Pier Jokes - 94 Hilarious Pier Jokes

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly...

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What do pirates call a prostitute on a pier?

LAAAAAAAAAND HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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French fighter pilot.

A woman is working in the bar she owns when in walks a very handsome man. They get chatting and it turns out he is a frenchman named Piere. They get on very well. He tells her about his daring adventures as an ace fighter pilot. She is getting more and more turned on by him and, when she can stand i...

Dixon Hormuz and Rosie Highman watch the sunset every day at the lakeside pier by their nursing home….

Everyday for 10 years running they sit on a bench while Rosie reaches down into Dixon’s pants and loving holds his retired baby maker in her hands while they watch the beautiful sunset glistening off the still lake.

One day, Dixon doesn’t come to pick her up at dusk. She fears the worst and ...

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the d...

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One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church...

He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Gi...

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At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, Dock?

[Possibly not Recycled] A man stands at the edge of a pier...

...working up the nerve to throw himself into the water and end it all. A beat cop walking by sees him and lets out a loud tweet on his whistle.

"Hey buddy, what'dya think you're doing?"

"I've had it! I'm done with this life! I'm going to drown myself, here and now!"

"Now hold o...

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$1 joke from homeless man on Santa Monica pier- "What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek"

" Together We can stop this shit"

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

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A knock-knock joke I made up

'Knock knock'

'Who's there?'

'Piers Morgan'

'Piers Mo-...?'

'SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT YOU WANT ME TO RIDICULE SOMEONE WHO ISN'T AROUND TO DEFEND HIMSELF FOR YOUR OWN AMUSEMENT?'

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A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland...

A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland and he stops on a pub to get a drink. And the only people in there is a bartender and an old men nursing a beer. And he orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while. And suddenly the old man turns to him and goes: "You see this bar? I ...

A guy is walking along a pier.

A guy is walking along a pier and sees a lady in a wheelchair crying her eyes out. He asks her what's wrong and she says "im 30 years old, stuck in this chair and I've never been hugged in my life." He hugs her and goes on his way.

The next day he is out walking again and sees the same lady...

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

Why did the pressure cooker jump off the pier?

Peer pressure!

In the end I went to the port along with everyone else.

I gave in to pier pressure.

A very sick main walks onto a pier.

He slowly stumbles around and eventually makes his way to the end of the dock to a small shed.

He stands in front of it and knocks on the door. As soon as someone answers he whimpers, "Can anyone in the help me?"

An old sailor takes one look at him, and says "I think you're at the wro...

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A man taking a walk along a pier...

... suddenly hears this heartbreaking sobbing. He goes to investigate the noise and finds a woman in a wheelchair, without arms or legs, crying her eyes out.

He rushes over and kneels down besides her, asking her if she's ok, has she been abandoned here?

"Well," She answers, through he...

Hey dad, is that a wiener dog on that pier?

No, that’s a dock, son.

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Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post.

Presumably with the message ‘From one twat to another.

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A man takes a walk along an ocean pier....

Where he spots a quadriplegic woman in a wheelchair, crying. He asks her what's wrong, and she replies, "I'm 35 years old, and I've never been kissed before."

The man leans forward, and gently kisses the woman on the lips.

The woman cheers up a bit, and thoughtfully says "You know, I'...

A young woman in New York...

... was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to li...

One day a priest was walking on a pier when he noticed a guy in a boat fishing

He waves to the fisherman, and the fisherman asks him if he'd like to join him in the boat for a little angling. The priest enthusiastically agrees but explains that he's never fished before. The angler says he'll teach him.

On his first cast, the priest hauls in a really big fish. The fisher...

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I was walking along the pier with my toy poodle...

When suddenly, she jumped into the water. I panicked but before I could do anything, a German tourist had jumped in to save the poor dog. He swam over, scooped her up, climbed up the ladder and handed me the shivering poodle.

He said “here is ze dog, keep her warm, dry her off and she vill b...

I don’t know where to park my boat and everyone at the dock keeps staring at me.

I’m under…a lot of pier pressure.

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There was an armless and legless woman crying on a pier

There was an armless and legless woman crying on a pier. A man walks up to her asking if everything is alright. In between tears the woman explains that she has never been kissed in her life. The man says i can help you and kisses her on the lips. The woman stops crying and says she has also never ...

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An Irishman at the bar. Heavy NPR listeners might have heard this one.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see ...

A long time ago there was a fishing village...

In this fishing village, they worshipped the sea. They did everything on the ocean--they lived in huts on the beach or over the water, they were always fishing, cultivating, and harvesting from the ocean. They also had this custom where they would name their kids based off of how they interacted wit...

A man was arrested in Santa Monica

He claims he was pier pressured

There is a pier with two docks. An empty boat pulls up, which dock do the passengers unboard onto?

Well that's the thing, it's a paradox

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Went to the pier today and seen a lady with no arms and no legs propped up on a bench. She was crying her eyes out.

I walk up to her and said “What’s wrong?” She replies “I’ve never been hugged before.” I looked around and gave her a hug. The next day I encounter the same woman, crying again on the pier. I ask her again, “What’s wrong now?”She says” I’ve never been kissed before.” So I kissed her, but she start...

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

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A man is at the zoo...

... and comes to a silver back gorilla exhibit and he notices a sign. The sign states " Please do not tap the gorilla". He looks around and says fuck it and taps the gorilla.

The gorilla breaks out the cage violently and starts chasing the man. He realizes the bad choice that he made. He star...

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I was walking down the pier one day and saw a woman's dog fall into the water...

She started screaming in a panic as her dog couldn't swim very well and was starting to go under. Out of nowhere a little german man dived over the edge and dragged the dog out and started performing CPR on the dog. The dog came to and was fine, the woman says ''Oh my god, are you a little vet?'' th...

When your friend Matt, who you know doesn't like piers, gets too close to one.

Onomatopoeia

(For best experience, say in an English accent)

My neighbor got a boat, so I had to get one, too.

I couldn't resist the pier pressure.

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Best joke that I tell...got it from this sub over a year ago

A young American tourist just arrived in the Irish Countryside for vacation.

He steps into the nearest pub for a pint, and sits down near this old haggard man.

The old man looks over at the Tourist and says:

"Young man, do you see this Pub? I built this P...

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(Long) (Borrowed from Ron Swanson) McGregor walks into a bar...

McGregor walks into a bar and tells a man at the bar "I built this bar with my own hands. I cut the wood, laminated the planks, planed it down, and finished it. Do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No. Come outside with me." McGregor takes the man outside. He points to a stone wall and says, "I...

When I said "Why don't you take a long walk off a short pier," I didn't expect him to do it.

I wasn't being littoral.

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A traveler walks into a bar in a foreign land...

He started up a conversation with a bar owner, Greg for confidence. Eventually they were talking about his business.

Greg: you see this bar? It took years to build this bar, to find every perfect piece of brick, to hone it into a perfect bar. But do they call me Greg the bar builder? No.
...

What do you call a package of documents sent via boat?

Pier to pier file transfer!

Why was no one able to go to the dock anymore

It collapsed because of Pier pressure

A man once called a pier the ugliest eyesore he'd ever seen, but was then never seen again.

I guess you could say he diss-a-pier-ed.

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One day a woman is jogging in the park (NSFW)

As she runs past the pond she sees a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a wheelchair on the pier crying. Worried, she walks up to him and asks him what's wrong.

The man looks up at her sadly and says "It's because I've never been hugged." So the woman bends down, and gives him a giganti...

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Joke from a great book (Expeditionary Force #1)

So a man walks into a bar, and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:

"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the do...

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A man is drowning his sorrows at a bar.

Over his beer, he tells the bartender, "I built this bar, you know, and many other buildings over the years. But do they call me McGregor the builder? No, they do not.

Look outside. Do you see that road? I built that too, and many others over the years. Do they call me McGregor the road buil...

How did pirates communicate before the internet?

Pier to Pier Networking

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A very drunk man is in the pub complaining about his current reputation.

A man named Johnny is in the local pub one night and as usual, he is quite drunk. Although he is only talking directly to one of the locals, he is talking loud enough for everyone to hear. He says:

"You see the fucking wall out there, do ya? The fucking wall that fucking stretches from one en...

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

Stop me if you've heard this one

A person was fishing off of a pier and somehow dropped their wallet into the water. A fish came by and took the wallet in it's fish mouth. It was a carp. A larger fish came by and took the wallet out of the carp's fish mouth. It was also a carp. This was the first known instance of carp to carp wall...

Ukrainian Armed Force enters Crimea.

So ukrainian soldiers enter Crimea, all ruzzians and pro-ruzzian citizen decide to evacuate to ruzzia.
Kerch, pier, enormous ferry.
People and cars taking on it.
The captain stands aside and smoking pipe.
Petty officer asks: Sir, maybe it is enough, sir?
Captain: No. Not yet...

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The Fisherman and the Wheel Chair

Along the pier the fisherman dropped his line as he did every morning for the past 20 years. Today he saw a woman sitting in a wheelchair crying hysterically. He felt bad and went over and asked her, “Dear lady, what is the problem?” She replied, “Well, being in this wheelchair and all no man has ...

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No one ever fucks me

Billy has always wanted to go on a deep sea fishing trip but could never afford it. He saved all the spare money he could but still didnt have enough to pay for tge trip so he decides to just buy a 6 pack of Bud Light and fish off of the pier.

He gets out to the pier and notices a woman with ...

I recently bought a boat for a friend.

I was pier pressured.

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While Visiting Scotland I stop at a bar

While I was in Scotland I stop at the local pub and belly up next to an old drunk Scot nursing his drink.

After a few drink he says to me, "Ach, laddie, you see this bar? This bar right here?! I built this bar with mine own two hands and mine own aching back! But do they call me MacGr...

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A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the ...

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This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and order...

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A young man is backpacking through Ireland...

When he decides to go to a bar in a small town. He sits down next to a native just sipping on his drink.

The native stops and says to the young man in a thick Irish accent "You see this bar here!" He said as he slammed his hand on the bar. "I built this bar with my own two hands. Board by boa...

I, Mewlingquimlover was in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

I said, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."
"But do they call me Mewlingquimlover-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then I gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. D...

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Father and son from Utah, both avid fishermen, finally decide to visit the British Isles

So they have a beer in London, bag of crisps in Birmingham, they enjoy a slice of the famous Chevington cheese in Newcastle, and as they slowly traveled Northward, they both get the urge to go fishing in the famous Scottish Lochs.

And so it came to pass, that in Glasgow, they bought a o...

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What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

My wife called because the car wouldn't start.

She said it has water in the carburetor. Knowing my wife has no knowledge of anything mechanical I said, "and how do you know there's water in the the carburetor?"
She said, "because I drove off the pier and it's in the ocean. "

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Balls

A group of generals and an admiral are all fishing off a pier one crisp fall afternoon. They each have a personal aide* with them. The topic of which branch has the biggest balls comes up and the debate get's pretty heated.

The Navy admiral takes his hat* off and throws it into the lake. "Sea...

What causes some boats to become party boats?

Pier pressure

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A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland

A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland, when, as is the custom in such areas, an unexpected rainstorm came up. Seeking shelter, he found an old stone pub with a light on, and stumbled in through the front door. The pub was painfully small, with just a handful of stools, a bark...

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Have I ever told you of Seamus? Oh no...

One evening while I was vacationing in Scotland, I had decided to visit a pub near the piers. It was an older establishment, and all the more cozy for it.
As I sat there enjoying my drink at the bar, I noticed that a drunken fellow a few stools away from me would occasionally glance at me and gr...

My friends told me to jump under a dock

I was crushed and broke multiple bones.

Morale of the story, dont give in to pier pressure

The Dockmaster recently started smoking.

Gave into pier pressure.

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

If your boat gets sick, I know a great dock.

It's pier-reviewed.

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Poor McGregor can't catch a break

A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him
strikes up a conversation:

You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands.
But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-maker?' No.

...

The difference between Republicans and Democrats:

A Republican sees a man drowning 40 feet from a pier. He throws him a 20-foot rope and expects him to swim half way.
A Democrat sees a man drowning 40 feet from a pier. He throws him an 80-foot rope. And lets go of his end.

What do you call a dehydrated french man?

Pier (pronounced pee-air)

Went to the seaside and didn't want to go with my friends on this long wooden platform...

But in the end I bowed to pier pressure.

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Ol' McGregor's sitting at a pub in Ireland...

A young boy walks in and grabs the stool next to him.
McGregor says, " You know lad, 50 years ago I built this bar top. I carried every piece of lumber in on me back, sanded em, an put em in place. My blood, sweat, and tears went into building this bar, and it still stands as strong as it ever d...

A woman with no arms and no legs...

A man was walking down the beach on his first day of vacation. At the end of the beach was a pier, from which he heard crying.

Upon investigating, he discovered a sad woman with no arms and no legs was laying prostate at the end of the pier.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I have no...

How do you ensure a dock gets a fair trial?

Have it decided by a jury of his piers

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A Scotsman's Legacy

A young man is backpacking through Scotland and decides to stop in a little pub out in the middle of nowhere. There are only two other people in the bar, the bartender and an old man sitting at the counter nursing a beer. He take a seat at a stool a couple down from the old man and orders a pint. ...

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A guy walks into a bar in a small Scottish town...

He sees an old dude sitting by himself, grumbling over a glass of whiskey. There's no other free chairs, so he sits down across from the old man.

"What's got you so down, buddy?" the man asks the grumpy old Scotsman.

"You see that wall along the road coming into town? I built that wall...

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Two women go fishing together almost every day....

but only one of the women ever seems to catch any fish. Her friend tries to figure out her method for success but cannot. Some days she fishes off the left side of the pier, some days she fishes off the right side -- but there is no pattern. After many months she finally asks her friend, "What is yo...

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McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*

"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."

*the young man is uninterested*

*even l...

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Never been fucked

One day a guy is walking on the pier and sees a woman in a wheelchair crying. The man walks up to her to see if he can help.

"You see," the woman says through sobs, "I've been in a wheelchair since I was young and boys never paid me any attention. Can you believe I've never even been hugged b...

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A man is in a bar, drinking a beer, when a crazy man taps him on the shoulder.

The man says, "Do you see this bar?? I built this bar with my own hands, but do they call me Bar-Builder McGreggor?? No."
Only a moment passes after the man has returned to his drink when he's tapped on the shoulder again. The crazy man says, "You see that pier out there?? I built that with my o...

Why do they put protection buoys on boats during docking?

To protect it from pier pressure.

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Boyde the...

A young man walks into a bar in Scotland and orders a beer. He says, "Greetings from America!"... the bartendender gives him his beer and says, "Welcome, me names Boyde!"

After a few moments the young man realizes that the bar is AMAZING, hand built wood. He asks the bartender, "Did your fath...

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"You're a shit quay!" I shouted. Everyone looked at me like I was a weirdo, but I blame my girlfriend.

She was the one that told me to diss a pier.

Why didn't the man go under the boardwalk?

He doesn't like giving in to pier pressure.

I heard the boat lost at sea was the best boat around.

It had no piers.

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A sailor is discharged from the Navy...

...and he's so happy to see his girlfriend, and so horny, that he hustles her behind a building, lifts her skirt, and proceeds to give her a knee-trembler right there at the pier.

As they were driving home, the satisfied sailor says, "Wow, that was great. And I know you liked it too, I saw yo...

A young boat dock is caught smoking

A young boat dock is caught smoking by his mother. When his father gets home the parents stand over the little boat dock lecturing him on the dangers of smoking. "What do you have to say for yourself?" The little boat dock replies, "It was pier pressure."

Holiday trip to Alcatraz

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them...

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