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Coughing Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nowadays, coughing is like masturbation

Thanks to covid, you better do that shit in the privacy of your own home

Why was Traffic Man often coughing while capturing villains?

Because he was always congested.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

Cure for coughing

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best ...

My short Indian friend has started coughing a lot lately

I think he’s a little Sikh

Why couldn't Princess Peach stop coughing?

Because Mario came down the wrong pipe

My dad gave up smoking cold turkey for new years. He’s doing better now but…

…he’s still coughing up feathers.

A man is coughing immensely in a packed train.

Others are looking worried about it, and one of the passengers asks:
"Excuse me, do you have coronavirus?"
"No sir, I'm diagnosed with overt tuberculosis."
"Thank God", the others sigh in relief.

Super Mario walks into a bar and orders a drink. Takes one sip and starts coughing hysterically. Bartender asks “are you ok?”

Mario says “wrong pipe.”

Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing?

It was a bronchitisaurus.

A four year kid is being rushed to the hospital with coughing,high fever, vomiting and a searing headache.

The doctor meets him and takes him to do examinations. First,he needs to know what's the worst. He asks "Ben,can you tell me what's bothers you the most?"
He replies: "I'd have to say my little sister".

What happens if the Queen of England starts coughing?

Prince Charles Corona-tion.

I saw a guy with a turban coughing his brains out

I think he might be Sikh

Doctor says to the patient: “Your coughing sounds much better.”

The patient replies: “And no wonder. I spent a lot of time practicing.”

So Joe had a bad cough.

It was the worst cough of his life. He couldn't get anything done since all he could do was cough uncontrollably. So he decided to go to the doctor.

"Doc, you gotta help me," Joe said. "I just can't seem to stop coughing."

"Oh my, oh my, you poor thing," the doctor exclaimed. "I'll pre...

An old farmer goes to the doctor for chronic coughing

The doctor took a perfunctory look at the farmer and tsked. "Just one cigarette a day from now on!" he told the farmer.

Six months later the farmer comes back looking absolutely terrible. "I told you one cigarette a day," the doctor said. "Have you been taking my advice?"

The farmer re...

If someone starts a conversation you don't want to hear, just start coughing

They'll clear out fast.

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

Have you heard about the social media stars who are coughing and sick?

They're Instagram Influenzas

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

I've been coughing and sneezing all day and now I can't stop singing old Frank Sinatra songs.

I think I've got crooner virus.

What does a redditor say when someone is coughing at him in the bus?

"Thanks for the cold, kind stranger."

A man was coughing all day long and decided to go and see a doctor

So the man arrives at the doctor and explains the problem.

The doctor accidentally gave him laxative instead of coughing syrup but the man already left.

So a couple days later the man comes back for chek-up and the doctor asks: " alright, are you still coughing?"

The man replies...

My Potato has been coughing terribly

I think it has Tuberculosis.

My friend woke up this morning coughing badly

I think he may have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it’s hard to say.

I saw a flying pig! He was coughing and sneezing though, so I killed him.

After all, the swine flu!

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away...

So when you hear someone coughing tell him to, "Far Cough!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A policeman stands near the road...

Waiting for some cars to pass by. Finally a family sedan appears in his sight and as the car approaches the officer gives a signal to the driver to pull up. A young man and a young woman are sitting on the front seats while an elderly pair had taken the seats behind them. The sedan stops and the pol...

I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter.

Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing.

My two kids keep coughing...

...so I took them to see the doctor today.
"Do you smoke cigarettes in the house?" the doctor asked me.

"Yes." I replied. "About 20 a day."

"That's terrible!" He said, shaking his head. "Your habit is probably affecting your children more than it's affecting you. My advice to you wo...

The best cure for dry coughing.

Take some laxative. You will not cough, trust me.

Doctor to assistant: I said to give the patient something for his cough! Why did you give him a laxative?!

Assistant: Well he's not coughing anymore, is he?
Doctor: ..I guess he wouldn't dare..

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