UPJOKE
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Mane Jokes

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

There was once a horse with the most illustrious and flowing mane on the planet

Maybe she was barn with it, or maybe it's neighbelline.

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(NSFW) A horse jocky with a lisp, is going to buy a horse

After being shown around and finding the horse he wants. He asks the man,

"Let me thee its mane."

The man picks him up, and he pets the mane. He sets him back down and he says,

"Ok, ok. Let me thee it's tail."

The man picks him up, and the jocky pets his tail. The man se...

A blonde tries to go horseback riding ....

.....
even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the man...

Why does the lion say “I’m the king of the jungle”?

Because he has mane character syndrome

There’s this big controversy with horse owners over whether it’s “defiling a corpse” to put decorations in a horse’s mane after it passes away.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. They’re just beading a dead horse.

A cowboy walks into a bar. “What can I get for you?” the bartender asks. “A double whiskey, neat,” he replies.

As the bartender pours, she asks, “How’s it going today?”

“I have a problem with my horses,” the cowboy admits. “I want to train one of them to be a racehorse and the other to be a workhorse, but they look so similar I can’t tell them apart!”



The bartender thinks it over for a ...

What do you call a balding lion in a Chinese restaurant?

Low mane.

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Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was...

What does Spongebob keep in his square pants?

A thick mane of cubic hair

2 sisters has just bought 2 horses

2 sisters has just bought 2 horses.

While going for their first ride, Sister A suddenly stops, and says:
- "We have a problem. How are we going to tell the horses apart, and know which one is yours, and which one is mine?"

Sister B agrees this is a problem, and begins to think abo...

Two blonds bought a horse each

When one says to the other

"Hey Jess, how will we be able to tell the horses apart?"

"Easy, I will cut its mane, so the one with the mane is yours, and the one without mane is mine"

But at night, the horse caretaker cut the other horse mane as a prank

So the next day, whe...

A man rides a pony into a bar

A man charges through the front door of his local saloon, perched on the back of a pony. He rushes to the bar and says “Bartender, I need a hot tea, as quick as you can!”

The bartender, taken aback, says “Sir! You can’t ride that thing in here! And why do you so desperately need a hot tea?!”<...

Why did the dyslexic man call his horse "ho"

He was trying to keep her mane short

Who cuts Simba's hair?

His mane man.

There are so many things I like about horses, but my favorite is all that hair running down their neck.

That’s the mane thing.

A minor league baseball pitcher visits the baseball field the day before the big game

Wanting to get a feel for it, he goes alone and sees a horse near the dugout that seems to be wearing the hat and jersey of the opposing team he'll be playing against the next day. Surprised, he laughs and wonders if this is supposed the opposing team's mascot. He approaches the horse to pet it.
...

A farmer couldn't tell his two horses apart...

...so he tried cutting the tail off one horse. This was no good because the tail grew right back. Then he cut the mane off the other horse. This didn't work either, because the mane grew back. Finally he measured them and found that the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.

When god gave out bodies, he did it in alphabetical order.

GOD: And to you, horse, I give you a golden mane, great strength and speed, and a giant gait. You will be the noblest of beasts, and men will love you.

HORSEFLY (next in line): Oh man this is gonna be gooood

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The Greatest hunter [long]

There once was a hunter who had some guest over to his house and was giving them a tour of his trophy room. At the entrance of the room there was a great giant white Gorilla, they asked him about it, he said: -"I spent three days and three nights with no sleep or food waiting for him to appear, he f...

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A small person with a speech impediment was thinking about purchasing a mare for his stable.

He heads over to the ranch and asks the rancher if he could inspect the horse before he bought her. The two of them head into the stables and the rancher brings the mare out of her stall. The buyer does a walk around, inspecting the hooves and legs, before looking around for a stool. Seeing none, he...

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NSFW What do you call the hair between your balls and your butthole?

Your gucci mane

*Credit to my friend for coming up with this*

What do you call a Chinese man's pubic hair?

His low- mane

When the gladiators fought lions

it was always the mane event

As a reward for winning a race, a young stallion was put in a compound with a beautiful female zebra.

As the next day dawned, the keeper ran to see how the stallion had made out and was chagrined to see him leaning up against a tree. His mane was disheveled, his body covered in welts from angry hooves, and he had two giant black eyes. Astounded, the keeper asked what had happened.


The sta...

A Lion walks into a bar...

The bartender *obviously* seems frightened by this. The Lion walks up to the side of the bar and pulls up a seat next to a man. This man is dressed like a Lion Tamer, and seems pleased to see the Lion. The Bartender comes over and timidly asks the Lion, “Who are you?”. The man sitting beside the Lio...

Horse problems

A classic I first heard from my grandpa.

Rufus and Ludgate, a couple of rather rural neighbors, each decided to buy a horse one summer. Since they were neighbors, they decided it made sense to pasture the horses together in the same field. Before turning them loose, they talked about how to t...

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Harry the horse

Once upon a time, in a quaint little village nestled between rolling green hills, there lived a horse named Harry. Now, Harry was no ordinary horse; he possessed an uncanny ability to make the most mundane situations utterly hilarious. His knack for comedy made him the talk of the town, and villager...

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3 Texan surgeons are having a conversation on a golf course

The first one says: "I'm the best surgeon in Texas! A concert pianist has lost 7 fingers in an accident and I managed to sew them to his hand again. Tomorrow he will be playing for the Queen of England in an private audience!"

Says the second one: "Thats nothing! A young man lost both of his ...

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I'm directing a film...

... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.

I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.

A blonde goes horseback riding for the first time in her life, she's never had any prior lessons or training.

As soon as her bottom hits the saddle, the horse gallops away. Immediately the girl realizes she's not in the saddle correctly and she does everything she can to stay on the horse, she pulls on the horse's mane, she grabs the saddle ... but she realizes it's no use. Finally she decides the best th...

Cowboy Talks to the Animals

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.

The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?"

"Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"

The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"

The rancher shrugs, ...

A man just bought a religious horse...

A man was searching for the fastest and noblest steed. Finally, after much searching, he finally found a horse he was satisfied with. Its mane was silky, its coat was glossy, and it was the finest stallion that the man has ever laid his eyes upon.

While paying for the stallion, the seller rem...

A man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

The bartender, being nice, decides to ask him what’s wrong. “What’s wrong?”, he asks. The man replies: “I have these 2 horses, but I cannot for the love of God tell them apart! I don’t know which one to feed, which one to ride, or anything like that!”

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy...

A man wants to buy a horse for his daughter's birthday. [Long]

He goes to a barn to see if the farmer will sell a horse to him. He sees a beautiful white horse with a silky mane. The farmer says to the man,

"I see you eyeing my horse, if you're looking to buy him, it's 1000$." The man thinks it's a steal at that price, so he gets money out and pays....

Thank god

Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of in...

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