UPJOKE
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My dauther wants a pony for christmas.

Well, usually we have duck for dinner, but this will be something new!

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A pony walks into a bar.

"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

"I'll have one whiskey, please." the pony whispered softly.

The bartender says, "Sure, but why are you speaking so quietly?"


"I'm a little hoarse."

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What do you call a pony with a cough?

A little hoarse.

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wr...

A man sees the doctor with a pony in his hands.

"Hey doc, I'm feeling a little horse today...."

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A dwarf pony with laryngitis trots into a bar

and mumbles something to the bartender.

"What? Speak up, I can't hear you." she says.

The pony leans in closer and says "Sorry, I'm a little hoarse."

A man rides a pony into a bar

A man charges through the front door of his local saloon, perched on the back of a pony. He rushes to the bar and says “Bartender, I need a hot tea, as quick as you can!”

The bartender, taken aback, says “Sir! You can’t ride that thing in here! And why do you so desperately need a hot tea?!”<...

What did the talking pony who had laryngitis and didn't understand humor say to the doctor?

I'm having a hard time speaking clearly.

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

A pony goes into a bar, and the bar tender asks him “why the long face?”

I didn’t make it into the men’s choir.

Well, you are a little horse.

Cough, Rough, Though, Through.

Why don't these words rhyme, yet pony and bologna do?

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A pony came by my house for a glass of water today

It was a little hoarse.

A bear and a pony walked onto the stage at a convention...

And the pony went up to the microphone and said, "Bear with me, I'm a little horse."

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Guys, did you know that I have a shetland pony who can sing?! I was going to record and share a video the other day but...

...he was a little hoarse.

A Pony in Striped Pyjama

A zebra lived her whole life in a zoo but was getting on in age, so the zoo decided to let her spend her final years on a farm. The zebra was excited to see a huge pasture with green grass and hills and many strange animals.


She went up to a fat brown thing and said, "I'm a zebra, what ar...

My daughter wants a pony for Christmas

I think a traditional turkey would taste better but it's her choice.

What do you get when you mix human DNA with pony DNA?

Apparently you get kicked out of the petting zoo.

I’ve spent the past few days pretending to be a Shetland pony, but I think I’m losing my voice.

I’m currently a little horse.

Did you know Helen Keller had a pony?

Neither did she.

I listened to a cover of "Pony" the other day.

It was good and all, but it just wasn't Genuwine.

"Oh no, the rubber ripped!"

\- Alissa (21 y.o.) panics and runs into bathroom

\- Alfred (24) needs new tires

\-Lara (27) now has no pony-tail

\- Ben (28) holds his mask to his face

\-David (29) watches his friend during bungee-jump

Pony and Eagle walked up to Coyote

Pony tells Coyote: "I am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell at him for me?"

Coyote: "Why can't you yell at him yourself?"

Pony replies: "Because I'm a little horse."

There isn't much difference between a game console and a horsemeat packing plant

One is a Sony Playstation, the other a Pony Slaystation.

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I named my penis pony...

..because it's the smaller version of what you really wanted and you only get a ride if you're under 12.

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A pony walks into a bar

The bartender looks up and says "hey buddy, why the long face?"

The pony looks up, blinking through tears and sort of whispers/croaks "my wife left me."

The bartender has a difficult time understanding the pony, who has obviously lost his voice, probably from crying so much and asks th...

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

A pony walks into a bar

Says to the bartender “Let me get one Apple martini”

bartender leans in closer and says “what?”

Pony says “one. Apple martini, please”.

Bartender asks, “something about a Bikini?”

Pony starts to get a little frustrated but manages to say a little louder now “ONE APPLE...

I bought a My Little Pony T-shirt the other day.

Because sometimes I just don't want anyone to approach me for any reason at all.

Little Susie spent the summer holidays on a pony farm in the Cotswolds

Back home, she asked,

"We all live together just like the animals, don't we, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"So I'm just like a little foal?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"And you, Mummy, you're practically the beautiful mare?"

...

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"...there must be a pony somewhere!"

One Christmas, a father hoped to give his young son the best Christmas yet.

He decided to buy every game and toy you could imagine and put them all in a room. He left the boy in the room for about an hour and came back to see his son, sitting in the corner, crying.

The father asked, ...

A man walks into a bar leading a pony on a harness...

Bartender says to the man "You can't bring that pony in here."

Man replies, "This is a special pony. He pays for all my drinks. See, I bet you, the bartender, that my pony can recite every letter of the alphabet after each shot of whiskey he drinks. You won't believe me, so you take that bet....

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A shetland pony walks into a Burger King...

He walks up to the counter and whispers "I'll take one whopper please." The cashier says "sure, buy why are you whispering?" The pony looks up at him and says "sorry, I'm just a little hoarse"

The incredible singing pony

A man goes inside a bar because outside there's a sign about "The Incredible Singing Pony!" He orders a drink and asks the bartender about the Incredible Singing Pony. The bartender points to a dimly lit corner and there stands, in a top hat and monacle, with a microphone stand in front, a pony. The...

What do you call a pony that sleeps around

A whorse

A pony recently got to work as a teacher,

But 1 day before school starts he got a cold. Naturally he couldn't talk as loud as usual so the next day he comes into the class and says: "Good morning! Sorry if I'm being a bit quiet, I'm just a little horse."

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A pony walks into a bar...

A pony walks into a bar, and is stared at by the bartender and patrons. He makes his way up to the bar, and in a raspy voice asks the bartender for a glass of water. He quickly downs the glass, clears his throat, and says, "you'll have to excuse me, I'm a little hoarse"

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Sparrows

One late Fall morning at sunrise three tiny sparrows sat on a telephone wire overlooking a country road. The freezing wind blew, the wire swayed uncomfortably, and the tiny birds were cold, hungry, and pathetic.

As the sun rose, a pony clip-clopped along the road below and dropped huge pile ...

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A pony walks into a bar

He whispers to the bartender 'can I get a pint of bud please'

The bartender replies 'sorry man, you're going to have to speak up'

The pony whispers again 'can I get a pint of bud please'

The bartender a little annoyed replies 'listen man, you're going to have to speak up I can't...

My barber interrupted my horse story...

...even though I told him *not* to cut off my pony tale

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A man and his husband...

Were talking one evening over dinner when the more effeminate one expressed he was feeling a bit down in the dumps. The husband enquired as to what was happening...

Twink: “Well, I’m not feeling very ‘manly’ lately”.

Bear: “Oh hun, you are you and I love you, but why?”

Twink: si...

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The Pilot

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today
and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the inte...

I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet....

After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....

For my cake day, I want to share a joke I've never seen here: A man is walking through the desert. [Long]

He comes across a town and realises he could get a horse. He walks up to the horse salesperson and asks for a horse. The salesperson says "Sorry just sold the last one, but you can check down the street. The other guy might have some left!"

So he goes there and again, asks for a horse. Unfort...

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Kinky Sex

A man was sitting at a singles bar when he was approached by a woman.

"Excuse me, but is this seat taken?" She asked him, motioning to the empty seat next to him.

"No, It isn't." He said. The woman sat down.

"Well, now that I'm sitting here, would you mind buying me a drink?"...

They find two 5-year olds, an optimist and a pessimist, and decide to do an experiment

They put the pessimist in a room full of the latest toys and gadgets, and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Then they close the door. They put the optimist in a room full of horse manure and tell him he has to stay there. Then they close the door.

After an hour they open the door on the p...

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NSFW So this girl finishes giving a well-hung man a very rigorous blow-job.

... Her jaw aches, her eyes are watery, and her throat hurts. But she thought it would all be worth it, yet the guy just zips up & starts to walk away. "Hey!" She says, her voice still a little raspy from the deed. "You said if I gave you head you'd buy me a pony!"

"No," he replie...

Once upon a time three guys went hiking

By nightfall they ran out of food they all notice that there's one slice of bologna left, so they all decided go to sleep for the night and whoever wakes up the next morning with the best dream will get the last slice of bologna.

The next morning came and all the guys woke up, so the first g...

A father puts a gold watch in one son's stocking and a pile of manure in the other son's...

The first son brings the watch to his father and with a worried face says, "dad I'm not sure what to do with this watch, it's fragile, and small, and I don't really wear watches. I don't like it."


The father wasn't surprised by his son's reaction because he typically has a poor perspecti...

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Six Letters of the Alphabet

Billy was a boy in kindergarten. At the end of the school day, the teacher gave the class a simple task.

“Ok class, I want you to go home tonight and learn the first six letters of the alphabet.”

So Billy left school determined to learn what the teacher had asked. When he got home, he ...

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I used to be a pimp for a horse, but she only got paid for sex one time.

She was a real one trick pony.

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

Tommy at the rodeo

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever...

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