My friend has this strange condition that makes him sneeze whenever someone greets him.

He reckons it's Heyfever.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, an...

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What is the difference between an orgasm and a sneeze?

Nothing. The priest says bless you after both.

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I sneezed so hard I farted.

Nobody could hear it because of the sneeze. And I thought “sometimes things work out”. Then I realized I'd shit my pants.

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What does a nazi say when someone sneezes?

WHERE?

Did you know if you fart and sneeze at the same time

Your body takes a screenshot

A funeral home owner has COVID and sneezes on everyone he sees.

Me: What the hell are you doing?!

Owner: Marketing

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Whenever I’m about to sneeze with food in my mouth, I always have existential conversation about whither I should chew the food or sneeze it out.

I end up doing the same thing every fucking time:

I chew.

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

What do you call a COVID19 + person's sneeze?

Coronal Mass Ejection! ^Astr^ono^my

If you sneeze on a calculator when you're doing a multiplication equation inside of your house, do you now have a Gross Domestic Product?

*sorry I know I tried way too hard with this lol*

What happens when a cop sneezes in bed?

They blow their cover

So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at a college. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got...

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.

I was at a local bar last night when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed

I was at a local bar when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it.

I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dre...

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?

Cashew.

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

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Sneezes just went from bless you to fuck you real quick.

Achoo.

What's made of leather and sounds like two sneezes?

A shoe!

One that's thrown atchoo!

What did the Redditor say to the man who sneezed on him?

Edit: Thanks for the cold kind stranger!

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So on a flight, there is a woman who is sneezing.

Now see, this woman is sneezing very vigorously. Eventually, a man leans over and asks ‘what’s wrong?’
The woman replies, ‘I have a very rare condition wherein every time I sneeze I orgasm.’
The man replies, ‘oh why that sounds terrible! What medication are you taking for it?’
The woman smi...

So countries are basically competing to most effectively manage a virus that makes people cough and sneeze. Does that make this...

A Cold War?

A man sneezed in Lithuania

And everyone responded: "You're welcome".

What did the sneaker say when it sneezed?

A shoe

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

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Bless you

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tiss...

How do Germans sneeze?

Achtung

There’s a nut in the cashew family that makes you sneeze...

They call it a blessew.

Sneeze , cough

After 2019-

Someone sneezes.
Me: "Bless you".

Someone coughs.
Me: "Bless me".

What do sneezes and kids afraid of numbers have in common?

Ahhhh twoooo!

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A woman was sitting next to a man on a plane who kept sneezing and then shaking violently for several seconds thereafter.

After awhile, she got curious and asked, "are you feeling okay? I've noticed that you shake a lot after each sneeze."

The man said, "yes, I just have a condition where whenever I sneeze I have an intense orgasm."

The woman said, "oh, my! I can see how that could be very inconvenient....

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A very rich, yet stingy businessman had symptoms of corona...

He decided to get himself tested and went to the clinic.

After he returned from the clinic he saw few calls from his business partner. So he called him back.

His business partner picked up. he sounded worried, "Hey I've been trying to reach you! You didn't pick up so I called your home...

What did people say when the mummy sneezed?

Curse you!

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Masks

I saw someone yesterday take off their mask to sneeze into the air and then put the mask back on.

That's like wearing a condom during sex and then taking it off just before you cum inside.

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Some asshole on the bus just sneezed in my face

I'm now feeling kinda ill

A man who sneezes without a tissue

takes matter into his own hands.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

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I got tired of being the polite Canadian in the group that always says "Excuse me" when he burps sneezes or yawns, so I've been trying out something a little different. Now it's "Achoo!...

, Fuck You!"

...and New Yorkers have been treating me way better.

What do you call a student who sneezes in a class full of unvaccinated children?

A terrorist.

How many sneezes does a person experience in a day?

A-Few!

What do you call it when you sneeze with a dip (tobacco) in?

An ah chew.

Came up with that myself hope you enjoy.

Sneezing girl

I was in my 4th grade glass sitting next to this girl, all of a sudden she produces a loud sneeze.

**ACHOOOOOO**

The whole class was silent, the teacher quietly asked if she needed a tissue

My friend notices a gooey substance dripping from her hand.

*Friend:* **Ewww are t...

Dan went to the doctors office

He asked: Doctor, how much for the Corona test
Doctor: 150$
Dan sneezed on the doctors face and said:
Go get your test, if you are positive that means i am too"

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Bob’s flight

Bob is on his flight home from a long business trip.

He’s thankful to find the middle seat will be open for the upcoming 5 hour trip.

About 30 minutes after take off, he notices the man in the window seat sneeze and then proceed to take a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe off the he...

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My sister is becoming a real jerk

With everything that's been happening in society, my sister Sharon has become a real jerk. The other day she intentionally sneezed on some produce at the grocery store. And just yesterday she called the police on a black guy who was minding his own business. I asked my mom, "why is Sharon being s...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

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Scientists have discovered that when you sneeze the sensation is 1/16 of an orgasm.

Which is why I leave a pot of pepper on my wife’s bedside, because she at least deserves *something*

A man without insurance went to get a COVID test done

He met a friend on his way back

Friend: Where you headed?
Man: Coming back from doctor's clinic. Was there to get COVID test done?
Friend: Oh, how did it go?
Man: The doctor asked for $10,000 for the test since I didn't have insurance.
Friend: So?
Man: I sneezed on th...

I think my 6 month old is trying to learn to sneeze.

He just lays in his crib for hours going, "AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". He hasn't quite figured the "CHOO" part out yet. He's such a cutie.

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NSFW? This may be a old one. I have not seen my uncle for 5 months.

When I saw him, he told me “researchers have discovered why people were hoarding all the toilet paper. It was due to whenever someone sneezed or coughed, 10 other people shit their pants.”

They tell us to tap elbows instead of shaking hands.

Then they tell us to sneeze into our elbows.

Why do sharks live in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze

Ronald finally landed a job as a school bus driver.

He was assigned a rural route on a long road called Sesame Street.

At the first stop, there were two very portly girls. “I’m Patty and this is my cousin Patty” one of the two girls announced as they made their way to the back of the bus.

At the next stop there was a tiny boy waiting....

Why did the poet sneeze?

Because he had analogy.

What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze?

A Jew

A man with the 'Rona disease

A man with the 'Rona disease
Threw caution and care to the breeze
No mask with his kin
He did them all in
With a sniffle a cough and a sneeze.

They say coronavirus came from China.

I am not buying it, no one can sneeze that hard.

Ok, here's a really bad one

This one I've herd visiting Kiev before the shutdown:

The guy walks in a brothel and asks a hostess:
- Hi, I need a girl
- Ok, it's 50$ for 1 hour
- I don't have that much, do you have anything for 10$?
- Yes, let's go outside

They go around the brothel, a hostess places a ...

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A girl came in the doctors office and said

You have to help me, each time I sneeze I have an orgasm. How long have you suffered from this? I don’t actually suffer as such ...
Well then are you taking anything for it?
Not unless you count the pepper.....

I sneezed in front of my stuttering friend and said, "man, my sinuses are on fire".

"i-i-is i-i-it an-an-allergy?" he asked

I said, "no, it's a metaphor".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm. What do you suggest?"

"Pepper."

I hate people who don’t cover their noses and mouths when they sneeze.

They make me sick.

What do you say when a kazoo sneezes?

Kazoontite

(My 9yo came up with this)

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

Someone sneezes during Stalin's speech.

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?"
Silence.
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?"
No answer.
"Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too.
"Well, who s...

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

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A man goes to the doctor because he orgasms every time he sneezes.

The doctor says, "Well, what are you doing for this?"
The man says, "Me? Well, I've been sniffing pepper."

What state would expect to see a priest pray, sneeze and sit down

Massachusetts

Where is The worst place to sneeze?

In hell. There nobody can bless you

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A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They’re calling the “mass achoo sits”.

What do you call the peak of a sneeze?

a pikachu

(for the slow: peak - atchoo)

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the pro...

I just sneezed while eating alphabet soup...

...took the words right out of my mouth.

Stalin went to a little meeting in a village near Moscow.

He discussed the new plan that will greatly increase the production in that region. He was in the middle of his speech when suddenly he heard someone sneeze. Stalin took that as an act of disrespect.

"Who did that?" he asked, but since people were scared, no one replied.

He looked at h...

It's allergy season upon us, so remember to say "pika" before you sneeze

and if you forget, just say "bacca" after!

What’s the collective noun for sneezes?

A choo.

Maybe some can relate

Those of us that are so self conscious that we have trained ourselves to silence our sneezes, well......we're feeling pretty smug about now.

I sneezed and my kids laughed

I yelled "you think it's funny but it's snot".

Did you hear about the documentary claiming the twin towers were brought down by a large sneeze?

Gesundheit 9/11.

My hayfever makes me sneeze like my dairy intolerance makes me fart.

I hate my analogies.

Stalin is at the Communist Party Congress

Stalin is at the Communist Party Congress. A member sneezes.

Stalin asks loudly: "Who sneezed, comrades?"

Scared, nobody responds.

Stalin asks again : "Come one, comrades, who sneezed?"

Because nobody responds, Stalin takes out his gun and shoots a random member and asks...

His name is josh

Person 1: *sneezes*
Person 2: bless you.
Person 1: thank you.
Person 2: you’re welcome.
Person 1: no, I’m josh.

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They say when you sneeze it's ten percent of an orgasm

That's why I sniff pepper during sex, so I can give it one hundred and ten percent

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