UPJOKE
betteramelioratemeliorateupgradereformamendhelpenhancedevelopmendhealfructifyimprovementturn aroundstraighten out

Improved Jokes

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

Playing Legend of Zelda has really improved my work ethic

My boss says that I'm "Hylian Efficient."

The internet has improved equality

We used to have a very mail-dominated society.

Wow, carbon dating has improved in recent years!

A museum visitor was admiring a Tyrannosaurus fossil, and asked a nearby museum employee how old it was. "That skeleton's sixty-five million and three years, two months and eighteen days old," the employee replied.

"How can you know it that well?" she asked.

"Well, when I started wor...

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Turks invented sex

and then the Greeks improved it by removing the sheep and adding lubrication.

The Romans perfected it by discovering that you could have it with women too, then the French ruined it by adding misogynistic condescension, and the British made it worse by adding shame; after that, the Americ...

The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is said that sex was invented by the ancient Greeks, but it was greatly improved by the Romans.

You see, they discovered that you can have it with women too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Since my wife's death my sex life has improved dramatically...

She takes it up the ass now.

/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me?

I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

Selling an improved autocorrect?

Shut up and take my monkey.

I asked my wife if she felt my erectile dysfunction has improved since I got on meds…

She said I’ve got room to grow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

So the supermarket was selling this new and improved "Gourmet Water"

And I have to say it was absolutely mouth watering

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine just improved one of my all time favorites.

Why don't you ever ever see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they are very good at it

-

Why do some elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in apple trees.

-

What is the loudest sound in the forest?


A squirrel eating apples.

-...

I'm so happy that my financial situation has finally improved.

I just found out the African boy I've been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

What's terrible but never gets improved

The bad jokes on this subreddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An improved Game of Thrones joke

Robert Baratheon, Renly Baratheon and Stannis Baratheon go into a tavern. They order ale, but when the barkeep brings them over, they each find a fly in their cups. Robert goes into rage and smashes the cup, demanding new ale. Renly takes the fly out and laughs with the barkeep about it. Stannis rea...

An engineer dies and mistakenly gets sent to hell

At first he’s in shock, he wasn’t supposed to end up here! But then he starts to look around & notice things.
Everyone is always so grouchy because of the heat, so he fixes the AC. And they’re always bored because there’s nothing to do, so he fixes the cable box. Slowly but surely he starts ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

What is the different between the original steam engine and the improved one

*Watt

Although relations between the two countries have improved over the years, there's still a lot of bad blood between Finland and Norway.

It's called Sweden.

When I got eye contacts it really improved my social life

Now I can recognize people's faces

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing.

The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over sex

Greek: the Greeks invented sex centuries before the Italians!

Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!

What has such good ads that even if people order but never get it they spend years telling people how much it's improved their lives?

religion

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office

It improved my outlook.

An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates, and St. Peter checks the list. St. Peter doesn't find his name, so he says 'sorry, looks like you are supposed to go to the other place'.

So the engineer then goes down to Hell. Soon, he starts seeing things that could be improved. He builds a central a...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.