UPJOKE
stallionfillyracehorsehorsesirefoalrivetdotmacho-manhe-manconstellatestud pokermanpokerhorseman

Funny when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud...

But when a girl sleeps with a tons of guys, somehow I am not one of them

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

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An infamous stud with a long list of conquests...

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop...

I heard you’re looking for a STUD

I got the STD, I just need U

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Help Wanted;

A lumber mill posts a assist wanted ad for a lumber inspector and receives only one application. When they call the prospective employee in for an interview they realize he is an elderly man who is very clearly blind. The manager is skeptical that a blind man could be a lumber inspector, but after s...

How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud?

By choosing the one that’s the best bang for the buck.

Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick?

Goth Brooks

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I went to Lowe’s after work to pick up a stud finder so I could wall mount a TV in the basement...

I get home and tell my wife that I think it’s broken because it’s been going off since the second I bought it.

She’s all confused and asks, “Why did you buy a broken one?”

Then I take the stud finder, wipe it across my chest and go, “Beep beep beep...I don’t know what’s wrong with th...

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A man has sex with one hundred women and he's a stud.

A woman has sex with one stud and it's bestiality.

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hu...

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

My kids got me a stud finder for Christmas

When I held it up to myself, nothing happened. But it did find the naked man in my wife's closet.

The word “studying” comes from the words

Students Dying

Held a stud finder to my chest to show the wife how well it works.

She was convinced. Not a peep out of it.

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A guy arrives in hell and crawls terrified at the feet of Satan.

Satan pets him and says in a soothing voice:

"Why, my good man, why are you so sad?"

The man explains that he is afraid of the torment that awaits him. The Devil then points to a nearby door.

"You see that door over there? Behind that door are as many luscious and horny women as...

Have you heard about the studs in America?

They're big supporters of the wall.

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

When a guy sleeps with a lot of women, he is called a stud...

But when a woman does... she is your mother.

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

This is not a joke, I think. But it's funny (I think)

Forget about "meeting singles in my area"

I just got an Ad from Google selling me a "short girth belly guard". The device is made in black leather with chrome studs. Looks like a BDSM thing. I clicked on the ad out of curiosity and it turns out it's for horses, from an Italian company special...

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to be reincarnated as a stud?

He woke up on a snow tire in Michigan.

I was such a stud that I lasted 1 hour and 5 seconds in bed

Thanks Day light saving

Why are pharmaceutical chemists considered such studs?

They're able to make a fun-gal cream.

A college stud could get with any women he wanted.

Luke was pretty much perfect: star on the football team, top of his class, president multiple clubs, and was hot af. I mean, this guy has slept with hundreds of different girls, even his teachers. However, near his college career, he wants to settle down. He asks one of his best friends, Tracy, i...

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

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An older man with a younger wife, visits his therapist.

"Doc," he says, "It seems that no matter what I do, I can't seem to give my wife real satisfaction when we make love."


"Well," the therapist says, "She is entitled to satisfaction just as you are. So try this: Hire a strapping young man and the next time you and your wife make love, hav...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

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Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives...

Fourteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never v...

Did I tell you about the time I met Beyonce?

It wasn't an official meeting. We aren't friends. But I was at the concert venue for work and she was performing that night. She must have been there for a sound check or something. I didn't even really know it was her at first. She came up to me and asked if I had seen her phone. It was gold and st...

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The Farmer and the Rooster LONG

A farmer has over 100 hens on his land, but not one rooster. He sees an ad in the local paper for "Stud Rooster, $50. Guaranteed or your money back", so he sends in the money. Two days later the crate arrives, and inside is the scrawniest rooster the farmer has ever seen.

The rooster looks...

A farmer bought a rooster to service his hens.

So, this farmer went out and bought a new rooster as a stud rooster. Every day, the farmer watched the rooster go service all the hens, then the rooster would start in on the pigs, the sheep, the cows, it would mate with them all. The farmer always shook his head and said, "One of these days.. one o...

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There's this farmer, and he has this pig...

A prize winning sow, and he wants to breed her. His neighbor tells the farmer he has a stud pig, he'd be happy to accommodate. Guaranteed impregnation, the neighbor assures him. The farmer agrees.

The next morning the farmer loads the pig into his truck, drives her up the road to the neighbor...

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The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

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A pimp is breaking in his new bitch.

Pimp: Listen. If you wanna be my woman, your gonna have to make me some money.

Hoe: But I've never done anything like this before.

Pimp: Don't worry. You go and put on your sexiest dress and stand under that lamppost. I'll be back here. Any problems. Just come back and tell me, and and...

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

So these two ladies die

and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the...

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

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A joke I thought of today

If a guy goes to lunch with a girl, he’s a boyfriend


If a guy goes to lunch with two girls, he’s a stud.


If a guy goes to lunch with three girls, he’s gay.

What do you call a group of cool trees trying to get an education?

Stud Ents

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Fred & the nun

Fred, the local stud, walks into the barber shop, and there he sees a beautiful nun in one of the chairs.

"My god, how I'd like to have sex with her" he tells Joe the barber "but nuns are the only women I can't get"

"Well," says Joe the barber, "She will do anything for God. Every day ...

My favorite pick up line

With you I feel like a stud, I was just an STD before

My wife went away for the weekend

So I did what any handsome stud would do. I went to the pub/bar. I proceeded to go from barstool to barstool trying to get lucky. But, you know what? I didn’t find any gum underneath any of them.

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When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

Hey, are you the top of a Lego brick?

Because you're a stud.

The Bus Conductor

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him...

The plan...

A middle aged woman has been conducting a long term affair with her lover for years. Her husband never knows because she tells him that she goes upstate one weekend a month to visit her elderly great aunt and take care of her. The husband wants nothing to do with such business and leaves her to it. ...

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Women are the victim of so many double standards...

If a man fucks a lot of women, he's celebrated and called a stud and player. But if a woman fucks a lot of men, she's called your mom.

During a dance at the retirement home...

The local retirement home decided to have a dance for the residents, a sort of a prom. So all the men and women dressed in their best and gathered in the common area.

During the evening, Elmer, an 85 year old stud, spies Mabel, a 68 year old beauty he begins to flirt, and soon asks her back...

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A woman is at the checkout line in the grocery store...

And notices the bag boy is a real stud. Thick muscles under his smock, but his gorgeous blue eyes looked bored above his chiseled jaw. She slyly undid her top button to show some cleavage, but he never looked her way. Finally she purrs out a request for him to carry the bags to her car.
As they...

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A sexy girl with no arms and no legs goes to the pool...

She was laying on her towel getting a tan when a stud of a lifeguard walks by, they immediately catch each other's attention...

The girl says to the lifeguard, "I've never been hugged by a guy like you before..."

The lifeguard then picks her up and hugs her.

Then the y...

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What do you call a bareback male pornstar?

STuD

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Sterotype hot horny blonde goes to a bar

She was like having no sex for month and she just urged for a huge cock. So the girl walks up to some black stud that looks just well equiped enough for her needs and starts to flirt. One things come to another and 30 minutes later they're walking down the road to her place. In lustful anticipation ...

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

Greatest pickup line that never works!!

I put the STD in stud, now all I need is U.

Batman walks into a bar with a pig...

It was a hot summers day and the barman thinks it's a strange sight, not to just see Batman, but to see him with a pig that has jet black hair, black eye shadow and studded bracelets.
The barman says "Is there anything I can get you Batman?"
He replies "Just-ice for goth-ham"

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You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

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[NSFW] Father, to friend at work..

Father, to friend at work: "I'm really bummed out -- I just found out my 14-year old son has been fucking his teacher."

Friend: Bummed our? You should be proud of the little stud!

Father: Nah, he's being home-schooled.

There were two sisters...

Once upon a time, in the wild, wild West there were two sisters, Jill and Susie. A relative of theirs dies and leaves the two sisters a ranch. The ranch was run down and they had little else to their name besides the ranch so they thought they'd invest what they had left into a stud bull to mate ...

[Long] A guy wanted to lose weight

There's a guy. We'll call him Bob. Bob is a fat slob, but one day decides that he's going to turn things around and start getting in shape. So he sees an ad for a new workout program, and calls the number. The operator agrees to start him off with a one-month trial of their lowest level program,...

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Gerrard and the nudist beach

Gerrard, a young Parisian stud, books himself a couple of weeks at a coastal nudist colony to work on the tan (and the ladies) but on his first day he realises his member looks like a milk bottle compared to the rest of his tanned, toned body - he doesn't believe in sunbeds and you can't exactly bat...

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A cougar is at the grocery store.

She fills her cart with all the items on her list and gets to the cashier. While her groceries were being rung up, she happened to glance over and notice the young strapping 17-year old high school boy carry out that was bagging her groceries. She was quite taken by his good looks and build so she t...

Two priests die at the same time

and meet St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you
guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to
go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back
as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an
eagle, soaring...

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A Guy/Gal walks into a bar with an Ostrich/Race-horse

A good-looking young man (or woman) and an ostrich (or racehorse) walk into a bar. The two sit down, order some nachos and wind up drinking a few beers by the end of the night. When it comes time to pay the tab, the (wo)man reaches into his/her pocket and dumps a slightly-crumpled mess of bills and ...

We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store

I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound.

I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.

She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a pedo-meter."

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