UPJOKE
sniffleairsneezingreflexnosesternutationallergyexhalesnortdustmucosacoughsnatiationcoldsflu

Sneeze Jokes

What did the nut say when it sneezed?

Ca-shew!

I accidentally said “Gazuntite” after my crush sneezed.

Now she’s staring at the bushes wondering who said that.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady on the bus next to me this morning was sneezing, about every 3 minutes...

Each time she sneezed, her eyes rolled back, she gave a moan and shuddered.
Curiosity got the better of me after about 15 minutes, so I asked her if she was alright. She said, "Yes". Then she explained she had a very rare condition, whereby every time she sneezed, she had an orgasm!
I asked if...

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a nazi say when someone sneezes?

WHERE?

Someone just called me, sneezed and hung up.

God, I hate cold callers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sneezing orgasm.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue,...

Pretty women sneezes

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her...

I was at a local bar, when a woman a few feet away from me sneezed.

Her glass eye came out, bounced once on the bar, and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you.

She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and an amazing smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me.

As she's getting ready to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say a sneeze is equal to 1/16th of an orgasm

If that’s true, it horrifies me to imagine the sound my father makes when he nuts

FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time

Your body takes a screenshot

My wife asked me why I always have to sneeze so loudly.

I told her, it’s not that I HAVE to….

Achoos to

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a plane when the man next to me sneezed, and wiped his knob with a napkin.

I was dumbfounded, but didn't want to make a fuss so I let it go, hoping it just wouldn't happen again. Ten minutes later, the same again: the man sneezed and wiped his knob with a napkin. I was disturbed but decided it must be something medical, so again decided to leave it alone. The third time it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctor. “Please help. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The doctor says “are you taking anything for it?”

The woman says “Yes. Pepper.”

What did Julius Caesar say when he sneezed?

"Ah-choo, Brute!"

What did the tilted square say when it sneezed?

Askew

*Joke courtesy my 10YO child*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stalin is giving a big public speech...

... and someone sneezes. Stalin says, "Who sneezed?" Nobody says anything. He looks at a couple of his goons and jerks his head towards the audience. They go pull some random guy out of the crowd and shoot him. Stalin again asks who sneezed. This meek little guy that sneezed can't take it, and steps...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said that a sneeze is 1/10th of an orgasm.

"That's a bullshit myth," I said.

"Prove it," she replied.

After sneezing ten times I said, "See? I'm still awake and you're not pregnant."

Which Pokémon does the best sneezes?

Pikachu

I went to confession, knelt and said: “Bless me father for I have sinned.” Just then, I sneezed.

He said “bless you my son” so I got up and left.

How does a nut sneeze?

They go, "Caaa-shew!"

I met god and he sneezed.

I didn't know what to say.

Someone called me and sneezed and then ended the call

I’m tired of all these cold calls!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on an aeroplane.

The woman sneezes and right after she is done she shudders and moans.

The man asks,"Are you alright? Because the sneezing seems normal but the shuddering and shivers... Not very much."

The woman replies,"Oh yeah, I have this rare condition where I orgasm every time sneeze."

\-"T...

Where do Incans go to sneeze?

Achoo Picchu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new sexy neighbour just sneezed,

so by instinct and good manners I said bless you.

She said thanks, but looked a little confused that her wardrobe was talking to her!

An unknown number called me, sneezed and coughed a few times and then hung up.

I'm getting tired of all these cold calls.

What is a sneeze’s favorite mode of transportation?

Ah-choo choo train

What bacon makes you sneeze?

Peppa Pig

A man sneezes in a confessional.

Priest: ...

Man: "bless me father for I have sneezed"

Priest: \*trying not to chuckle\*

Man: \*tries to explain he didn't know he was sick\* ... "it has been 6 weeks since my last congestion"

During Stalin's speech, someone has sneezed

During Stalin's speech, someone has sneezed.
-Who sneezed? Stalin asks.

Nobody has answered.

-Shoot the first row!

So it happened. After the applause has ceased, Stalin continues to ask:

-Who sneezed?

Nobody confessed.

-Shoot the second row!

Applau...

How do clocks sneeze?

Watch-oo!

What do you say when your pets sneeze?

Dogblessyou! Catsundheit!

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Sh...

How do neckbeards sneeze?

Ack-CHOO-ally

Why don't dead people sneeze?

Because they're too busy coffin.

Just curious, if you sneeze in a monastery

Do the priests say "Bless You"?

Or do they just do it?

Sneeze , cough

After 2019-

Someone sneezes.
Me: "Bless you".

Someone coughs.
Me: "Bless me".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my russian friend told...

So stalin was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers... One soldier then sneezes in the middle of stalin's speech. Stalin stops, looks around and asks: "who sneezed?" there was no answer.... he asks again and sure enough no one answered - Stalin is now pissed, he doesn't like being ignor...

What type of mineral makes people sneeze?

Gesundhite

I just sneezed while eating alphabet soup...

...took the words right out of my mouth.

Sneezing girl

I was in my 4th grade glass sitting next to this girl, all of a sudden she produces a loud sneeze.

**ACHOOOOOO**

The whole class was silent, the teacher quietly asked if she needed a tissue

My friend notices a gooey substance dripping from her hand.

*Friend:* **Ewww are t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sneezes on a plane

A man sneezes on a plane. He takes his dick out and wipes it non-chalantly before putting it away and goes back to reading his book. His female seatmate notices but doesn't want to say anything

5 minutes later he sneezes once more. Again, he pulls his dick out, wipes it clean and puts it back...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sound does a Japanese poet make when they sneeze?

“Haiku!!”

a Frenchman sneezed paint onto a canvas

He showed it to a friend, who was astounded.

“Who’s responsible for this remarkable piece of work?”

The Frenchman smiled and said, “Mon nez”

How do Germans sneeze?

Achtung

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

I've been accused of lying about how much snot comes out of my nose when I sneeze.

They always say I'm blowing it out of proportion

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.