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Decoration Jokes

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m attracted to my neighbor’s garden decoration. The beard, the cute tummy….

Does that make me a gnomosexual?

Aquarium decorations on clearance!

Sorry, no reef funds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

**NSFW** A 20 year old joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

What do you call Halloween decoration that's put up too early?

Premature e-jack-o-lantern.

A good Halloween decoration

If you need a good Halloween decoration, just put up a calendar. Cause nothing is as scary as 2020

My neigbours kid just said this after finding an owl decoration

What do you call a owl that is good at science,

Owlbert Einstein.

I can't believe people are celebrating the Fourth of July early and lighting off fireworks already.

One of my neighbor's fireworks landed in my yard and almost lit my Christmas decorations on fire.

My neighbor has found out the scariest Halloween front yard decoration ever

Its a vote for trump sign

This year, Home Depot is selling Christmas decorations in the second aisle of the housewares section.

Aisle B, Home for Christmas.

Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth.

Initially they didn't talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so m...

I was getting the Xmas decorations down from the attic when i found a present i forgot to give last year.....

Shame, as the kids would have loved that puppy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for my Halloween decoration today.

The store assistant asked me, 'Are you going to put it up yourself?'

'No, you sick fuck, it's going in my living room,' I replied.

I spent all evening putting the Christmas decorations up myself.

Now I'm at the hospital getting them removed.

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Q: What is the scariest Halloween decoration theme for 2018?







A: Saudi Arabian consulate

Was told this year I can’t put up my Halloween decoration..

Which is a shame I thought a sign saying “child molester” was really scary.

Christmas decorations

Can I just ask everyone for a big favor? Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue and flashing? Every time I drive by, I think it's the police and have a panic attack. I have to take my foot off the accelerat...

I don't know why we put up those Halloween decorations at work.

We already have a skeleton crew.

I swear, people keep putting their Christmas decorations up earlier and earlier every year.

Christmas is 364 days away, can’t they wait?

I named my Christmas decoration made of $100 dollar bills

Aretha Franklin

What does Trump have in common with winter holiday decorations?

Both can fu k off in January.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

Balls are there just for decoration...

My Christmas tree wss very happy when I removed the decorations from it.

It was absolutely delighted.

Christmas Decor

A woman asks her eccentric husband to provide some holiday decorations for their home. He eagerly heads out to town for decorations and returns several hours later. The wife returns from her errands to find something perplexing. In the corner stands a Christmas tree with only a few needles and on it...

For Halloween, my vertically challenged friend dressed like a garden decoration, but made the whole costume out of denim.

He's the human jean gnome.

I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China...

but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom asks her kid to get Christmas decorations

A mom asks her kid to get Christmas decorations. She specifically wanted ornament balls to put up around the Christmas tree. The kid leaves the house and several hours pass but he hasn't returned yet.

After what seemed like an eternity, the kid comes back. The mom asks all flustered "What ha...

A man is tasked with setting out Christmas decorations on a submarine

He spends all night thinking about it, and eventually decides on a Christmas tree. He spends hours putting the tree up, adding tinsel, baubles, and finally the star on top. He takes a step back, and looks proudly at his work. But when he comes back to it later, he finds it torn down.

The next...

A serbian politician goes to visit a greek politician

Serbian politician looks around greek politician's home amazed. He has a large 5 story house, many pools, a bar with several pool tables, very expensive drinks that date far back, more than 6 sport cars, there's beautiful women all around the house. Serbian is stunned, he asks "Hey friend, let me as...

A young lady is at a home decoration store, and picks out a large mirror with a brass hanger.

The helpful store clerk says, "M'am, you wanna screw for that mirror hanger?"

The girl replies, "No, but I'll blow you for that matching brass end table."

I think the scariest Halloween decorations I've seen this year have to be

All the little blue signs that say Trump-Pence on them

a guy walks into a bar for a Halloween party...

and is surprised to see the bar decorated for Christmas. "What's with the Christmas decorations?" the guy asks the bartender. "I thought this was supposed to be a spooky Halloween party." "Oh, these decorations are very scary for a lot of people," the bartender replies. "We're gonna terrify people w...

How does a redditor get karma when they don't deserve it?

Piece of ca.....I'm just kidding they ask what's a flat earther's favorite Christmas decoration?

Their s'no globe.

Why do many people keeping buying Mudéjar art?

Because it is Moor-ish!

>!I realise that this joke is relying on fairly uncommon words like Mudéjar, Moor and moreish - which will reduce how many people will enjoy the joke. But I didn't think that should stop it from being shared. Words explained below!<

>!Mudéjar art: Refer...

Swedish Computer Terms



|Term|Definition|
|:-|:-|
|Log On:|Makin' da vood stove hotter!!|
|Log Off:|Don't add no more vood!!|
|Monitor:|Keepin' an eye on da vood!!|
|Download:|Gettin' da vood off da truck!!|
|Mega Hertz:|Ven yer not careful gettin' da firevood!!|
|Floppy Disc:|Vat yew get from ...

There’s this big controversy with horse owners over whether it’s “defiling a corpse” to put decorations in a horse’s mane after it passes away.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. They’re just beading a dead horse.

' 911, what's your emergency '

'Heyy, I know its been a week since Halloween is over But I'm seriously starting to doubt the body hanging from my neighbours tree is not a Decoration '

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major...

...found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothe...

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