Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.

Props to him

Son: Hey Dad, I was outstanding at school today.

Dad: Good to hear that. What did you do?

Son: Our teacher caught me cheating on the quiz. She sent me out and ordered me to stand at the hallway

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the Nobel prize

He was outstanding in his field

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.

But hay, it’s in my jeans

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

The employees at my bank are soo nice these days!

Occasionally they would call me and remind me that my loans have been outstanding!

How is it I'm so much more famous a ballerina than I thought?

I get compliments on my routines, my form, my posture... everything. But I find it particularly ridiculous that even when I receive *bills* the companies feel the need to highlight my outstanding balance. Like... come on, you don't even *know* me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I learnt that I have a real problem with heroine addiction.

I have to have sex with a woman admired for her courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities...

My daughter of 2 months is standing on her own…

People say it’s incredible, remarkable, majestic, and so on, but since I took her out of the house, I think she’s outstanding.


My first post. I do have a 2 month old, and she is outstanding, but not outside and definitely not on her own.

Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak

28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

A gynecologist is driving along one day...

...when his car starts spluttering. He takes it to a nearby mechanic who proceeds to spend 15 minutes under the hood finds and fixes the problem and proceeds to declare that the car is good to go. After receiving the bill the gynecologist is appalled, the mechanic makes far far far more money that h...

How did the locomotive become so outstanding in his field?

He trained hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"

I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "

I am really good at finances

All my bills are outstanding

There are many already outstanding reasons not to leave one's automated cloning machine out in the forest...

...but the obvious bears repeating.

Normal farmers get all the credit for being outstanding in their field...

...Meanwhile all the fish farmers are out there wading for recognition.

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.

Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

I was so excited when all my teachers called my work outstanding

I haven't even handed it in yet!

Great news, my boss said I have an outstanding report!

Funny, thing is I don't remember doing one.

Got a letter from the tax office saying my tax was outstanding.

Which was a nice surprise, because I don't even remember doing it.

"Sir, your balance is outstanding."

I know my balance is outstanding, I've been skateboarding for years, but I fail to see how that's going to help me pay back this debt!

A teacher asks her students,"Can anybody spell before?"

Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r.Before."

"No that is wrong.Sit down."say⁴s the teacher."

"Frankie, can you spell before?"

Frankie stands up and says, "Before.B - e- e- f -o-r.Before!"

"No, that's not right either.Tyrone, can you spell before?"

Tyro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

hhhh u got an outstanding wife

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

My bank just complimented me

They called and told me my check was outstanding! I felt so proud

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

Two satellites decided to get married...

The wedding wasn’t much, but the reception was outstanding

I've decided to become a tightrope walker!

I figured I should give it a try since all my credit card companies say my balance is outstanding!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes on a business trip to Japan...

The night before his important meeting he decides to unwind with a hooker. As he's banging away, she screams "Nakamushi! Nakamushii!" not speaking much Japanese he assumes this is a complement to his outstanding performance.

His meeting the next day goes well and he's invited to play golf wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

A man went into a bank to withdraw some cash from his account.

After sometime his turn came and he took the $300 that he wanted to pay his house rent.

He counted it again before he started walking towards the exit.

A clerk comes running from his desk and stops the man. "*Is something wrong*?", asked the man.

"*I just wanted to tell you that...

A boy was standing in his father's wheat farm for several hours.....

His father finally asked him "son, why are you wasting your time standing out here?"


Son replied "father, I am not wasting my time, I am trying to win a nobel prize!"


The father thought he was studying the environment and was impressed, still he asked "how do you plan on doing ...

The teacher arrived in class and told me to leave

She said I was outstanding

Kids career choice

I asked my son what he wanted to do for a living. He's a smart kid, I thought he wanted to be an engineer or doctor. He told me with a stern face he wanted to be a scarecrow. I didn't get it at first, but then I saw that he is outstanding in that field.

Farmers have this social distancing thing mastered...

Guess you could say they’re outstanding in their field

I have the best debts in the world!

Every single one of them is Outstanding!

What do you call a group of people on your front porch waiting to come in?

Outstanding!

My Doctor's office just called to compliment me on my symmetry and harmony.

They say I have an outstanding balance.

Town mayor recently distributed certificates of achievement to the local scarecrows

They were described as being, “ outstanding in their fields”.

People tell me I'm good at handling credit

Which is why I always have an outstanding balance.

A secret governmental team was recently discovered...

There are 5 members, all equipped with their own devastating properties:

First is Wall, a bulky tank that has the strength capacity to destroy a brick wall in a single punch. His threatening amount of muscles can make the strongest men run in terror.

Next is Ssss. Nobody knows much abo...

Just moved out on my own and am doing really well...

All my bills say im outstanding

I'm confused as to why my credit score is so low...

My bank says I have an OUTSTANDING balance on my card!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

James is suffering from severe headaches. [Long]

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pi...

The Soviet Union had excellent snipers...

They were outstanding Marxmen

I don't usually brag about my finances

But my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding!

I pulled an all-nighter watching a flamingo sleep...

It was outstanding all night.

What’s the definition of a good farmer?

A man outstanding in his field

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

He was outstanding in his field!

(got this joke from Tiny Tower if you guys know what that is)

A farmer stood in his field for 7 nights.

His curious wife asked what are you doing? He replied I am going for an Oscar, you have to be outstanding in your field to achieve:

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