What did the cyclops sailor say to his captain?

Eye captain

A Mexican sailor . . .

. . . . . is a sea señor

Who would have Jay-Z married if he was a sailor?

Buoyancy.

Why can’t the sailors play cards?

They were standing on the deck

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?

-It’s mourning wood

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship...

After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed.
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!...

Colored Sailors

A ship loaded with blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both ships sink.
The Sailors were marooned.

A drunken sailor gives a hooker $200, and they proceed to a back bedroom...

After a few minutes, the sailor asks, "How'm I doin'?"

"About three knots," says the hooker.

"Three knots?" asks the sailor. "Whaddya mean?"

And the hooker says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

There was a young sailor from Brighton

Who remarked to his girl, "you're a tight one."

She replied " 'Pon my soul,

You're in the wrong hole;

There's plenty of room in the right one."

Two sailors are on deck looking out to sea.

In the distance, a huge hand rises from the water.

It keeps rising as the wrist and forearm become visible, the fingers stretching into the air. It wobbles back and forward then falls, crashing into the sea.

One sailor turns to the other and asks, 'Did you see the size of that wave?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Airman, Sailor, Marine, and an Army Ranger end up on an island full of cannibals. They were captured, blindfolded, and sent to the cannibal chief.

Mobile, so formatting. Here's a few different iterations of the joke.

The chief says, "Well, gentlemen, unfortunately for you, we are going to build canoes out of your skin. However, because you all are warriors, I will grant you the option to choose how you will die."

A

The ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An irish sailor with the steering wheel of a ship jammed into his crotch walks into a bar

He walks into the bar

The bartender approaches him worried and says to the sailor " What the fuck man is that a steering wheel?"

To wich the sailor replies "Aye lad, it's drivin me nuts"

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

Why did the sailor find it hard to learn the alphabet?

Because he spent years at C.

A sailor leaves his wife to join the navy.

He writes to his wife that he is on an island surrounded by beautiful women and while he will try to be faithful, he needs something to distract himself from the war.
His wife writes back but sends a package along with her letter. The letter reads, "here's an accordion. I want you to practic...

Two sailors, an Australian and a New Zealander, are caught drunk onboard and are each given 20 lashes

But the captain decides that since they are new they will be allowed to have one item of their choice strapped to their back. The New Zealander goes first and choses to have a pillow strapped to his back, but after 5 lashes the pillow is torn apart. The captain then turns to the Australian and asks ...

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What did the sailor say to the prostitute?

Land Ho!

I'm a sailor

There's this new girl conductor at the pier we pulled in yesterday. I wanted to ask her out, but she kept sending mixed signals.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you have sex with a dirty sailor?

Dishonorable discharge

A sailor met a pirate, and they started talking about their adventures at sea.

The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. He asked, “so, how did you end up with the peg leg?”
The pirate replied, “we were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!...

Why did the sailor quit his acting career?

Because he wasn’t landing any good roles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 British sailors come over to the New World

Soon after they scout the area, they get captured by a vicious group of native Americans. The native Americans circle around them with bows, and are about to fire when the sailors beg for mercy. The native Americans finally agree to let them free, as long as they can accomplish a simple task. They t...

A sailor is newly arrived in port

and, of course, goes looking for female companionship. He makes a connection in a bar and they go back to her place, and just as they're starting to get hot and heavy she says "By the way, this will be $300, OK?". He reaches for his wallet and hands over the money with a slightly sour expression, th...

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Retired Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three kn...

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?

It helps them sea better.

A sailor walks into a bar and strikes up a conversation with another man...

The guy asks him: “So how many of the 7 seas have you sailed?”

The pirate responds “7!! There aren’t 7 seas lad, there are 26 and I’ve sailed 25”

“Oh really which seas have you sailed?”

“Well I’ve sailed
the A Sea,
the B Sea,
the C Sea,
the D Sea,
the E Sea,
th...

How does a sailor keep his Captain happy?

With a handful of seaman.

What do Russian sailors greet each other with?

Nahoy!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a sailor is submitted into the hospital

... with two broken arms. You know, a really tough guy, big muscles, lots of body hair and tattoos, a true seaman.

So the two nurses that have to wash him since his arms are broken meet in the halls and one says to the other:

"hey that sailor has a very funny tattoo on his willy, righ...

How are sailors like witches?

They spend a lot of time cursing.


I'll show myself out.

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A Sailor Walks into a Bar

He sits at the bar, and the bartender notices that he has a head the size of a baseball. The bartender then asks him what happened to his head? The sailor begins to tell his story.

"So I was stranded at sea, and I was approached by a mermaid who granted me three wishes. The first wish was for...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American sailor walks up to a urinal and starts peeing...

... A few seconds later, a fellow Irish sailor goes to the urinal next to him and starts peeing. The American's eyes start to wander, and he can't help but look down at the Irish man's penis and notice a "W" and "Y" tattooed down there. "I'm really sorry that I looked over," says the American, "bu...

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

3.14% of sailors...

are πrates.

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he p...

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A sailor on a Navy ship...

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take. 

"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets ...

Why did the sailor bring diapers on shore leave?

He was worried about being in continent

It's National Talk Like A Pirate Day; so what did one sailor say to the other when he yelled 'Land Ahoy!'

arrr ye shore

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A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, a parrot on his shoulder, a long beard, a gold ear ring, and a saber at his side.

The new sailor is awestruck. He nudges a fellow sailor and and as...

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A sailor and a female model survive a shipwreck.

A ship sinks, and a sailor and a female model manage to swim to an unpopulated island. There are enough resources for them to survive, so they start to live there, eventually becoming a couple. After two years, the sailor suddenly looks at the model with a desperate expression, and says" "I cannot t...

Two Roman sailors were the only survivors when their longship capsized.

When asked by the rescuing ship's commander how many survivors there were, they responded "II, sir!"

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An old sailor

One day a hunter came upon an old sailors cabin in the woods. The old sailor was loaning his hunting dog "Chief" out. The hunter asked "how much for Chief?" The old sailor replied, "$100 a day." That year the hunter got his limit in 2 days. The following hunting season, the hunter came back and ...

An English sailor is swept overboard and ends upon alone on an island

In a terrible storm in the south seas, an English sailor is swept overboard. Somehow he manages to find enough wood to cling to, survives the storm, and eventually washes up on an island.


After giving up on any hope of a quick rescue, he realizes he must make do. As an member of the R...

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A Marine, a Navy Sailor, and an Air Force Pilot are all captured by an ISIS Witch Doctor..

The Witch Doctor goes to each of the men and says "I will grant you all one wish, however at the end you will be killed and made a part of my tent."

The sailor is up first and says "I wish to see my girlfriend one last time" the witch doctor conjures the sailors girlfriend and they say goodby...

Why were the Vikings such good sailors?

You can lead a Norse to water but you can’t make him sink.

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

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An American woman is standing on a bridge preparing to commit suicide when a local sailor approaches her.

The woman tells the sailor that her boyfriend had left her and she had nothing left in this world to live for, so she was going to jump.


The sailor insisted that she must not do that, and said that tomorrow, he will be going on a ship to Europe, and invited her to come with him to start a...

What happens to a sailor who stands too far aft?

He gets a stern warning.

A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"

The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a ship full of horny sailors?

A boatload of seamen.

What do you call a group of sailors coming out?

Seamen.

A priest is playing golf with a sailor.

The sailor uses salty language each time he misses. "Goddammit, I missed!"

The priest warns him not to curse in God's name.

The sailor misses again. "Goddammit I missed!"

The priest cautions him again.

The sailor misses a third time. "Goddammit I missed!"

The skies...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Three sailors are on shore leave...

... and after a night of drinking are pretty wound up.

However before long they get word of a prostitute that gives legendary blow jobs and will also sing.

It doesn’t take long for them to find her and through a slit in the door she tells them,

“Only one man at a time and it mus...

A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but don’t have any matches.

So one sailor throws one of his cigarettes overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor and a priest go golfing

The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor.

"My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game.

The sailor n...

A young sailor's first day on the ship

He has a meeting with the Captain, who takes him on a tour of the ship. He introduces him to the crew, goes over his duties and responsibilities. At the end of the tour the young man turns to the captain and says. "This is all great Captain, but I have a bit of a personal question...". "What's that...

Two sailors where trading jokes on a submarine.

One of them says, this is the best joke ever: “A bus driver drove into a nun” and then starts laughing hysterically.

Confused, the other sailor asked, “how is that even funny?”

The other sailor says “it’s not, but on this sub it is”

Why did the sailor get fired for cleaning the deck?

....he went overboard...

So i know a guy who used to be a sailor.

Now he stays at home, and his wife seems to be discontent with him. So a few weeks ago, he got scurvy. I wondered, "what could possibly give him scurvy? He can just go to the store to get some produce! He's probably got food at home!"

Turns out he was trapped in a fruitless marriage.

Two sailors were chatting

One says "We'll soon arrive at Port. I can't wait to make love to my lady, it's been so long."

The other one promptly replies "Yeah, me too. Say, have you ever made love to your girl in the other hole?"

"No, are you crazy? I don't wanna make her pregnant"

A carpenter, a tailor, a sailor, a priest and an economist were stranded on a desert island.

"I could chop down the trees and make a raft." Says the carpenter.
"I can stitch a few sheets into a mast."
Says the tailor.
"I can navigate the oceans with the help of the stars."
Says the sailor.
"I will pray for favourable winds and good luck."
Says the the priest.
All t...

One day a sailor gets on his boat named the “SS Sperm whale”

He notices several people looking at him wondering about the name of his boat. He decides to dispel their confusion and spreads his arms wide then says,

“Hey guys! Whalecum!”

Fun fact: Popeye the Sailor Man isn't actually all that strong by Danish or Norwegian standards...

... but he's strong to the Finnish!

Why are electricians terrible sailors?

They are always running aground.

Two Sailors in Paradise

Two Sailors are shipwrecked in a tropical paradise. The local natives worship them as gods. They eat, laugh and make love to their hearts content. but the chief takes the two men into his hut and tells them that they must not de-flower his daughter because she is promised to a neighbouring chief. Th...

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the Navy.

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his firs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine and a Sailor were getting a haircut.

One day there was a Marine and a Sailor sitting next to each other getting a haircut and a shave. At the end of the shave, the barber went to go put some aftershave on the Marine. The marine stopped the barber and said “skip the aftershave, I don’t want to go home to my wife smelling like a whore...

What do you call it when a sailor loses his virginity?

First mate.

Why can't sailors get fat?

Because of those darned pie rates.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 sailors were stranded on a cannibal island.

When confronting the cannibals, the tribe leader told the sailors that they will be spared if they can find 10 fruits and bring them back for a challenge. So, all 3 sailors go out into the jungle to look for fruits.

The first sailor returns with 10 apples. The cannibals then tell him the chal...

Why can't you send sailors through the mail?

You try explaining to the postman why you have a load of seamen for him.

A sailor and a pirate walk into a bar.

They sit down next to each other and get to Talking. Their chat soon turns to their sea Adventures. The sailor tells of his days fighting Wars with the navy, and the pirate tells of robbing Ships and killing his enemies.
The sailor notices That the pirate has an eye patch, a hook and a Peg leg, ...

A research shows that 96.86% of people in the sea are sailors.

The rest are  πrates

Going to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sailor and sex ed class

The sex ed instructor asked the class, "How many sexual positions do you know?" An old sailor in the back of the class raised his hand and shouted, "Thirty-nine, thirty-nine, thirty-nine!" The instructor ignored the old salt and called on a young man near the front. The young man replied, "Well, jus...

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Fishing Priest

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish." Accep...

Sailor with a Small Head

One day, a man sees a sailor walking around, and he notices that the sailor has a very small head.

The man asks the sailor, "Why is your head so small?" The sailor replies, "When I was sailing, I saw a beautiful mermaid, and she said she would grant me one wish. And you know what, I thought ...

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A Sailor walks in the bathroom to go piss

As he walks in, he sees a kid standing there.
The kid looks up and asks, "Mister, are you a sailor?"
The sailor says that he is and asks the kid if he wants to wear his hat.
The kids nods his head and puts it on.
A minute later, a Marine walks in and goes over to the urinal.
The kid l...

Shouldn't opera singers be good sailors?

Since they're good at high C's.

A sailor walks into a bar

A sailor walks into a bar takes his seat and starts drinking. He leans over to the guy next to him and says "Hey buddy, you want to hear a marine joke?" The guy says "Before you say the joke let me tell you this: I'm 6'0 190 lbs and I'm a marine, my friend is 6'2 210 lbs and is also a marine, the th...

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A sailor walks into a public restroom and up to

a urinal and as he begins to do his business, without fail a 10year-old boy walks in and sees and him he starts to shout, golly Gee Mr., golly are you really a sailor? The sailor looks down at the kid and says sure kid would you like to wear my hat? The boy responded with an excited golly Gee yes! S...

If I were a sailor, I think I’d be pretty bad at puns...

Knot!

What kind of oranges do sailors eat to fight off scurvy?

Navel oranges

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old sailor walks into a bar with his penis stuck in the hole of a steering wheel.

The bartender remarks on the unusual sight:

”Are you aware that you have your dick stuck in a steering wheel?”

The sailor replies:

”Aye, ah know, matey! It’s driving me nuts!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Sailor walks into a bar

A sailor walks into a bar owned by a old Marine. The Marine has a monkey behind the bar. Sailor asks what's with the monkey? Marine laughs and says watch this shit. Smacks the monkey on the head 4 times and it blows him. The Marine asks the sailor if he wants to try it? The sailor said sure but don’...

Say, sailor...

Say, sailor, nice earrings! How much were they?
"$2"
Not bad for a buccaneer.

After spending 90 days in the Persian Gulf, a sailor goes to complain to his master chief.

"Chief, I joined the Navy to see the world." The master chief replies, "Sailor, the Earth is 75 percent water. The navy showed you that, if you want to see the other 25 percent, join the army."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor is discharged from the Navy...

...and he's so happy to see his girlfriend, and so horny, that he hustles her behind a building, lifts her skirt, and proceeds to give her a knee-trembler right there at the pier.

As they were driving home, the satisfied sailor says, "Wow, that was great. And I know you liked it too, I saw yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A marine and a sailor are walking down the street...

When they spot a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The pair race up to the sheep, where the marine drops his pants and begins fucking the sheep. After a few minutes he finishes, take a step back and asks the sailor "you want to give it a shot?"

The sailor replies "hell ya" and promptly s...

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor

were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked l...

What's a sailor's favorite breakfast?

Boatmeal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a cannibalistic homosexual sailor eat?

Semen.

The sailor, the captain, and the barrel.

Once, there was a sailor. The captain welcomed him aboard as a new crew member.

The Sailor was just settling in when he notice that there were no female sailors. He was a hardy young man whole needed his fill of beer, bacon, and most of all: women. So the sailor went to the captain and asked...

A sailor is stranded on a desert island with nothing but palm fronds and sea anemones to live off. Finally when he was recused the rescuers asked why was he covered in anemones with a ring of palm fronds in arms reach. He replies, 'I keep my fronds close but my anemones closer'.

'With fronds like that, who needs anemones?'

How is a sailor like a student?

Their both trying to stay above C-Level

I asked a sailor for directions to a brothel. [NSFW]

He pointed to a building and said "Thar she blows"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The New Recruit

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.

"Let me show you...

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There was a sailor on a ship that was discovered to be gay.

When the others found out they tossed him off.

I overheard Oedipus swearing like a sailor...

...so I asked him, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Sailor: "Captain! Why is there a steering wheel where your dick should be?!"

Captain: "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor boarded his new ship....

Sailor: This ship looks boring, is there anything to do around here?

Captain: No, we only do one thing in our free time. We go to the bottom of the ship, oil up a hole in a barrel and fuck it.

Sailor: Well.... Okay when can I go down there?

Captain: Everyday except Sunday!
...

Why do sailors use liquid soap?

It takes longer to pick up when they drop it.

How does a sailor remove a condom?

He farts

Two old jokes my dad told me

These are two jokes my dad used to tell me when I was a kid.
___________________
Unfortunately, a man fell out of an airplane.

Fortunately, there was a haystack below him.

Unfortunately, there was a pitchfork in the haystack.

Fortunately, he missed the pitchfork.

Un...

A sailor once asked me if I knew the difference between port and starboard.

I said, "No. I've never drank any starboard".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor walks into a bathroom

A sailor walks into a bathroom and proceeds to a urinal.

While he's conducting his business, a marine walks into the bathroom and uses a urinal as well.

The sailor finishes up while the marine is mid piss.

The sailor is heading to the door without washing his hands, when the ...

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor is on shore leave for the first time in weeks

...first thing he does is go to the next whorehouse, where he pays the first available hooker to give him a blowjob.
She goes down on him and sucks away for 15 minutes, before she looks up and says: "Man, doesn't your dick ever get hard?" to which the sailor replies:
"It's not supposed to...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by...

Why did the sailor ground his son?

His grades were below sea level



^^im ^^so ^^sorry

What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?

Both have a phobia for sirens.

What is a sailor's favorite letter?

From his wife back home

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A group of sailors had jerked off behind my house and made a mess. It was disgusting so I called a bunch of guys to clean it. They asked me to show me the spot. I walked them to the back and said...

"See men, seamen semen."

I don't know if this belongs here, I mean it's not really a joke, but yeah...