UPJOKE
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Girls call me Mr. Microsoft

because I have a 3.5 inch floppy

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What is the most popular streaming service among men with a micro penis?

Peacock

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office I will find you !

You have my word.

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My ex was addicted to dick. just not mine

I guess micro-dosing just wasn't doing it for her after a while

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I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

what do you call a dwarf with erectile dysfunction?

Micro soft

What do you call a towel that loves to tell small lies?

micro-fibber

When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?

My girlfriend's nickname for me is Bill Gates...

She said it's because I've got a micro soft too.

I asked my friend what he thought of EA’s micro transaction policy,

he said he didn’t buy it.

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Why does the head of EA like micro transactions so much?

It describes two distinct parts of his sex life

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What does a waitress say after having had sex with a guy with a micro penis?

Thanks for the tip!

I'm not worried about a future where my kids are addicted to EA's micro transactions

Because there's no way I'll be paying for Verizon's internet gaming add on

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When my girlfriend caught coronavirus I broke up with her.

The only micro-organism she's allowed to have inside of her is my penis.

We do not have enough micro chips to build new cars

Is it because we used them all in the vaccines ?

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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

Nintendo is releasing a micro transaction mobile platformer

Pay Per Mario

What sounds does a micro cow make?

mu

Samsung recently unveiled “The Wall,” the World’s First Modular MicroLED 146-inch TV

They were really delighted to hear that the President was gonna be their first customer.

How often does an American President buy a Wall from South Koreans to keep Mexicans away?

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If a guy with a micro penis pays a prostitute to suck him off...

is it called a micro transaction?

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

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Updating a classic for modern times [long]

When the news of covid hit Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me."


Well when lock downs started Tammy said "I don't need to worry, God will protect me". And she continued to see her friends, and be rude to restaurant staff when she got take out and show up to places tha...

What did microsoft say to the attractive girl in the room?

Can I crash at your place tonight?

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

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My girlfriend said I remind her of a technology company.

I said I must be the Apple of your eye.

She said no it’s just that your penis is micro and soft.

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remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

EA is Officially Getting Rid of Micro-Transactions!!

And replacing them with macro-transactions.

MY crow

i own a pet crow . Have you seen my crow ? i bet you didn't cause its micro

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Your dick is so small, that ...

Your dick is so small, that if you would sexual harass someone, it would be a Micro aggression.

What's the opposite of a microwave?

A tsunami.

Why are Melinda and Bill gates splitting up?

Because he is MicroSoft.

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

What is tiny and gets washed ashore?

A micro wave

My 8 year old brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, this is how it went

Bro," what washes up on a tiny beach?"
Me," No idea."
Bro," a microwave."
Followed by about 2 seconds of me not getting it then laughing for a solid minute

What do computers eat for snacks?

Micro-chips


(Discovered on a Firecracker Popsicle stick)

What do you call a very small morgan freeman?

Micro morganism.

What washes up on tiny beaches?

Micro waves

TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army.

Even though he was a colonel he didn’t want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.

A famous car designer...

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for ...

Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

"No- wait, Dracula?"

"Yes!"

"You're vampires?"

"Yes. We have pamphlets."

"Vampires have missionaries?"

"Where else would new vampires come from?"

"I assumed you bit people."

"There are many h...

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Two neighbourhood ladies were chatting over the fence

Suddenly, one of them says, "OMG, my husband will be home in a minute. I must rush home and make his dinner". She runs into the house and grabs the first thing she sees, a can of dog food.Sticks it in the micro-wave, heats it up and places it before him just in time for his dinner.

Next day s...

I was going to make a game where you play a death-defying, cross-dressing little person.

But I see you guys hate micro trans action.

I ended up quitting my job cause they promoted a little person to supervisor.

I just got sick of the micro managing.

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I got fired for having a tiny dick

My boss was a real micro manager

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What does a secretary say to Bill Gates when she sees his dick ?

A secretary walked into Bill Gates office . She chats with him and manages to seduce him . She convinces him to have sex and he agrees . When he whips his dick out what does she say ?


Micro-soft

What do you call hummingbird on hummingbird crime?

A micro-aggression.

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I'm taking a Microsoft incel class.

So I can spread sheets by myself

During honeymoon Bill Gates wife tell him:

Now i know why your company name is MicroSoft.

Why don't pc gamers get laid

Because they're micro-soft

What do you call a small gesture of acknowledgement directed towards an oven?

A micro wave.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Me: "Because of the - "

A car drives by, honking very loudly.

Me: "Because of the - "

Another car drives past us, honking even louder.

Me: "Because of the - "

A third car drives by, honking the loudest yet. The secon...

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Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

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A man goes out for cigarettes

After an uneventful dinner with his wife, a man realizes he's out of cigarettes and decides to stop at his local bar for a pack. The bartender says they just started selling a new micro brew and offers him one on the house, so he decides to stay for one drink.

When he's just about finish...

"Mega-" is a prefix meaning "million"....

...and "micro" is a prefix meaning "millionth".

So, a megaphone would be one trillion microphones.

What do Seattleites call a group of little kids dressed up as ghosts?

A micro-boo-ery!

How do kitchen appliances greet each other?

They micro-wave.

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I sometimes wish I had a small penis.

Instead of a micro one.

A farmer buys a combine harvester

He's accidentally chops his finger off one day, inspecting a blade.

So the wife bags the finger up and takes him to the hospital. The doctor looks at it and performs micro surgery which re-attaches it like brand new.

Some weeks later the farmer somehow gets his leg chopped off. Panicki...

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A cut below...

My friend was telling me that he was thinking of having a vasectomy. But it was a little different. He said that the Dr. would actually install a small "micro" valve in the vas that carried the sperm. That way you could turn it off/on. I thought it was a great idea...I asked him if they used a ball ...

What do you call a physicist who's really short?

A micro Newton.

How do kitchen appliences say hello?

They give a micro-wave

What do you call a boss that's under 5 feet tall?

A micro manager

Which kitchen appliance do surfers dislike most?

The micro wave.

Two men are playing teeing off during a round of golf.

Two men are teeing off during a round of golf when one of the men hooks his shot horribly right into a large area of brush.

"Tough luck that ones a goner, my friend."

"Not a problem! Give me just a second and I will find it and be right back."

The golfer trudges off the fairway...

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What toothpaste do ants use?

MicroScope

Today I had an interview for a job at Microsoft, and the recruiter asked me "Why do you think you are a good fit for our company?"

I replied: "because I too am micro and soft right now"

I saved a tiny baby raven and now he won't leave

I guess you could say he's micro

My go-to accounting joke

(Acknowledgement: This joke came from the Drew Carey show. I don't remember specifically which episode. I don't even know why I was watching it.)

The owners of a micro-brewery are sitting around a table having their monthly board meeting.

The accountant stands up and says "So, let's ...

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A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and ro...

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An American, Japanese, and a Nigerian were sitting naked in the sauna

Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The American presses his forearm and others look at him questioningly. “That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”


“A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lift his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains,” t...

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Antman receives a call from a Marine Biologist at Seaworld...

A marine biologist working with Seaworld calls Antman to help him with one of his juvenile Orcas. He tells him that due to the orca's sexual maturity fast approaching, he needs to perform a vasectomy to prevent him from getting to aggressive with the females.

Antman agrees, shrinks down, and...

Totally going to buy a tiny pet crow for myself.

Gonna call it Micro.

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The future of technology (long)

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (Heads of Microsoft, Intel, and Advanced Micro Devices) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Jerry is sitting. Jerry says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I...

What is Computer favorite snack?

Micro chips

Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much far...

What do you call bacteria that can swim fast?

Micro Phelps.

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This one time in high school I was called to the front of the class while I had hardest boner I ever had.

It was the only time I thanked God for giving me a micro penis.

What do you get when you cross Gnomes and Worgen??

Micro-Worgenisms! (From my Bizzard support ticket response today.)

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