My wife Ruth just died at age 78

Is it too soon to call myself Ruthless?

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike.

I rode on, ruthlessly.

How is Ruth Bader Ginsburg like hot water?

She will be mist

my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion

they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casket

the funeral was ruthless.

Ruth got fired while she was on pregnancy leave

Her company is just ruthless

I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"...

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3 Old Women

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old,

“You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine.

“When you’re 70, you don’t h...

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My Aunt Ruth went missing

It turned out she was kidnapped and murdered before my uncle could pay the ransom. He went on a rampage, finding and slaughtering every last man who participated in kidnapping her, even going so far as to torture some of them. You could say he was.....

Ruthless

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The Birth of Baby Ruth

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediate...

I met a girl named Ruth

When she left me, I became Ruthless

Ruth left our tean, she was sad to go but I helped cheer her up

I told her to look on the bright side... Without her we were gonna play even better than ever before! She asked why... Because without Ruth, our team would be Ruthless!

Ruth just dumped me. Told me I was too uptight. Well, now I'm

Ruthless.

A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves?

Completely Ruthless

Albert's wife, Ruth died. The day of her funeral, he showed up with a hot 21yo blonde.

Albert was ruthless

My friends Scott and Ruth broke up after a long-term relationship.

He's now ruthless and she got off, scott free.

I broke up with my girlfriend, Ruth..

Now her friends call me ruthless.

Ruth is the only person that i show mercy to

If i didn't have her, I'd be completely Ruthless

Johnny and Ruth are mountain biking down a hill...

...Ruth hits a tree. Johnny continues, ruthlessly.

Ruth and Johnny

Ruth and Johnny, side by side, went out for an auto ride. They hit a bump, Ruth hit a tree, Johnny kept going Ruthlessly.

2020 has been brutal this year

Now it's just Ruthless

Ruth rode on my motorcycle, on the seat behind me...

I took a bump at 95, and rode on ruthlessly

One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cou...

The Story of Ruth and Johnnie

Once upon a time...

Ruth and Johnny drove through the woods
To see what they could see.

The car hit a bump.
Then Ruth hit a tree.
But Johnny went on.

Ruthlessly.

Ruth! (not sure if repost)

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," t...

What did Babe Ruth name his pet pig?

The Great Hambeano...

In Tribute

Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talk

Man: you're on

Boy: how does sandpaper feel?

Dog: Ruff!

Boy: what's on top of a house?

Dog: Roof!

Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?

Dog: Ruth!

Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of h...

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

My best friend became a serial killer after his girlfriend Ruth left him

Now that shes gone, he pretty much became ruthless

I'm dating a girl called Ruth..

.. once she dumps me, I'll be Ruthless! HAAAA!!

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What do Leonardo Dicaprio Babe Ruth have in common?

They both won when neither of them were competing against black people!

A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks ...

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"...

A lawyer calls a dog as a witness

The Judge says “get that dog out it cannot be a witness”

The Lawyer says “Don’t worry this dog can talk I will prove it.”

The dog is sworn on to the podium and the Lawyer begins his cross examination. First he asks the dog “Good morning sir, how was the road on your way here?” The do...

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So we're putting on a performance of "The Pirates of Penzance" and the guys who's playing Samuel comes up to me and says "Mr Director"...

...and I say "Yes?"

and he says "This final scene where the Major-General sings 'Resume your ranks and legislative duties, And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties'. Which daughter do I get?"

"Not Mabel, obviously. She's with Frederic," I say. "And usually the Major-General hims...

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Box under the bed

When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*

In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosit...

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

What are Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Theresa May doing in a room together?

...playing bridge.

OC: What does Babe Ruth and roughly 100,000 antelopes have in common?

They're both ballpark figures.

Ruth wasn't invited to the party.

The people at the party were ruthless.

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NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

A man walks into a bar claiming he has a talking dog

He goes up to the counter and bets the free drinks all night if he can prove his dog can talk to which the bartender agrees.


The man asks the dog, “What is on top of a house?”


“Roof!” says the dog.


Not good enough according to the bartender so the man tries again. ...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. No dogs allowed."
The guy answers, "But this dog is special. He talks."

"Oh really?"

The guy turns to the dog and says, "Butch, what's on top of a house?"
Butch answers, "Roof."

The bartender fold his arms and says,"I'm not in the moo...

US Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg died.

Clearly now people will see the court as completely Ruth-less.

Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."

Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: *Rough, rough!*

Guy: "What's on top of a house?"

Dog: *Roof, roof!*

Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"

Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*

Talent agent throws them out of his office.

D...

Man walks into a bar.... with a dog

Bartender says “ you out! No dogs allowed.”

The man says, “ but it’s a talking dog.”

The bar keep is interested. “ what do you mean a talking dog?”

The dog owner looks at his dog and asks, “ what is on top of a house?”

Roof roof says the dog.

The bartender points t...

My buddy became a savage after his girlfriend left.

I guess I should have known he'd become Ruth-less.

A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The head cook quickly takes the bet and asks the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps rain out?”

The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding, I’m not paying!”

The dogs owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.” The cook agre...

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says “you can’t have a dog in here!” The guy says, “this is a really smart dog. If I prove that to you, can we stay?” And the bartender says sure.

So the guy turns to the dog and says “What goes on top of a house?”

And the dog barks “...

A sanguine tale

Jake and Ruth were blood analysts in a hospital. Given the proximity of the hospital to the highway, really gruesome motor accidents were quite common. So the hospital decided to house a huge supply of blood for emergencies, and these two were employed full time to analyse blood which they got, and ...

A man walks into a bar with a dog...

A man walks into a bar with a dog, and says he'll bets $50 his dog can talk. The bartender, thinking that's ridiculous, takes up his offer. The man asks the dog
"What do you find on top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Hey, that's not fair, ask it a real question!" says the bart...

Unique sport tool

Gangsters come into sport shop and says:Hey Fred we need to beat some guys up! Fred:Hmmm this baseball bat should be good. Its have a signature of Babe Ruth! Hey Fred its real signature of Babe Ruth? Fred:No but if you beat that guys hard they will not ask about this.

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

...The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
...

A man and his dog walk into a bar

The man tells the bartender, "I bet you $100 that this is a talking dog."

The bartender says, "Ok, if it is a talking dog, I will give you $100. But if it isn't, then you give me $100 and I'll throw you and the dog out that window."

The man looks to the dog and says, "Ok, boy: what is ...

A man and his dog walk into a bar.

The man says to the bartender, "Look, this dog can talk. Let me ask him some questions, and he'll answer."

The bartender looks sceptical, but says, "Okay, pal, you're on."

"Rex, what's on top of a house?"

The dog barks. The man says, "See there, he said 'roof'!"

The barte...

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog...

... The bartender looks up and says, "You can't come in here with that mutt!"

The guy says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! This ain't no ordinary dog. As a matter of fact, you should be paying for my drinks, because this dog is going to draw a crowd. It's a talking dog."

The bartender scoffs, but ...

A man walks into a bar with his dog

The bartender says: "sorry sir, but we don't allow dogs here"

The man replies: "wait, my dog is special. You see, he can talk"

The bartender is doubtful, so the man turns to his dog and says: "alright buddy, what goes on top of a house?"

The dog replies: "Roof!"

The man a...

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.

The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I...

This is a joke better spoken than written, but here goes anyway...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says, "We don't allow animals here. You're going to have to leave your dog outside." The guy replies, "No, you misunderstand. My dog can talk." Amused, the bartender tells the man that that's ridiculous and to leave his dog outside. The guy says, "F...

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A Joke for everyone who isn't called Richard

Was chatting to a lovely Blonde the other day, Ruth she said her name was.

When she asked my name I said ‘Jason, but everyone calls me Dick for short’

‘How do you get Dick from Jason’ she asked

I replied ‘Ask nicely!’

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A guy and his dog go into a bar...

...and the guy sits down at the bar.
He orders a beer and drinks it, then orders another. The dog sits patiently at his feet. When it comes time for the guy to pay, he looks the barman in the eye and says, "I'm afraid I don't have any money."
The barman is about to kick this joker's ass when...

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender...

A guy and his dog went into a bar and made a bet with the bartender. The guy said his dog could talk and he bet the bartender 1 free drink for him if the dog could answer a question. The bartender says okay because there's know way a dog could talk. The guy asks the dog, "What grows on trees?" "Bark...

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.

Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."

"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!”

On a street corner a man held a sign saying, "SEE THE TALKING DOG. $5"

A woman approached him and asked if the dog could really talk.

"Yes indeed!" replied the owner. The woman handed over $5, and the owner began asking his dog questions.

"Okay, boy. How does sandpaper feel?"

"Rough!" answered the dog.

The owner then asked, "Who was the grea...

A guy claims his dog can talk...

A guy brings his dog into the NBC network building looking for a TV show for his talking dog. He says to the executive...

Guy: "Hey, I have here a talking dog! He can have a full conversation with anybody! Watch this, hey boy! What's on the top of a house?"

Dog: "Rouf"

Guy: ...

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A man with a dog walks into a bar in New Jersey.

He says to the barman, "This dog can talk." The bartender replies, "What? Get outta here." The man with the dog then says, "It's true, I promise!" The bartender decides to see if there is anything to this and says to the man, "Tell you what, if you can prove that the dog talks I'll give you free...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog...

They sit at the counter, and the guy calls the bartender over.

"I'll bet you a beer that my dog can talk."

"Sure bud, whatever you say."

The guy turns to his dog, "What's the opposite of smooth?"

"RUFF!" Barks the dog.

The bartender chuckles a bit, "Okay, that's pr...

Chicken joke

Farmer wants to go to the movies, but they won't let him bring in his pet chicken. He goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken down his pants,goes in and sits down next to two old ladies, Ethel and Ruth.

After the movie starts, Ruth leans over to Ethel and says,"this man next to me just un...

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...

...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.

The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog sa...

People call me Ruthless...

ever since my grandma died.

Boy do i have an act for you! A talking dog!

"a talking dog? This I gotta see! You have one minute, so make it good, kid!"


"Rex, what's on top of a building?"

"ROOF!"

"What? You kidding me? He just says woof, any dog can do that."

"How about this? Rex, who's the greatest baseball player ever?"

"RUTH!"
...

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Jack walks into a bar with his dog...

He quickly announces to the bar that his dog talks and will wager $100 to anyway who doesn’t believe him.

So Big Al goes up to the Jack and his dog and takes the wager.

“I will ask your dog some questions and if does indeed talk, I’ll give you $100.

They agree and Big Al proc...

A man walks into a bar with a dog

He sets the dog on the bar and the bartender says "hey buddy you can't have that in here." The man explains to him that it's okay because the dog can talk and is well behaved. The bartender(thinking the man is insane) offers a bet, $100 if his dog can talk.

The man accepts the bet and turns t...

Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk

So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”

“Roof,” the dog barked.

Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

“Rough.”

He still wasn’t convinced.

“O.K., who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog.

“Rut...

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Uncle Jack

You are a farmer. Your father owns the farm. You live with your father Jim, your mother Ruth, your uncle Jack, and your brother Michael. Your father is in charge of the farm, so he takes care of all of the animals, the crops, and manual labor. Your mother cooks and cleans. Your brother is too young ...

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There were two elderly people living in a nursing home...

Let's call them Fred and Ethel. Now both Fred and Ethel were widowers and got quite lonely. They would just go about their day, seemingly down all the time because their companion was no longer with them. Both of them would just stare vacantly at the tv watching reruns of older shows. One day, Fred...

Dog Knows Baseball Trivia

Man brings his dog to trivia night at the local bar....

"How can your dog possibly compete if he can't talk?"

"Oh, he can talk, watch this: Duke, which player was the first to hit 60 home runs in a season?"

ROOPH....ROOPH!

"C'mon man, he didn't say Ruth, he just barked."...

What do you call...

...a man in a bush?

Russel!

...a man in a lake?

Bob!

...a man with a car on his head?

Jack!

...a man with a spade in his head?

Doug!

...a man without a spade in his head?

Douglas!

...a man with a toilet on his head?

Lou!...

A radio show holds a contest for the best local talent...

A gentleman walks into the studio with a mutt of a dog a couple days later and asks if he can audition.
"Sure, whaddya got?", said the radio host.
"My dog can talk.", the man replied.
Skeptical, the host sits down and beckons the man to start.
"OK boy! What is on top of a house?!"
Th...

Death Notice

An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a stroke. While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides...

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First day at the mental hospital

It was a doctor's first day at the mental hospital. One of the other doctors was showing him around and decided to bring him in to see three of the patients. They walked into the first room and there was a man pretending to swing a baseball bat. The new doctor asked him what he was doing.
"I'm b...

The Talking Dog version two

A man walks into a bar with a mutt on a leash.

The bartender says "Hey, Mac. We don't allow dogs in here!"

The man says, "But wait, he's a special talking dog. Can we stay if I can prove it?"

The bartender thinks for a second and says, "Fine, prove he can talk and I'll let you...

A man walks into a talent scout's office...

... with his dog on a leash. He says to the talent scout, "this is Rover, my talking dog. He's going to make us rich!"

Skeptical, the talent scout says "oh yeah? Prove it."

"not a problem" says the man. "Rover, what is the texture of sandpaper?"

"Ruff!" replies the dog.
<...

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