This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

If you fart and sneeze at the same time...

your body will capture a screenshot

Why did the poet sneeze?

Because he had analogy.

What do you call it when you sneeze with a dip (tobacco) in?

An ah chew.

Came up with that myself hope you enjoy.

What looks like a nut and sounds like a sneeze?

Cashew

A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, an...

A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They’re calling the “mass achoo sits”.

What do you call the peak of a sneeze?

a pikachu

(for the slow: peak - atchoo)

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Did you hear about the documentary claiming the twin towers were brought down by a large sneeze?

Gesundheit 9/11.

Two blind men walk into a bar

One of them sneezes and the other one says : Hey can you open up a can of coke for me too

What sound does meat make when it sneezes?

Au jus!

What sound do nuts make when they sneeze?

“Cash-ew”

;) *wink wonk* I dont know how I came up with that one

What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze?

A Jew

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sneezes on a plane

A man sneezes on a plane. He takes his dick out and wipes it non-chalantly before putting it away and goes back to reading his book. His female seatmate notices but doesn't want to say anything

5 minutes later he sneezes once more. Again, he pulls his dick out, wipes it clean and puts it back...

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

I think my 6 month old is trying to learn to sneeze.

He just lays in his crib for hours going, "AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". He hasn't quite figured the "CHOO" part out yet. He's such a cutie.

I hate people who don’t cover their noses and mouths when they sneeze.

They make me sick.

What do you call a full body sneeze?

A sneezure.

Someone sneezes during Stalin's speech.

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?"
Silence.
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?"
No answer.
"Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too.
"Well, who s...

What do you say when a kazoo sneezes?

Kazoontite

(My 9yo came up with this)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor because he orgasms every time he sneezes.

The doctor says, "Well, what are you doing for this?"
The man says, "Me? Well, I've been sniffing pepper."

What state would expect to see a priest pray, sneeze and sit down

Massachusetts

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Sh...

It's allergy season upon us, so remember to say "pika" before you sneeze

and if you forget, just say "bacca" after!

My hayfever makes me sneeze like my dairy intolerance makes me fart.

I hate my analogies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say when you sneeze it's ten percent of an orgasm

That's why I sniff pepper during sex, so I can give it one hundred and ten percent

Where is The worst place to sneeze?

In hell. There nobody can bless you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.

Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out th...

What’s the collective noun for sneezes?

A choo.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The...

What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

A group of satanists have a meeting when one sneezes.

Then it got really awkward when someone said "God bless you."

What do sneeze attacks and runners both have?

Tennis shoes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man on the plane sneezes, and then wipes his dick with a tissue

The situation happens couple times more, when one of the passengers eventually reports the man to a flight attendant.

The flight attendant approaches the man and says:
- Sir, people are complaining about your behavior. You need to stop this.
- Oh, I'm really sorry, but I have th...

Someone sneezes during a communist party meeting.

Stalin jumps up and shouts "Who just sneezed?" But nobody answers him, as the party members know his wrath and quickness to act all to well.

Soon Stalin pulls out his pistol and takes a shot, killing a random party member instantly. "Who sneezed, damn you all!" Yet still there is no answer...

Why don't dead people sneeze?

Because they're too busy coffin.

Every time I come up with a new metaphor it makes me sneeze.

It really sets off my analogies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke my russian friend told...

So stalin was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers... One soldier then sneezes in the middle of stalin's speech. Stalin stops, looks around and asks: "who sneezed?" there was no answer.... he asks again and sure enough no one answered - Stalin is now pissed, he doesn't like being ignor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Woman has an orgasm everytime she sneezes.

Her friend is worried and asks,
"What do you take for it?"
She says,
"Pepper."

What do you get when an elephant sneezes?

Out of the way!

I just heard God sneeze.

And I have no idea what to say to him.

People think they're being polite when they sneeze into their sleeves, but really

it' snot

How does Hitler sneeze?

**a-jew* *

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend said that a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm.

"That's a bullshit myth," I said.

"Prove it," she replied.

After sneezing ten times I said, "See? I'm still awake and you're not pregnant."

Guess what is the perfect time to sneeze...

At-CHOO O'clock....

Why did Scottish baby sneeze?

It got week old.

What do you say when God sneezes?

Go bless yourself.

How does the Black Knight sneeze?

"Have-at-choo!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?"

The woman replies, "Sniffing pepper."

A man sneezes on the subway who clearly has a cold.

The man next to him says in a disgusted tone, "people like you make me sick."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman sneezes on an airplane

A man sitting next to a woman on an airplane noticed that everytime she sneezed she had a big smile on her face. After several times he finally built the nerve to ask:
"Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice everytime you sneeze you smile. Why is that?"
"Well", she said, "everytime I sneeze I h...

What would you name someone who can predict when people sneeze?

Nostrildamus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Woman has an orgasm every time she sneezes..

When she tells he friend of her condition, they ask if she is going to see the doctor for it?. Woman says "no I'm trying a home remedy."

"Oh, what is that?"

"Pepper"

What is the hardest part of being an atheist?

Staying quiet when someone sneezes.

What's the fastest way to clear a room full of Anti-Vaxers..?

Sneeze.

A wife is visiting her husband in a nursing home.

He sneezes, and for the first time in his life, covers his mouth with his hand. “I’m so proud of you,” his wife says. “You finally learned to put your hand in front of your mouth after all these years.”

“Of course I have,” her husband replies. “How else am I going to catch my teeth?”

A muscle cell walks into a bar

Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"

What do you call pasta with a cold?

Macaroni and sneeze

Was told to me by my 3 year old

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant

and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reache...

Did you know that non vaxxed kids had super abilities?

Their bodies are way more sensible to environmental exposure, and they can hear a sneeze from miles away.

A guy, today, told me to count my blessings,

But I didn’t have to sneeze.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gesundheit

So a man boards a plane and finds his seat next to a young woman. They both exchange smiles as the flight gets under way. A few minutes into the flight, the man sneezes. He then proceeds to undo his zipper, take out his dick, wipe the tip, and put it away. A short time passes and he sneezes again. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Stalin joke

Stalin, the glorious leader, is giving a speech to his comrades.

Then, in the crowds of people, someone sneezes, interrupting his speech.

This pisses him off.

“Who sneezed?!” He yells into the terrified crowd

No one answers

So he orders the first row of people sho...

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water would make them sneeze

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny uses the word Contagious in a sentence.

A teacher gives her kids an assignment. Use the word contagious in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow.
The next day all the kids are raising their hand.
The teacher calls on little Susie.
Little Susie, my little brother has the flue and if he sneezes on me I wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?

Because pepperwater makes them sneeze

A 14 y/o girl decides to try drugs.

So she created a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. She didn't have any cool friends with real drugs so she tried to smoke oregano, but found it hurt her throat. Next she tried black pepper in the bong but it made her sneeze. She experimented with ground Ginger but the smoke made her eyes...

I have a medical condition where I’m allergic to only one type of pasta

It’s called macaroni and sneeze

Little Johnny Back At It

Little Johnny is in class, and they are working in vocabulary.

Miss Jones asks the class "Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?"

Little Mary shoots her hand up in the air, as does Little Johnny. Miss Jones has heard a lot of jokes, so of course she calls Little Mary first...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The nymphomaniac

The nymphomaniac said to her friend "I've got an odd problem -- every time I sneeze, I have a incredible orgasm."


Her friend asks "What are you taking for it?"


"Sniffing pepper" The Nympho replies

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."


"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."


"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your ...

A Russian Joke.

Stalin is giving a speech when he hears someone sneeze. He stops mid-sentence and asks the first row, "who sneezed?"

Nobody answers.

Stalin executes the first row. Now, everyone is getting nervous.

Stalin addresses the second row. "Who sneezed?" he asks, becoming visibly upset....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Seahorse joke

Why do seahorses live in saltwater?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

A man walks into a buffet...

He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a tissue and raise...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting together on an airplane.

The man sneezes, pulls out his dick, and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his dick and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude p...

A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speec...

A wolf, a lion and a little pig are having a discussion

The wolf proudly says : I am the scariest animal of the woods. When I howl, you can hear me from miles away and it will send a shiver down your spine.

The lion smirks and says : do you think THAT is scary, little wolf? I am the true king of the jungle ánd the most scary. When I roar, all the ...

Teacher: Ok class, can anyone tell me what 'analogy' is?

Student: Analogy is something that makes you sneeze.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A neurologist is running late...

"I have a condition that gives me a seizure whenever I get dizzy," one of them says, hoping to break the ice with another bored patient.

"Are you taking anything for it?" she asks.

"Oh yes, anti-epileptics and Dramamine."

After a long silence, she sheepishly adds: "I hav...

Stalin is giving a speech ...

All of a sudden, someone sneezes. He stops talking.

"Who sneezed ?"

Silence. Everyone is looking at their feet.

"Who sneezed ? If you don't answer, I'll gun down the front row."

Nobody speaks. He gives an order, and the entire front row is executed.

"Who sneezed ?"...

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