Soaking a twig in coke is nice, but soaking a twig in fanta...

Fanta stick.

What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror?

A narcissistick.

In the mythical kingdoms of ancient India, lived the king Ramuk.

He had a courageous son by the name Tipar. Trained in the arts of war and statehood, Prince Tapir was ever eager to take his chance at the throne.

As age got the better of the king, he decided to crown the Prince and move on to a peaceful life of wine and women.

But before he could han...

How is a lonely twig like a piece of cling wrap?

He can only stick to himself.

A Rabbi, A Noose, A Sapling . . .

A young rabbi was out for a walk when he came across an older man sitting next to a newly-planted sapling. Around the man’s neck was a noose, with the other end of the rope tied to one of the tree’s twigs.

The rabbi greeted the man, then said, “May I ask what you’re doing?”

“What does ...

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Billy the tree.

Billy the tree aces his SATs at Forest High and ends up with a full college scholarship. The day arrives for him to move halfway across the state. The older trees wish him luck, and they make him promise to write. They wave and cheer as he packs his trunk and leaves.

He arrives at his college...

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Old man sees a little boy walk by with duct tape in his hand...

An old man sitting on his porch sees a little boy walk by with duct (duck) tape in his hand. He says to the little boy "Where are you going with that duct tape?"
Little boy responds "I'm going to catch me some duck"
Old man says "no no no, that's not how it works"
Later on he sees the littl...

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Two statues brought to life

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire....

Two Squirrels GO Camping

They set up a tiny tent and make a tiny campfire. Then, one squirrel pulls out a frying pan and begins to pan fry some twigs. The other squirrel snatches it from his hand and says,

"Are you NUTS?!? This is a non-stick pan!"

A problem at the restaurant

Waiter!" shouted the furious diner. "How dare you serve me this! There's a TWIG in my soup!"

"My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."

A schoolreunion

A man named Chris sits down at a table at his high-school reunion. It's been a while since the last reunion, and he can't seem to remember a single face from the crowd.

Suddenly another guy sits down beside Chris. The man is very tall, about 6'3, and his face is stretched out. As if someone w...

Two hunters......

Two hunters walking thru the woods,one slips,and rolls down a steep ravine. The other calls down to him ,but he gets no response. He picks up his phone,calls 911.
Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Panicked Hunter: my buddy and I were walking he tripped fell down a ravine, and he is dead....

A man applies for a job at the zoo ...

He'd always wanted to work for the zoo, so he goes up to the zookeeper and asks if there are any openings.

"No, sorry," said the zookeeper. "We're not hiring."

"But please," said the man, "I've always wanted to work for the zoo. Are you sure there's no openings? I'll literally do anyt...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

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something about phones

so there was this guy, real alpha, but was a little insecure. he got into a fight with this total twig to prove his superiority or whatever, ended up winning easily due to his large muscles and shit. yeah, bravo for that one dude. but anyway, this guy’s name was charlie and he was exploring in a de...

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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest....

Kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please m...

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Two Statues in a Park

They are lovely, Romanesque statues, and mostly nude. One male, with a spear and shield, and one female, scantily draped in a robe, holding a jug of water. They face each other day in and day out. They are everything to one another.

One day, the Statue Fairy comes to visit them (fairies ar...

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A hunter sets out in search of a bear to shoot for its pelt. He comes across a clearing and spots a small black bear...

He levels his rifle and lines his sights up on the black bear and fires. He puts his rifle sling over his shoulder but before he can step out of the shadows into the clearing he is tapped upon the shoulder. He turns and sees a massive grizzly bear. The Grizzly in a stern tone says to the hunter "Tha...

How to catch a bear.

Dig a deep hole, fill it with twigs and other pieces of firewood, and burn the wood. When the wood is all good and burned, cover the hole with some sort of coverage, and open a can of vegetables, like peas and place the peas all around the entrance to the hole. Hide somewhere downwind of the hole...

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A man goes to the doctor to inquire about male enhancement.

"Doc," said he, "I'm tiny. I can't satisfy my wife, and I'm ridiculed in changing rooms. I've tried every drug and herbal supplement, to no avail. I want to look into surgery."

"Well," said the doctor, peering at the man's twig-like member through a magnifying glass, "You're in luck. there's ...

A joke my Cousin told to me when I was 5, that I rewrote one day. The Rabi and the Trids (WARNING: LONG)

This is the story of a Rabbi named Steven. Steven was lost in the mountains of Bolivia one day. He had embarked from Lima weeks ago, but his translator had taken a rather nasty tumble and was no longer with him. But the Rabbi continued. He walked forward and up, perhaps being guided by a higher forc...

Three criminals are on the run from the law...

when they stumble onto a farm just before nightfall and decide to lay low in the barn until the heat is off. Just when they decide to leave, the farmer (after hearing reports on the radio of thieves on the loose) comes outside and sits down at the main entrance to guard the property with his shotgun...

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Lil' Arty

After being married to a total bitch for nearly 35 years, Steve decided enough was enough. He knew that she would never grant him a divorce, being the bitch she was, so Steve decided to take matters into his own hands put an end to his wife, Permanently! Of course, Steve didn’t want the blame placed...