UPJOKE
microprocessorx86microsoftdellibmpentiumintel 4004robert noyceandrew grovecompanycpup5mcafeelenovosamsung

Spy intels

A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.

Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?

'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.

AMD is red, Intel is blue,

I choose i7 because Ryzen are few.

What did Jesus say when he switched from Intel to AMD?

Do not mourn me for I have Ryzen.

I tried to get my mom to switch from AMD to Intel...

...but I couldn't Celeron it.

Two Intel operatives are on their way to meet a defector...

Two Spanish intelligence agents get word that a Portuguese agent wants to defect, so they set up a meeting with him. The Chief agent starts to walk into the room, when his partner, Juan Mendoza shouts " No! It's a trap, and pushes the Chief out of the way just before a bullet from the would be detec...

Once there was a raid at the club. Intel was that there was black money in the club

A officer, during the raid found the money. He went to the supervisor and told him-

"Sir, we have found the money! It's 5 million dollars, cash!"

"What's that officer? You say there's 2 million dollars found in raid?"

"That's right sir! We have found a million dollars of cash he...

What do you call the snack that reveals all the intel of the contents in your lunchbox?

Julian a sandwich

Since the Intel processors are named i3, i5 and i7...

does that mean Intel can't even?

My friend told me that he was going to buy a bunch of Intel CPUs.

I told him to stop that non-Zens.

What do you call a folder on FBI's servers that contains all the intel on known child molesters?

A Pedo File.

What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common?

Immigrants

Apple had to stop spying on its competitors...

...they had a lack of Intel.

My vacuum cleaner died the other day…

so I put an Intel sticker on it and it started to suck again.

I like to copy forum posts from Intel forums to Amd forums. People call me a reposter,

But actually I'm a threadripper.

They say WW2 was won by American steel, British intelligence, and Russian blood

Who knew that WW3 would be won the same way?

A man saw a sign on a farm: Talking dog for sale

He asks the farmer where the dog is.

Out back.

The man goes up to the dog, in his doghouse and says, hey what's your story?

The dog speaks: Well, as soon as I found out I could talk I wanted to be of service to my country. So I went to the CIA. They placed me as a spy in f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the bathroom at a computer convention

Someone from Microsoft comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel, wipes his hands, takes another towel, wipes his hands more and repeats it another time, commenting "At Microsoft, we are very thorough".

Someone from Intel comes out of a stall, washes his hands, takes a towel and w...

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

Bill Gates said the pandemic won’t be over until the end of 2021

And he has a lot of Intel

I'm surprised more people didn't know about the NSA spying programs

I mean most of our computers are labelled "Intel"

I Germans and an Italian

At the end of WW2, as the Allies were starting to win, there were 3 prisoners of war held together in a cell. Two were German officers and one an Italian soldier. The men were to be held for questioning.
The first day the Allied soldiers took the first German in to be questioned. The guards sit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Guys in hell

This is the story of an engineer from intel, a guy from the pentagon, and a small skateboarder all three ended up in hell after signing a contract with the devil himself

so he says to them

\- I will give each of you a chance to go to paradise, but beware, no second chance, it's eith...

Why did the Army Intelligence Officer smash the PC?

He heard there was intel inside.

German spies

During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the b...

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

Why did the spy steal the laptop?

It had a sticker that said 'intel inside'.

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

Eevee

A de-evolving Eevee came across a war between the two factions of Eevees: the Flareons, Vaporeons, Jolteons, and Sylveons, and the Umbreons, Espeons, Glaceons, and Leafeons.

Deciding to play both sides, the Eevee snuck into one camp as a Fire type, and managed to gather some information about...

Three engineers were trying to make smarthome devices (from a friend)

Three engineers and a manager are sitting around some appliances to help make them smarthome compatible.

The first engineer turns his attention to the refrigerator, "We should connect this fridge to the internet and make it tell you when food is going bad, I will need an Intel i7 if we want t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The future of technology (long)

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (Heads of Microsoft, Intel, and Advanced Micro Devices) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Jerry is sitting. Jerry says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.