Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart.

Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.

Why did the potato cough up blood?

Because it had tuber-culosis

It's not the cough that'll carry you off

It's the coffin they carry you off in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

Last night I was laying in bed naked with my girlfriend when she started to cough.

She told me she might need to get tested for Covid.

I pulled the covers over her head, then I farted.

She goes "ewwww, that stinks. Oh my God I can taste it!!!".

Then I pulled the covers off of her and said "Congratulations. You don't have Covid".

I told my boss yesterday I have a wee cough

Boss: You have a wee cough?

Me: Thanks boss! See you next week!

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.

But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

They always say „it’s not the cough that carries you off“

It’s the coffin they Carrie you off in.

My short Indian friend has started coughing a lot lately

I think he’s a little Sikh

Today at my appointment the doctor grabbed my balls, and told me to cough.

I should probably find another dentist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...



The boy ...

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

If I get the UK variant of coronavirus will my cough sound different?

Like instead of COUGH COUGH UGHH is it more like AHEM ERM His Majesty David Beckham has come to take your spices and subjugate your people AHEM AHEM

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the doctor's office and this guy told to drop my pants then he cupped my balls and told me to cough.

The nurse then leaned into the waiting room and told me the doctor was ready to see me and asked who the guy was.

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him...

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

The Casket

A man floored it in his car because he was being chased by a casket, rolling down the road at Godspeed. He drove and drove until his car ran out of gas.

The casket still chasing him and his house being a half a mile away, he ran down the street and into his house, shutting the door behind hi...

Super Mario walks into a bar and orders a drink. Takes one sip and starts coughing hysterically. Bartender asks “are you ok?”

Mario says “wrong pipe.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough

I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman walked into a bar.

He saw a few guys sitting round a table. One of them was holding a pint. He gulped down half the cup, then spluttered and coughed it up.
The other guys laughed. "You lose!"

The Irishman approached the table and picked up the glass. "I'll show you how we do this in Ireland. Start the timer!...

A four year kid is being rushed to the hospital with coughing,high fever, vomiting and a searing headache.

The doctor meets him and takes him to do examinations. First,he needs to know what's the worst. He asks "Ben,can you tell me what's bothers you the most?"
He replies: "I'd have to say my little sister".

What's the favored drink among coronavirus victims?

Coughy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a bar...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'...

Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing?

It was a bronchitisaurus.

To the guy who coughed on me on the subway...

Edit: Thanks for the cold kind stranger!

The Pope gets Covid-19 and has a dry cough so he is rushed to the hospital on a gurney by two doctors “Am I in Heaven” asks the fatigued priest

“No” says one of the doctors “we’re just taking a shortcut through the children’s ward”

I had to cough in a public place today

I tried to cover it with a fart

To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.

You make me sick.

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away...

So when you hear someone coughing tell him to, "Far Cough!"

Sneeze , cough

After 2019-

Someone sneezes.
Me: "Bless you".

Someone coughs.
Me: "Bless me".

What do you call a sick Egyptian?

Sir Cough-a-gus

A man is coughing immensely in a packed train.

Others are looking worried about it, and one of the passengers asks:
"Excuse me, do you have coronavirus?"
"No sir, I'm diagnosed with overt tuberculosis."
"Thank God", the others sigh in relief.

So countries are basically competing to most effectively manage a virus that makes people cough and sneeze. Does that make this...

A Cold War?

I told my doctor i had a wee cough

He said: that's nice, have you anything planned?

Seen at the dispensary today....If you have to cough, please do it far away. Otherwise you may be asked

To far cough

I've been coughing and sneezing all day and now I can't stop singing old Frank Sinatra songs.

I think I've got crooner virus.

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives". "You idiot" said the pharmacist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives". "Of course you can" the assistant replied "Look at him... hes too afraid to cough...

Why did Ms. Piggy cough?

She had a little frog in her throat.

I'm running a low fever and have a slight, dry cough. But don't worry

It's just Corona Lite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happy Endings...

There's a middle aged guy - getting a bit fat and bald now, got a gimpy leg so he's walking with a cane - his wife just gave up trying to get horny and sent him out to find his fun somewhere else.

So he arrives at a brothel he'd heard about - pretty tall, a townhouse, very plain looking outsi...

Three women die and go to heaven

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentall...

Never gonna shop, give it up, such a dirty hand I always cover up, for the cough of the older kind My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!

M-m-m-m-my Corona!

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church

He enters a confession booth and sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk man shouts, "Ain't no use knocking! There's no paper on this side either!"

"I don't want to go to the hospital! I don't cough, I don't have fever..."

"You have to go. You work there!"

I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter.

Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing.

I think Pfizer got their drugs mixed up...

I got the Covid vaccine, but now when I cough I get an erectipn.

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

I saw a guy with a turban coughing his brains out

I think he might be Sikh

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I'm groping the balls of the storm."

The manager hesitated for a moment on the phone. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" he asked the newly hired immigrant worker.

"I...rub the storm...balls?" the man said, coughing.

Before he could ask again, the manager heard a little commotion on the line, followed by a younger voice. <...

Roses are red, I've got a bad cough

Settings -> Notifications -> Trending -> **OFF**

What do you call a Facebook mom who coughs at her unvaccinated child?

A social media influenzer

My friend just sent me a phenomenal joke and I’m mad at her for being funnier than I am. Suffer with me.

Two guys are walking through the debris of a terrible accident. There are decaying bodies all around. The air is heavy and foreboding. The stench is putrid.

One of them starts having a coughing fit because the smell is so overwhelming. The other guy goes, “hey are you alright? What’s with al...

I bought my wife some cough syrup today,

For my ears.

An old farmer goes to the doctor for chronic coughing

The doctor took a perfunctory look at the farmer and tsked. "Just one cigarette a day from now on!" he told the farmer.

Six months later the farmer comes back looking absolutely terrible. "I told you one cigarette a day," the doctor said. "Have you been taking my advice?"

The farmer re...

If someone starts a conversation you don't want to hear, just start coughing

They'll clear out fast.

Why does the doctor make you turn your head and cough?

So you don't cough on the doctor

Have you heard about the social media stars who are coughing and sick?

They're Instagram Influenzas

Two mentos are in a bar...

...just enjoying a drink of coke, (as they do of course.)


Then a Halls Cough Drop walks in.


One of the mentos hides under the table. Shaking.


The other one asks him "What's up?"


The mentos hiding under the table replies "You don't wanna mess wi...

A chemist walk into his shop

To find a man leaning against a wall. ‘What’s up with him he asks his assistant’. ‘He came in for a bottle of cough syrup, but we didn’t have any’ the assistant explains..’so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead!’ ‘WHAT?’ Says the chemist, Horrified. ‘You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!’ ‘Of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Joke from my 6 yo) Did you hear about the pony with a cough?

He was a little hoarse.

People say smoking will give you diseases

But how can they say that when it cures salmon!!

(Lol im a smoking chef and when i heard this joke I coughed my lungs like i have the rona. Had to post it )

A boy is coming home from a party ...

On the way home , he has to go past a graveyard .But since he didn't want to miss the game on the TV , he goes through the graveyard which has a shortcut to his house .

The graveyard was covered with thick fog which was so much that he couldn't see the ground in front of him . Eventually, it...

Cough Syrup

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.



He asks the blonde clerk:

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"



The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.

I coul...

LifeProTip: If you have a bad cough.

Take a large dose of laxatives... then you'll be too scared to cough.

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

A man was coughing all day long and decided to go and see a doctor

So the man arrives at the doctor and explains the problem.

The doctor accidentally gave him laxative instead of coughing syrup but the man already left.

So a couple days later the man comes back for chek-up and the doctor asks: " alright, are you still coughing?"

The man replies...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I coughed so hard my balls hurt.

I asked the person next to me if that's ever happened to them, and my mom was like "no."

What kind of cough drops do pigs take?

Reeeeeecola

A pony walks into a bar

Bartender: What'll it be?

Pony: I'll *ahem* have a *cough cough* beer.

Bartender: You got a cough?

Pony: Yeah *ahem* I'm a little horse.

My wife says she coughs up a bunch of phlegm every morning.

I told her that's snot, ladylike.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you say when Coronavirus knocks on your door?

Fuck-cough

I caught a really bad case of COVID in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor, with his ...

My friend woke up this morning coughing badly

I think he may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

My Potato has been coughing terribly

I think it has Tuberculosis.

When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever."

He's a man of flu words.

Something for that cough

The pharmacist needed a short break from the register so he left his son in charge: “just put on the coat and act like you know what you are doing. Ring up the sales as listed. What ever you do, DO NOT give anyone advice. I’ll be back soon”

After a few minutes, a man approached the “pharmac...

A woman goes to the doctor because she suspects she might have covid

She enters the office and while she was in the middle of explaining her symptoms the doctor with a blushed face calls his assistant and asks for a room to admit the woman into the hospital.

The woman surprised says "Are you sure I have covid? It's just a mild cough and I haven't been even tes...

The man who invented the cough drop passed away last week

He decided not to have a coffin at his funeral

Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A military ship pulls into a foreign port for shore leave

Before they all depart, the commanding officer makes an address to the crew:

"In this city, half of the women have AIDS and half the women have COVID. Given the knowledge of these facts, what will your course of action be here?"

"I'll just fuck the ones who cough, sir"

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