UPJOKE
overturnedprevalentremittedreversedbloodshedinterposedhitwidespreadcontributeddisbursedtoppledoverthrewoverthrownpaidflavoured

Spilt Jokes

What will the USA be called if it spilt into 2?

USA and USB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The beer was spilt on the barroom floor,

And the bar was closed for the night...

And out of his hole, crawled a little brown mouse,

Who made a funny sight..

He lapped up that beer, on the barroom floor,

And back on his haunches he sat...

And all through the night you could hear him yell,

"Bring on ...

Spilt milk

I hate how every time I come home and go to the kitchen my flat mate has spilled milk everywhere. How dairy

Inspired by Money Heist: What do you call a bank robbery with no blood spilt?

A stainless steal.

My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...

Can't believe that chick pea'd herself

A guy spilt his cup of milk on me

How dairy!

This girl just spilt ice all over my record player.

I played it cool.

Friends..

Looking at my lifestyle, God asked me if I wanted Alzheimers or Parkinsons.

I approached me friends with this conundrum.

They said "Take both, it would be funny to watch you look at your pants and not know if you spilt your drink or peed your pants".

Gynecologist appointment

A woman has an appointment with her gynecologist, but oversleeps and wakes up 30 minutes before her morning appointment.

She has to drop her daughter at school first, so she runs to the bathroom and quickly wipes her neither regions with a flannel lying on the side of the bath and runs out th...

What type of coffee wake you up the best in the morning?

Any coffee that spilt over your laptop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A limerick for Guildford in Surrey

At McDonald’s in Guildford in Surrey
I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry
I had to act quick
To cool down my dick
So I stuck it into my McFlurry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some crazy asshole cut me off while driving to work this morning.

I damned near spilt my cereal all over the book I was reading!

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

Three formerly wealthy friends, who all had the same name, found a Genie's lamp...

So they decided that when they released the genie each of them would get one wish. So they rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and said, "hello, I will grant you three wishes." The men explained that they were going to spilt the wishes, and the genie agreed. The first man wished to be the only ma...

I almost got into an accident with someone who was texting and driving...

luckily I braked just in time or else I would've spilt my beer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two drug dealers are caught. They did not resist arrest and they owned up to it right away.

They go to court.

“Ok,” said the judge, “since this is your first offense and you cooperated so well I won’t send you to jail under one condition: you have to get as many kids off drugs as you can. You have he weekend to do it.”

The two of them spilt up and went out to get kids off dru...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar

And steps straight to the bartender and says: I heard that you are the meanest bartender around and everyone is afraid of you.
Bartender: If they say so, its true.
The man exclaims: Well im not afraid of you one bit and can do everything better than you.
Bartender: Is that so?
The man: Y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl brings a guy back home, forgetting that she shares a bunk bed with her young brother...

They're both so horny that they can't not-sleep with each other, despite the child on the bunk below them.

While caught in this dilemma, he decides to set up a code system so that the brother doesn't realize what's up:

"Alright, if you want me to go harder, say lettuce; if you want me ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.