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Woodwork Jokes

Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork…

Think I nailed it!

What does a novice woodworker have in common with a constipated woodworker?

In the end, both are lucky to produce a stool.

Did you hear about the incontinent woodworker?

He specialised in staining chairs

Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish?

It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

Anyone wanna join my prayer group for woodworkers?

It's called "Oh, Ye of Whittle Faith."

I'm a dyslexic woodworker

I don't have much going on in my life, but I guess that's oaky.

What is Snoop Doggs favorite tool for woodworking?

A chizzle.

A woodworker opens up a new shop

A woodworker opens up a new shop to sell his lumber and assembled pieces. He is making a decent living, but one day he discovers a new type of tree in the forest with some of the best wood he has ever worked with. He found out the tree was called the Arge Oak.

He started to try to feature th...

You do some gardening once, you do not become a gardener. You nail two pieces of wood together, you do not become a woodworker.

So I do not see how I could be a murderer, your honour.

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Homemade dildo

A man had just recently gotten into woodworking. He had made a nice table, some chairs, and a few other things around the house.

One day, his wife came up to him and asked if he could try to make her a dildo. He found the request to be a bit odd, but being the great husband he is, he agreed. ...

I left school with two qualifications 'Maths' and 'Woodwork' and i walked straight in a job..

Making rulers...

A woodworker made some coffee tables to sell

A woodworker made some coffee tables to sell on marketplace, but none of them sold.

It turns out they weren't poplar.

I'm sure I am not the first redditor to think this up, but I did use search function for the last year and found nothing, so apologies if it's a repost or just not funn...

As a woodworker, I love the final stages of a project

All the little impurities and errors go away. It's a real varnishing act.

Late at night a divorced man has a phone call from the police station.

They tell him that he should show up because his ex-wife was arrested. So the man goes to the police station and finds her ex-wife there with the police.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he says.

The police chief gestures to the ex-wife to explain it.

"Nothing," she says. "You know when we ...

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An oldie but a goodie, for my dad

No, my dad's not dead! But he loves a good joke and this one leapt into my mind 40 years after I first heard it.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender is like hey, we don't allow dogs in here! But this guy is super posh and his dog is absolutely stunning! He says "This is a p...

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Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?

His woodworking looked like shit.

What is Gepetto's favorite cereal?

I know you think it's Pinnochi-o's, but it's actually Cheerios. They're whittle o's. Though I guess both woodwork.

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What do you call woodworkers?

Prostitutes.

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An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week.

An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week. As a way to say thanks to the community, he offers to take down and rebuild a brand new deck at the bar. The bar owner, who practically lives at the bar day-in day-out, doesn't want t...

I got stabbed at the flea market.

I thought it would be fun to take my son to the flea market to see the wide array of commodities being sold.

"Oh, look! There's an ice cream man!" My boy exclaimed. So we walked up to the ice cream booth and I said: "Hey there ice cream man!". And then we ordered a couple cones.

Next...

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture

But I’m sure it woodwork

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I took so much camp counsellor dick

I got a woodworking badge

Wood Eye

There was a young boy who had his eye put out when he was in middle school. His family was too poor to get him a glass eye, but his dad was a woodworker. So, his dad made him a wooden eye. When he returned to school, all of the kids made fun of him calling him, "Wood eye, wood eye." He tolerated the...

A boy learns some woodworking skills on Reddit. He wants to impress his dad with his new skills so he builds him a gate for his yard with beautiful fenceposts. The dad says son, this is great but...

There used to be a gate in this exact spot, so this is just a repost.

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So I was in a wood carving class the other day.

I was making a piece, but I just couldn't seem to be able to find the right kind of knife, so I decided to make my own. After about 2 weeks of working, I had the perfect knife, and I brought it to the instructor of the woodworking class. "Wow." He said, "That's quite a cutting edge design."

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

(Clean) A group of nuns wanted to make a little money on the side...

They were quite good at woodworking and wanted to make something that the local kids would enjoy so they decided to start up a company that makes yo-yos. Pretty soon making the yo-yos and fulfilling the orders started to take up a good chunk of their time and it caught the attention of the Mother Su...

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There are two best friends named Jimmy and Freddy...

...who love to do woodworking together in Freddy's garage. One afternoon, Jimmy shows up at Freddy's house and discovers the butterfingers Freddy has cut his hand off with the circular saw. Jimmy remembers something he read once, puts the hand in a bag on ice, and rushes his friend and hands it of...

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A man is wakes up in a strange place...

And the only landmark is a fence. Seeing as he has no idea where he is, he follows the fence hopin there is a phone or something to help him get out of there. As he's following the fence, he starts noticing how beautifully made it is. Exceptional woodworking, perfectly complimentary staining, etc. H...

Bob's Nails.

Bob made metal nails for all need and uses. For woodworking or construction, his nails where the best and he wanted to make a TV commercial to promote them.

So he went to a studio to get his commercial made. There he gave an idea of how he wanted his commercial "I want it to be epic and persu...

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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The Ballad of Ole Woodeye

There once was a man named John Haywood. He worked as a farmhand in Louisiana back in the 1930's, and was quite the skilled worker. Every day he would show up on time and work his hardest. One fateful afternoon, while baling hay, a wire snapped. His right eye was mutilated beyond any possible repair...

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