UPJOKE
anaphylaxisasthmaallergenpollenatopyaspirinantibiotichay fevermigraineacneinfluenzafluepinephrineimmune systempeanut

Allergies Jokes

What do you call a Roman emperor with bad allergies?

Julias Snaesar

What do snakes make when they have allergies?

HISStamine

The allergies from pollen are so bad this year...

drug addicts are converting their meth back into Sudafed.

Any food allergies in the Audience?

Because this is gonna get a little Corny, and a little Nutty….

Ignoring indigestion or allergies can lead to sneezures or a fart attack

I’ll show myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a corn farmer with allergies and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pollen is actually plant sperm

So that means allergies are Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Your welcome.

Teacher: "Does anybody have any food allergies"

Carl: "Pollen"



Teacher: "Well, you don't eat pollen, do you?"



Carl: "No ma'am, I'm allergic"

What do you call the last episode of a show about allergies?

A sneezon finale.

Which US state has allergies?

Massachusetts

Why do some women with allergies prefer men with E.D.?

Because they are "nut-free"

I have seasonal allergies.

I’m allergic to pumpkin spice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an arachnid that constantly complains about its allergies?

Itchy bitchy spider

I really wish I could diminish my allergies..

Like, punch a hole right through them. Alas, I don’t have any experience putting holes in things.

If only I had Benadryl.

A reminder to all people with allergies at this time of year

Technically pollen is plant sperm.

So you don't have allergies you have an STD you got from a plant.

My allergies had me sneezing all day

Feeling blessed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A waiter asks a lady at his table if she has any allergies.

"Nothing", she replies.

So, he ends out bringing the table the restaurant's famous chocolate-peanut butter cake.

The lady takes one bite, and her throat immediately swells. Thankfully, she has an EpiPen, and is able to reduce the swelling, but her entire party is very upset.

"I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when allergies make my ear canal itch

Its ear-itating

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After yet another allergy surfaced, I decided to divorce my wife -

Most of her allergies where tolerable, but her nut allergy ruined our sex life.

What's up with peanut allergies?

Not that kid's blood pressure

What type of chips suffer from allergies?

Nachoos

Conor McGregor doesn't have seasonal allergies.

He just can't handle the Mayweather.

My doc prescibed me an RX for my poison ivy and oak allergies.

I got 99 problems but an itch aint one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A survey said that people that sleep with their pets get less allergies and helps the immune system and they live longer.

Bullshit... I tried sleeping with my goldfish and nearly drowned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read an article that said "there have been no reported glueten allergies in the state of West Virginia"

I thought it was inbred?

What did the Frenchman with bad allergies say when he had to leave the dinner party?

My sincerest apologies but I bid you all ACHOO.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill and Joe hadn't seen each other in a long time and run in to each other in town.

After greetings and handshakes, Joe says to Bill, "you look like you've lost a lot of weight, have you been sick?

Bill "yes, I have terrible allergies, and every time I sneeze, I ejaculate."

Joe "Oh no, what do you take for that?"

Bill "ragweed!"

Allergic to crying

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she cried too much and it set off my allergies.


Apparently I'm lachrymose intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prince is hanging out with his best friend

Friend: So you want to break up with her?

Prince: Yeah, I have to.

Friend: Just because she is really shy, moody, dumb, has allergies, and has narcolepsy?

Prince: That is not what I said. I said she is fucking Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, and Sleepy!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Allergies.

I had a customer tonight with allergies [true story]

Rude Customer: Can you just make sure there's no nuts in my food? I can't eat nuts.
Me: Sure! My sister Anna can't eat nuts either. You might know her?
Customer: Oh?
Me: Anna-phallactic?
Customer: Oh.
Me: Just kidding, I don't have a sister.
Customer: Oh?
Me: She died. She ate s...

The first rule of Fight Club is...

Just try your best guys, and have fun. Also, when it’s your turn to bring snacks be mindful of others’ allergies.

Nobody is more blessed

Then the popes altar boy with allergies

Here's what I've been thinking...

How can a male have nut allergies?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Western Omelet

A retired man walks into his favorite diner after it just reopened from a long COVID-19 shuttering, eager to resume his daily routine of breakfast, coffee and reading the newspaper. A new waitress approaches greets him and explains that new contactless policy that eliminates the old plastic laminate...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny knows his pills.

Miss Paula is going around the classroom asking if the students know what pills take for what ails them.

- Little Suzie, what do you take if you have a headache?

Well, miss Paula, my mommy gives me Tylenol when I have a headache.

- Good answer. James, what do you take if you hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

Interviewer: “Do you have any allergies?”

Applicant: “Yes, I’m allergic to caffeine so I don’t drink coffee.”

Interviewer: “Ok. Are you a veteran?”

Applicant: “Yes, I was in Iraq for 3 years.”

Interviewer: “Ok,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump visited the White House doctor...

**Trump:** I got a problem doc, my penis has turned orange!!

**Dr Jackson:** Sounds bad. I better take a look.

**Trump:** (drops his shorts) Bad enough my face is orange but if this gets out I'm sunk with the ladies....whaddaya think, doc?.

**Dr Jackson:** (takes a look) Yep,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is being interviewed for a government job...

The man interviewing asks, "have you ever been in any wars?"
The man applying says, "yes I was in Iraq"
The other then asks, "were you injured in any way?"
He replies, " yeah I was actually near the site of an explosion and the shrapnel hit me in the groin, I lost both my testicles."
T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.