UPJOKE
adjustreadaptdomesticatenaturalizeaccommodateacclimatizeconformreadjustfitaltertailorchangetranscribemodifytame

Adapt Jokes

Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.

Did you hear the one about the extremely adaptable chiropractor to insects?

They were great at making adjustments on the fly.

If communism would adapt English, they would adapt to British English.

ColOURs, FlavOURs, FavOURite and humOUR.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

Have you guys heard about the new film adaptation of Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart?"

It's rumored to star Beneathio del Flooro.

So I've been watching an anime adaptation of the bible recently

And my favourite arc so far is Noah's

Have you seen the Indian adaptation of 'How I Met Your Mother' ?

It's called 'How My Parents Met Your Mother's Parents'

From 1 to 10 how do you rate your capacity to adapt to new technologies

IV

TIL the movie Starship Troopers was never adapted into a successful video game because...

...bugs.

An old Soviet joke I found on Wikipedia slightly adapted by me.

A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot ...

A joke from Taiwan slightly adapted to suit the world better

At a high school reunion, a group of people were having a chat, looking back on their childhood.

One of the guys said: "I used to look really pretty and my mom always took care of my looks, so everyone thought I was a girl."

Another replied: "That definitely caused a lot of troubles!"<...

Your opinion on the Harry Potter movie adaptations?

I thought that they were pretty good, and stayed faithful to the books. Although in my opinion, Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
-

Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 needs a shit load of adapters to work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Slightly adapted for translation

A black guy walks into a gun shop and asks the fellow behind the counter:

-Do you have rifles?

-No.

-Do you have shotguns?

-No.

-Pistols?

-No.

Confused, the black guy exits the shop and realizes the shop has all those items on display. Angered, he r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Samuel Jackson (an old one, adapted)

Young Samuel Jackson got a toy train for Christmas one year. His parents set up the track for him, and he happily sat down to play while the parents went about their business.

Sam yelled, "All you motherfuckers gettin on the train, get on the train! All you motherfuckers gettin off the train...

I will adapt your old joke into a video

Dear Reddit Humorists,

I am a huge fan of this sub reddit. It's pretty much the only thing I read on here. So let me first thank everyone who posts their grandpa's favorite joke. I am a director and I love comedy. So I've adapted a couple jokes into videos.

http://youtu.be/vJZm2n...

USSR Joke Adapted For 2018

On a tour of Washington D.C. a young man lags behind the tour group to take a longer look at the White House. However, he was quite upset with the President and in a moment of anger he shouts across the lawn "The President is a disgusting pig". As he turns to walk away the D.C. police quickly arrest...

A Taiwanese joke translated and adapted to suit global culture.

I failed my geography test because of one single question.

The question was: "Where's the capital of Ukraine?"

I responded with "Kyiv" when the answer was "Moscow".

I argued that the teacher doesn't know anything about geography while the teacher said I know nothing about commu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Morning Commute (Adapted Chinese Joke)

Two guys carpooling to work approach a stop light while a hot, young girl driving a Porsche pulls up next to them. The passenger says to the driver, "I bet she's the Mistress. At least she doesn't have to work."
The woman overhearing the passenger screams back, "Asshole! If I didn't have a job I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The human brain is like the internet, always adapting, discovering

and 90% porn.

How did Charlie Brown adaptively respond to snoopy's evemtual death?

Good grief.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've adapted a play about a hoard of small Chinese rodents that go to Paris during the French revolution and then all run off a cliff into the Seine.

Le Mings

The jungle book has been adapted into a live action play

But after the show at the Cincinnati zoo all other showings have been cancelled.

Disney just announced plans for an animated adaptation of Dante's Inferno

They're calling it, "101 Damnations."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've adapted this from an old joke, I hope you enjoy.

A man was hiring for a factory, he called in the first applicant from the waiting room and asked him a few questions. Then, for his final question he asked him, "Will you make a sentence with the word 'great'?"
The applicant replied after some thought "Oh, I have a leather jacket and I think it'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Ok.. Hear me out

So the perceived 'Road' in this case is actually the trick by the government to sell more adapters to construction company. This is because the secret lizard people of the UNDERGROUND are controlling the chickens neurons and each brain cell is secretly in on the plot. Y...

Did you hear about the new TV adaptation of Fiddler on the Roof, sponsored by Real Doll?

"Snatchmaker, Snatchmaker, make me a snatch."

Why wasn’t the director allowed to use a sword as a prop in his film adaption of a artillery book?

It wasn’t cannon

Did you hear apple is making an electric car?

Only problem is you have to buy an adapter to charge it at the station everyone else uses

So a finch asks his mother...

"Mom, why does my beak look different than yours?"
She replies, "Well son, I hate to break it to you, but you're adapted."

The Mortal Kombat theme song

Was adapted from an old Scandinavian church song.
It's a Finnish Hymn.

A land owner has caught a trespasser on his land.

"Didn't you see my sign that said, Private. Trespassers will be prosecuted?"

"Well, it's like this. I saw the sign, but when I read 'Private', I didn't read any further 'cause I thought it wasn't any of my business."



\-- Modern adaptation of a joke from a 1913 newspaper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple held hands and walked along a beach a sunset

A young couple held hands and walked along a beach a sunset. At dusk, a craft descended from the heavens and hovered in place thirty feet above their heads. Suddenly, they found themselves transported to the interior of the craft where two beings stood in front of them.

They had the app...

My friend works as a cab driver in London

one day, while chatting, I asked him if he found problems adapting to driving on the other side of the road

"not really, no, but the biggest problem is that sometimes instead of spitting outside the window I spit on the customer sitting next to me"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple breast implants

Apple is working on smart breast implants, which can adapt their shape and texture to suit your lifestyle. The iTit can be used charge your mobile devices while browsing, as cupholders, and even as a self defence device. Future app updates will include anti jiggle functions, as well as an automated ...

I'm working on a "rock opera" adaptation of The Wizard of Oz that would employ the songs and sounds of the best British artists, including the Rolling Stones, Jessie Ware, Mumford & Sons, the Verve, David Bowie, and Radiohead.

It's called "Mum-Ware Stone-Verve the Rade-Bow."

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

I just had a novel idea...

I can't wait for the movie adaptation to find out what it was.

I'm starting to suspect I was cloned from my older brother

All my genes are hand-me-downs

*Adapted from a song by His Royal Weirdness

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde walks into a bar holding a huge dog turd in her hands

and says, “Wow! Look what I almost stepped in!”

-(adapted from a joke from one of my favorite movies)

Now that we’re almost done with the Novel Coronavirus,

When can I expect the movie adaptation

Stale Donuts

I visited a little cafe not too far from the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, and ordered a coffee and a donut. The coffee was bland and cold but worst of all the donut was stale.
“Excuse me” I said “these donuts are stale.”
The assistant was polite “I’m sorry sir, those are yesterday’s donuts.”
“W...

Weddings by Christian denomination [super-dated but still funny]

At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a Mormon wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

At a United Church wedding, the minister is pregnant.

At a Unitarian wedding, the minister and her wife are both pregnant.

*Adapted poorly from a joke about Jewish denominat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By the old farm

About to hit forties, a successful business man from New York wants to get married. He wants a pretty and young girl, around 21 years old to show off to his fellow business men. However, as a religious man, he is looking for a virgin, which are kinda hard to find this days.

So he heads up to ...

They say Covid-19, the novel coronavirus is one of the worst things that's happened in recent years

But if you think this is bad, just wait till you see the movie adaptation!

What did Matthew McConaughey say to his publisher about his long awaited upcoming book?

I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shipwrecked group

A shipwreck left a group of 4 men and a woman stranded on an island. It quickly became apparent that rescue was unlikely and they did their best to adapt to their new circumstances. A part of that was the agreement that each man would get one week if the month to partner with the woman for sex &am...

What did Darwin tell his children?

You're adapted

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New bordello opened

New bordello opened. They will make every sexual wish come true, but if client can't pay, they will ask a butcher from neighboring meat shop to cut part of your body.

So, one day came russian oligarch. He fucked everyone in the bordello. Female prostitutes, male prostitutes, barman, barmaid a...

A teacher asked Jamaal what his father did...

Jamaal: My father is a doctor.
Teacher: Susie what about your father?
Susie: He is a lawyer.
Teacher: William?
William: My father...he’s passed.
Teacher: I’m sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?
William: He clutched his chest and collapsed.

Adap...

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I...

How does Thor power his appliances?

With a lightning Adapter

History Professor

A History Professor is welcoming a fresh intake of undergraduates and decides it is worth having a little fun to settle down the nervous young adults.

He looks at the register to see which students are in his class this semester.

“Do we have a Miss Butcher here?” He asks and a hand i...

What did Darwin’s son tell his siblings?

You’re adapted!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suddenly woke up in a world populated by dogs

There were dogs of all different breeds and for some reason most of them were puppies. While I looked around an older dog approached me:

"Welcome." - He said - "I'm Old Dog Bob, and I'm designated to explain things to you..."

What? the dogs could talk?

"...Once every 100 years a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked up to me and asked "Did you sleep with my wife"

And I thought about it and said "the term "slept" or sleep is weird, because sleep means to close your eyes and go into a not conscious state, but we have adapted the term to also be used in the context of sexual relation. I find it makes more sense to just say I did fuck your wife."

Anyway I...

Comic-Con Mysteries Panel

A friend of mine went to Comic-Con in San Diego a few years back, and attended a panel on mystery books and movies. Authors and actors there, a large panel, nearly 20 people. Most of the cast of the Sherlock Holmes movies and a few Agatha Christie adaptation were there. One of the audience members a...

My parents called a meeting just to tell me I'm really well-suited to my environment?

I don't remember exactly what they said, but it was something like, "son, you're adapted."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dapple's Car Accident

Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn.


Dapple was driving ...

A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks.

One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?”

“I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. What I’m about to...

How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. He or she just stands there holding the bulb out waiting for the world to revolve around them..... or goes out and buys an adapter first to make the bulb compatible!

Hey,​ doc. I think I have a space illness.

D: Like a space adaptation syndrome?

M: No, doc, more like meteorism.

My kid was dying to go on our trip to Disneyland

sponsored by Make-A-Wish.

A translated Chinese Joke

*Apologies in advance, as this joke does not translate cleanly. I had to adapt part of it so it could make sense*






A eunuch (think Varys from Game of Thrones) was wandering around town.

Back in ancient China, many high ranking jobs had castration as a requireme...

Daedalus and the Labyrinth

Daedalus, the famous Greek architect and inventor, was relaxing in his home in the Blessed Isles of the Underworld when Hades, the Lord of Death himself, came to him with a favor.

"Listen, Daedalus," Hades began. "You know how the population of the dead here increase every year? The Underworl...

That holocaust joke reminded me of this one I heard about 2 Mexican dudes.

2 Mexican guys move to America from Mexico. They decide to each go their own way and try to adapt to the culture of their new home. A year later they bump into each other.

Mexican guy 1: Hey man! Long time no see! How have you been adapting? I got really into NASCAR, I got this American flag...

Recently I felt Funny and came over Queasy...

At which point I was told to leave the local theatre adaption of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

[OC] Once upon a time, there were these two dust mites - Dusty and Harry

They both grew up together, going to the same school, living in the same couch cushion.

They were both always the popular mites. Harry was the bad boy of the class, earning the nickname Dirty Harry.

Dusty, on the other hand, was the sweetheart all the mites wanted to be with.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew and his son enter a taxi in New York

“How much to Washington?” asks the Jew.

“For that distance, it’ll be about $500,” replies the driver.

“Could you drive me for free?” asks the Jew.

The driver ponders this.

“Fine, but you can’t say a word while I’m driving.”

So they leave New York and go towards...

An old woman notices her husband's fly is unzipped...

An old woman sees her husband's fly on his pants is unzipped. She says, "You left the barn door open. The cow is gonna get out if ya don't close it."

The old man replied, "It can't get out if it can't get up!"

(I adapted this from an actual exchange that my great grandparents had a few...

India sends a cat to Mars

In a few years India will send a cat to Mars to check out if it is possible to survive in that environment.

After some adaptation the cat starts roaming around on Mars.

All is well until one fine day suddenly the cat is mashed under a vehicle of sorts.

Everyone is wondering w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump looked out the Oval Office window one winter morning -- and called in the FBI

The President was *furious* because someone had written "Fuck Trump" in yellow snow. "I want to know what loser did that, pronto!"

A few hours later, the FBI presented the results of their investigation. "Mr. President, the urine is Steve Bannon's, -- and the hand-writing is Melania's."
<...

How can we be sure the government wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination?

Well he's dead, isn't he?




(Adapted from Neil Gaiman's *American Gods*)

Sketchy neighborhood

>~~Stolen~~ Adapted from a comment thread on LiveLeak...

A guy was driving along in east Los Angeles and got a little thirsty. He pulled over to a little bodega to grab a drink. Because the neighborhood was sketchy, he parked and jumped out and ran inside real fast.

An old loiterer ...

An American working in London visits a rural pub in the west country

There are three farmers sitting at a table and he can't help but overhear their discussion.

"I reckons its like TrrrrrrrrrUUUUUUUMMMP!" says the first farmer ending the sound with a triumphant squeaking crescendo

"No no, it's more like Trrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoooooomp" responds the ...

Theres Mama Bird, a Baby Bird, and a Brother Bird

One day baby bird comes up to mama bird and asks, "mama, how come my beak is different than brother bird?" Mama bird, caught off gaurd for a second, lets out a sigh and says, "baby bird. Ive been waiting for the right time to tell you this, but I guess this is as good a time any. Baby Bird the truth...

My wife is kind of lazy

We were watching an item on the news yesterday, about a wheelchair-bound quadriplegic who could play the (specially adapted) flute beautifully.

"Oh my god." She said, tears welling in her eyes, "I'd love to be able to do that."

"What, play the flute?" I asked.


"No, sit down ...

Support Bacteria

Now I don't do that, though. Now I merely go about my day. I hike to the Gardens, where the dogplants sprout up in bizarre shapes from the floor of the dogscape, and reach up to pluck the fetal puppyfruits right off the wagging, energetic branches. I bite into the succulent flesh, the juices dribbli...

Dead crows

There were many dead crows on highways in the Rocky Mountains this year. Ornithologists suspected it was due to vehicles hitting the crows.

This was surprising because crows have adapted to feeding on carcasses by having two birds watching from the trees while two birds feed. If there is a v...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, a Russian, and an Irishman walk into a bar.

A Frenchman, a Russian, and an Irishman walk into a bar. The Frenchman orders a glass of wine, the Russian orders a shot of Vodka, and the Irishman orders a pint of ale. When the drinks come, all 3 have a fly in them. The Frenchman yells at the barman and demands another. The Russian picks up the fl...

To be part of the clan...

A man is looking for a radical life change. After considerable thought, he decides to move to the freezing regions of Alaska, to live with the Eskimos. He leaves soon afterwards.

He really enjoys his time there. He seems to be getting along with everyone, and has learned to adapt to the ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The greyhound ride

One of my favorites from my country, not sure if I have heard it in the US, so I adapted the cities:

A man needs to take a greyhound from miami to savannah. The night before he goes out partying and arrives dead tired to the bus station. He tells the driver he’s going to fall asleep but to pl...

The French Test Drive

An American couple took their honeymoon in France, and they loved it so much they decided they just had to live there. But the costly move left them in financial hardship. Eventually, they did both find jobs, but on opposite ends of the city, so they decided to buy a car.

"This one," said the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys and a witch....

In a small village there is a long standing rumour that the nearby woods was inhabited by a witch, several missing people and some strange smoke from a seemingly abandoned hut had fuel the rumours for years.
One day three local men decided enough was enough and made way to the woods for a few day...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The two whales.

In the latter part of the 19th century two whales were swimming along in the sea. Otetiani, a boy whale, and Orenda, a girl whale.

As they swam along they saw in the distance a whaling ship. Upon seeing the ship Orenda became very nervous knowing that the ship meant death for her and Otetiani...

Etiquette for beginners

[adapted from a scene in the film Carry on Cruising]

A steward on a cruise ship is hesitating outside a door to a cabin with a pot of coffee on a tray. The chief purser doing his rounds sees him and asks him what he's doing.

"Well sir, it's like this", the steward begins, "I'm complete...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation.

They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says American, "So ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pig-Fucker Joke (NSFW)

So this guy breeds exceptionally rare, prized pigs, pigs that people from across the world seek to acquire.

One day, as he was sailing with a group of pigs to over-sea market, a nasty storm rolled in. His ship capsizes, and the man wakes up on the shore of a desert island with only one pig, ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.