UPJOKE

I Survived Jokes

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

When my kid asks how i survived WW3 id tell him this...

Iran

Someday I hope I can look back on the Coronavirus and say "Yeah, I survived the pandemic. I don't know how I managed, but lemme tell ya...

It was Pur'ell."

I slipped off a building, but luckily a passing group of schoolchildren broke my fall.

I survived, with only minor injuries.

There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.

There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and...

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

I almost got pussy.

I'm glad I survived by talking.

i caught the most incredible lightning with my camera last night, i was lucky

i survived

Three dead improv actors are told that only those who died a horrible death are allowed to enter Heaven due to overcrowding

So, the first thinks for a second and then explains to St. Peter that he got home and found his wife naked in bed in the middle of day. Suspecting adultery, he had searched their 10th floor apartment until he finally found a man hanging from the balcony by his finger nails.

Overcome with jeal...

Been married for 20 years

Been married for 20 years, but I still carry my wife's picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life, I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And It comforts me knowing that... If I survived being married to this psycho, I can survive anything.

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

Three men arrive at heavenā€¦

Prior to entering they must each tell their story separately on how they died as the greeter of the gates likes to hear the stories, good or bad. The first man proceeds to tell his story.

ā€œ I arrived home from work early because Iā€™ve had the suspicion that my wife has been cheating on me. As ...

This joke may contain profanity. šŸ¤”

George walks up to me he's bruised and battered and covered in blood...

I ask him what the hell happened to him. He says "I'm just walking along, minding my own business and this horse comes out of nowhere and knocks me down." I say "That explains it, let me call you an ambulance." He says "Hold on I haven't finished yet, so I get up, dust myself down and wouldn't you k...

St Peter is at the gates of Heaven,

The line for people who have died is getting rather long. St. Peter tells God that he doesn't have time to make sure that all of the people who deserve to be in heaven are let in.

God replies: "for today, only let those through who have had...interesting deaths."

St. Peter returns to t...

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