A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle lying on the passenger seat.

“Have you been drinking?” The officer asks.

“Just water,” says the priest.

“Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived in that situation

Almost died watching Finding Nemo

Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes

His funeral is on friday

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Did any of you guys hear about the old lady who went to the doctor complaining of shortness of breath?

The doctor asked her, "well, do you smoke after sex"? To which the lady responded, "I don't know, I don't usually look down there after sex".

You can’t breath through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can, I just wanted to make you smile!

What do houses eat when their breath stinks?

apartmints

My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

My Doctor told me I was overweight and I should do something daily that gets me slightly out of breath.

So I took up smoking.

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An Italian Farmer was working the fields with his three sons and notices that two of them were out of breath because they were over weight.

He called over to his three sons and spoke to each of them.

Papa: "Luigi, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Luigi: "Papa, I love eating my wife's lasagna. It's so good!!!"
Papa: "Son, you need to take smaller bites."

Papa: "Mario, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Mario: "Papa, I lo...

What did Congress say to George Washington with bad breath after he said: "I need some money"?

You need a mint

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. Which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”

The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads:
Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.

A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says "Big Breath"

The girls says "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"

What do cannibals ingest to freshen their breath?

Men toes!

A woman bursts into the clubhouse at a golf course, out of breath...

“Is there a doctor in the house?” She gasps.


A guy nursing a pint at the bat looks up. “What seems to be the problem?” He asks.

“I’ve been stung by a bee.” She replies.

“Where?”

“Between the first and second holes.”

He returns to his drink. “Clearly madam, your...

What does it mean when a girl in your bed is gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

How do you describe a person's breath that smells like metal coins?

Minted fresh

When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.

I still don't know if I like self-checkout.

Holding your breath is a reliable cure for the hiccups

....though now that I think on it, it cures just about every other ailment too.

TIL that with every breath I take, about 4 people on this planet die.

I wonder if I should try a different toothpaste.

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And it was at this time during the darkest days of Christianity that as he was nailed to the cross and raised up for all to gaze upon his tortured and twisted body he looked down wearily at his 12 apostles and speaking softly with his last gasping breath said unto them...

"Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs I'll be back on Monday."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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Whenever I have sex with my girlfriend, I let out this embarrassingly loud, deep breaths.

But it’s ok. She told me sighs don’t matter.

How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.

"You're on!" I replied.

That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing. My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me. Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the mo...

Do you know how you beat shrines in Zelda: Breath of the Wild?

Trials and errors.

When you’re going somewhere

And someone asks “are you coming”
Try replying with “no, just breathing hard”

“I know this is difficult for you ma’am, but we need to know exactly how you were tortured by the accused. You said that after the hot poker came the pliers pulling out your toenails, but each time you start to tell us the final torture, you break down. Now take a deep breath, & tell the court...”

“Well”, she sobbed, “before he let me go [sob] he made me... he made me........ watch ‘Holmes and Watson’ twice in one sitting”

I managed to achieve my personal best yesterday of holding my breath underwater for an incredible 8 minutes and 42 seconds!

It all started at my local swimming pool when a woman shouted out to her husband, "That's him, over there!"

I’ve always tried to hold my breath when a character is under water, to see if I could survive the situation

Finding Nemo was a tough one

Jewish guy runs home from work, panting and trying to catch his breath.

He plops down at the kitchen table, where his wife was cooking dinner.

Wife asks, "What happened Motek? Why are you so exhausted?"

Guy says with a huge smile, "Chooki, instead of taking the bus home from work today, I ran all the way behind it and saved $2.50!"

He was extremely ...

I surprised my friend with a brand new car, it really took his breath away

He never saw it coming

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

What do you give an apprehensive person with bad breath?

An encourage mint.

My dog has terrible breath.

I guess his bark is worse than his bite.

I just witnessed record breaking sprinter collapse out of breath...

He was inspiring

You hear about the Egyptian who insisted that he could breath underwater?

He was forever in De-Nile

My girlfriend takes my breath away.

She’s inflatable.

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I'm not saying my wife has bad breath...

But during blow jobs, my penis is the one gagging.

My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

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“Hey Tommy why’re you so out of breath?”

“Well I was just having the best sex of my life!”

“Wow it was so good it took your breath away?”

“Oh nah, I had to run - I heard a door open on the other side of the morgue”

My brother and I were having a breath holding contest in the pool.

He's really good, been down there for 6 hours now.

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

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A man and his wife goes to the doctor because she is experiencing shortness of breath and she comes out of the exam room saying, "Well, the doc thinks I have a nice cooter!"

"What in the actual fuck?!!" says the husband.

"That's what the doctor said. My problem is that I have a nice cooter."

The husband is pissed and goes in to talk to the doctor.

"What's this about my wife having a nice cooter? I need a damn good explanation."

"That's not w...

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

Everyone likes to have a breath of fresh air every now and then.

It's just common scents.

A fisherman is fishing by the river shore when a man rushes towards him, catches his breath and says:

Man: "Excuse me, have you seen a woman pass by this area?"

Fisherman: "One with a white dress with black stripes?"

Man: "Yes, exactly! She must not be very far away, right?"

Fisherman: "I don't think so, the current isn't very strong today."

You are now not supposed to give breaths while doing CPR

Because of inflation

My boy asked me how to get a kiss on the first date. I told him to plan ahead and get some breath mints.

Tac Tics my son, Tac Tics

How does a zombie freshen their breath?

They eat a liga**mint**.

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What are the two most important holes in a womans body?

No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!!

Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call prostitutes that are out of breath?

Panty Hoes

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Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
...

I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.

I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo

I've got a pretty long Police record....

It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

How to tell someone they have a bad breath nicely ?

"Oh boy I am bored lets brush our teeth"

I asked my brother how long he could hold his breath underwater for.

I'm amazed. It's been three hours and he's still going.

Look, people... Trump is going to be President, so let's just hold our breath for the next four years.

With any luck, we'll turn blue.

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It was awkward silence for 8 hours straight,With an occasional sigh or heavy breath

Then she woke up and screamed: who the fuck are you?

The ice cream truck is going down the street

And a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and shes out of breath

Truck driver: “hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “

Out of breath she says “I just wanted to tell you....

What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I asked my doctor how bad my breath is.

"You see that broccoli over there?" he pointed.

"Yes..." I replied.

"That was a cauliflower before you started talking."

A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"

..."I'll explain later."

The nun nods in agreement.

A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:

"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"

The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you eno...

I had a job interview for a lifeguard position and they asked me what my biggest strength was. So I took a deep breath...

Held it for four minutes and they gave me the job.

A hero named "Super Cal" suffers from a slight weakness that curses his own body. However, he does have a certain strength. It's, unfortunately, his bad breath that makes him fairly unattractive.

So, basically..."Super Cal is fragile-ish except for Halitosis"

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Nice butts take my breath away...

I’m assmatic.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference...

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him, “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees, “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the confe...

How do scientists freshen their breaths?

Ex*spearmints*

Your breath is so nasty....

That people look forward to your farts

A man was walking home past a cemetary in the middle of the night.

when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncin...

The MI5 are watching every move I make and breath I take...

It seems it's a sting operation

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