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I think my penis is allergic to women

Everytime my penis is touched by a woman it gets all red and swollen

Sometimes it's sick too

In the op room, what can you use in replacement of the anesthetic, if the patient's allergic to it ?

Earplugs.

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

I’m really allergic to pollen

But I feel this spring will be breathtaking

How did King Kong find out he is allergic to latex?

By using a Kongdom

My friend told me he can’t drink milk. I asked him if he is lactose intolerant. He said he is actually allergic to the milk protein.

I said “No whey!”

I have a medical condition where I’m allergic to only one type of pasta

It’s called macaroni and sneeze

I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat...

“I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat. No more steaks for me.”

———“I’ve never heard of that. Is that a rare allergy.”

“No, I can’t even have it well done!”

What do you call a galaxy that's allergic to milk?

Galactose intolerant.

I'm allergic to vaseline.

Don't rub it in.

I have a friend that is allergic to alcohol

Whenever he drinks it he breaks out in handcuffs

What do you get if you're allergic to honey?

Hives.

A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms. After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

My friend died because he was allergic to plantains...

He went into bananaphalactic shock.

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A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever served in the military?”

“Yes.” he says. “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points towards employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy ...

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At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

You know the worst part about being allergic to bees and loving honey?

Breaking into hives

I'm allergic to weed

Everytime i smoke it my eyes get red.

What's the saddest part about the relationship between a melon farmer and the girl who is allergic to melons?

They cant-elope!

My sister told me that she’s allergic to water

I told her, “You’re full of it.”

An alpaca is allergic to almost all foods...

One day, there was an alpaca who was severely allergic to almost all foods. His friend Koala always invites him out to a lunch at a restaurant after a long and arduous day at the zoo, but because he is allergic to most foods, he cannot eat anything and must watch Koala eat his own food jealously....

We found out our child is allergic to cats

We’ve sent it to a hospice and we will try to get another one.

After all, not every child will be allergic.

I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction.

I'm Lacoste intolerant.

what do you call a goofy yak that's allergic to gluten?

celiac silly yak

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If you're allergic to milk, don't tell your fifth grade class

I was known as "the kid who's allergic to titties". The worst part is I believed it, so I thought for sure I was gay. But I second guessed myself, after remembering I was also allergic to nuts.


Later I found out I'm just dumb.

I was using penicillin, but it turned out that I was allergic.

I just can't take it anymore.

I have a French friend who is allergic to the number 8.

He's huit intolerant.

I've just discovered that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

Where's the worst place to bring someone who's allergic to apples?

New York City.

TIFU by making my customer the wrong sandwich, giving her an allergic reaction.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

I’m having an allergic reaction, quick, get my syringe!

It’s in that book over there, the Epi-Tome

A man has an allergic reaction...

So he decides to go to the doctor to see what the problem is. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man
"I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is you're allergic to peas, but the good news is it is curable, and with monthly treatment your allergy should be gone in about 7 years."
"Grea...

After my friend died from an allergic reaction to peanuts,

I went to his funeral. Everyone got upset when I put an Epipen on his tombstone.

So I explained:

"It's what he would have wanted"

I'm allergic to Vodka, I can't drink it.

It makes me break out in handcuffs.

My husband is allergic to our cat, so I have to give him away :/

He's a sweet-natured ginger, comes when called, well-trained, and works in IT. 28 years old, answers to "Kevin".

I found a stray cat today. Sadly, my dad is allergic to them so I had to put him down.

At least I still have the cat for comfort.

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash

Broke out in hives

I'm allergic to sharks..

..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol

...It's the damnedest thing. After 12 or 13 beers, I throw up!

Today I had an allergic reaction to a peanut...

**This title contains content from FINE BROTHERS ENTERTAINMENT who has it blocked on copyright grounds.**

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think I may be allergic to women

everytime they touch my penis the damn thing just swells up like crazy.

I forgot what I'm allergic to, I'm trying to remember...

..its on the tip of my tongue

I think i am allergic to leather.

Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.

Trees are allergic to bees..

..when bees get too close, [they break out in hives.] (/spoiler)

Original joke!

What do you call somebody who is allergic to wearing little alligators on their polo shirt?

Lacoste intolerant.

I never knew I was allergic to iron...

Because after hitting the weights I get swollen.

A guy walks into a coffee shop

He orders a coffee. The barista asks him if he'd like milk or cream. He responds "I'm allergic to the protein in milk." The barista replies "No whey?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot

Shit! I was gonna eat that! You know I am allergic to carrots!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Allergies

Two young men are sitting at a bar, one of them blonde, talking about their respective girlfriends.

One of them says, "So yeah, we started doing it the car so hard I had to go fix the suspension. But that's just a Saturday for me! How about you? Have you finally lost your virginity with your...

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Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

Interviewer: “Do you have any allergies?”

Applicant: “Yes, I’m allergic to caffeine so I don’t drink coffee.”

Interviewer: “Ok. Are you a veteran?”

Applicant: “Yes, I was in Iraq for 3 years.”

Interviewer: “Ok,...

Teacher: "Does anybody have any food allergies"

Carl: "Pollen"

​

Teacher: "Well, you don't eat pollen, do you?"

​

Carl: "No ma'am, I'm allergic"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boat was shipwrecked in the South Pacific, as a result...

A group of people from different nationalities found themselves stranded on a remote and beautiful island. The party consisted of:

-Two Italian men and one Italian woman

-Two French men and one French woman

-Two German men and one German woman

-Two Greek men and one Greek...

I love the cat more than my wife

She’s allergic and hates the cat

Roses are red..

Corpses are blue.

Sorry you're dead,

I forgot you're allergic to roses too

I, for one, found No Nut November to be quite a breeze

But then again, I am highly allergic

Every time I get greedy and take more than my fair share, I break out in hives.

I must be allergic to selfish.

Fuzzy Green Booger

A woman walks into a pet store one day looking for a pet to buy.

The pet store owner walks up:
"Can I help you find anything?"

The woman replies:
"I'm looking for a companion."

Owner: "How about a dog?"

Woman: "I'm allergic to dogs."

Owner: "How about a cat?...

I had to quit my job at the Tesla factory today

I was allergic to Elon’s Musk.

I can't place iron objects next to each other...

I'm allergic to Fe lines.

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Birth control alternatives

A husband and wife walk into a doctors office looking for alternative options for birth control as the pill is quite hormoney and the husband is allergic to latex.

They ask the doctor "we've been thinking about exclusively practising anal sex, surely there's no pregnancy risk there!"

D...

Dad, I think I'm lactose intolerant...

A family is sitting at the dining room table and the mom just served everyone lattes that she made. The son looks at his dad and says "Dad, I think I'm lactose intolerant." The dad says "Son, your mother made you that latte and you're going to like it."

A couple years later, they're sitting a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A retail store manager calls one of his male employees into his office.

The employee walks in with soaking wet hands.

“I’m sorry sir, but we’re going to have to let you go,” says the manager.

“Seriously?! Why is that?,” the man replies

“Well you use the women’s restroom at least 15 times a day, and many employees and customers have complained abou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Honeydicked

A married couple decide to go to a nude beach for their honeymoon.

As they are laying out enjoying the sun a bee flies right up between the wife’s legs. The husband rushes her to the hospital.

He explains to the doctor that his wife is allergic to bees and begs him to help.

S...

Never Stop Learning

My Grandpa always told me to never stop learning no matter how old you get. In fact he was learning new things right up until the day he died. On that very day, he learned he was allergic to peanuts.

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

If you're allergic to nuts, you might die.

The finebros confiscated my Epi-Pen

I was having an allergic reaction.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dermatologist sees a patient with a rash

One cold April morning, a dermatologist sees a young, female patient who says she has a skin problem on her chest. He tells her to lift the shirt and sees an 'H'-shaped rash. The dermatologist had never seen any letter-shaped rashes like this before so her asks her about it.

The woman sheepi...

Terrible Headache

A patient to a doctor:
- Doc, I guess I am allergic to leather shoes. Whenever I wake up with my shoes on, I feel terrible headache.

One time I took a blonde girl to the movies...

We bought our tickets and waited in line for snacks. I got popcorn; she got M&M's. We got a drink to split.

We sat down during the previews. I started eating my popcorn and she opened her M&M's and dumped them all out in her lap. She carefully separated them all by color, took all the...

A woman got stung by a bee on the golf course

As she was allergic to bee stings, she frantically ran to the clubhouse to get help. "I've been stung by a bee," she cried to the clubhouse attendant. "Where were you stung?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole," she said. He replied, "I think your stance may be a little too wide."

My boss said to me...

'Why do you break out in a rash every time I give you your pay check?'

Me: 'I'm allergic to peanuts!'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A collection of jokes I created when I was 11. Prepare for the wittiest jokes you will ever hear.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor! I've had an accident!
Doctor: The restrooms are down the hall.

What did the old tornado use to walk?
A hurri-cane!

What's the strongest shellfish?
A mussel!

What kind of fish do you find in a mine?
A goldfish!

Why did the puck ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Health and Safety Christmas Message

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only o...

I'm really scared that the Fine Bros are going to sue me

because I just had an allergic reaction.

Hey babe are you an angel?

Because I'm allergic to feathers.

A College Dilemma

I recently discovered that I'm allergic to dairy and as a result I've missed milkshakes terribly.

Today I decided to see what kind of damage I could do with chocolate almond milk and frozen bananas.

I live in an apartment complex (the dorms), and for some reason while I was doing this ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If life's my oyster...

Then I must be fucking allergic to shellfish

An Asian boy come home from the doctor and he tells his dad...

Son: Dad the doctor said I'm allergic to bees

Dad: That good, now you can only get A

Why did the celiac patient have to skip leg-day?

Because he's allergic to glutes

Always diagnose before you treat...

A woman walks into the dermatologists office complaining about a rash on her chest. The doctor asks to take a look, so she removes her shirt, revealing a large, red 'H' on her skin. Believing this to be a case of contact dermatitis, the doctor asks her what could have caused this. "Well", she said, ...