Take a large dose of laxatives... then you'll be too scared to cough.
What happens when Smaug gets a cold and coughs up a hobbit?
He becomes Dragon Ball Wheeze.
Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!
Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he? Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I bought my wife some cough syrup today,
For my ears.
A Scottish guy phones in sick to work.
Boss ask's what is wrong Jimmy? Jimmy replies I have a wee cough.
Boss says you have a wee cough? Jimmy says thank you Boss I was only going to take one day.
Something for that cough
The pharmacist needed a short break from the register so he left his son in charge: “just put on the coat and act like you know what you are doing. Ring up the sales as listed. What ever you do, DO NOT give anyone advice. I’ll be back soon”
After a few minutes, a man approached the “pharmac...
Roses are red, I've got a bad cough
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A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket ...
The man who invented the cough drop passed away last week
He decided not to have a coffin at his funeral
My wife says she coughs up a bunch of phlegm every morning.
I told her that's snot, ladylike.
Doctor... "I see your cough is getting better"
Patient ...." Yes, I've been practicing all night"
Why does Loki buy cough drops?
He doesn’t want to get a Thor throat
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
*cough* *choke* *gargle*
When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever."
He's a man of flu words.
Why do cannibals cough so much when eating hands?
They get a tickle in their throat
Did you hear the one about a pony with a cough?
It was a little horse.
A compass, a cough drop, and a match.
As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.
One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for anothe...
What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker?
They both take away the coffin.
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire ...
A man is walking home one foggy night,
When behind him he hears:
He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.
He begins to walk faster, and looks back over his shoulder as he hurries a...
I had a cough like that once...
I didn't kick the bucket, I was just a little pail!
A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint.
The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.
This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔
Two hillbillies are in a restaurant.
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at h...
A man takes a shortcut home through a graveyard at night.
Whistling loudly to steel himself against the cold fingers of fear, he strides quickly towards his destination.
As his eyes adjust to the dark, he notices an uncovered grave left by a lazy gravedigger. Feeling an uneasy chill, he averts his eyes from the coffin laid inside, missing the spade...
I have a friend who died from one of those. It was under his neighbor's wife's bed.
People who cough loudly don't go to the doctor...
They go to the cinemas.
A pharmacist is about to take a lunch break and he says to his assistant, "I'll be back in an hour, keep an eye on things". Upon his return, he notices a man outside the pharmacy, standing against the wall, clutching his abdomen, obviously in some pretty serious discomfort. He continues in...
A chemist comes back from his lunch break.
He finds his assistant busy behind the counter, and a man twitching while leaning against the wall. "What's going on?" he asks. The assistant tells him that the man came in for some cough syrup. "Well, did you give it to him?" asks the chemist. "No, we didn't have any," replies the assistant.