You’ve really got to give props to Carrot Top.

And even then he’s not that funny.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

Props to the rain

It gets all the girls wet

A lady went into a bar and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out ...

Why wasn’t the director allowed to use a sword as a prop in his film adaption of a artillery book?

It wasn’t cannon

What do you call a local store that sells costume pieces and theater pieces?

A Mom and Prop Shop

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A guy was walking to a bar...

And on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't ...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

There was a thief that went to a theater to steal an expensive prop...

But what he really stole was the spotlight.

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

Did you hear about the magician that tortured his props?

He pulled a hat out of a rabbit.

"So how'd the blind date go?" I asked my wheelchair-bound friend.

"Awful," he said. "She just walked into the restaurant, lifted me out of my chair, propped me against the table, and left."

"Aw, man, that sucks," I said. "I can't believe she stood you up."

An assistant for a film company is scared to confront his boss

One day he goes back home early because of the stress, after explaining the situation to his wife she says:

"You're going to go back to the set, and tell the director you're gonna need the support beams, the setpieces, and your rightful recognition for the hard work you did!"

Later tha...

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A teacher gives 7 grade students a task

to learn about a topic from a given list (which goes: food, water, cows, horses, airplanes etc) and then present it in class the next week with props and costumes. One of those students, George, felt that this was a stupid thing to do and didn’t prepare that day. The following day, his parents got a...

To be fair Theresa May warned of a coalition of chaos propped up by extremist terrorist sympathisers

She just didn't say she'd be leading it

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Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assum...

Working on an underfunded TV show is really hard

All those involved deserve some props

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Negligent Discharge

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was a...

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Emotions NSFW

3 dummies decide to go to a party. They arrive at the party and are promptly turned away because it’s a costume party and they are not wearing costumes. Determined to go to the party they go looking for props to make costumes. In the back alley they find a pile of painting supplies, brushes, rollers...

An elderly man and his wife went to the state fair every year

There was a pilot who offered airplane rides for $20 (it's one of the old prop planes). The elderly man would ask his wife if they could go on the plane and every year she would say, "Twenty bucks is twenty bucks, we don't have that kind of money to spare."

This year at the fair, the pilot ov...

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A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed." she says. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."



She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. "...

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A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

[Long] A captain in the air force...

Is boarding a plane home, and as he's loading his luggage in the over head, notices a Marine Lance Corporal snoozing against the window. The Air Force Captain grins a bit, knowing Marines reputation for being jar heads, and decides he's going to have a bit of fun.

Sitting next to the marine, ...

A man and his wife die in a car accident.

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man. 

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man i...

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My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.


"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"


"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thi...

What’s the difference between true communism and unhindered capitalism.

One spies on the people, removes privacy for the sake of the masses, and props up an establishment that serves only the lucky few.

And the other fortunately never caught on in America.

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A nun goes down to the market...

A nun goes down to the market to buy a fish to prepare for dinner back at the convent. As she approaches the local fisherman's stand, she sees him holding up a massive fish, saying, "I'm selling this big Sunnuvabitch!". The nun, repulsed by such language, chastises the fisherman for saying this. He ...

A bully and his gang walk into a Subway store

He then sees the sandwich artist (that's what they are called) is a skinny, young, inexperienced kid- a perfect target to bully while ordering some subs. He walks up to the kid and starts his order of his 6-inch sub

The kid then proceeds to cut a footlong sub bread in half for a 6-inch sub wh...

On a film set, everyone is getting ready to start shooting, when the director calls for his assistant to bring him the script.

The assistant runs onto set and starts kicking over props, crawling around the floor and frantically pulling his hair.

As the assistant starts tearing off his clothes and shaking them around, the director thinks to himself, "He's lost the plot!"

I just saw a man survive getting hit by a plane wing

Massive props to him.

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.

"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.

"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'h...

This man has a pain in his eye every morning...

He has a daily morning routine, he wakes up, washes his face, brews his coffee, he mixes it with a spoon, and drinks it. For some reason he always has a pain in his eyes.
So one day he goes to the doctor after becoming fed up of the pain. The doctor first asks him about his diet, and the man rep...

Did you know...

...that the prop on the front of a plane is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actully see the pilot sweating.

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.





...

At The Old Peoples Home

A frail old man is put in to a care home by his family. They visit him a few days later and as they are talking he starts leaning to the left. A nurse quickly runs over and props him up straight. A little while later he starts leaning to the right, again the nurse runs over and props him up again. T...

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A guy jogging on the beach sees a girls with no arms or legs.

Her torso is just propped up on some sand. As he draws nearer he sees that she's crying. He doesn't want to intrude, but he figures she might need some help.

"Excuse me, miss. Why are you crying?" he asks.
She responds "I'm just so sad! I've never been kissed before and I don't guess I eve...

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Three Commanding Officers are sitting in the Officer's Quarters aboard an Aircraft Carrier.

A Marine Colonel, A Navy Lieutenant Commander overseeing the SEAL aboard the ship, and an Army Major overseeing the Rangers aboard. The Colonel turns to the other officers and says, "My men are braver than your men." The other two turn to him and say "Yeah, well prove it."

The Colonel calls i...

The movie director made a good joke

He got props for it

What are those spinny things that smaller airplanes use to move?

Props to whoever can answer this.

One day a priest was walking on a pier when he noticed a guy in a boat fishing

He waves to the fisherman, and the fisherman asks him if he'd like to join him in the boat for a little angling. The priest enthusiastically agrees but explains that he's never fished before. The angler says he'll teach him.

On his first cast, the priest hauls in a really big fish. The fisher...

An elderly man is sitting alone at a bar.

An elderly man is sitting alone at a bar. It starts to get late and the bar tender says

"Sorry pal, last call"

Upon hearing this, the man pays his bill and turns to look at the door. As he begins to stand up, he suddenly falls and lands face first.

"I must have had more than I ...

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Two Indian lads go to a party

Two Indian lads get invited to a fancy dress party, the theme is... ‘come as an emotion’

After much thought the lads think they have it sorted and get prepped for the big night. They get naked, grab their props and head down the hall to where the party is at.

The host is letting peopl...

A teacher is going over vocabulary in a single classroom school in rural Ireland.

A teacher is going over vocabulary words in a rural town in Ireland.
She asks the class if they have any big words to share, and little Mary-Anne raises her hand.

"Yes Mary-Anne, what's you vocabulary word?" Asks the teacher.

"Contagious" says little Mary-Anne.

"Thank you, ...

Two Mexicans are making an attempt to cross the U.S. border.

A border patrol agent spots them and yells out, "HEY, what do you think you're doing??"

One responds, "We're invading America!"

The agent says, "Just the two of you???"

"No, we're the last two. The rest are already there!"

-Props to John Cleese

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Classic Rocky and Bullwinkle pun

On a December trip to Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, Ferdinand Feghoot was summoned to the local college, Wossamotta U. by Inspector Fenwick, the Chief of Police.

There he was confronted with an appalling scene. Bullwinkle, the town's leading citizen, had been smashed flatter than a kippered her...

Neighbor's Rabbit

I came home from work to find my dog playing with a fluffy toy, tossing it in the air, rolling on in, etc. A closer check revealed the toy to be my neighbour's pet rabbit.

 

There was already a bit of tension between us and the neighbours, so I didn't want them to know my do...

One day, old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair...

There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person.

Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that."

Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire, talking and BSing. Being a Texan, the first man decides to use a lull in the conversation to prove his manhood to the group. He pulls out a 6-pack of Lone Star beer and a revolver, slams down one of the beers i...

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The Hunting Story

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said,

"See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."...

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The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.

"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked

"One day, I was riding my bicycle ...

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What's the difference between a 69 and a sucker punch?

At least in a 69, you can see the cunt coming.


*Props to a colleague for telling me this joke. *

What do you call a stand-up comedian with no legs?

A prop comic

My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment.

Props to him.

A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor.

Other patrons decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. They prop him up and assist him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. They finally carry him to his front door and ring ...

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A joke for the older generations

So there once was this women by the name of Marge, who could never seem to snag a man to stay by her side for more than a year! She had many husband and would bear many kids with each husband. By the end of her fertility period she had given birth to a 100 kids! In order to remember all their names ...

What does an actor eat for breakfast?

Prop tarts.


Bonus: What does an actor eat for a snack?

A: Prop corn.

Gentlemen...BEHOLD! Puns.

What do you call a cool mushroom?...A fun guy!!!

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

A guy walks into a restaurant, and takes a seat. Acr...

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The corniest dirty joke ever

There are three guys lost in the desert. They have been wandering around for weeks, and are somehow still alive, yet they are on the brink of death. They crawl over a sand dune and all stop, staring into the distance with their mouths agape.

"Do you see that?" the first guy says. "Yup," the o...

12 year old and a clown walking through the woods..

A 12 year old and a clown are walking through the woods one night.

The kid turns to the clown and says "Mr. clown these woods sure are scary!"

The clown turns to the kid and says "What are you scared for? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

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Voodoo Dick

[NSFW]

A husband whose wife is notorious for cheating on him while he is away on business is at his wits end with the whole thing.

He loves his wife dearly, and explained to her that this cannot continue. He has a long trip coming up soon and knows that she is going to cheat on him if ...

Bubble wrap

I work in the props department for a stage show company. Yesterday my boss asked me to fetch a 30-yard roll of bubble wrap from the store room. I brought it to her but her hands were full so she told me to just pop it in the corner. Took me an hour.

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During the Dark Ages, the Pope decrees that he is going to expel all of the Jews out of Europe...

...naturally, the Jews aren't very happy with this. Jewish people all over Europe start protesting in the streets, demanding that the Pope change his mind and let the Jewish people stay. Since the protests and riots are starting to get a bit chaotic and violent, the Pope creates a proposition. He wi...

A kid goes to a store to buy his mother a present

So the little boy goes to a store to buy his mother a present. So he goes to the counter and asks if they have any cookies jars? So the clerk grabs down six and hands them to the boy. He inspects the first one, lifts off the lid and looks inside. He says "nope", surprised, the clerk hands him a seco...

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The Ladder to success

A man is walking down the street and he comes across a ladder that reaches all the way up to the clouds. On the ladder there is a note that only says "Ladder To Success". He stares at it in bewilderment but decides to give it a shot. After climbing for hours he finally reaches the clouds. A morbidly...

What kind of shoes do they wear in Holland?

Wooden shoe like me to tell you.

[Props to my 8-year-old daughter for this one]

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Obsolete Technologies

A man is sitting in a recliner watching television when he asks his wife to pass the newspaper.

She starts barking at him,"Why don't you learn how to use this iPad? You're never going to get better at technology if you don't start using it for some of the simple things."

Considering hi...

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helping the disabled

A guy goes jogging along a cliff face that over looks the ocean, and sees a woman with no arms or legs sitting on a bench crying. He stops to make sure she's alright. "What's wrong." he asks. She looks up at him sobbing and says,"my entire life no one has ever hugged me." So the guy gives her a hug...

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Once upon a time, there lived a very famous juggler...

He gained notoriety and fame by managing to juggle up to 15 balls at once with impressive dexterity. He could juggle them behind his back, he could juggle them blindfolded, he could even juggle them while standing on his head. His skill was unmatched and all of his shows were sold out, no matter wha...

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If you're riding a horse at full speed along side a giraffe and a lion is chasing you, what do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.



Props to the radio station I heard this on today.

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An Irish Golfer Strikes a Leprechaun with his Tee Shot...

Colm goes out one fair evening for a solo round of golf. On the third hole (a long dogleg left par 4) he smashes his driver over the trap that guards the left corner of the dogleg. When Colm arrives at his ball, he sees a little red bearded man dressed in green lying unconscious with a large knot on...

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Family Reunion...

So a whole huge family is at their annual reunion. The oldest living member of the family "Great Granny" is sitting in a big comfy recliner off to the side so the children don't bother her. Suddenly the 98 year old leans over to the left. Uncle Bill rushes over and straightens her up saying "Dont wo...

Man has to put his father in a nursing home...

And so a week later, the man goes to visit his father.

The man is walking down the hall, and he sees his father sitting at the end of the hall between two orderlies.

As he walks closer, his father falls over on his left side, and the orderly on that side props him back up.

Th...

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