My most treasured possession is an Epipen

The last thing my best friend ever did was give it to me. It doesn't seem like much, but he really, really wanted me to have it. *sniffle*

What does a vampire take when he has the sniffles

Coffin Cold

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

Two women go to a hospital for tests.

One of them is worried she might be pregnant, and the other one has the sniffles. They get tested, but their results get switched. The woman with the sniffles receives the result saying that she's pregnant.

"Dammit!!" she exclaims, "You can't even trust vegetables anymore!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m no longer a 32 year old virgin!

Happy birthday to me!...

::sniffle::

I was out shopping with the wife when we came across a group of young ladies wearing mini skirts. I said, “ooh look at them legs! I bet you had legs like them.”

She didn’t answer but I think she was upset since I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp to Walmart.

Son: *crying* Santa isn't real!

Me: of course he is!

Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't come

Me: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting alone in a bar

A man is sitting alone in a bar staring at a drink. In walks a surly, tatted up biker. He sees the man sitting alone, walk over, picks up the man’s drink and downs it in one go. He then looks at the man and says, “What are ya gonna do about it, huh?”

The man suddenly starts to break down cry...

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

Why did you die?

So a man named John is in the cemetery, just like every Sunday, visiting his wife.

But this day was different than the others. Today a man was on his hands and knees weeping and shouting, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

Well John feels sorry for the guy so he heads over and asks th...

A man with the 'Rona disease

A man with the 'Rona disease
Threw caution and care to the breeze
No mask with his kin
He did them all in
With a sniffle a cough and a sneeze.

Two men are fishing on a lake

Two men are fishing on a lake when they see a funeral procession passing on a nearby road. One of the men stands up, removes his hat, and bows his head.
"That was a very decent thing to do," says the second man.
"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 20 years after all."

A 5 year old boy asked his dad...

A 5 year old boy asked his dad - "Daddy.. what are those bumps on mommy's chest?"

The father, a bit uncomfortable at the question, decided his son was too young to learn about female anatomy.

"Those are mommy's balloons, son", said the father. "And when she dies, they'll float her up t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've never been fucked.

A lady with no arms or legs was sitting on the beach looking into the sunset sobbing. As a lone man was walking by with his dog he noticed the lady crying and decided to go over and ask if everything was alright.

Man: Excuse me ma’am is everything ok?
Lady: No. (sniffles) Not really.
M...

The Ob_GYN office

3 heavily pregnant women are waiting for their appointment

a brunette, a redhead, and a blond

the brunette pipes up " I was on top so I'm going to have a boy!"

the redhead then says " Well I was on the bottom so obviously mine will be a girl."

the blond starts crying
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into an elevator...

There is a lone woman in there. After he presses his floor and the elevator door closes, he sniffles, leans in to the woman and asks; "Ma'am, can I smell your pussy?"

She violently turns to him and exclaims, "You sir, most certainly can NOT!!!

He replies, "Ah, it must be your armpi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blond, a brunette and a redhead, all three pregnant, are in the waiting room of their OBI-GYN . . .

and they are chatting about what motherhood is going to be like. The talk drifts to whether they think their respective babies will be boys or girls. "Well," said the redhead, "I wouldn't be surprised if I had a boy, since whenever my partner and I have sex, he's always on top and I heard that mak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flea is sitting on a bench in Florida...

and he looks miserable. He has the sniffles, he's sneezing and has the chills. He has a blanket wrapped around him for warmth.
Just then a friend of his walks by and notices him sitting there all sick and dejected. The friend sits next to him.
"Liam! What's wrong? You look absolutely awful."<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The suicidal girl and the sailor

I've tried to translate this joke from norwegian... Hopefully it is understandable :-)


A young beautiful girl was so depressed with her life, that she would take her own life by jumping from a bridge out in the ocean.
She went to a tall bridge and was just about to jump out, when a yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre.

I came across a really old man crying his eyes out in a shopping centre. "What Evers the matter?" I asked him.

The old man wiped his eyes and gave out a whispering sniffle "you know son I'm the luckiest man alive. I'm 91 years old, I've traveled around the world, I'm a multi millionaire and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor and his wife were having lunch...

...and a beautiful young woman walks by and winks at the doctor suggestively. She cooes, "How's it goin', doc?" and walks away, hips swaying.

The wife, confused, asks, "Who was that, dear?"

The doctor took a sip of his wine and said casually, "That's my mistress Arielle."

The wi...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the hospital. You see, inside was his dear wife, about to give birth to their first child. The Chicken was, of course, rather excited. "I'm about to become a Dad!" he thought to himself, racing down the white, squeaky corridors of the hospital.

He burst into the maternity ward's wai...

So a woman is being held hostage...

There's a man robbing her as she's tied to a chair in her livingroom with a blindfold on. He tells her to quietly count to 100 and proceeds to start looting her home.

As he's doing this he hears the woman behind him counting "one.....three....five....seven..". The man turns around and asks he...

I approached the grieving widow at the funeral.

"Tell me my dear, what were his final words?"

She sniffled and feebly replied.

"You don't scare me with that gun Martha, you couldn't hit the broad side of a barn!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.