I met god and he sneezed.

I didn't know what to say.

FUN FACT: If you sneeze and fart at the same time...

Your body takes a screenshot.

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctor. “Please help. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The doctor says “are you taking anything for it?”

The woman says “Yes. Pepper.”

My Crush just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she's staring at the bushes confused, wondering who said that.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?

A-Shoe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This morning i sneezed all over my toast while eating it...

I can't believe it snot butter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Strangers were sitting next to each other on airplane, getting ready to take off. While getting situated the woman sneezes, but as she does she also begins to

shudder immediately following the sneeze. The man sitting next to her extends a kind "bless you." She says thanks and they continue waiting until she sneezes again, and again she shudders and moans a little, saying "I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you." This throws the man for a loop, saying "sneezin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

Just curious, if you sneeze in a monastery

Do the priests say "Bless You"?

Or do they just do it?

Where do Incans go to sneeze?

Achoo Picchu

a Frenchman sneezed paint onto a canvas

He showed it to a friend, who was astounded.

“Who’s responsible for this remarkable piece of work?”

The Frenchman smiled and said, “Mon nez”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on an aeroplane.

The woman sneezes and right after she is done she shudders and moans.

The man asks,"Are you alright? Because the sneezing seems normal but the shuddering and shivers... Not very much."

The woman replies,"Oh yeah, I have this rare condition where I orgasm every time sneeze."

\-"T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a nazi say when someone sneezes?

WHERE?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone from the nazi army sneezes...

Thus breaking the command of staying still Hitler yells "who sneezed?" Nobody talks, so he executes the first row. Again he yells "who sneezed?", nobody talks so he executes the second row, he goes to the third row and yells "who sneezed?" A man from the third row knows he's gonna get executed anywa...

Communist party gathers, main speaker is Stalin. Someone sneezes.

Stalin: Comrades, who sneezed?

Silence.

Stalin: I ask again, comrades, who sneezed?

Silence intensifies.

Stalin: Shoot down first row!

Guards spray the first row with bullets.

Stalin: Comrades, i ask AGAIN, who sneezed?

Dead silence.

Stalin: Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between an orgasm and a sneeze?

Nothing. The priest says bless you after both.

What bacon makes you sneeze?

Peppa Pig

What type of mineral makes people sneeze?

Gesundhite

How do clocks sneeze?

Watch-oo!

A lawyer and a priest are walking down the street, when the lawyer sneezes. "Bless you", says the priest.

The lawyer promptly burst into flames.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

How do neckbeards sneeze?

Ack-CHOO-ally

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

Cashew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sneezes just went from bless you to fuck you real quick.

Achoo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dines alone…

A guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward...

Gesundheit

What are you called when you reach the highest power level sneeze ever?

You're a Peak-Achoo.



I'll see myself out...

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

What did Donald Trumps bodyguard tell him just before someone sneezed in his face?

Donald Duck!

If you sneeze on a calculator when you're doing a multiplication equation inside of your house, do you now have a Gross Domestic Product?

*sorry I know I tried way too hard with this lol*

What do you call a COVID19 + person's sneeze?

Coronal Mass Ejection! ^Astr^ono^my

What happens when a cop sneezes in bed?

They blow their cover

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sneezed so hard I farted.

Nobody could hear it because of the sneeze. And I thought “sometimes things work out”. Then I realized I'd shit my pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I’m about to sneeze with food in my mouth, I always have existential conversation about whither I should chew the food or sneeze it out.

I end up doing the same thing every fucking time:

I chew.

What does a redditor say when someone sneezes on him

Edit: thank you for the cold kind stranger!

What do you call it when you try to hold in a sneeze but fart instead?

A Substi-toot

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

So countries are basically competing to most effectively manage a virus that makes people cough and sneeze. Does that make this...

A Cold War?

How do Germans sneeze?

Achtung

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sneezes on a plane

A man sneezes on a plane. He takes his dick out and wipes it non-chalantly before putting it away and goes back to reading his book. His female seatmate notices but doesn't want to say anything

5 minutes later he sneezes once more. Again, he pulls his dick out, wipes it clean and puts it back...

A funeral home owner has COVID and sneezes on everyone he sees.

Me: What the hell are you doing?!

Owner: Marketing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ensign was spending his first few days aboard a submarine learning his duties and a litany of regulations.

His job was unusual, but simple; tend a pair of oxen in a miniature field on deck 7. The purpose of this agricultural endeavor was to see if crops might one day be grown inside a spaceship; a submarine was an adequate stand in.

He had never driven cattle before, but in short order, he got th...

I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.

She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.

As she's getting ready to...

I got the COVID vaccine but I noticed a weird side effect

Every time I sneeze I hear the Microsoft error sound

A man sneezed in Lithuania

And everyone responded: "You're welcome".

A man who sneezes without a tissue

takes matter into his own hands.

How many sneezes does a person experience in a day?

A-Few!

What do you call it when you sneeze with a dip (tobacco) in?

An ah chew.

Came up with that myself hope you enjoy.

Sneeze , cough

After 2019-

Someone sneezes.
Me: "Bless you".

Someone coughs.
Me: "Bless me".

What do a broken down train and a failed sneeze have in common?

There isn't a choo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was sitting next to a man on a plane who kept sneezing and then shaking violently for several seconds thereafter.

After awhile, she got curious and asked, "are you feeling okay? I've noticed that you shake a lot after each sneeze."

The man said, "yes, I just have a condition where whenever I sneeze I have an intense orgasm."

The woman said, "oh, my! I can see how that could be very inconvenient....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole on the bus just sneezed in my face

I'm now feeling kinda ill

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech...

Inspired by the recent post by /u/JTRuno:

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech to a packed house when someone in the crowd - a factory worker named Boris - sneezes.

Stalin stops. He sets down his notes and asks "who sneezed?".

Silence. You could hear a pin drop.

"I ask again...

Sneezing girl

I was in my 4th grade glass sitting next to this girl, all of a sudden she produces a loud sneeze.

**ACHOOOOOO**

The whole class was silent, the teacher quietly asked if she needed a tissue

My friend notices a gooey substance dripping from her hand.

*Friend:* **Ewww are t...

What do you call a student who sneezes in a class full of unvaccinated children?

A terrorist.

Three women die and go to heaven

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentall...

What did people say when the mummy sneezed?

Curse you!

I sneezed in front of my stuttering friend and said, "man, my sinuses are on fire".

"i-i-is i-i-it an-an-allergy?" he asked

I said, "no, it's a metaphor".

What do you call a vampire that wants to sneeze but lacks a nasal cavity?

Nose-for-ah-choo

What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze?

A Jew

I think my 6 month old is trying to learn to sneeze.

He just lays in his crib for hours going, "AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". He hasn't quite figured the "CHOO" part out yet. He's such a cutie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have discovered that when you sneeze the sensation is 1/16 of an orgasm.

Which is why I leave a pot of pepper on my wife’s bedside, because she at least deserves *something*

Why did the poet sneeze?

Because he had analogy.

I hate people who don’t cover their noses and mouths when they sneeze.

They make me sick.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do fish live in saltwater?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

Why do sharks only swim in salt water?...

...

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

I just sneezed while eating alphabet soup...

...took the words right out of my mouth.

What do you say when a kazoo sneezes?

Kazoontite

(My 9yo came up with this)

Someone sneezes during Stalin's speech.

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?"
Silence.
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?"
No answer.
"Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too.
"Well, who s...

What state would expect to see a priest pray, sneeze and sit down

Massachusetts

Where is The worst place to sneeze?

In hell. There nobody can bless you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman has an orgasm everytime she sneezes.

Her friend is worried and asks,
"What do you take for it?"
She says,
"Pepper."

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

It's allergy season upon us, so remember to say "pika" before you sneeze

and if you forget, just say "bacca" after!

My hayfever makes me sneeze like my dairy intolerance makes me fart.

I hate my analogies.

Why don't dead people sneeze?

Because they're too busy coffin.

What’s the collective noun for sneezes?

A choo.

Did you hear about the documentary claiming the twin towers were brought down by a large sneeze?

Gesundheit 9/11.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.