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Allergic Jokes

I think I’m allergic to laxatives

Every time I try them I get diarrhea

I have just found out that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

My parrot is allergic to nickel

so I bought him a Nickeless Cage.

I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.

Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!

Allergic

A group of golfers were approaching the first tee when they noticed a woman being given first aid. One of the golfers asked what had happened, and he was informed that the woman had been stung by a bee and was having an allergic reaction.

"Where was she bit?" one of the players asked. "Betwee...

I just found out I'm allergic to legumes

Doctor says it's a lentil illness

Doctor: you’re allergic to milk

Me: No whey?

I think my girlfriend is allergic to nuts.

She's on her knees right now, her face is red, and she can't breathe.

After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives

I think I might be allergic to alcohol

I keep breaking out in handcuffs.

Allergic to crying

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she cried too much and it set off my allergies.


Apparently I'm lachrymose intolerant.

What is the most allergic nut?

The Ca.........shew!!!!!

I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just found out today that I'm allergic to Viagra.

It makes me swell up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're allergic to milk, don't tell your fifth grade class

I was known as "the kid who's allergic to titties". The worst part is I believed it, so I thought for sure I was gay. But I second guessed myself, after remembering I was also allergic to nuts.


Later I found out I'm just dumb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

I’m allergic to cotton

I would take medicine for it, but I can’t get it out of the bottle

I'm allergic to peanuts

If I'm even in the same room as Snoopy my face starts to swell up.

I’m allergic to crocodiles on t-shirts

I’m lacoste intolerant

I found out I’m allergic to tequila...

Every time I drink it, I break out in handcuffs.

I’m really allergic to pollen

But I feel this spring will be breathtaking

What berry are the turtles allergic to?

Strawberry

What's the nightmare of a president who is allergic to stone fruit?

Impeachment

TIL I'm allergic to leather.

Every time I wake up with my shoes on, I have a massive headache and feel quite sick.

I'm allergic to sharks..

..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i knew this one guy who is allergic to masturbation.



last I heard he died from a stroke.

My new boyfriend is allergic to my dog.

So, I can't keep him. He's
ginger & named tom. Friendly.
Comes when called. 28yrs-old
& works in IT.

TIFU by making my customer the wrong sandwich, giving her an allergic reaction.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

Did you hear about the amputee who nearly died from an allergic reaction?

Apparently he was lack-toes intolerant.

What do you call a galaxy that's allergic to milk?

Galactose intolerant.

Did I ever tell you I'm allergic to bacon?

It brings me out in rashers.

Did you hear about the woman who is allergic to WIFI?

I hear doctors cleared her to go to weddings but she has to stay away from the reception.

My ex gf was allergic to wax

No-one has ever been able to hold a candle to her

A friend of mine opposes religion so much that they say they’re “allergic to Jesus.”

So I told them to take an anti-theist-amine.

A man has an allergic reaction...

So he decides to go to the doctor to see what the problem is. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man
"I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is you're allergic to peas, but the good news is it is curable, and with monthly treatment your allergy should be gone in about 7 years."
"Grea...

A man visits his doctor after a severe allergic reaction.

The doctor enters the examination room and asks him, "How are we feeling today?"







The man replies, "Swell!"

I Think I'm Allergic to Pot

Whenever I smoke it, my eyes get red and I start coughing

My friend died because he was allergic to plantains...

He went into bananaphalactic shock.

I have a friend that is allergic to alcohol

Whenever he drinks it he breaks out in handcuffs

Trees are allergic to bees..

..when bees get too close, [they break out in hives.] (/spoiler)

Original joke!

My sister told me that she’s allergic to water

I told her, “You’re full of it.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

My Hispanic friend in the Navy is allergic to tofu

He’s a no soy marinero

We found out our child is allergic to cats

We’ve sent it to a hospice and we will try to get another one.

After all, not every child will be allergic.

I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat...

“I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat. No more steaks for me.”

———“I’ve never heard of that. Is that a rare allergy.”

“No, I can’t even have it well done!”

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

Where's the worst place to bring someone who's allergic to apples?

New York City.

I'm allergic to football fields

They send me into NFLactic shock.

I am allergic to fire

Everytime I touch it I get burned

Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash

Broke out in hives

I have a French friend who is allergic to the number 8.

He's huit intolerant.

After my friend died from an allergic reaction to peanuts,

I went to his funeral. Everyone got upset when I put an Epipen on his tombstone.

So I explained:

"It's what he would have wanted"

what do you call a goofy yak that's allergic to gluten?

celiac silly yak

I found a stray cat today. Sadly, my dad is allergic to them so I had to put him down.

At least I still have the cat for comfort.

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

What do you call a Chinese man allergic to dogs?

Starving.

I was using penicillin, but it turned out that I was allergic.

I just can't take it anymore.

A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms. After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

You know the worst part about being allergic to bees and loving honey?

Breaking into hives

I have a medical condition where I’m allergic to only one type of pasta

It’s called macaroni and sneeze

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

I forgot what I'm allergic to, I'm trying to remember...

..its on the tip of my tongue

What's the saddest part about the relationship between a melon farmer and the girl who is allergic to melons?

They cant-elope!

Why was the man allergic to Christmas?

Because it's the reason for the sneason.

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.

I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction.

I'm Lacoste intolerant.

In the op room, what can you use in replacement of the anesthetic, if the patient's allergic to it ?

Earplugs.

My husband is allergic to our cat, so I have to give him away :/

He's a sweet-natured ginger, comes when called, well-trained, and works in IT. 28 years old, answers to "Kevin".

I went to the doctors....

To get the results of my blood test. He said everything is okay my cholesterol was a little high but nothing to worry about. He also told me I was allergic to rice. I wondered why I got out of breath everytime I ate rice. Apparently I'm Basmatic.

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

What do you call somebody who is allergic to wearing little alligators on their polo shirt?

Lacoste intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dermatologist sees a patient with a rash

One cold April morning, a dermatologist sees a young, female patient who says she has a skin problem on her chest. He tells her to lift the shirt and sees an 'H'-shaped rash. The dermatologist had never seen any letter-shaped rashes like this before so her asks her about it.

The woman sheepi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen

I was having an allergic reaction.

Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?

Turns out he was allergic to wool.

No nuts please

Her: I'll have the salad, no nuts please
Waiter: Of course
Me: It didn't say it had nuts?
Her: I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe
Me: That makes sense
Waiter: and for you?
Me: Steak, no bees, please.

Man sends to his sister who lives abroad

"Your favorite cat died"
She replied: "WTF man, this took me by surprise, you should've prepared me for such tragic news"
-and how on earth would I do that?
-first you tell me the cat went outside to play, the next day you say the weather has been freezing these few days, I wo...

Why couldn't the diabetic work construction?

He had an allergic reaction when he met the formin

Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives.

I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the waiter

So a customer says to the waiter, "I'm a vegetarian, I'm allergic to gluten, I don't eat carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and I'm allergic to nuts. What should I get?"

And the waiter says, "... the fuck out."

My friend told me he can’t drink milk. I asked him if he is lactose intolerant. He said he is actually allergic to the milk protein.

I said “No whey!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

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