What does a vampire take when he has the sniffles

Coffin Cold

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A man is sitting alone in a bar

A man is sitting alone in a bar staring at a drink. In walks a surly, tatted up biker. He sees the man sitting alone, walk over, picks up the man’s drink and downs it in one go. He then looks at the man and says, “What are ya gonna do about it, huh?”

The man suddenly starts to break down cry...

A man with the 'Rona disease

A man with the 'Rona disease
Threw caution and care to the breeze
No mask with his kin
He did them all in
With a sniffle a cough and a sneeze.

I was out shopping with the wife the other day when i saw a group of young ladies all wearing mini skirts.

I said, "Ooh look at those legs, I bet you wish you had legs like them?"
She didn't answer, but I think it upset her because I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

Two men are fishing on a lake

Two men are fishing on a lake when they see a funeral procession passing on a nearby road. One of the men stands up, removes his hat, and bows his head.
"That was a very decent thing to do," says the second man.
"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 20 years after all."

A 5 year old boy asked his dad...

A 5 year old boy asked his dad - "Daddy.. what are those bumps on mommy's chest?"

The father, a bit uncomfortable at the question, decided his son was too young to learn about female anatomy.

"Those are mommy's balloons, son", said the father. "And when she dies, they'll float her up t...

The Ob_GYN office

3 heavily pregnant women are waiting for their appointment

a brunette, a redhead, and a blond

the brunette pipes up " I was on top so I'm going to have a boy!"

the redhead then says " Well I was on the bottom so obviously mine will be a girl."

the blond starts crying
...

Why did you die?

So a man named John is in the cemetery, just like every Sunday, visiting his wife.

But this day was different than the others. Today a man was on his hands and knees weeping and shouting, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

Well John feels sorry for the guy so he heads over and asks th...

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A man walks into an elevator...

There is a lone woman in there. After he presses his floor and the elevator door closes, he sniffles, leans in to the woman and asks; "Ma'am, can I smell your pussy?"

She violently turns to him and exclaims, "You sir, most certainly can NOT!!!

He replies, "Ah, it must be your armpi...

At the Pearly Gates, there is a men's entrance and a women's entrance

and at the men's entrance there are two smaller doors for married men. Over one there is the inscription FOR MEN WHO WERE DOMINATED ALL THEIR LIVES BY THEIR WIVES and over the other it reads FOR MEN WHO WERE NOT DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES.

One morning at opening-up time St Peter comes and unl...

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I've never been fucked.

A lady with no arms or legs was sitting on the beach looking into the sunset sobbing. As a lone man was walking by with his dog he noticed the lady crying and decided to go over and ask if everything was alright.

Man: Excuse me ma’am is everything ok?
Lady: No. (sniffles) Not really.
M...

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A blond, a brunette and a redhead, all three pregnant, are in the waiting room of their OBI-GYN . . .

and they are chatting about what motherhood is going to be like. The talk drifts to whether they think their respective babies will be boys or girls. "Well," said the redhead, "I wouldn't be surprised if I had a boy, since whenever my partner and I have sex, he's always on top and I heard that mak...

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A flea is sitting on a bench in Florida...

and he looks miserable. He has the sniffles, he's sneezing and has the chills. He has a blanket wrapped around him for warmth.
Just then a friend of his walks by and notices him sitting there all sick and dejected. The friend sits next to him.
"Liam! What's wrong? You look absolutely awful."<...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the hospital. You see, inside was his dear wife, about to give birth to their first child. The Chicken was, of course, rather excited. "I'm about to become a Dad!" he thought to himself, racing down the white, squeaky corridors of the hospital.

He burst into the maternity ward's wai...

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The suicidal girl and the sailor

I've tried to translate this joke from norwegian... Hopefully it is understandable :-)


A young beautiful girl was so depressed with her life, that she would take her own life by jumping from a bridge out in the ocean.
She went to a tall bridge and was just about to jump out, when a yo...

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I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre.

I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre. "What Evers the matter?" I asked him.

The old man wiped his eyes and gave out a whispering sniffle "you know son I'm the luckiest man alive. I'm 91 years old, I've traveled around the world, I'm a multi millionaire and ...

So a woman is being held hostage...

There's a man robbing her as she's tied to a chair in her livingroom with a blindfold on. He tells her to quietly count to 100 and proceeds to start looting her home.

As he's doing this he hears the woman behind him counting "one.....three....five....seven..". The man turns around and asks he...

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A doctor and his wife were having lunch...

...and a beautiful young woman walks by and winks at the doctor suggestively. She cooes, "How's it goin', doc?" and walks away, hips swaying.

The wife, confused, asks, "Who was that, dear?"

The doctor took a sip of his wine and said casually, "That's my mistress Arielle."

The wi...

I approached the grieving widow at the funeral.

"Tell me my dear, what were his final words?"

She sniffled and feebly replied.

"You don't scare me with that gun Martha, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!"

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