UPJOKE
stallionfillyracehorsehorsesirefoalrivetdotscantlingstudhorsemacho-manhe-manconstellatestud pokerman

Stud Jokes

How does Santa choose which female reindeer to breed with his prized stud?

By choosing the one that’s the best bang for the buck.

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud..

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has sex with one hundred women and he's a stud.

A woman has sex with one stud and it's bestiality.

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to be reincarnated as a stud?

He woke up on a snow tire in Michigan.

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

What's the difference between a stud animal and a Nigerian prince?

One rides a bunch of females, the other writes a bunch of emails

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests...

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop...

I heard you were looking for a stud?

I’ve got the STD, all I need is u

What did the lady carpenter say to the stud finder?

Wood. I want nothing but wood.

Have you heard about the studs in America?

They're big supporters of the wall.

Have you heard about the new trend? People are putting baked goods on their ear studs

Its pie-on-earring fashion

Who wears a cowboy hat, black leather jacket with studs, cowboy boots, a big silver belt buckle, and black lipstick?

Goth Brooks

My kids got me a stud finder for Christmas

When I held it up to myself, nothing happened. But it did find the naked man in my wife's closet.

Why are pharmaceutical chemists considered such studs?

They're able to make a fun-gal cream.

Held a stud finder to my chest to show the wife how well it works.

She was convinced. Not a peep out of it.

Two men die and go to heaven, St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates

"Gentlemen," he says, "I'm very sorry, but your condos aren't ready yet, so I can send you back to Earth for a few days in whatever form you wish."

"Well," the first man says, "I always thought I'd like to be an eagle soaring majestically over the Grand Canyon."

"And I'd like to be a r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to Lowe’s after work to pick up a stud finder so I could wall mount a TV in the basement...

I get home and tell my wife that I think it’s broken because it’s been going off since the second I bought it.

She’s all confused and asks, “Why did you buy a broken one?”

Then I take the stud finder, wipe it across my chest and go, “Beep beep beep...I don’t know what’s wrong with th...

I was such a stud that I lasted 1 hour and 5 seconds in bed

Thanks Day light saving

A wealthy man walks into a bar...

*I've seen a joke here about a man with* ***a head the size of an orange*** *which is an absurdist response to an old dirty joke. I'm not sure everyone knows the original. I'll put the anti-joke version in the comments.*

\--------------

A wealthy man walks into a bar. He is clearly ric...

When a guy sleeps with a lot of women, he is called a stud...

But when a woman does... she is your mother.

A college stud could get with any women he wanted.

Luke was pretty much perfect: star on the football team, top of his class, president multiple clubs, and was hot af. I mean, this guy has slept with hundreds of different girls, even his teachers. However, near his college career, he wants to settle down. He asks one of his best friends, Tracy, i...

Why are the most attractive males in the anthill also very learned?

Because they're stud-ants!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives...

Fourteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

4. Dogs' parents never v...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pimp is breaking in his new bitch.

Pimp: Listen. If you wanna be my woman, your gonna have to make me some money.

Hoe: But I've never done anything like this before.

Pimp: Don't worry. You go and put on your sexiest dress and stand under that lamppost. I'll be back here. Any problems. Just come back and tell me, and and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the woman try to have sex with a house?

She heard there were studs in the wall.

My wife shot me with the nail gun today...

She must think I’m a stud!

Did you hear that Shirley MacLaine once let Robert Redford rip off all her clothes?

Well, it was unavoidable; try to put a left-handed nut together with a right-handed stud and at least one of them is going to end up stripped.

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Imam, Rabbi and Priest die in plane crash.

When they each meet their God, it is explained to them that this was a big mistake. Each one is given the opportunity to return to Earth in whatever form they choose.

The Imam says: "I've always greatly admired the Eagle, soaring so effortlessly on the wind. Poof! He is an Eagle riding therma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this farmer, and he has this pig...

A prize winning sow, and he wants to breed her. His neighbor tells the farmer he has a stud pig, he'd be happy to accommodate. Guaranteed impregnation, the neighbor assures him. The farmer agrees.

The next morning the farmer loads the pig into his truck, drives her up the road to the neighbor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy arrives in hell and crawls terrified at the feet of Satan.

Satan pets him and says in a soothing voice:

"Why, my good man, why are you so sad?"

The man explains that he is afraid of the torment that awaits him. The Devil then points to a nearby door.

"You see that door over there? Behind that door are as many luscious and horny women as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

Every time I walk down the gadget aisle at my local home improvement store,

The stud finders go berserk.

This is not a joke, I think. But it's funny (I think)

Forget about "meeting singles in my area"

I just got an Ad from Google selling me a "short girth belly guard". The device is made in black leather with chrome studs. Looks like a BDSM thing. I clicked on the ad out of curiosity and it turns out it's for horses, from an Italian company special...

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I thought of today

If a guy goes to lunch with a girl, he’s a boyfriend


If a guy goes to lunch with two girls, he’s a stud.


If a guy goes to lunch with three girls, he’s gay.

So these two ladies die

and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the...

My wife went away for the weekend

So I did what any handsome stud would do. I went to the pub/bar. I proceeded to go from barstool to barstool trying to get lucky. But, you know what? I didn’t find any gum underneath any of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fred & the nun

Fred, the local stud, walks into the barber shop, and there he sees a beautiful nun in one of the chairs.

"My god, how I'd like to have sex with her" he tells Joe the barber "but nuns are the only women I can't get"

"Well," says Joe the barber, "She will do anything for God. Every day ...

What do you call a handsome tramp who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

Hey, are you the top of a Lego brick?

Because you're a stud.

My favorite pick up line

With you I feel like a stud, I was just an STD before

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women are the victim of so many double standards...

If a man fucks a lot of women, he's celebrated and called a stud and player. But if a woman fucks a lot of men, she's called your mom.

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older man with a younger wife, visits his therapist.

"Doc," he says, "It seems that no matter what I do, I can't seem to give my wife real satisfaction when we make love."


"Well," the therapist says, "She is entitled to satisfaction just as you are. So try this: Hire a strapping young man and the next time you and your wife make love, hav...

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

Hobby farm (long)

A city couple, Jim and Fiona bought a small farm to retire on, complete with four cows, but no bull. They wanted the cows to have calves, but couldn’t justify the expense of buying a bull when they only had four cows. As luck would have it, the farmer down the road ran a stud and had prize bulls. Ji...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Father, to friend at work..

Father, to friend at work: "I'm really bummed out -- I just found out my 14-year old son has been fucking his teacher."

Friend: Bummed our? You should be proud of the little stud!

Father: Nah, he's being home-schooled.

Did I tell you about the time I met Beyonce?

It wasn't an official meeting. We aren't friends. But I was at the concert venue for work and she was performing that night. She must have been there for a sound check or something. I didn't even really know it was her at first. She came up to me and asked if I had seen her phone. It was gold and st...

Batman walks into a bar with a pig...

It was a hot summers day and the barman thinks it's a strange sight, not to just see Batman, but to see him with a pig that has jet black hair, black eye shadow and studded bracelets.
The barman says "Is there anything I can get you Batman?"
He replies "Just-ice for goth-ham"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.