The last thing my grandfather told me was “Quarts! Litres! Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

Who can drink 5 gallons of gas

Jerry can

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

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The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating.

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

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Milk Bath

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.  She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

...

What is gray and comes in gallons?

An elephant

Did you hear about the Native American who drank 20 gallons of tea?

They found him dead the next day laying in his own teapee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman asks a dairy farmer to sell her 40 gallons of milk.

“Certainly, ma’am. Might I ask why you need so much milk?”

The blonde replies: “I’m going to take a bath in it...”

“Ok... no problem” he says. “Do you want it pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my boobs.” She responds. “I can splash it above my eyes.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whale joke

Me: Hey did you know that whales can ejaculate over 50 gallons?

Friend: No but umm thank you for the info

Me: You’re whalecum

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

I just bought 10 gallons of Witeout.

Big mistake.

A guy calls his wife as he's leaving work, and asks if she needs anything. She tells him, "Stop by the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and if they have bananas pick up half a dozen."

When the guy gets home his wife flips out on him as he sets down six gallons of milk on the counter.

*What's all this milk about?!?!?* she yells.

His response --- "They had bananas."

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

A man's wife sent him to the store. "Get a gallon of milk and if they have avacodos, get six."

The man returns with six gallons of milk.

"Why did you get six gallons of milk?"

"They had avacodos."

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Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

A driver gets caught in a long tailback and, after not moving for forty minutes, sees a patrolman approaching.

He asks what the holdup is and the policeman says "About a mile up the road there's Donald Trump on a soapbox. He says he's sick and tired of the ingratitude of this goddamn country and if he doesn't get five million dollars to continue his fight to overturn the election result, he's going to drench...

Back in the day, I 'member me and my mom going to the store with two dollars in her purse and coming back with a big bag of spuds, two loaves of bread, a pound of cheese, three gallons of milk, half a dozen eggs and coffee…

You can't do that anymore…too many security cameras…

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam...

In the USA, a driver gets stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Standing column.

Suddenly someone knocks on the side window. He lets down the window and asks: "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped President Trump. They are demanding a ransom of $ 100 million or they will pour...

Inspired by a recent ELI5: "Why is milk measured in gallons and soda in litres", I present this oldie...

Q: What comes in quarts?

.

.


A: Elephants

A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.

After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain.

The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests.

If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as...

A programmer's husband asks her to go to the grocery store...

On the way home from work. Later that day he sees her struggling to carry 12 gallons of milk in from the car and asks "Honey, why did you get 12 gallons of milk? We'll never use that much milk before it goes bad."

She responds "I was just following your directions. You asked me 'Can you stop ...

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A priest is preparing to close up the church and head home

A priest is preparing to close up the church and head home, when a man enters the church, looking for him. Failing to recognize the man, the priest says,


"You're not from around here. Do I know you?"


The man replies, "Yes father! Years ago, I was a wayward teenager and you caug...

An Indian Chief drinks 1,000 gallons of ice tea

He drowned in his own tepee

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The Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!!

He really had a good time be...

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

They say milk helps babies grow,

But I’ve poured two gallons of milk on this baby already and all it’s done is cry.

A guy is driving past the White House....

...and he sees that the road is blocked, but they are letting cars through one at a time. There are crowds on the sidewalk, shouting, but he can't hear what's being said.

Finally he gets to the roadblock, and rolls down his window. "What's going on?" he asks.

"Donald Trump has had ...

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