Before Corona Virus,I used to cough to cover a fart

Now I fart to cover a cough.

Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing?

It was a bronchitisaurus.

To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.

You make me sick.

What do you call it when someone coughs or sneezes in 2020?

A coronal mass ejection

The Pope gets Covid-19 and has a dry cough so he is rushed to the hospital on a gurney by two doctors “Am I in Heaven” asks the fatigued priest

“No” says one of the doctors “we’re just taking a shortcut through the children’s ward”

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

I told my doctor i had a wee cough

He said: that's nice, have you anything planned?

Me: Boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough

Boss: I'll give you a week off then

Me: Two wee coughs??? I can't afford to miss that much work!

So countries are basically competing to most effectively manage a virus that makes people cough and sneeze. Does that make this...

A Cold War?

What did the Redditor say when someone coughed near them?

Thanks for the cold, kind stranger

Seen at the dispensary today....If you have to cough, please do it far away. Otherwise you may be asked

To far cough

I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter.

Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away...

So when you hear someone coughing tell him to, "Far Cough!"

Sneeze , cough

After 2019-

Someone sneezes.
Me: "Bless you".

Someone coughs.
Me: "Bless me".

A man is coughing immensely in a packed train.

Others are looking worried about it, and one of the passengers asks:
"Excuse me, do you have coronavirus?"
"No sir, I'm diagnosed with overt tuberculosis."
"Thank God", the others sigh in relief.

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

I'm running a low fever and have a slight, dry cough. But don't worry

It's just Corona Lite.

Never gonna shop, give it up, such a dirty hand I always cover up, for the cough of the older kind My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!

M-m-m-m-my Corona!

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

It's been a great week for my coughing fetish...

but it's a fever that gets me really hot.

"I don't want to go to the hospital! I don't cough, I don't have fever..."

"You have to go. You work there!"

What happens if the Queen of England starts coughing?

Prince Charles Corona-tion.

I've been coughing and sneezing all day and now I can't stop singing old Frank Sinatra songs.

I think I've got crooner virus.

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

If someone starts a conversation you don't want to hear, just start coughing

They'll clear out fast.

I saw a guy with a turban coughing his brains out

I think he might be Sikh

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

An older man with a touch of dementia wobbles into a Catholic Church, sits down in the confessional booth, but doesn't utter a word. The Priest coughs, hoping to get a response. But the older man just sits and says nothing. Finally the Priest raps his knuckles three times on the screen.

The older guy mumbles, "Don't bother knocking, pal. There's no paper over here either.”

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.

As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

I went to see a Chinese hip hop group and they were great, but they kept coughing on stage.

They were the Wuhan Clan.

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

So I was talking to my friend one day and I coughed.

He was shocked and his voice shook. "Do you h-h-have the v-v-virus?" he asked me.

I said, "Bro chill, we're on the phone."

It was a cough, that carried him off

It was a coffin, they carried him off in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help....

Have you heard about the social media stars who are coughing and sick?

They're Instagram Influenzas

They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer...

*coughs*

What do you call a Facebook mom who coughs at her unvaccinated child?

A social media influenzer

Why did the pony need cough syrup?

His throat was a little horse.

Why does the doctor make you turn your head and cough?

So you don't cough on the doctor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

Why did Ms. Piggy cough?

She had a little frog in her throat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Joke from my 6 yo) Did you hear about the pony with a cough?

He was a little hoarse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I coughed so hard my balls hurt.

I asked the person next to me if that's ever happened to them, and my mom was like "no."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hillbillies from Alabama are sitting at a bar

There are three young, beautiful women sitting at a table near them. Suddenly, one of the woman stands up and starts choking on her food. Thinking quickly, one of the hillbillies runs over, pulls down her skirt, and gives her a lick on the right buttcheek. The woman is so shocked she coughs up the f...

what do you call an artist during a global pandemic?

Vincent Van Cough

My dogs are sick

You could say that they have a woofing cough

Cough medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the vegan eat packaged meat?

It was safer than the kale that asshole teens coughed on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a farmer. I work in southeast Michigan.

While hauling around a bag of manure to fertilize my crops, a cop came up to me.

He asked, "What's that?"

I reply, "Manure."

"Why are you carrying manure?"

"I'm using it to fertilize my crops."

"Do you have a license for that manure?"

"Why would I need ...

A man was coughing all day long and decided to go and see a doctor

So the man arrives at the doctor and explains the problem.

The doctor accidentally gave him laxative instead of coughing syrup but the man already left.

So a couple days later the man comes back for chek-up and the doctor asks: " alright, are you still coughing?"

The man replies...

What kind of cough drops do pigs take?

Reeeeeecola

Roses are red, I've got a bad cough

Settings -> Notifications -> Trending -> **OFF**

A poem for our times...

It's not the cough that carries you off. It's the coffin they carry you off in.

LifeProTip: If you have a bad cough.

Take a large dose of laxatives... then you'll be too scared to cough.

The quickest way to get a Covid-19 test in the US

Cough on a rich person and wait for their results.

You know what joke isn't funny anymore?

\*cough* this one \*cough*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Easter Sunday; Jesus comes back to Earth...

*Coughs through a hole in his hand*

Jesus: “Holy shit...My bad....”

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

My Potato has been coughing terribly

I think it has Tuberculosis.

An old farmer goes to the doctor for chronic coughing

The doctor took a perfunctory look at the farmer and tsked. "Just one cigarette a day from now on!" he told the farmer.

Six months later the farmer comes back looking absolutely terrible. "I told you one cigarette a day," the doctor said. "Have you been taking my advice?"

The farmer re...

I bought my wife some cough syrup today,

For my ears.

A pharmacist arrived to his drugstore when he see a man on the ground moaning lightly.

So the pharmacist goes in his store and ask his assistant if she took care of the guy outside. She explains him that he had a bad cough but there was no more cough mixture.
Pharmacist: What did you tell him?
Assistant: I gave him a bottle of laxative and tell him it was cough mixture and he dr...

How do you instantly break up an anti-quarantine rally?

Cough.

A man dies and goes to hell.

There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one.

First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been trying to understand all the toilet paper panic buying.

I think I got it.
One guy coughs and a 100 people lose their shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Hillbillies Have Lunch

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks...

Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.

Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."

New Salesman

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best ...

If the wait is too long when you're standing in a queue

Just cough loudly and say "Damn ! it's getting worse since I got back from China"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

How you stop a break-in?

With a warning cough at the top of the stairs.

Something for that cough

The pharmacist needed a short break from the register so he left his son in charge: “just put on the coat and act like you know what you are doing. Ring up the sales as listed. What ever you do, DO NOT give anyone advice. I’ll be back soon”

After a few minutes, a man approached the “pharmac...

My wife says she coughs up a bunch of phlegm every morning.

I told her that's snot, ladylike.

The man who invented the cough drop passed away last week

He decided not to have a coffin at his funeral

My friend woke up this morning coughing badly

I think he may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.

I’ve noticed that my friends have been quite distant lately

*cough*

Seeking Legal Advice

If you're 70 and your husband coughs and you shoot him...can you claim self defense?

\#covid-19

What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.

Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

Remember when Bugs Bunny shot someone because he wouldn't stop coughing?

He did not carrot all.

What is coronavirus’ favorite drink?

Cough-E

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a doctor....

He says I don't know if my wife has TB or VD. The doctor says Chase her around the bed. If she coughs, fuck her.

—Gilbert Godfried

I caught the flu in Madrid

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick?" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor u...

After a check-up routine in the quarantine facility one morning,

a doctor notices one of the patients unusually calm and calls the nurse in charge.

Doctor: "That patient in the corner is recovering now, isn't he?"

Nurse: "Why do you say so doc? His temperature isn't that encouraging."

Doctor: "He is neither coughing nor sneezing anymore."
...

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

C-19

In this perilous time, we need to stay vigilant in order to avoid infection


It’s most important that people don’t cough near you, they MUST be FAR


If someone happens to cough near you, politely tell them to


FAR COUGH

How to speak Italian

Credit to my 8 year old daughter.

"Hey, Dad. Want to hear me speak Italian?"

"Sure!"

*cough cough*

With everyone being so scared of COVID-19, robbing banks should be easier.

Take it from me, I robbed one yesterday, and I didn’t even have to bring a gun, I just threatened to cough on them.

Why does Loki buy cough drops?

He doesn’t want to get a Thor throat

When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever."

He's a man of flu words.

Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China

There's also the Wu Ping cough.

What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?

A cough-y drinker.

Doctor... "I see your cough is getting better"

Patient ...." Yes, I've been practicing all night"

Last minute survey

They surveyed people about what's more tolerable in an elevator. A fart or a cough. By overwhelming majority the fart is winning 95% to 4%. The last 1% are afraid of elevators.

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