Jupiter Jokes - 33 Hilarious Jupiter Jokes

Jupiter has a total of 64 moons.

Their werewolf problem must be enormous.

Jupiter, Saturn, and Pluto walk into a bar.

After sitting down, Jupiter says: "I'm the biggest planet, give me the biggest beer you have."

Saturn says: "I'm the best looking planet, give me the fanciest drink you have."

Pluto says: "I know I'm not a planet, but give me a shot."

Earth, Venus, Mars, and Jupiter were going to setup a party

But they failed because nobody knew how to planet

Jupiter heard from Neptune that Pluto was pregnant.

Jupiter said to Pluto "Congratulations! I was surprised to hear that you're expecting!"

To which Pluto replied "Thanks. Yeah, I definitely didn't planet!"

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What the the planet Jupiter say to Neptune?

I can see Uranus from here.

Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match?

He took asteroids.

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What’s the difference between Earth and Jupiter?

Your mom’s mass.

You remind me of Jupiter

Equally big, and eats everything.

Juno and Jupiter Sitting in Space

Jupiter's moons were named after the Roman god's mistresses and this week NASA sent a spacecraft named after his wife, Juno, to observe the planet. If they find evidence that Jupiter has been unfaithful, the next thing NASA will be sending is a Death Star.

My wife went to Jupiter and found pictures of me and a mistress.

She was crushed. My mistress asked what the big deal was... she didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

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Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider,

Girls go to venus to get more penis

If boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider...

and girls go to college to get more knowledge... does that mean that ladies go to hades when they have babies?... this would explain a lot about pregnancy

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When we were kids, girls would say "boys to go Jupiter to get more stupider"

Little did they know, the girls would go to Mars to grow up to become Instagram pornstars.

What do they call confectioner's sugar on the moons of Jupiter?

Io cane powder

An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter. When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:

"Gastronomical."

China, Russia, and Poland venture to space.

China says they'll go to Pluto because it's the farthest.

Russia says they'll go to Jupiter because it's the biggest.

Poland says they'll go to the Sun. Russia and China warn that they'll melt. They reply, "We'll go at night."

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

One day the Roman god Jupiter received a forwarded email from Zeus.

“I wouldn’t open the attachment,” warned Jupiter’s son, Mercury. “Beware of Greeks bearing gifs.”

The entire crew of the first manned mission to Jupiter died upon reaching the planet...

I guess nobody quite understood the gravity of the situation.

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What made Jupiter’s surprise party go off with out a hitch?

Mars, Uranus, and Venus really knew how to planet.

Which of Jupiter's moons is the best according to the Seven Dwarves?

Io, Io...

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God's Vacation

God decides he'd like to take a vacation. So he goes to St. Peter at the pearly gates and asks,

"Pete, I need a vacation, being God is fucking stressful. Where should I go?"

St. Peter says, "well Pluto has good skiing."

God shakes his head fervently and replies, "no way, I brok...

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What’s the difference between an asteroid and a hemorrhoid?

Asteroids come from the asteroid belt between Jupiter and Mars.

Hemorrhoids come from somewhere near Uranus.

I always tell my kids to stay well clear of any Train tracks...

...except "Drops of Jupiter". That one's ok.

Ganymede left Jupiter and flew out of the solar system last week

I saw it today in the orbituaries.

A rich man was strolling along a riverside with his 6 year old daughter and they came to a bridge...

On the bridge there was a hobo sitting and shaking his cup. As they were walking past, the rich man wasn't keeping an eye on his daughter, who was playing with the bars of the railing and she slipped through and fell in. Not knowing how to swim himself, the man shouted for help. Without saying a wor...

Two boxers light up a blunt

After a couple hours, both of them are pretty damn high, they start telling each other stories. One of them says, "Oh man, the other day I went on the craziest date with my wife. I got home after practice and told her to get ready. A couple minutes later we head out into that beautiful forest next t...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

A man walks into a Coffee Shop

And orders an espresso. While drinking it, a massively scarred Norwegian dude stumbles in the bar.
"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his espresso.
"There's a Chupacabra 10km east from here." The Norwegian dude rasps before dying.
So the Man gets on his tricycle and travels 10km east...

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"Dad, why are there no jews on jupiter?"

"Because its a gas planet son"

I saw Venus AND Jupiter this morning!

So glad the strip club is open early.

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Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"

"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.

"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.

"Well," says Watson. "It ...

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Where do Jews really come from?

They came from Jupiter.

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