Squirts Jokes - 22 Hilarious Squirts Jokes

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?

an honorable discharge.

(made this one up at work)

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am sitting on the toilet with the squirts.

Yes. This is a shitpost.

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

A man squirts his girlfriend with a squirting gun

A man squirts water on his girlfriend’s skirt with a squirting gun.

His girlfriend starts laughing hysterically, and the man asks why.

“Well you see, you finally got me wet!”

3 friends walk into a room.

Never seen this joke on here, but I’m gonna be honest, also didn’t check or look for it first.

An engineer, a scientist, and a theoretical mathematician walk into a room. A fire breaks out and the scientist grabs the fire extinguisher and squirts one tiny spot and the fire goes out.

T...

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A traveling salesman finds himself in an elevator

While he's all alone, he rips a huge stinking fart. He quickly opens his briefcase and takes out a can of air-freshener and give it a few squirts.

A few moments later another man enters the elevator, visibly disturbed by the strong smell.

"Smells nice doesn't it? It's a special blend o...

Why did Louis CK hire a babysitter?

He needed someone to watch his little squirts.

I know a friend who doesn’t use hand sanitizer because it only kills 99.9% of the germs.

I don’t get it. Get two squirts, and it kills 199.8% of germs.

Why was the ketchup feeling bad?

Because it had the squirts.

Courtesy of my 8 year old nephew

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I got home late last night went to bed to try to wake the missus up for some fun

I sneak under the blankets and start licking her out, after about 5 minutes she screams squirts all over my face. I head to the bathroom, splash a heap of water in my face look in the mirror and find my girlfriend behind me. I get startled and yell "Fuck you scared the shit out of me" she replies "s...

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I get pulled over and the officer says “do you have alcohol in the car?

Me: yes officer, do you want some?

Officer: are you trying to bribe me?

Me: no officer, I’m just being friendly

Officer: I don’t know where you’re from, but around here offering an officer alcohol is not friendly

Me: I’m sorry officer. I really think you could use some th...

I called my boss this morning and said

"I'm not coming in today, I've got the squirts."

He said, "I'm fed up with this, it's the same time every week!"

I said, "I can't help it, my wife has community service on Tuesdays and we can't find a babysitter."

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Four men are stranded on a deserted island

After wandering for days, they finally come upon a small shack in the distance. Unsure of its safety, one friend volunteers to investigate while the other three stay behind.

Taking a deep breath, the bravest of the friends walks through the front door and finds a witch waiting for him.
...

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A United States Marine walks into a restroom at the Pentagon to take a leak...

There, at the row of urinals, a Soldier and a Sailor are also relieving themselves. The Marine pulls up to a vacant urinal next to them and gets ready to do his business.

Just then the Soldier finishes up, zips up, and goes over to the sink. He turns on the water and lets it get nice and wa...

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

A farmer went to milk his cow

A farmer went to milk his cow. He put the bucket down under the udders and started milking, but after a few seconds, the cow took her left leg and knocked the bucket over. The farmer sighed and found a piece of rope and tied the left leg to the pillar on the left and went back to milking.

Aft...

Chris the tractor salesman

Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tract...

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Dave's shitty luck

There was a man named Dave, and he was going on a hunting trip with his buddies. Luckily he's at the campsite when all of a sudden he gets a bad case of the Hershey squirts. Dave runs to the nearest tree and let's it rip all over the tree. In fact he's there so long he falls asleep. His friends come...

Naughty Horse Race

Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They’re off! Conscience is left behind at the post.

Joc...

Abracadabra

A blonde, brunette, and a red are frolicking on the beach when the blonde suddenly trips over a bottle in the shape of a phallus.

Blonde: What is this? What do we do with it?

Red head: We're supposed to rub it silly!

So they huddle around the bottle and using both hands they all...

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