UPJOKE
airexhalationinhalationlungbloodbreatherrespirationbreathediaphragminhalesighoxygenbreezecarbon dioxidehalitus

Breath Jokes

Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, I made you smile :)

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”

“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: "Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies."

Student: "Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?"

What do cannibals eat to freshen their breath?

Men toes

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

What veggie takes your breath away?

Arti choke!

What do you call it when you’re almost killed by a persons bad smelling breath?

A near-breath experience

Everytime I eat rice, I run out of breath.

My doctor believes I am Basmatic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ME: one time I farted so long & loud I thought my ass would stop and take a breath...

INTERVIEWER: ...and what would you consider a weakness about yourself?

I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

If you have chronic bad breath, don't feel any less valuable.

You are far and away best.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having had seriously bad breath for most of his adult life, Larry finally goes to see a Doctor about it.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday, Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit...

What do you call an incredibly insensitive shaman who’s also weak and suffers from chronic bad breath?

A super callous fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

Why did the Albino pig have bad breath?

He has no Pig mints.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman answers her house phone and hears a deep voice with heavy breathing say,

"have you got a tight, bald cunt?"

The woman answers, "hang on and I'll get him, he's on the couch watching TV."

How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

Experamints

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

Why couldn’t Henry VIII breath?

He had no heir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last

He said, "Staring contest... GO."

Did you know Ghandi had bad breath?

They say that because of his diet he had bad breath and was very frail. He also walked everywhere barefoot, which was rough on his feet.

Guess you could say he was a **super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: Do not forget to breathe.

Death by asphyxiation may cause semen discharge making it look like you died of wanking.

I once amputated a man's toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made from a breath mint.

I gave him a Tic Tac toe.

Manual breathing activated

Joke is on you :)

The Roman soldiers surrounded Jesus as he was nearing his last breath atop the large hill, affixed to the cross.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes...

I remember my first breath.

Sadly I'm now addicted.

I had a dream about a breath freshener left on my pillow.

I ate it and it tasted like a fig. Then I woke up. Guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination.

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, was quite skinny, and apparently had bad breath.

That'd make him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: A woman answers the phone and there's heavy breathing on the line.

A pervy voice said "I bet you have a bald asshole" She says "Ah, you want to speak to my husband"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl are you corona? Cuz you took my breath away

Her: boy are you Corona? Cuz I want to stay the fuck away from you.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911

''My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?

Did you hear about the shellfish that couldn't breathe?

He had prawn-chitis.

Please, save your breath.

You’ll probably need it to blow up your next date.

Why does 4 have bad breath

Because he ate ⅓

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man runs into a pub all out of breath and asks at the first table:

"Guys, who's got a big black fat dog with a white collar?"

Nobody raises their hand.

"Oh, shit, so I ran over the vicar."

A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says "Big Breath"

The girls says "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"

"can you take off the corset, I can't breathe" said my wife

"sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it" I replied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Terrible breath...

A man is at the dentist for a check up. "You have terrible, terrible breath!" the dentist says. "You should let your doctor check it out, this is really abnormal.' he continues.

So the man goes to his doctor. The doctor does a little examination of the man and says: " Either you stop biting ...

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

What do you call two dogs breathing heavily?

A pair of pants

What did Marowak say to Cubone during her dying breath?

Marowak

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dumped my girlfriend last week because she had really bad breath.

With hindsight though I'm really missing those 10 blowjobs a day.

A man falls over unable to breathe

The woman he's with scans around the area and spots a man with a gi and black belt on.
"Do you know anything about choking?"
The man responds that he does, due to teaching Jiujitsu.
The woman urgently yells, "help I think he's going to pass out!"
To which the JiuJitsu teacher replies, "T...

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"

Me: "I dunno, what?"

Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

My dog has terrible breath.

I guess his bark is worse than his bite.

You're now breathing manually

Don't stop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not saying my wife has bad breath...

But during blow jobs, my penis is the one gagging.

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head ...

Why do dyslexic chess players have such fresh breath?

Because they're so good at finding Tic Tacs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

LPT for people like me who couldn't breath with a face mask on

..
..
Take it out of the plastic bag first. I haven't felt like I was suffocating since I learned this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

Why does Darth Vader's breathing sound so angry?

He is just venting...

Today I learned, when someone says ' take my breath away ' they...

don't mean their asthma pump.

Two mischievous boys, aged 8 and 10, are known for causing all sorts of trouble in their town. Their mother, hoping to discipline them, asks a preacher to speak to them. The preacher agrees, but he asks to see the boys individually.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sits the younger boy down and asks sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth drops open, he doesn’t respond but sits there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeats the question in an even sterner tone, "Where...

A mother is on her deathbed...

A 90 year-old mother is on her deathbed. Summoning her last bit of strength, she lifts her head and whispers: "Is my beloved husband John here with me?" And John says, "Yes, I am here."
She then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes Moth...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out?

Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey.

I loved playing Breath of the Wild...

... but i did find the desert scenes a bit Voemophobic.

How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.

"You're on!" I replied.

That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing. My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me. Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the mo...

What do you call it when a chameleon forgets how to breathe?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call a dog that can breathe underwater?

A Scooby diver

A man stopped breathing today at a bar...

A lady then screamed out "ANYBODY KNOW CPR"
I yelled back. "I know the whole damm alphabet!"
Everyone Laughed... Well except 1 guy...

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.”

"Some, I assume, are good people"

Yo mommas breath smells so bad

She should be wearing a diaper on her face.

What do you give an apprehensive person with bad breath?

An encourage mint.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

As an adult I finally got my childhood wish, sort of. I wanted to breathe fire,

but instead it burns when I pee

Why do cows have bad breath?

Because they breathe dairy-air.

I went to my blonde doctor to ask what was wrong with me

I sat in the blonde doctor's office and told her I was feeling tired and short of breath. She took out her stethoscope, placed it against my chest and listened for a moment.

"You have an iron deficiency.", she said

"You can tell that just from listening to my heartbeat?", I asked.
<...

Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

Why couldn't the system programmer breathe?

He refused to open windows.

Holding your breath is a reliable cure for the hiccups

....though now that I think on it, it cures just about every other ailment too.

[Long] I was working the register of a pharmacy when a woman came up to me asking for breath mints.

I pointed her to the candy aisle and told her they were about halfway down on the left.

She said that she'd been down there already, and that all of the mints had loads of sugar in them, and if she them they'd make her hyper and overly excited.

I had never heard of anyone getting too e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do communists stop breathing when they masturbate?

Because in Soviet Russia, chicken chokes YOU.

And the world breathed a big sigh of relief...

The USA decided to invade the USA this year, leaving everyone else safe

Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?

The file was created by The Police as part of a Sting operation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

John had terrible breath.

One weekend he and his buddy Mark went on a camping trip.

They only had one tent so they would have to sleep together.

John's breath was so bad that Mark couldn't stand it in the small closed space of that tent, so he told John everytime he wanted to say something he should poke him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A final CIA test for three men

An American, a Russian and a Bosnian man get to the final test to be admitted to the CIA. An American enters a room where he sees his wife Jennifer. A voice says: " There is a gun on the table, your last test is to kill your wife, no questions asked." American points the gun, but after a while gives...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Hey Tommy why’re you so out of breath?”

“Well I was just having the best sex of my life!”

“Wow it was so good it took your breath away?”

“Oh nah, I had to run - I heard a door open on the other side of the morgue”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call prostitutes that are out of breath?

Panty Hoes

I breathe heavy whenever I’m around woman’s underwear.

I guess that’s why they call them panties.

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

What's fast and can breathe underwater?

Not a toddler, I can tell you that

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

I asked my doctor how bad my breath is.

"You see that broccoli over there?" he pointed.

"Yes..." I replied.

"That was a cauliflower before you started talking."

DON'T BREATHE!

Studies show that 100% of humans that have died have inhaled oxygen at least once in their life.

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

Your breath is so nasty....

That people look forward to your farts

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

A guy rushes into a bar out of breath and manages to excitedly utter to the bartender "Gimme 6 shots of whiskey quick"!

The bartender says "What's the hurry?" as he lays out the six shots. The guy starts downing the shots as fast as the bartender is filling them. As he is gulping down the last shot, he utters "Well you would drink fast too if you had what I have". The bartender says "well geez mister what do you have...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.