If you fart and sneeze at the same time...

your body will capture a screenshot

Did you hear about the documentary claiming the twin towers were brought down by a large sneeze?

Gesundheit 9/11.

What sound does meat make when it sneezes?

Au jus!

Pretty women sneezes at a hotel restaurant.........

a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'...

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A man goes to the doctor because he orgasms every time he sneezes.

The doctor says, "Well, what are you doing for this?"
The man says, "Me? Well, I've been sniffing pepper."

What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze?

A Jew

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A man sneezes on a plane

A man sneezes on a plane. He takes his dick out and wipes it non-chalantly before putting it away and goes back to reading his book. His female seatmate notices but doesn't want to say anything

5 minutes later he sneezes once more. Again, he pulls his dick out, wipes it clean and puts it back...

I hate people who don’t cover their noses and mouths when they sneeze.

They make me sick.

What's the only nut that can sneeze?


What do you say when a kazoo sneezes?


(My 9yo came up with this)

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

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A lady sneezes on a plane

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman mi...

Someone sneezes during Stalin's speech.

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?"
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?"
No answer.
"Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too.
"Well, who s...

Where is The worst place to sneeze?

In hell. There nobody can bless you

What state would expect to see a priest pray, sneeze and sit down


A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They’re calling the “mass achoo sits”.

What’s the collective noun for sneezes?

A choo.

It's allergy season upon us, so remember to say "pika" before you sneeze

and if you forget, just say "bacca" after!

My hayfever makes me sneeze like my dairy intolerance makes me fart.

I hate my analogies.

What do you call a full body sneeze?

A sneezure.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say when you sneeze it's ten percent of an orgasm

That's why I sniff pepper during sex, so I can give it one hundred and ten percent

Every time I come up with a new metaphor it makes me sneeze.

It really sets off my analogies.

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[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.

Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out th...

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A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The...

What do nuts say when they sneeze?


What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

A group of satanists have a meeting when one sneezes.

Then it got really awkward when someone said "God bless you."

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Sh...

Stalin and the sneezer

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes. Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"


Someone sneezes during a communist party meeting.

Stalin jumps up and shouts "Who just sneezed?" But nobody answers him, as the party members know his wrath and quickness to act all to well.

Soon Stalin pulls out his pistol and takes a shot, killing a random party member instantly. "Who sneezed, damn you all!" Yet still there is no answer...

What do you get when an elephant sneezes?

Out of the way!

I just heard God sneeze.

And I have no idea what to say to him.

People think they're being polite when they sneeze into their sleeves, but really

it' snot

How does Hitler sneeze?

**a-jew* *

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A Woman has an orgasm everytime she sneezes.

Her friend is worried and asks,
"What do you take for it?"
She says,

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A man on the plane sneezes, and then wipes his dick with a tissue

The situation happens couple times more, when one of the passengers eventually reports the man to a flight attendant.

The flight attendant approaches the man and says:
- Sir, people are complaining about your behavior. You need to stop this.
- Oh, I'm really sorry, but I have th...

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A joke my russian friend told...

So stalin was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers... One soldier then sneezes in the middle of stalin's speech. Stalin stops, looks around and asks: "who sneezed?" there was no answer.... he asks again and sure enough no one answered - Stalin is now pissed, he doesn't like being ignor...

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My girlfriend said that a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm.

"That's a bullshit myth," I said.

"Prove it," she replied.

After sneezing ten times I said, "See? I'm still awake and you're not pregnant."

My atheist friend let out a sneeze...

"Damn you," I responded.

Guess what is the perfect time to sneeze...

At-CHOO O'clock....

Why did Scottish baby sneeze?

It got week old.

What do you say when God sneezes?

Go bless yourself.

How does the Black Knight sneeze?


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Woman has an orgasm every time she sneezes..

When she tells he friend of her condition, they ask if she is going to see the doctor for it?. Woman says "no I'm trying a home remedy."

"Oh, what is that?"


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woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?"

The woman replies, "Sniffing pepper."

A man sneezes on the subway who clearly has a cold.

The man next to him says in a disgusted tone, "people like you make me sick."

What would you name someone who can predict when people sneeze?


What do you call pasta with a cold?

Macaroni and sneeze

Was told to me by my 3 year old

Did you know that non vaxxed kids had super abilities?

Their bodies are way more sensible to environmental exposure, and they can hear a sneeze from miles away.

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them s...

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Little Johnny uses the word Contagious in a sentence.

A teacher gives her kids an assignment. Use the word contagious in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow.
The next day all the kids are raising their hand.
The teacher calls on little Susie.
Little Susie, my little brother has the flue and if he sneezes on me I wi...

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A woman sneezes on an airplane

A man sitting next to a woman on an airplane noticed that everytime she sneezed she had a big smile on her face. After several times he finally built the nerve to ask:
"Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice everytime you sneeze you smile. Why is that?"
"Well", she said, "everytime I sneeze I h...

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Why do sharks swim in saltwater?

Because pepperwater makes them sneeze

A 14 y/o girl decides to try drugs.

So she created a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. She didn't have any cool friends with real drugs so she tried to smoke oregano, but found it hurt her throat. Next she tried black pepper in the bong but it made her sneeze. She experimented with ground Ginger but the smoke made her eyes...

Two S.S. officers are on watch...

One sneezes.
The other says "What? Where?"

Little Johnny Back At It

Little Johnny is in class, and they are working in vocabulary.

Miss Jones asks the class "Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?"

Little Mary shoots her hand up in the air, as does Little Johnny. Miss Jones has heard a lot of jokes, so of course she calls Little Mary first...

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The Glass Eye...

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go and talk to her.

Suddenly the woman sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs a...

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A man and a woman are sitting together on an airplane.

The man sneezes, pulls out his dick, and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his dick and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Seahorse joke

Why do seahorses live in saltwater?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Why do sharks live in salt water?

Pepper water would make them sneeze.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”


A Russian Joke.

Stalin is giving a speech when he hears someone sneeze. He stops mid-sentence and asks the first row, "who sneezed?"

Nobody answers.

Stalin executes the first row. Now, everyone is getting nervous.

Stalin addresses the second row. "Who sneezed?" he asks, becoming visibly upset....

A man walks into a buffet...

He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a tissue and raise...

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."

"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."

"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your ...

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The nymphomaniac

The nymphomaniac said to her friend "I've got an odd problem -- every time I sneeze, I have a incredible orgasm."

Her friend asks "What are you taking for it?"

"Sniffing pepper" The Nympho replies

Teacher: Ok class, can anyone tell me what 'analogy' is?

Student: Analogy is something that makes you sneeze.

A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speec...

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A neurologist is running late...

"I have a condition that gives me a seizure whenever I get dizzy," one of them says, hoping to break the ice with another bored patient.

"Are you taking anything for it?" she asks.

"Oh yes, anti-epileptics and Dramamine."

After a long silence, she sheepishly adds: "I hav...

A beautiful woman, sitting by herself at an airport bar

A man is sitting at an airport bar during a lay-over. He looks around and notices **a beautiful woman with a glass eye, sitting by herself**. She looks in his direction with her good eye, *but the glass eye is looking away*. Without warning, **she sneezes violently**, launching her *glass eye* ou...

Stalin is giving a speech ...

All of a sudden, someone sneezes. He stops talking.

"Who sneezed ?"

Silence. Everyone is looking at their feet.

"Who sneezed ? If you don't answer, I'll gun down the front row."

Nobody speaks. He gives an order, and the entire front row is executed.

"Who sneezed ?"...

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A man and a woman are sitting together on an airplane

The woman appears to have allergies. She sneezes, and then takes out a tissue. But instead of wiping her nose, she sticks it under her skirt and wipes between her legs.

He is in shock, and can't believe what he just saw. He waits for her to sneeze again, and when she does, same thing. She...

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Two window cleaners are working at the airport building

One of them says, «I want to pee, let's come down»

«Dude, just piss from here».

«But there are people down there».

«See that fountain? Lean down and aim right there, no one will notice»

«No way, I'll fall down»

«Don't worry man, I'll hold you by the galluses»

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A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane

She sneezes, and kind of tenses up. The man looks over, then looks away. The woman sneezes again, and tenses up kinda shaking. He looks over, watches her. She sneezes about 4 more times. Now she is violently shaking he asks, “are you okay?” A bit worried, she reply’s, “yes! I have this disease where...

A wolf, a lion and a little pig are having a discussion

The wolf proudly says : I am the scariest animal of the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.

The lion smirks and says : do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle ánd the most scary. When I roar, all the ...

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A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a flight

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a flight from New York to Los Angeles.

As they were taking off, the man let out a sneeze, then took a napkin out from his pocket and reached into his pants and patted down his crotch region. The woman, being polite, pretended not to not...

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

Do you know how Edam was invented?

One day a candle maker in Yorkshire was halfway through making a large batch of red candles.

He had been working without a break for many hours, so his wife bought him a plate of cheese for sustenance.

He was so keen to finish working he ignored the food and continued to be engrossed...

The communist party of Russia is having a large gathering with all members...

...and Stalin is giving a speech. Suddenly, someone in the crowd sneezes. Stalin stops his speech, furiously slams down his fist and shouts "Who dared to sneeze while I was talking!? Raise your hand immediately!". The room is silent and nobody raises their hand.

Stalin says: "If nobody raise...

Crossfit died out

The other day n the train:
Girl : *sneezes
me: "Bless You!"
Girl : I Have a Boyfriend

a few rows behind us: "I'm vegan"