Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.

He is approached by the ranger who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the d...

A guy is walking along a pier.

A guy is walking along a pier and sees a lady in a wheelchair crying her eyes out. He asks her what's wrong and she says "im 30 years old, stuck in this chair and I've never been hugged in my life." He hugs her and goes on his way.

The next day he is out walking again and sees the same lady...

Why did the kids jump off the pier?

Peer Pressure

What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, Dock?

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Went to the pier today and seen a lady with no arms and no legs propped up on a bench. She was crying her eyes out.

I walk up to her and said “What’s wrong?” She replies “I’ve never been hugged before.” I looked around and gave her a hug. The next day I encounter the same woman, crying again on the pier. I ask her again, “What’s wrong now?”She says” I’ve never been kissed before.” So I kissed her, but she start...

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A tourist is backpacking through the highland of Scotland (Taken from Andrew Stanton’s Ted talk)

A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only people in their is the bartender and an old man drinking a beer. He orders a pint and they sit in silence and drink for a while.

Suddenly the old man turns to him and says, “ye see this ...

what do you call it when a dock falls on you?

pier pressure

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly...

A very sick main walks onto a pier.

He slowly stumbles around and eventually makes his way to the end of the dock to a small shed.

He stands in front of it and knocks on the door. As soon as someone answers he whimpers, "Can anyone in the help me?"

An old sailor takes one look at him, and says "I think you're at the wro...

Hey dad, is that a wiener dog on that pier?

No, that’s a dock, son.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

There is a pier with two docks. An empty boat pulls up, which dock do the passengers unboard onto?

Well that's the thing, it's a paradox

I recently bought a boat for a friend.

I was pier pressured.

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Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post.

Presumably with the message ‘From one twat to another.

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An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

I get very tensed & nervous when I am at man-made structures adjacent to shores.

It must be 'pier pressure'.

They’re tearing down a pier near my house, but I don’t think that they should…

... I think they should just let pylons be pylons

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$1 joke from homeless man on Santa Monica pier- "What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek"

" Together We can stop this shit"

What do you call a package of documents sent via boat?

Pier to pier file transfer!

One day a priest was walking on a pier when he noticed a guy in a boat fishing

He waves to the fisherman, and the fisherman asks him if he'd like to join him in the boat for a little angling. The priest enthusiastically agrees but explains that he's never fished before. The angler says he'll teach him.

On his first cast, the priest hauls in a really big fish. The fisher...

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One day a priest leaves the church and decides to sit at a nearby pier and watch the fisherman...

While sitting, one of the fisherman invites the priest to join him. The priest agrees and they start fishing. After a few minutes the priest pulls up a huge fish. The priest, shocked, yells out, "Woah! Look at that son of a bitch!"

The priest looks at the fisherman and says, "Please mind your...

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One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church...

He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Gi...

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I was walking along the pier with my toy poodle...

When suddenly, she jumped into the water. I panicked but before I could do anything, a German tourist had jumped in to save the poor dog. He swam over, scooped her up, climbed up the ladder and handed me the shivering poodle.

He said “here is ze dog, keep her warm, dry her off and she vill b...

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A man taking a walk along a pier...

... suddenly hears this heartbreaking sobbing. He goes to investigate the noise and finds a woman in a wheelchair, without arms or legs, crying her eyes out.

He rushes over and kneels down besides her, asking her if she's ok, has she been abandoned here?

"Well," She answers, through he...

When your friend Matt, who you know doesn't like piers, gets too close to one.

Onomatopoeia

(For best experience, say in an English accent)

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I was walking down the pier one day and saw a woman's dog fall into the water...

She started screaming in a panic as her dog couldn't swim very well and was starting to go under. Out of nowhere a little german man dived over the edge and dragged the dog out and started performing CPR on the dog. The dog came to and was fine, the woman says ''Oh my god, are you a little vet?'' th...

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One day a woman is jogging in the park (NSFW)

As she runs past the pond she sees a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a wheelchair on the pier crying. Worried, she walks up to him and asks him what's wrong.

The man looks up at her sadly and says "It's because I've never been hugged." So the woman bends down, and gives him a giganti...

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There was an armless and legless woman crying on a pier

There was an armless and legless woman crying on a pier. A man walks up to her asking if everything is alright. In between tears the woman explains that she has never been kissed in her life. The man says i can help you and kisses her on the lips. The woman stops crying and says she has also never ...

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A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain.

He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down ever...

Why are the docks a bad place to grow up

Too much pier pressure

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A man takes a walk along an ocean pier....

Where he spots a quadriplegic woman in a wheelchair, crying. He asks her what's wrong, and she replies, "I'm 35 years old, and I've never been kissed before."

The man leans forward, and gently kisses the woman on the lips.

The woman cheers up a bit, and thoughtfully says "You know, I'...

When I said "Why don't you take a long walk off a short pier," I didn't expect him to do it.

I wasn't being littoral.

My wife called because the car wouldn't start.

She said it has water in the carburetor. Knowing my wife has no knowledge of anything mechanical I said, "and how do you know there's water in the the carburetor?"
She said, "because I drove off the pier and it's in the ocean. "

A man once called a pier the ugliest eyesore he'd ever seen, but was then never seen again.

I guess you could say he diss-a-pier-ed.

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A traveler walks into a bar in a foreign land...

He started up a conversation with a bar owner, Greg for confidence. Eventually they were talking about his business.

Greg: you see this bar? It took years to build this bar, to find every perfect piece of brick, to hone it into a perfect bar. But do they call me Greg the bar builder? No.
...

Shipping out soon!

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you'v...

My friends told me to jump under a dock

I was crushed and broke multiple bones.

Morale of the story, dont give in to pier pressure

The Cool Clam Club

Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club.


Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initia...

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

The Dockmaster recently started smoking.

Gave into pier pressure.

What causes some boats to become party boats?

Pier pressure

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A young man gets chatting to an old stranger at a bar. The old man strokes the bar and says, “I built this bar with my own hands”.

“I took the oak, I laminated it, turned it into planks, sanded it down and finished it. Am I known as “The old man who builds bars”? No.”

The old man stands up, “Come outside, young man.”
“Look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, stacked them up, and ...

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Best joke that I tell...got it from this sub over a year ago

A young American tourist just arrived in the Irish Countryside for vacation.



He steps into the nearest pub for a pint, and sits down near this old haggard man.



The old man looks over at the Tourist and says:



"Young man, do you see this Pub? I built this P...

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A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the ...

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A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

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No one ever fucks me

Billy has always wanted to go on a deep sea fishing trip but could never afford it. He saved all the spare money he could but still didnt have enough to pay for tge trip so he decides to just buy a 6 pack of Bud Light and fish off of the pier.

He gets out to the pier and notices a woman with ...

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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

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A man is at the zoo...

... and comes to a silver back gorilla exhibit and he notices a sign. The sign states " Please do not tap the gorilla". He looks around and says fuck it and taps the gorilla.

The gorilla breaks out the cage violently and starts chasing the man. He realizes the bad choice that he made. He star...

If your boat gets sick, I know a great dock.

It's pier-reviewed.

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A man is drowning his sorrows at a bar.

Over his beer, he tells the bartender, "I built this bar, you know, and many other buildings over the years. But do they call me McGregor the builder? No, they do not.

Look outside. Do you see that road? I built that too, and many others over the years. Do they call me McGregor the road buil...

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

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This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..." He gulps down the whiskey and orders anoth...

What do you call a dehydrated french man?

Pier (pronounced pee-air)

Went to the seaside and didn't want to go with my friends on this long wooden platform...

But in the end I bowed to pier pressure.

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A man walks into a bar and sees an old man sitting by himself

He sits next to the man, who obviously already had a few and starts a conversation. The old man tells him:
"You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock builder"? No! And you see that bridge over ther...

How do you ensure a dock gets a fair trial?

Have it decided by a jury of his piers

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Three guys were talking to each other in a bar

Three guys were talking to each other in a bar "Hey guys I think I might have the smallest arms" says one. "I think I have the smallest head" says another. "I got you both beat I think I have the smallest penis" said the third. "Lets see if we can get in the Guinness book of world records" says the ...

How did pirates communicate before the internet?

Pier to Pier Networking

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The Goat

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. 

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-...

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Balls

A group of generals and an admiral are all fishing off a pier one crisp fall afternoon. They each have a personal aide* with them. The topic of which branch has the biggest balls comes up and the debate get's pretty heated.

The Navy admiral takes his hat* off and throws it into the lake. "Sea...

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While Visiting Scotland I stop at a bar

While I was in Scotland I stop at the local pub and belly up next to an old drunk Scot nursing his drink.



After a few drink he says to me, "Ach, laddie, you see this bar? This bar right here?! I built this bar with mine own two hands and mine own aching back! But do they call me MacGr...

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A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland

A college kid was hitchhiking through the hills of Scotland, when, as is the custom in such areas, an unexpected rainstorm came up. Seeking shelter, he found an old stone pub with a light on, and stumbled in through the front door. The pub was painfully small, with just a handful of stools, a bark...

An English sailor is swept overboard and ends upon alone on an island

In a terrible storm in the south seas, an English sailor is swept overboard. Somehow he manages to find enough wood to cling to, survives the storm, and eventually washes up on an island.


After giving up on any hope of a quick rescue, he realizes he must make do. As an member of the R...

Did you hear about the study done about boat docks?

It was pier-reviewed research!

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A guy walks into a bar in a small Scottish town...

He sees an old dude sitting by himself, grumbling over a glass of whiskey. There's no other free chairs, so he sits down across from the old man.

"What's got you so down, buddy?" the man asks the grumpy old Scotsman.

"You see that wall along the road coming into town? I built that wall...

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Have I ever told you of Seamus? Oh no...

One evening while I was vacationing in Scotland, I had decided to visit a pub near the piers. It was an older establishment, and all the more cozy for it.
As I sat there enjoying my drink at the bar, I noticed that a drunken fellow a few stools away from me would occasionally glance at me and gr...

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Never been fucked

One day a guy is walking on the pier and sees a woman in a wheelchair crying. The man walks up to her to see if he can help.

"You see," the woman says through sobs, "I've been in a wheelchair since I was young and boys never paid me any attention. Can you believe I've never even been hugged b...

Wish

Translated from my language, might contain mistakes, I apologize in advance.


Guy was walking on the beach and saw an Aladdin Lamp buried in the sand. He grabbed it, rubbed it till it got clean and genie came out and told him:

-You have freed me from the lamp, I can make one wish c...

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There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.

On one Satu...

The greatest harbor on Earth can shelter not a single ship...

It is truly without pier.

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A Limbless Girl

One day a boy was walking out on his favourite pier at the beach to enjoy the view. As he came closer to the end, he noticed a girl with no limbs sitting on a bench crying.

The boy asked, “why are you crying?”

The girls responded, “no one has ever given me a hug before.”

So the...

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McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*

"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."

*the young man is uninterested*

*even l...

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A sailor is discharged from the Navy...

...and he's so happy to see his girlfriend, and so horny, that he hustles her behind a building, lifts her skirt, and proceeds to give her a knee-trembler right there at the pier.

As they were driving home, the satisfied sailor says, "Wow, that was great. And I know you liked it too, I saw yo...

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A very drunk man is in the pub complaining about his current reputation.

A man named Johnny is in the local pub one night and as usual, he is quite drunk. Although he is only talking directly to one of the locals, he is talking loud enough for everyone to hear. He says:

"You see the fucking wall out there, do ya? The fucking wall that fucking stretches from one en...

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Someone asked me today if I'd ever had a cockring.

I said that yes, Piers Morgan had phoned me once.

Why do they put protection buoys on boats during docking?

To protect it from pier pressure.

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Boyde the...

A young man walks into a bar in Scotland and orders a beer. He says, "Greetings from America!"... the bartendender gives him his beer and says, "Welcome, me names Boyde!"

After a few moments the young man realizes that the bar is AMAZING, hand built wood. He asks the bartender, "Did your fath...

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A young man is backpacking through Ireland...

When he decides to go to a bar in a small town. He sits down next to a native just sipping on his drink.

The native stops and says to the young man in a thick Irish accent "You see this bar here!" He said as he slammed his hand on the bar. "I built this bar with my own two hands. Board by boa...

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"You're a shit quay!" I shouted. Everyone looked at me like I was a weirdo, but I blame my girlfriend.

She was the one that told me to diss a pier.

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Old McMurty

A man walks into a lonely Scottish pub and finds it empty except for a sour old man behind the bar. The old Scot behind the bar scowls and pours the man a glass of whisky before he gets a chance to order anything else.

"I've kept this bar for over 20 years now, an' do they call me McMurty th...

The difference between Republicans and Democrats:

A Republican sees a man drowning 40 feet from a pier. He throws him a 20-foot rope and expects him to swim half way.
A Democrat sees a man drowning 40 feet from a pier. He throws him an 80-foot rope. And lets go of his end.

Why didn't the man go under the boardwalk?

He doesn't like giving in to pier pressure.

A man and a woman go scuba diving for their honeymoon.....

... and they are having the absolute time of their life. The fish, the coral- it's all just wonderful. But then, out of nowhere, they hear a great rumbling, look behind them, and see a cruise ship headed straight for them!

They separate, one to each side of the massive ship. When the ship pas...

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Fisherman's Joke

A man and a woman are on their honeymoon at a nice resort for a 3 day stay. The resort manager notices the man leave in the morning on the first day and spent the day fishing. He does this for 2 more days, so the manager decides to approach the man and ask "Why aren't you in there having sex with yo...

I heard the boat lost at sea was the best boat around.

It had no piers.

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A Scotsman's Legacy

A young man is backpacking through Scotland and decides to stop in a little pub out in the middle of nowhere. There are only two other people in the bar, the bartender and an old man sitting at the counter nursing a beer. He take a seat at a stool a couple down from the old man and orders a pint. ...

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Poor McGregor can't catch a break

A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him
strikes up a conversation:

You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands.
But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-maker?' No.

...

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep.

The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may s...

Can anyone help me. I don't know where to park my boat and all the other captains are making fun of me.

im under alot of pier pressure!

Two guys are stranded on island after being shipwrecked.

A: Is that... a toy boat you have there?

B: Salvaged it from the wreck to keep myself occupied before I die.

A: RC?

B: Yep.

A: Wow. And hey, wait a minute. Our ship was carrying red and blue paint, right?

B: No.

A: I guess we're *marooned.*

B: Dude....

A young boat dock is caught smoking

A young boat dock is caught smoking by his mother. When his father gets home the parents stand over the little boat dock lecturing him on the dangers of smoking. "What do you have to say for yourself?" The little boat dock replies, "It was pier pressure."

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Guy goes into an old Chinese Curiosity Shop in New York. Looking at all the strange, and unique items, he spots a large stuffed rat...

... It being very large and strange, the gentleman decides that it would be a great conversation starter for his office.

He approaches the old Chinese man behind the counter and pays for the large stuffed rat, but as he is leaving he swears he can hear the old Chinese man cackling behind...

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A man is in a bar, drinking a beer, when a crazy man taps him on the shoulder.

The man says, "Do you see this bar?? I built this bar with my own hands, but do they call me Bar-Builder McGreggor?? No."
Only a moment passes after the man has returned to his drink when he's tapped on the shoulder again. The crazy man says, "You see that pier out there?? I built that with my o...

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A joke about Martin Luther King

Frank is on vacation in an oceanfront town, and lucks into a parking spot right near a pier. After taking in the view for a few minutes, he wanders into the small town and looks at the touristy shops. One antique shop catches his eye, so he walks in. Most of the stuff is pretty dusty and useless, bu...

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