Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

Why did the pressure cooker jump off the pier?

Peer pressure!

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Went to the pier today and seen a lady with no arms and no legs propped up on a bench. She was crying her eyes out.

I walk up to her and said “What’s wrong?” She replies “I’ve never been hugged before.” I looked around and gave her a hug. The next day I encounter the same woman, crying again on the pier. I ask her again, “What’s wrong now?”She says” I’ve never been kissed before.” So I kissed her, but she start...

A very sick main walks onto a pier.

He slowly stumbles around and eventually makes his way to the end of the dock to a small shed.

He stands in front of it and knocks on the door. As soon as someone answers he whimpers, "Can anyone in the help me?"

An old sailor takes one look at him, and says "I think you're at the wro...

There is a pier with two docks. An empty boat pulls up, which dock do the passengers unboard onto?

Well that's the thing, it's a paradox

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Two alter boys fishing at the pier

Two alter boys were fishing at the pier with little luck. All of a sudden the first alter boys pole jerks downward and he reels up a monster fish.

"Hey, look at this big sonofabitch I caught!" The second alter boy looks at him and says,

"You can't say that we're Catholic."

The ...

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly...

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Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post.

Presumably with the message ‘From one twat to another.

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One day a priest leaves the church and decides to sit at a nearby pier and watch the fisherman...

While sitting, one of the fisherman invites the priest to join him. The priest agrees and they start fishing. After a few minutes the priest pulls up a huge fish. The priest, shocked, yells out, "Woah! Look at that son of a bitch!"

The priest looks at the fisherman and says, "Please mind your...

My wife called because the car wouldn't start.

She said it has water in the carburetor. Knowing my wife has no knowledge of anything mechanical I said, "and how do you know there's water in the the carburetor?"
She said, "because I drove off the pier and it's in the ocean. "

They’re tearing down a pier near my house, but I don’t think that they should…

... I think they should just let pylons be pylons

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One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church...

He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Gi...

Hey dad, is that a wiener dog on that pier?

No, that’s a dock, son.

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A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain.

He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down ever...

Shipping out soon!

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you'v...

my friends wanted me to pull my boat up to the dock...

...but i don't give in to pier pressure.

When your friend Matt, who you know doesn't like piers, gets too close to one.

Onomatopoeia

(For best experience, say in an English accent)

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$1 joke from homeless man on Santa Monica pier- "What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek"

" Together We can stop this shit"

One day a priest was walking on a pier when he noticed a guy in a boat fishing

He waves to the fisherman, and the fisherman asks him if he'd like to join him in the boat for a little angling. The priest enthusiastically agrees but explains that he's never fished before. The angler says he'll teach him.

On his first cast, the priest hauls in a really big fish. The fisher...

My friends told me to jump under a dock

I was crushed and broke multiple bones.

Morale of the story, dont give in to pier pressure

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A traveler walks into a bar in a foreign land...

He started up a conversation with a bar owner, Greg for confidence. Eventually they were talking about his business.

Greg: you see this bar? It took years to build this bar, to find every perfect piece of brick, to hone it into a perfect bar. But do they call me Greg the bar builder? No.
...

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A man taking a walk along a pier...

... suddenly hears this heartbreaking sobbing. He goes to investigate the noise and finds a woman in a wheelchair, without arms or legs, crying her eyes out.

He rushes over and kneels down besides her, asking her if she's ok, has she been abandoned here?

"Well," She answers, through he...

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I was walking down the pier one day and saw a woman's dog fall into the water...

She started screaming in a panic as her dog couldn't swim very well and was starting to go under. Out of nowhere a little german man dived over the edge and dragged the dog out and started performing CPR on the dog. The dog came to and was fine, the woman says ''Oh my god, are you a little vet?'' th...

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I was walking along the pier with my toy poodle...

When suddenly, she jumped into the water. I panicked but before I could do anything, a German tourist had jumped in to save the poor dog. He swam over, scooped her up, climbed up the ladder and handed me the shivering poodle.

He said “here is ze dog, keep her warm, dry her off and she vill b...

The Dockmaster recently started smoking.

Gave into pier pressure.

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There was an armless and legless woman crying on a pier

There was an armless and legless woman crying on a pier. A man walks up to her asking if everything is alright. In between tears the woman explains that she has never been kissed in her life. The man says i can help you and kisses her on the lips. The woman stops crying and says she has also never ...

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A Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."
He gulps down the whiskey and o...

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A young man gets chatting to an old stranger at a bar. The old man strokes the bar and says, “I built this bar with my own hands”.

“I took the oak, I laminated it, turned it into planks, sanded it down and finished it. Am I known as “The old man who builds bars”? No.”

The old man stands up, “Come outside, young man.”
“Look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, stacked them up, and ...

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A man takes a walk along an ocean pier....

Where he spots a quadriplegic woman in a wheelchair, crying. He asks her what's wrong, and she replies, "I'm 35 years old, and I've never been kissed before."

The man leans forward, and gently kisses the woman on the lips.

The woman cheers up a bit, and thoughtfully says "You know, I'...

What causes some boats to become party boats?

Pier pressure

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So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:

"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scorching weather, but do they call me "McGregor ...

What do you call a dehydrated french man?

Pier (pronounced pee-air)

When I said "Why don't you take a long walk off a short pier," I didn't expect him to do it.

I wasn't being littoral.

If your boat gets sick, I know a great dock.

It's pier-reviewed.

A man once called a pier the ugliest eyesore he'd ever seen, but was then never seen again.

I guess you could say he diss-a-pier-ed.

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

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Best joke that I tell...got it from this sub over a year ago

A young American tourist just arrived in the Irish Countryside for vacation.



He steps into the nearest pub for a pint, and sits down near this old haggard man.



The old man looks over at the Tourist and says:



"Young man, do you see this Pub? I built this P...

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No one ever fucks me

Billy has always wanted to go on a deep sea fishing trip but could never afford it. He saved all the spare money he could but still didnt have enough to pay for tge trip so he decides to just buy a 6 pack of Bud Light and fish off of the pier.

He gets out to the pier and notices a woman with ...

Holiday trip to Alcatraz

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.


Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them...

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A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the ...

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A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

I, Mewlingquimlover was in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

I said, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."
"But do they call me Mewlingquimlover-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then I gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. D...

Went to the seaside and didn't want to go with my friends on this long wooden platform...

But in the end I bowed to pier pressure.

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O'Connor The...

So, I was having a conversation with some old irish guy at the pub, was pretty swell. We talked about life, hobbies, interests and then, jobs... Old guy starts with looking at the table, says out "Well I built dat table, but dey don't call me O'Connor De Table Maker." He looks to me, "I help some pe...

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A man is drowning his sorrows at a bar.

Over his beer, he tells the bartender, "I built this bar, you know, and many other buildings over the years. But do they call me McGregor the builder? No, they do not.

Look outside. Do you see that road? I built that too, and many others over the years. Do they call me McGregor the road buil...

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Three guys were talking to each other in a bar

Three guys were talking to each other in a bar "Hey guys I think I might have the smallest arms" says one. "I think I have the smallest head" says another. "I got you both beat I think I have the smallest penis" said the third. "Lets see if we can get in the Guinness book of world records" says the ...

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A man is at the zoo...

... and comes to a silver back gorilla exhibit and he notices a sign. The sign states " Please do not tap the gorilla". He looks around and says fuck it and taps the gorilla.

The gorilla breaks out the cage violently and starts chasing the man. He realizes the bad choice that he made. He star...

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While Visiting Scotland I stop at a bar

While I was in Scotland I stop at the local pub and belly up next to an old drunk Scot nursing his drink.



After a few drink he says to me, "Ach, laddie, you see this bar? This bar right here?! I built this bar with mine own two hands and mine own aching back! But do they call me MacGr...

How do you ensure a dock gets a fair trial?

Have it decided by a jury of his piers

I put a weight on a dock,

Now that’s what I call pier pressure.

How did pirates communicate before the internet?

Pier to Pier Networking

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A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink...

the only people in there are a bartender and an old man nursing a beer. And he orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while. And suddenly the old man turns to him and goes, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands from the finest wood in the county. Gave it more love and care tha...

Did you hear about the study done about boat docks?

It was pier-reviewed research!

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A guy walks into a bar in a small Scottish town...

He sees an old dude sitting by himself, grumbling over a glass of whiskey. There's no other free chairs, so he sits down across from the old man.

"What's got you so down, buddy?" the man asks the grumpy old Scotsman.

"You see that wall along the road coming into town? I built that wall...

An English sailor is swept overboard and ends upon alone on an island

In a terrible storm in the south seas, an English sailor is swept overboard. Somehow he manages to find enough wood to cling to, survives the storm, and eventually washes up on an island.


After giving up on any hope of a quick rescue, he realizes he must make do. As an member of the R...

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The scotish hill traveler and the bartender

A traveler, while hiking the scottish hills, stumbles upon a bar and walks in. He sits down and orders a drink, the bartender starts:"You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands, chopped every tree, nailed every nail, gave it more love and care than my own son! But do they call me Gregor t...

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Balls

A group of generals and an admiral are all fishing off a pier one crisp fall afternoon. They each have a personal aide* with them. The topic of which branch has the biggest balls comes up and the debate get's pretty heated.

The Navy admiral takes his hat* off and throws it into the lake. "Sea...

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Never been fucked

One day a guy is walking on the pier and sees a woman in a wheelchair crying. The man walks up to her to see if he can help.

"You see," the woman says through sobs, "I've been in a wheelchair since I was young and boys never paid me any attention. Can you believe I've never even been hugged b...

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Have I ever told you of Seamus? Oh no...

One evening while I was vacationing in Scotland, I had decided to visit a pub near the piers. It was an older establishment, and all the more cozy for it.
As I sat there enjoying my drink at the bar, I noticed that a drunken fellow a few stools away from me would occasionally glance at me and gr...

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A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland

A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland, when, as is the custom in such areas, an unexpected rainstorm came up. Seeking shelter, he found an old stone pub with a light on, and stumbled in through the front door. The pub was painfully small, with just a handful of stools, a bark...

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A Limbless Girl

One day a boy was walking out on his favourite pier at the beach to enjoy the view. As he came closer to the end, he noticed a girl with no limbs sitting on a bench crying.

The boy asked, “why are you crying?”

The girls responded, “no one has ever given me a hug before.”

So the...

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Someone asked me today if I'd ever had a cockring.

I said that yes, Piers Morgan had phoned me once.

Why do they put protection buoys on boats during docking?

To protect it from pier pressure.

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McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*

"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."

*the young man is uninterested*

*even l...

A man walks into an antique store

and starts looking around.
Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it." The man replies "I really don't care about ...

Wish

Translated from my language, might contain mistakes, I apologize in advance.


Guy was walking on the beach and saw an Aladdin Lamp buried in the sand. He grabbed it, rubbed it till it got clean and genie came out and told him:

-You have freed me from the lamp, I can make one wish c...

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"You're a shit quay!" I shouted. Everyone looked at me like I was a weirdo, but I blame my girlfriend.

She was the one that told me to diss a pier.

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A sailor is discharged from the Navy...

...and he's so happy to see his girlfriend, and so horny, that he hustles her behind a building, lifts her skirt, and proceeds to give her a knee-trembler right there at the pier.

As they were driving home, the satisfied sailor says, "Wow, that was great. And I know you liked it too, I saw yo...

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There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.

On one Satu...

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Boyde the...

A young man walks into a bar in Scotland and orders a beer. He says, "Greetings from America!"... the bartendender gives him his beer and says, "Welcome, me names Boyde!"

After a few moments the young man realizes that the bar is AMAZING, hand built wood. He asks the bartender, "Did your fath...

The greatest harbor on Earth can shelter not a single ship...

It is truly without pier.

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A very drunk man is in the pub complaining about his current reputation.

A man named Johnny is in the local pub one night and as usual, he is quite drunk. Although he is only talking directly to one of the locals, he is talking loud enough for everyone to hear. He says:

"You see the fucking wall out there, do ya? The fucking wall that fucking stretches from one en...

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A young man is backpacking through Ireland...

When he decides to go to a bar in a small town. He sits down next to a native just sipping on his drink.

The native stops and says to the young man in a thick Irish accent "You see this bar here!" He said as he slammed his hand on the bar. "I built this bar with my own two hands. Board by boa...

I heard the boat lost at sea was the best boat around.

It had no piers.

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown.

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it."

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him....

Why didn't the man go under the boardwalk?

He doesn't like giving in to pier pressure.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats:

A Republican sees a man drowning 40 feet from a pier. He throws him a 20-foot rope and expects him to swim half way.
A Democrat sees a man drowning 40 feet from a pier. He throws him an 80-foot rope. And lets go of his end.

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Old McMurty

A man walks into a lonely Scottish pub and finds it empty except for a sour old man behind the bar. The old Scot behind the bar scowls and pours the man a glass of whisky before he gets a chance to order anything else.

"I've kept this bar for over 20 years now, an' do they call me McMurty th...

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Fisherman's Joke

A man and a woman are on their honeymoon at a nice resort for a 3 day stay. The resort manager notices the man leave in the morning on the first day and spent the day fishing. He does this for 2 more days, so the manager decides to approach the man and ask "Why aren't you in there having sex with yo...

A young boat dock is caught smoking

A young boat dock is caught smoking by his mother. When his father gets home the parents stand over the little boat dock lecturing him on the dangers of smoking. "What do you have to say for yourself?" The little boat dock replies, "It was pier pressure."

A man and a woman go scuba diving for their honeymoon.....

... and they are having the absolute time of their life. The fish, the coral- it's all just wonderful. But then, out of nowhere, they hear a great rumbling, look behind them, and see a cruise ship headed straight for them!

They separate, one to each side of the massive ship. When the ship pas...

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Poor McGregor can't catch a break

A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him
strikes up a conversation:

You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands.
But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-maker?' No.

...

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A Scotsman's Legacy

A young man is backpacking through Scotland and decides to stop in a little pub out in the middle of nowhere. There are only two other people in the bar, the bartender and an old man sitting at the counter nursing a beer. He take a seat at a stool a couple down from the old man and orders a pint. ...

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Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat...

... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office.

He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind...

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep.

The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may s...

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A man is in a bar, drinking a beer, when a crazy man taps him on the shoulder.

The man says, "Do you see this bar?? I built this bar with my own hands, but do they call me Bar-Builder McGreggor?? No."
Only a moment passes after the man has returned to his drink when he's tapped on the shoulder again. The crazy man says, "You see that pier out there?? I built that with my o...

Can anyone help me. I don't know where to park my boat and all the other captains are making fun of me.

im under alot of pier pressure!

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Ol' McGregor's sitting at a pub in Ireland...

A young boy walks in and grabs the stool next to him.
McGregor says, " You know lad, 50 years ago I built this bar top. I carried every piece of lumber in on me back, sanded em, an put em in place. My blood, sweat, and tears went into building this bar, and it still stands as strong as it ever d...

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A joke about Martin Luther King

Frank is on vacation in an oceanfront town, and lucks into a parking spot right near a pier. After taking in the view for a few minutes, he wanders into the small town and looks at the touristy shops. One antique shop catches his eye, so he walks in. Most of the stuff is pretty dusty and useless, bu...

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McGregor the ....

McGregor stood on the hill side talking to a village lad.

"You see that wall lad? Every stone and every brick put in there with these 2 hands."

"Do they call me McGregor The Wall builder?'

"No!"

"Look out to sea lad."

"See that pier? Every board and every nail laid...

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A man with many talents..

An American is backpacking through Scotland and finds a nice pub to enjoy a pint. Upon entering, the stranger finds only two men in the pub, a bartender and an older man nursing his drink. The backpacker takes a seat, orders a pint and begins to drink. After some time has passed, the only other cust...

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A college student does a semester abroad, and lands in the Shetland Islands...[this one benefits from a fine Scots brogue!]

He's doing some research into a certain strain of peat that grows up there in the harsh, cold Shetland climate, and he takes a plane to a boat to a small plane to a ferry, and arrives around midnight.

And nobody is there. Nobody at the ferry pier, nobody in the streets. He finds the address o...

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McMurphy

McMurphy goes into the bar after a long day of work. He runs his hand over the smooth surface of the counter and says to the bartender "I built this bar with me own two hands, but they don't call me 'McMurphy the Wood Worker'."
He takes a sip of his beer and motions grandly towards the walls ...

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