Was told this year I can’t put up my Halloween decoration..

Which is a shame I thought a sign saying “child molester” was really scary.

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I bought a 3 foot long skeleton arm for my Halloween decoration today.

The store assistant asked me, 'Are you going to put it up yourself?'

'No, you sick fuck, it's going in my living room,' I replied.

Christmas decorations

Can I just ask everyone for a big favor? Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue and flashing? Every time I drive by, I think it's the police and have a panic attack. I have to take my foot off the accelerat...

Q: What is the scariest Halloween decoration theme for 2018?







A: Saudi Arabian consulate

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A mom asks her kid to get Christmas decorations

A mom asks her kid to get Christmas decorations. She specifically wanted ornament balls to put up around the Christmas tree. The kid leaves the house and several hours pass but he hasn't returned yet.

After what seemed like an eternity, the kid comes back. The mom asks all flustered "What ha...

What do you call a popular Christmas decoration made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

I can't believe christmas is 364 days away...

And people already have their decorations up.

At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

A woman dies and finds herself at the gates to haven.

When she gets there, she is confused as she saw how many others are standing and sitting outside, cracking eggs, mixing batter, and baking something.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every...

Why did the Dire Straights have so many Easter decorations?

They got their bunnies for nothing and their chicks for free.

I wish I was like a Christmas decoration...

Hanging from a tree.

A man is tasked with setting out Christmas decorations on a submarine

He spends all night thinking about it, and eventually decides on a Christmas tree. He spends hours putting the tree up, adding tinsel, baubles, and finally the star on top. He takes a step back, and looks proudly at his work. But when he comes back to it later, he finds it torn down.

The next...

I wanted to buy a patriotic decoration on my trip to China...

but I worried the US customs officer would see it as a red flag.

You shouldn't eat Xmas decorations

You will get tinselitis

I think the scariest Halloween decorations I've seen this year have to be

All the little blue signs that say Trump-Pence on them

A young lady is at a home decoration store, and picks out a large mirror with a brass hanger.

The helpful store clerk says, "M'am, you wanna screw for that mirror hanger?"

The girl replies, "No, but I'll blow you for that matching brass end table."

The nerve of some people! Here it is, July 8th and idiots are outside shooting off fireworks.

They almost burned down my caught my Christmas decorations on fire.

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A family is at the dinner table

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like...

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For his birthday a man decides to hold a costume party

To put a twist on things, he declares in his invitations that the theme of the party will be feelings and emotions.

On the night in question, the host is putting the final touches on the decorations when the doorbell chimes.

The host opens the door to his first guest, a man with his fa...

6 more months until Halloween

Which means 2 more weeks until stores start putting out Halloween decorations.

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An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.

After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a ...

A Christmas Myth

After learning about different ways to celebrate Christmas, the children were eager to learn more about the subject. Knowing that one of the teachers at their school was from the UK and maybe had an angel on top of the tree instead of the classic star, they went to ask him about it.

It's a lo...

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What does the pope have in common with Christmas trees ?

Both have balls just for decoration

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No sex since 1955

A crusty old Army Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something ...

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An american goes to britian shortly after the revolutionary war

While walking through the streets, he got looks of disgust, rude comments, or no attention at all. Eventually, one family kindly invites the man over to dinner.They start eating and talking, but the american says he has to use the bathroom. He asks where the bathroom is to go and do his business. Wh...

A young soldier writes a letter to his father.

"Dad, I got syphilis"
A week later he receives a response:
"Son, I don't know much about those military decorations but you should wear it with pride"

I was at Home Depot....

I was at Home Depot and my girlfriend and I were looking at their halloween decorations. One of the workers accidentally ran over one of the skeleton decorations and I helped pick it up. He said "I didnt even know I was hitting him" so I replied "dont worry he is already dead". This motherfu, didnt ...

Two guys are looking for a christmas tree in the woods...

They've been walking through the thick snow for about an hour and one of the guys says:
"Ah screw it! Lets just take that big one over there. So what if it doesn't have decorations?"

I suspected my friend of using my carpentry tools without my permission...

And when he bragged he made a new front door decoration, I knew it was a sign.

A pilot bailed out of his crashing plane and landed on an uncharted island.

He soon found himself surrounded by natives with spears. A big native adorned with decorations points at the pilot.

“I'm screwed,” says the pilot.

God opens up the clouds and says to the pilot, “No, you're not screwed. Grab the closest spear and throw it through the leader’s heart.”...

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What does a Reverend and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are both for decoration

"P.S. Haven't seen this joke here yet so I thought I'd share, also isn't my creation one of my friends told me it."

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An old Chinese joke

Mr. Wang was getting ready for the Chinese New Year. He decided to put up some luck paintings on his wall, so he called his son over. He told his son, "It's the New Year, so you have to say auspicious words. So if I put the decorations too high up, say 'Good fortune' and if I put the decorations too...

My wife said, "Come on now... It's not the first time you've been premature is it?"

"I know," I replied, "But I just get over excited sometimes.. I can't help it."

"Right.. Let's sort this out. I'll get the decorations down and you put the Christmas tree back in the attic until December."

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New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

Useful Metric Equivalents

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 m...

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Mary Under had been teaching for a long time.

She taught 5th grade for 25 years all while enjoying a plain lifestyle. Having never married, she was not a complicated woman. She always brought the same leftovers in the same Tupperware for lunch. She had one fork, one spoon, one knife, and one bowl. Her classroom had little decoration, and her ho...

Christmas Decor

A woman asks her eccentric husband to provide some holiday decorations for their home. He eagerly heads out to town for decorations and returns several hours later. The wife returns from her errands to find something perplexing. In the corner stands a Christmas tree with only a few needles and on it...

If you made a wall hanging out of cheap necklaces bought from the merch tables at small, underground rock concerts...

Would you have a Decoration of Indie Pendants?

2 village idiots are walking...

...in the woods in December. They spend long hours there, seemingly looking at the trees. As time goes by, they argue more and more. Finally, at sunset, one tells the other:

"Look, I don't care if the next one doesn't have any decorations, we're taking it for Christmas!"

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The little girl who didn't know what cuss words meant.

A little girl is sitting in the living room on thanksgiving and her parents begin to have a fight and the mom calls the dad a bastard and the dad calls the mom a bitch, so the little girl asks her mom "what's a bitch and a bastard?" And the mom replies " a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlema...

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Can anyone help me remember a joke?

My father used to tell it. It involves 2 Congolese soldiers who decide to sneak out of camp one night. They steal a sergeant's decorations and head to town, pretending to be sergeants, where they meet a French prostitute who gives them syphilis. I don't remember the punchline or anything else about ...

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