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Just found out today that I'm allergic to Viagra.

It makes me swell up.

TIL I'm allergic to leather.

Every time I wake up with my shoes on, I have a massive headache and feel quite sick.

Turns out, I’m allergic to latex

… I learned that one the hard way

A friend of mine opposes religion so much that they say they’re “allergic to Jesus.”

So I told them to take an anti-theist-amine.

What's the nightmare of a president who is allergic to stone fruit?

Impeachment

Did you hear about the amputee who nearly died from an allergic reaction?

Apparently he was lack-toes intolerant.

Do not pick on allergic people

They might overreact

I’m allergic to crocodiles on t-shirts

I’m lacoste intolerant

Allergic to crying

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she cried too much and it set off my allergies.


Apparently I'm lachrymose intolerant.

I recently found out I’m allergic to alliteration

*Achoo*

I’m allergic to cotton

I would take medicine for it, but I can’t get it out of the bottle

What is the most allergic nut?

The Ca.........shew!!!!!

I'll see myself out.

I found out I’m allergic to tequila...

Every time I drink it, I break out in handcuffs.

What type of drug can you take if you have an allergic reaction to Rowan Atkinson?

Anti-MisterBeans

My friend threw away some Nag Champa I bought for them claiming to be allergic to it.

I feel like they are very incense-itive.

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

What do you get when you’re allergic to honey?

HIVES

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i knew this one guy who is allergic to masturbation.



last I heard he died from a stroke.

My new boyfriend is allergic to my dog.

So, I can't keep him. He's
ginger & named tom. Friendly.
Comes when called. 28yrs-old
& works in IT.

Did you hear about the woman who is allergic to WIFI?

I hear doctors cleared her to go to weddings but she has to stay away from the reception.

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms. After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

I'm allergic to soft cheese.

It doesn't abrie with my stomach.

I'm allergic to peanuts

If I'm even in the same room as Snoopy my face starts to swell up.

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

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I'm allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts and I'm vegan. What can I get?

**Waiter:** The fuck outta here.

What berry are the turtles allergic to?

Strawberry

What do you call a galaxy that's allergic to milk?

Galactose intolerant.

A man visits his doctor after a severe allergic reaction.

The doctor enters the examination room and asks him, "How are we feeling today?"







The man replies, "Swell!"

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

I’m really allergic to pollen

But I feel this spring will be breathtaking

I've just discovered that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

TIFU by making my customer the wrong sandwich, giving her an allergic reaction.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

Did I ever tell you I'm allergic to bacon?

It brings me out in rashers.

My ex gf was allergic to wax

No-one has ever been able to hold a candle to her

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If you're allergic to milk, don't tell your fifth grade class

I was known as "the kid who's allergic to titties". The worst part is I believed it, so I thought for sure I was gay. But I second guessed myself, after remembering I was also allergic to nuts.


Later I found out I'm just dumb.

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out?

She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

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At a young age I realised I was allergic to communion wine

It would always make me sleepy and I’d wake up with a sore arse

In the op room, what can you use in replacement of the anesthetic, if the patient's allergic to it ?

Earplugs.

My friend died because he was allergic to plantains...

He went into bananaphalactic shock.

her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat...

“I just found out that I’m allergic to red meat. No more steaks for me.”

———“I’ve never heard of that. Is that a rare allergy.”

“No, I can’t even have it well done!”

I have a friend that is allergic to alcohol

Whenever he drinks it he breaks out in handcuffs

I have a medical condition where I’m allergic to only one type of pasta

It’s called macaroni and sneeze

My sister told me that she’s allergic to water

I told her, “You’re full of it.”

I'm allergic to weed

Everytime i smoke it my eyes get red.

I found a stray cat today. Sadly, my dad is allergic to them so I had to put him down.

At least I still have the cat for comfort.

You know the worst part about being allergic to bees and loving honey?

Breaking into hives

My friend told me he can’t drink milk. I asked him if he is lactose intolerant. He said he is actually allergic to the milk protein.

I said “No whey!”

Where's the worst place to bring someone who's allergic to apples?

New York City.

What's the saddest part about the relationship between a melon farmer and the girl who is allergic to melons?

They cant-elope!

I have a French friend who is allergic to the number 8.

He's huit intolerant.

I'm allergic to sharks..

..one shark bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

A man has an allergic reaction...

So he decides to go to the doctor to see what the problem is. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man
"I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is you're allergic to peas, but the good news is it is curable, and with monthly treatment your allergy should be gone in about 7 years."
"Grea...

I can't wear any clothes with a crocodile on them because I get an allergic reaction.

I'm Lacoste intolerant.

Why couldn't the diabetic work construction?

He had an allergic reaction when he met the formin

We found out our child is allergic to cats

We’ve sent it to a hospice and we will try to get another one.

After all, not every child will be allergic.

what do you call a goofy yak that's allergic to gluten?

celiac silly yak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My kid got sent home from school one day.

They said he was catching bees and throwing them at other kids. So I sat him down and had a chat. I said, "Son, you can't be doing that, obviously it's not ok to throw bees at people, they could get stung and what happens if someone has an allergic reaction? How would you feel if that happened?" A...

My husband is allergic to our cat, so I have to give him away :/

He's a sweet-natured ginger, comes when called, well-trained, and works in IT. 28 years old, answers to "Kevin".

After my friend died from an allergic reaction to peanuts,

I went to his funeral. Everyone got upset when I put an Epipen on his tombstone.

So I explained:

"It's what he would have wanted"

Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash

Broke out in hives

Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol

...It's the damnedest thing. After 12 or 13 beers, I throw up!

Trees are allergic to bees..

..when bees get too close, [they break out in hives.] (/spoiler)

Original joke!

I forgot what I'm allergic to, I'm trying to remember...

..its on the tip of my tongue

Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy I break out in hives.

I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.

I'm allergic to football fields

They send me into NFLactic shock.

I'm allergic to chickpeas.

Any time I eat them I falafel.

I never knew I was allergic to iron...

Because after hitting the weights I get swollen.

Why did the peanut never come to school?

Because everyone was allergic to him.

(Made up by my 7 year old in response to the other joke I posted by my 9 year old)

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A woman calls her husband in panic...

"Honey, my lips are swollen. I think I may have an allergic reaction!"

Her husband drives home as fast as he can to bring her to the hospital, but when he gets home he sees nothing out of the ordinary about her.

"Honey, you said your lips were swollen?", he asks. She looks down with an...

My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?"

I said, "Because I'm allergic to peanuts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

A woman was golfing and got stung by a bee.

She was severely allergic to bee stings so she went to the doctor right away. She said “doc, I was on the course when I got stung”. The doctor asked her where she got stung, and she told him, between the first and second hole. The doctor replied, “ it sounds like your stance is too wide”.

Did you hear about the Scottish man who thought he had an std?

It turns out he was just allergic to wool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

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