What do a Credit Card and a Gymnast have in common?

Outstanding Balance!

I called the local gym asking if they can train me to do gymnastics.

They said, "How flexible are you?"




I said, "I'm free Monday, Tuesday, and Friday."

What do you call a dumb gymnast?

A flippin idiot

Did you hear about that poor gymnast's bank account?

Her balance was outstanding.

I’m dating a gymnast.

She’s head over heels.

Why don't gymnasts make much money as actors?

They normally perform non-speaking rolls

What does a gymnast put on their popcorn?

Sommer-salt.

Where do Olympic Gymnasts Go to Drink?

Uneven bars.

In honor of the upcoming Olympics: What is a gymnast's favorite spice?

Somersalts

Why did the gymnast become a body builder?

To increase flex-ability

What do you call a hipster that does gymnastics?

A Tumblr

Watching gymnastics

*gymnast does a double-triple-super-ultra-backflip-frontflip but takes a tiny step when she lands*

Me : *mouthful of pringles* what a loser

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3 guys died and went to heaven

As they were standing in front of the pearly Gates jesus appeared before them and explained, unfortunately we have been running at full capacity and at the moment we can only let in people in who died in an especially horrific way.

The first guy started to explain how he died. I left work ea...

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

Did you hear about the gymnast with narcolepsy

He’s slept on

I make it a habit to hang out with groups of gymnasts

Because there’s safety in tumblers.

A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.

When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely s...

They trained monkeys to do gymnastics. Guess what they gave them as a reward?

Banana splits

I failed the high jump in gymnastics class today...

Ever since then the bar was lowered

A gymnast walks into a bar,

And is immediately deducted 10 points

What does a cannibal call a gymnast?

A well balanced breakfast.

Two gymnasts decided to go into business

together and because one liked liquor and the other beer and wine, they decided they would open two pubs one directly across the street from the other. Unfortunately they had a falling out and went out of business due to poor marketing. They never could agree on a name for the parallel bars.

What's the difference between a gymnastic team and a playboy model?

The gymnasts do a bunch of cunning stunts.

The 2000 Chinese women's gymnastics team had to surrender their bronze medal after it was discovered that Dong Fangxiao was younger than the minimum age of 16.

They would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those medalling kids.

A gymnast walks into a bar.

He gets a two point deduction and ruins his chances of getting a medal.

A french gymnast is getting ready to perform...

His coach walks up and says, "Break a leg!"

I used to date a hot 95 pound gymnast with ADD

I just realized she may be the best fidget spinner I'll ever get to play with...

I tried to join a gymnastics class, once.

I had to bend over backwards just to get in.

Thank you to the dad I overheard telling his daughter this on public transport... a genuine dad joke.

What is the name of one of the Chinese gymnasts competing at the Rio Olympics?

Wai Tu Yung

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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

I used to have a fear of vaulting...

But then I got over it.

(Vaulting as in gymnastics)

A contractor, a gymnast, and a machinist walk into a bar.

Ouch.

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

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Take that back Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back....

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is...

A North Korean Gymnast walks into a bar

his family is summarily executed.

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Christmas wishes

Afternoon all, just wanted to take a minute to wish you all a very merry Christmas and a happy year, most of all good health!
These days people don't spend much time or thought on some personal words to their friends and family, they just copy and paste some random shit and send it on.
So, aft...

Three dead improv actors are told that only those who died a horrible death are allowed to enter Heaven due to overcrowding

So, the first thinks for a second and then explains to St. Peter that he got home and found his wife naked in bed in the middle of day. Suspecting adultery, he had searched their 10th floor apartment until he finally found a man hanging from the balcony by his finger nails.

Overcome with jeal...

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance

I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

God is having a tough day

(Not sure if this is a repost)

It’s particularly busy in heaven, and God decides that he is only going to let the most upsetting and ridiculous deaths into heaven.

The day goes on and around midday three men arrive at St. Peter’s gates, and god stops them, he says...

“Sorry guys...

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Prayers

A WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when ...

Three doctors are arguing over who is the best doctor.

"I am the best," says the first, "once a guy came into my office holding his right arm in his left hand, I sewed it back on and today he plays piano for the queen of England."



"I am the best," says the second, "a woman came into my office with her legs cut off, I sewed them back on an...

My daughter walked out of her circus class with a unicycle over her shoulder - the instructor wants her to learn it.

I told her that's good because she won't get two tired.

(True story. My daughter does take circus class at the local gymnastics place, and she did walk out with a unicycle given by her instructor. I was obligated to respond with the proper level of dad-jokery.)

A man runs into a bar

He didn't win the gymnastics competition.

Question: What's AAAA?

Answer: A couple of female gymnasts' bra cup sizes.

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