UPJOKE
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

Cough, Rough, Though, Through.

Why don't these words rhyme, yet pony and bologna do?

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

Why couldn't Princess Peach stop coughing?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

Today at my appointment the doctor grabbed my balls, and told me to cough.

I should probably find another dentist.

In the olden days, we would often cough to cover up a fart

Post-pandemic, it's now better to cover up a cough by farting

A woman can’t stop coughing and decides to see a doctor

After examining her, the doctor gives her a pill to swallow.

“What was that?”, she asks.

“A very powerful laxative…*now* try coughing!”

What did the ghost say as he coughed up fog?

Don't worry guys, it's just miasma!

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

What do androids take when they have a cough?

Robotussin.

Why was Traffic Man often coughing while capturing villains?

Because he was always congested.

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Nowadays, coughing is like masturbation

Thanks to covid, you better do that shit in the privacy of your own home

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What do you call a pony with a cough?

A little hoarse.

A man was driving in a deserted road at night, when suddenly his car starts to cough and splutter as the engine dies

He is forced to pull over to the side of the road in the complete darkness and silence of the night. He grabs his flashlight and pops the hood to see if there's anything he can do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he can't seem to figure out what's wrong with it and he starts to get anxious.
...

Last night I was laying in bed naked with my girlfriend when she started to cough.

She told me she might need to get tested for Covid.

I pulled the covers over her head, then I farted.

She goes "ewwww, that stinks. Oh my God I can taste it!!!".

Then I pulled the covers off of her and said "Congratulations. You don't have Covid".

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

You ever cough in the morning...

... and can taste all the bad choices you made the night before?

It's not the cough that'll carry you off

It's the coffin they carry you off in

Cure for coughing

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best ...

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A man was sitting next to a woman on an airplane who after everytime she coughed she would loudly moan

After the 3rd time the man asked the woman if she was ok.

The woman responsed that she had a condition where after every time she coughed she would have an orgasm.

The man said that's terrible and asked the woman if she was taking anything for it.

The woman responsed just pepp...

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

I love these definitions!

\-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



\-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.



\-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



\-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. ...

Why did the potato cough up blood?

Because it had tuber-culosis

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

My short Indian friend has started coughing a lot lately

I think he’s a little Sikh

A chemist finds a man leaning against the wall of his shop.

'What's wrong with him?' says the chemist.

His assistant replies, 'He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him laxatives'

'Idiot!' says the chemist. 'You can't treat a cough with laxatives'

'Of course you can' the assistant replies. ' Look at him, he's too...

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Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

To the people who don't cover their mouths when they cough.

You make me sick.

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I was volunteering at a soup kitchen buttering the rolls, but they threw me out for having a dry cough

I’m a bit confused why they asked me to leave - they said I was a super spreader?

Super Mario walks into a bar and orders a drink. Takes one sip and starts coughing hysterically. Bartender asks “are you ok?”

Mario says “wrong pipe.”

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.

But nowadays, I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

They always say „it’s not the cough that carries you off“

It’s the coffin they Carrie you off in.

Did you hear about the guy who had to pay extra for his latte?

He wasn’t wearing a mask so he had to pay a cough-fee

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A Father Walks into rsetaurant

**A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.**

**Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts**

**slapping him on the back. The ...

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You ever poop and cough at the same time?

That shit hurts.

With Covid ravaging the wizarding world, Hagrid ushers a coughing Potter back to his dorm.

"You're a hazard, wheezy."

Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing?

It was a bronchitisaurus.

So Joe had a bad cough.

It was the worst cough of his life. He couldn't get anything done since all he could do was cough uncontrollably. So he decided to go to the doctor.

"Doc, you gotta help me," Joe said. "I just can't seem to stop coughing."

"Oh my, oh my, you poor thing," the doctor exclaimed. "I'll pre...

To the guy who coughed on me on the subway...

Edit: Thanks for the cold kind stranger!

I had to cough in a public place today

I tried to cover it with a fart

Roses are red, I've got a bad cough

Settings -> Notifications -> Trending -> **OFF**

Why did Ms. Piggy cough?

She had a little frog in her throat.

A Scotsman phoned his boss:

Scotsman: Sorry boss I have a wee cough so I will not be in today.

Boss: You have a wee cough?

Scotsman: says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off....

A man is coughing immensely in a packed train.

Others are looking worried about it, and one of the passengers asks:
"Excuse me, do you have coronavirus?"
"No sir, I'm diagnosed with overt tuberculosis."
"Thank God", the others sigh in relief.

Sneeze , cough

After 2019-

Someone sneezes.
Me: "Bless you".

Someone coughs.
Me: "Bless me".

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away...

So when you hear someone coughing tell him to, "Far Cough!"

Why did the pony need cough syrup?

His throat was a little horse.

If I get the UK variant of coronavirus will my cough sound different?

Like instead of COUGH COUGH UGHH is it more like AHEM ERM His Majesty David Beckham has come to take your spices and subjugate your people AHEM AHEM

I'm running a low fever and have a slight, dry cough. But don't worry

It's just Corona Lite.

So countries are basically competing to most effectively manage a virus that makes people cough and sneeze. Does that make this...

A Cold War?

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A policeman stands near the road...

Waiting for some cars to pass by. Finally a family sedan appears in his sight and as the car approaches the officer gives a signal to the driver to pull up. A young man and a young woman are sitting on the front seats while an elderly pair had taken the seats behind them. The sedan stops and the pol...

Cough Medicine

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire ...

I told my doctor i had a wee cough

He said: that's nice, have you anything planned?

Why does the doctor make you turn your head and cough?

So you don't cough on the doctor

I've been coughing and sneezing all day and now I can't stop singing old Frank Sinatra songs.

I think I've got crooner virus.

Seen at the dispensary today....If you have to cough, please do it far away. Otherwise you may be asked

To far cough

I used to work in a powdered soup factory, until I started coughing up little cubes of tofu...

I was forced to retire, after being diagnosed with Miso-thelioma.

A four year kid is being rushed to the hospital with coughing,high fever, vomiting and a searing headache.

The doctor meets him and takes him to do examinations. First,he needs to know what's the worst. He asks "Ben,can you tell me what's bothers you the most?"
He replies: "I'd have to say my little sister".

Never gonna shop, give it up, such a dirty hand I always cover up, for the cough of the older kind My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!

M-m-m-m-my Corona!

When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever."

He's a man of flu words.

I saw a guy with a turban coughing his brains out

I think he might be Sikh

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

An old farmer goes to the doctor for chronic coughing

The doctor took a perfunctory look at the farmer and tsked. "Just one cigarette a day from now on!" he told the farmer.

Six months later the farmer comes back looking absolutely terrible. "I told you one cigarette a day," the doctor said. "Have you been taking my advice?"

The farmer re...

I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter.

Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing.

"I don't want to go to the hospital! I don't cough, I don't have fever..."

"You have to go. You work there!"

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

An older man with a touch of dementia wobbles into a Catholic Church, sits down in the confessional booth, but doesn't utter a word. The Priest coughs, hoping to get a response. But the older man just sits and says nothing. Finally the Priest raps his knuckles three times on the screen.

The older guy mumbles, "Don't bother knocking, pal. There's no paper over here either.”

So I was talking to my friend one day and I coughed.

He was shocked and his voice shook. "Do you h-h-have the v-v-virus?" he asked me.

I said, "Bro chill, we're on the phone."

What kind of cough drops do pigs take?

Reeeeeecola

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

Have you heard about the social media stars who are coughing and sick?

They're Instagram Influenzas

If someone starts a conversation you don't want to hear, just start coughing

They'll clear out fast.

LifeProTip: If you have a bad cough.

Take a large dose of laxatives... then you'll be too scared to cough.

What is the similarity between a cough syrup and an undertaker?

They both take away the coffin.

Why does Loki buy cough drops?

He doesn’t want to get a Thor throat

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

What does a redditor say when someone is coughing at him in the bus?

"Thanks for the cold, kind stranger."

My friend woke up this morning coughing badly

I think he may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.

My wife came home from work and stormed into the bedroom.

She looked at me, sat on the edge of the bed, and sighed deeply.

"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.

"Why?" I frowned.

"You've been very quiet recently," she continued, "and you're always hanging around with that woman from work...Rachel?"

"Roch...

A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint.

The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.

What do you call a Facebook mom who coughs at her unvaccinated child?

A social media influenzer

The man who invented the cough drop passed away last week

He decided not to have a coffin at his funeral

Doctor... "I see your cough is getting better"

Patient ...." Yes, I've been practicing all night"

My wife says she coughs up a bunch of phlegm every morning.

I told her that's snot, ladylike.

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