UPJOKE
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A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart.

Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

What do androids take when they have a cough?

Robotussin.

Cure for coughing

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best ...

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What do you call a pony with a cough?

A little hoarse.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

A man goes to see the doctor about a serious cough…

The doctor examines him, runs some tests, and leaves the room. A few minutes later, the doctor returns.

“I’ve got some bad news for you,” the doctor says. “You don’t have much longer to live.”

“Oh my god,” the man replies. “How much time do I have?”

The doctor says, “Ten.”
...

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I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough

I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

Cough, Rough, Though, Through.

Why don't these words rhyme, yet pony and bologna do?

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.

But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

Why couldn't Princess Peach stop coughing?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

The inventor of Halls Cough Drops died last night.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.

The man who invented the cough drop passed away last week

He decided not to have a coffin at his funeral

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Nowadays, coughing is like masturbation

Thanks to covid, you better do that shit in the privacy of your own home

In the olden days, we would often cough to cover up a fart

Post-pandemic, it's now better to cover up a cough by farting

It's not the cough that'll carry you off

It's the coffin they carry you off in

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

People who cough loudly don't go to the doctor...

They go to the cinemas.

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away...

So when you hear someone coughing tell him to, "Far Cough!"

Why was Traffic Man often coughing while capturing villains?

Because he was always congested.

To the people who don't cover their mouths when they cough.

You make me sick.

Why did Ms. Piggy cough?

She had a little frog in her throat.

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A man was sitting next to a woman on an airplane who after everytime she coughed she would loudly moan

After the 3rd time the man asked the woman if she was ok.

The woman responsed that she had a condition where after every time she coughed she would have an orgasm.

The man said that's terrible and asked the woman if she was taking anything for it.

The woman responsed just pepp...

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire ...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

What did the ghost say as he coughed up fog?

Don't worry guys, it's just miasma!

A chemist walks into the store he owns...

and he sees a man, leaning up against a wall near the counter.


"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.


"He needed a bottle of cough syrup," explains the assistant, "but I couldn't find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead."


"WHAT?" bellows ...

You ever cough in the morning...

... and can taste all the bad choices you made the night before?

Why did the potato cough up blood?

Because it had tuber-culosis

Something for that cough

The pharmacist needed a short break from the register so he left his son in charge: “just put on the coat and act like you know what you are doing. Ring up the sales as listed. What ever you do, DO NOT give anyone advice. I’ll be back soon”

After a few minutes, a man approached the “pharmac...

An unknown number called me, sneezed and coughed a few times and then hung up.

I'm getting tired of all these cold calls.

A woman can’t stop coughing and decides to see a doctor

After examining her, the doctor gives her a pill to swallow.

“What was that?”, she asks.

“A very powerful laxative…*now* try coughing!”

Last night I was laying in bed naked with my girlfriend when she started to cough.

She told me she might need to get tested for Covid.

I pulled the covers over her head, then I farted.

She goes "ewwww, that stinks. Oh my God I can taste it!!!".

Then I pulled the covers off of her and said "Congratulations. You don't have Covid".

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Gurgle, gurgle, cough spew

A pharmacist shows up to work one day

and he sees a guy standing by an endcap, holding onto it, and looks in pretty bad shape. Just then the stock boy comes by so the pharmacist asks him what's with the guy. Stock boy says that he came in for a cough but he didn't know where the cough medicine was so he gave him laxative. The pharmacist...

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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A man tries to clean his fake eye by licking it, but accidentally swallows it. He goes to the doctor in utter constipation seeking help.

The doctor tells the patient to bend over and cough, and promptly faints.

When he comes to, the nurse asks him what happened. "|'ve looked at quite a few arseholes in my practice" said the doctor, "first time ever an arsehole looked back!".

Sneeze , cough

After 2019-

Someone sneezes.
Me: "Bless you".

Someone coughs.
Me: "Bless me".

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

*Cough*

I have a friend who died from one of those. It was under his neighbor's wife's bed.

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You ever poop and cough at the same time?

That shit hurts.

Why did the pony need cough syrup?

His throat was a little horse.

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing?

It was a bronchitisaurus.

I had to cough in a public place today

I tried to cover it with a fart

They always say „it’s not the cough that carries you off“

It’s the coffin they Carrie you off in.

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"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

I told my doctor i had a wee cough

He said: that's nice, have you anything planned?

A man is coughing immensely in a packed train.

Others are looking worried about it, and one of the passengers asks:
"Excuse me, do you have coronavirus?"
"No sir, I'm diagnosed with overt tuberculosis."
"Thank God", the others sigh in relief.

Why does Loki buy cough drops?

He doesn’t want to get a Thor throat

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They don't say bless you when you cough anymore

I miss those days when people would say "Bless you" when you sneeze.
Now they just say. "Get the fuck away from me."

What happens if the Queen of England starts coughing?

Prince Charles Corona-tion.

A sick Australian ornithologist was 60 feet up a tree, engrossed in two Jackdaws performing a convoluted mating dance in defiance of all known observations of the species, when he had a sudden coughing fit.

They say he died of corvid complications.

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head ...

So Joe had a bad cough.

It was the worst cough of his life. He couldn't get anything done since all he could do was cough uncontrollably. So he decided to go to the doctor.

"Doc, you gotta help me," Joe said. "I just can't seem to stop coughing."

"Oh my, oh my, you poor thing," the doctor exclaimed. "I'll pre...

Roses are red, I've got a bad cough

Settings -> Notifications -> Trending -> **OFF**

Cough medicine.

A pharmacist is about to take a lunch break and he says to his assistant, "I'll be back in an hour, keep an eye on things".
Upon his return, he notices a man outside the pharmacy, standing against the wall, clutching his abdomen, obviously in some pretty serious discomfort.
He continues in...

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I coughed so hard my balls hurt.

I asked the person next to me if that's ever happened to them, and my mom was like "no."

My Potato has been coughing terribly

I think it has Tuberculosis.

Doctor... "I see your cough is getting better"

Patient ...." Yes, I've been practicing all night"

Why does the doctor make you turn your head and cough?

So you don't cough on the doctor

My friend woke up this morning coughing badly

I think he may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

An old farmer goes to the doctor for chronic coughing

The doctor took a perfunctory look at the farmer and tsked. "Just one cigarette a day from now on!" he told the farmer.

Six months later the farmer comes back looking absolutely terrible. "I told you one cigarette a day," the doctor said. "Have you been taking my advice?"

The farmer re...

A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint.

The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.

To the guy who coughed on me on the subway...

Edit: Thanks for the cold kind stranger!

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

What kind of cough drops do pigs take?

Reeeeeecola

What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker?

They both take away the coffin.

I saw a guy with a turban coughing his brains out

I think he might be Sikh

I'm running a low fever and have a slight, dry cough. But don't worry

It's just Corona Lite.

Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...

When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever."

He's a man of flu words.

A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.


One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for anothe...

So I was talking to my friend one day and I coughed.

He was shocked and his voice shook. "Do you h-h-have the v-v-virus?" he asked me.

I said, "Bro chill, we're on the phone."

I had a cough like that once...

I didn't kick the bucket, I was just a little pail!

Why do cannibals cough so much when eating hands?

They get a tickle in their throat

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

If someone starts a conversation you don't want to hear, just start coughing

They'll clear out fast.

"I don't want to go to the hospital! I don't cough, I don't have fever..."

"You have to go. You work there!"

Have you heard about the social media stars who are coughing and sick?

They're Instagram Influenzas

My wife says she coughs up a bunch of phlegm every morning.

I told her that's snot, ladylike.

I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter.

Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing.

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

The pharmacist took an extended lunch break without telling his assistant.

When he was gone, a man with severe cough came in for a consultation and was informed that the pharmacist was out to lunch, and the assistant wasn't sure when he was coming back.

The man begged the assistant for help since he was so miserable, and the assistant had to think quick.

An...

What does a redditor say when someone is coughing at him in the bus?

"Thanks for the cold, kind stranger."

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