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Symptom Jokes

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

Why is it called "a" symptomatic if you don't have symptoms?

Because if you did have symptoms you would "b" symptomatic!

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

Hearing Loss Symptoms

Worried he was losing his hearing, a man makes a doctor visit.

The doctor asked, "please describe the symptoms".

"Well, he's bald and overweight and she's tall with blue hair."

I searched “dementia symptoms” on Google…

All of the links were purple.

The paramedic wanted to know about my symptoms.

I told his I've got chills.

He asked if they were multiplying.

I went to my doctor with some unusual symptoms...

The doctor said "I might have a diagnosis if you can answer me one question. Do you have synesthesia?"

I replied, "No, but I can see what you're saying."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday.

It was just a Saturday Night Fever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A: A steady pounding sensation in your ass.

A telltale symptom of COVID-19 is the loss of taste.

So when my sister suddenly decided to buy plaid curtains, I checked her into the hospital immediately.

I googled alzheimers symptoms...

And it had already been searched before.

What do you call someone who identifies disease by reading about symptoms on Google?

Google Doc

I think my wife’s showing symptoms of Alzheimers.

She’s telling me everyday that she can’t remember what she saw in me that made her marry me.

They found a new symptom that can identify Coronavirus.

The sudden urge to travel.

A symptom of covid is loss of taste

My friend should get tested, he dresses terribly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What symptom exists in all the politicians?

Constipation. Because they are so full of shit all the time.

A man has been seeing the same doctor for yeats for the same symptoms with no results.

Finally one day the doctor says, "Okay, here's what I want you to do. I want you to take the longest, hottest bath you can stand, then I want you to open all the doors and windows in the house."

The man says "But doctor, I'll get pneumonia, won't I?"

And the doctor says "Yes, but I kno...

Did you hear about another recently discovered symptom of COVID-19?

Elect-ile dysfunction.

When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in?

Right off the bat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" The biker replies..

...Yes Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

How does Jeff Bezos tell his doctor that his Covid symptoms are horrible?

“Doc, I feel like a million bucks.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very rich, yet stingy businessman had symptoms of corona...

He decided to get himself tested and went to the clinic.

After he returned from the clinic he saw few calls from his business partner. So he called him back.

His business partner picked up. he sounded worried, "Hey I've been trying to reach you! You didn't pick up so I called your home...

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

Strange symptoms

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were.

I told him they were a yellow cartoon family.

My first patient of the day walked in and began describing her symptoms in graphic detail.

They don't prepare you for this in veterinary school.

My Psychiatrist 'It seems like you have a fear of getting married. Do you know the symptoms?'

'I can't say I do.'

'Exactly. That's one of them.'

Two symptoms of coronavirus are brain fog and irritability

I’ve just realised I’ve had long covid since about 2001

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

A symptom of Covid-19 is losing your sense of taste

According to my wardrobe I've had it for years!

So I’m trying to open a chain of outdoor, overnight facilities to help children overcome symptoms of ADHD.

Unfortunately I’m having trouble getting the bank to approve a loan for concentration camps.

What did Sauron say when he got to the hospital with severe covid symptoms?

ICU

Heard one of the symptoms of COVID-19 was liking Nickleback...

... sorry looks like I misread the loss of taste.

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

They say one of the symptoms of Coronavirus is lack of taste

Prayers up for everyone who thinks this is a funny joke format

Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.

Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."

A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...

A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:

Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”

Doc: “What’s the problem?”

Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower ri...

A plaintiff with feverish symptoms asks the judge for medication

Motrin denied

I started a summer camp for kids with add/adhd to teach them to manage their symptoms.

It didn’t do so well, people kept telling me “Concentration Camp” was a bad name.

I am slowly losing the fight against my crippling depression symptoms.

I couldn’t be happier.

I have a cold and the symptoms keep changing.

It’s a very fluid situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since getting Coronavirus symptoms, the doctor advised my wife to avoid sexual contact with me.

As if she needed the reminder.

A woman goes to the doctor due to some distressing symptoms.

She tells him she can’t stop dancing and crooning ballads.

“Ma’am, you have Tom Jones syndrome” he says.

“Oh no! Is it rare?” She asks.

“Well, it’s not unusual....”

A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms.

\* Slow clap *

A woman visits the doctor as she has some strange symptoms and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope your husband likes changing diapers".

She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"

To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."

I read the symptoms for being a hypochondriac...

AND I HAVE ALMOST ALL OF THEM!!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus..

They’re calling it The Manhattan.

I took a video of my symptoms that suggested a bacterial infection

it turned out to be viral.

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

An ear doctor gets a phone call from a patient and asks him to describe the symptoms.

He says, "they're yellow, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair".

[Source](http://m.imgur.com/gallery/3axkvOQ)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

COVID-19 home test:

Open a beer and smell it. If you can smell the beer, this is good, as one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is a loss of smell.

Now drink the beer. If you can taste it, this is good, as another symptom of COVID-19 is loss of taste.

I was tested 11 times yesterday, and all tests turned out ne...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Pretty sure my girlfriend has covid

A symptom is a lack of taste

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 25 y.o. goes to her therapist...

Patient: "Doctor, I feel so bad lately, since I got my first raise at work, I can't stop taking cash outta my bank account and then go buy a bunch of useless stuff...

Doctor: "Hmm, can you describe more precisely how you are feeling?"

Patient: "Well, I get such a high when I take the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend had a few tips for alcohol consumers

From my friend

To all self respecting alcohol consumers...Self Care tips....

1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
Cause : Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure : Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward...

2. Symptom : Th...

My Dad is 69 approaching his 70s

He gets really worried because both his parents got Alzheimer’s around that age.

Tells me, son, if I ever start forgetting things or show any symptoms.. I j-ju-just know I can’t go through what they did.

So… please.. just … kill me.

“Dad that’s what you said 5 minutes ago”

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

The wait to see a doctor in the UK is getting so long, many are turning to Casualty instead.

They watch the show hoping someone turns up with the same symptoms as them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The latest scientific study on polar bears was just published

The study noted that loss of habitat in the north pole has caused some bears to migrate to the south pole, and also a severe increase in the number of manic/depressive symptoms in the bears studied. Due to lowering numbers, many bears were expressing sexual behaviors towards other bears of both sex...

A patient goes to his physician

He lists him some symptoms and after a workup the doctor says: I can’t find a reason for your problems, it must be the alcohol.

The patient responds: I’ll come back when you’re sober then.

Doctors discovered that during the coronavirus quarantine your food tastes different.

It’s either a symptom or it’s because everybody started washing their hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the spread of Coronavirus, many around the world appear to be developing Constipation:

Doctors say it is not a symptom of the disease, but rather an effect of the panic being incited by the disease. One doctor even proclaimed, "People seem to be Scared Shitless!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

Doctors

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started to ask her the usual questions, about symptoms, when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?” ...

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

What do you do if your medicine doesn't work?

if symptoms persist, insult your doctor

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a dog

'How long have you had these symptoms?'

'Ever since I was a puppy'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tested positive

I tested positive for being the worlds sexiest person. Unfortunately i am showing no symptoms

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

A man tells his doctor "I'm sure I have liver disease".

"That's ridiculous" said the doctor. "You'd never know if you have liver disease, there's no discomfort of any kind".

"Exactly!" says the man "Those are my precise symptoms!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful woman goes to see her doctor

After describing her symptoms, the doctor diagnoses her and recommends a suppository to treat her illness. The woman is uneasy about this and doctor offers to help her with it.

The next day the woman asks her husband for help with her suppository. She bends over, he places one hand on her sho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone likes to make fun of people who take Ivermectin

But I looked up some of the symptoms of Covid and apparently it can make you a little hoarse.


Sorry.

Have you heard about the new Covid strain going around?

The symptoms include loss of taste and smell, descent into horrific raving madness from gazing at Cthulu's twisted visage, and runny nose.

It's the Necromnicon variant.

A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona

They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.

Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.

Man: the 3P diet? What's that?

Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini

Man: but doctor, why?

Doctor: because they fit under the door

New Covid Test

A new and easy self test for the horror of Covid 19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.
Then dri...

Whoever doesn't like 80's music needs a Covid Test...

because the symptoms are they have no taste.

Doctor- “I’ve got good news and bad news...

“Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.”

Man- “That’s great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.”

Doctor- “Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.”

The Queen is laying in hospital with her children at her bedside.

“The doctors remain optimistic but I worry my rule is coming to an end”. She says.

“But the Doctors say you have the omicron variant, do they not?” Said Charles.

“That’s right”, she replied.

“And the Symptoms are minor are they not?” He continued

“It’s true, but my body i...

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer and a doctor area at a cocktail party

A person comes up to the doctor and asks about a symptom he's been having lately. The gives him some advice and turns to the lawyer.

It's always awkward when people ask me for my professional opinion in a casual setting. Do you think it's ok if I charge them?

Absolutely says the lawyer...

Doctor, I've got mustard in my eyes and I can't see a thing.

Doctor: any other symptoms?

Me: no, but I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before

Doctor: French mustard?

Me: yes, why?

Doctor: It's dijon view

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was vomit on his sweater already.

Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

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