UPJOKE
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My Psychiatrist 'It seems like you have a fear of getting married. Do you know the symptoms?'

'I can't say I do.'

'Exactly. That's one of them.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Travolta was admitted to a hospital with COVID symptoms last Sunday.

It was just a Saturday Night Fever.

So I’m trying to open a chain of outdoor, overnight facilities to help children overcome symptoms of ADHD.

Unfortunately I’m having trouble getting the bank to approve a loan for concentration camps.

How does Jeff Bezos tell his doctor that his Covid symptoms are horrible?

“Doc, I feel like a million bucks.”

My first patient of the day walked in and began describing her symptoms in graphic detail.

They don't prepare you for this in veterinary school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea, a patient told his urologist on the phone.

“The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”



“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptom she has.”

“Then you come in with him ...

I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

A telltale symptom of COVID-19 is the loss of taste.

So when my sister suddenly decided to buy plaid curtains, I checked her into the hospital immediately.

Why is it called "a" symptomatic if you don't have symptoms?

Because if you did have symptoms you would "b" symptomatic!

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

I googled alzheimers symptoms...

And it had already been searched before.

I told my doctor I was having problems with my hearing. He asked me what the symptoms were.

I told him they were a yellow cartoon family.

Did you hear about another recently discovered symptom of COVID-19?

Elect-ile dysfunction.

I think my wife’s showing symptoms of Alzheimers.

She’s telling me everyday that she can’t remember what she saw in me that made her marry me.

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

A symptom of covid is loss of taste

My friend should get tested, he dresses terribly

I Googled the symptoms of dementia

But all the links were purple.

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A: A steady pounding sensation in your ass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very rich, yet stingy businessman had symptoms of corona...

He decided to get himself tested and went to the clinic.

After he returned from the clinic he saw few calls from his business partner. So he called him back.

His business partner picked up. he sounded worried, "Hey I've been trying to reach you! You didn't pick up so I called your home...

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

They found a new symptom that can identify Coronavirus.

The sudden urge to travel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What symptom exists in all the politicians?

Constipation. Because they are so full of shit all the time.

Why did everyone have Covid-19 at the KPop concert?

Because a symptom of Coronavirus is lack of taste.

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in?

Right off the bat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy comes in to his doctor's offices having symptoms of tennis elbow. The doctor tells him to go home & pee in a cup & return it for analysis.

The patient thinks this is ridiculous so decides he'd mess with the doctor by taking a pee sample a from his wife. Gets some out of the unflushed toilet after his teenage daughter pee'd. Added some changed oil from his car. Even going so far as to put his sperm in it. The guy returns it for analysis...

Two symptoms of coronavirus are brain fog and irritability

I’ve just realised I’ve had long covid since about 2001

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: I think you have a pathological fear of getting married. Do you understand the symptoms?

Man: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly!

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

A symptom of Covid-19 is losing your sense of taste

According to my wardrobe I've had it for years!

A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" The biker replies..

...Yes Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

What did Sauron say when he got to the hospital with severe covid symptoms?

ICU

The Queen is laying in hospital with her children at her bedside.

“The doctors remain optimistic but I worry my rule is coming to an end”. She says.

“But the Doctors say you have the omicron variant, do they not?” Said Charles.

“That’s right”, she replied.

“And the Symptoms are minor are they not?” He continued

“It’s true, but my body i...

Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.

Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

^(Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section)

A man tells his doctor "I'm sure I have liver disease".

"That's ridiculous" said the doctor. "You'd never know if you have liver disease, there's no discomfort of any kind".

"Exactly!" says the man "Those are my precise symptoms!"

I started a summer camp for kids with add/adhd to teach them to manage their symptoms.

It didn’t do so well, people kept telling me “Concentration Camp” was a bad name.

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid...

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

Heard one of the symptoms of COVID-19 was liking Nickleback...

... sorry looks like I misread the loss of taste.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Have you heard about the new Covid strain going around?

The symptoms include loss of taste and smell, descent into horrific raving madness from gazing at Cthulu's twisted visage, and runny nose.

It's the Necromnicon variant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since getting Coronavirus symptoms, the doctor advised my wife to avoid sexual contact with me.

As if she needed the reminder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus..

They’re calling it The Manhattan.

What do you do if your medicine doesn't work?

if symptoms persist, insult your doctor

A woman visits the doctor as she has some strange symptoms and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope your husband likes changing diapers".

She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"

To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tested positive

I tested positive for being the worlds sexiest person. Unfortunately i am showing no symptoms

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a dog

'How long have you had these symptoms?'

'Ever since I was a puppy'

A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms.

\* Slow clap *

Honey you are exhibiting the signs of Covid-19, I observed the symptoms when I went down on you

and there was a new sudden lack of taste or smell.

Strange symptoms

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

I am slowly losing the fight against my crippling depression symptoms.

I couldn’t be happier.

Scientists have discovered a candy that can treat the symptoms of yeast infections in women

Liquorice

I went to see the doctor for a problem with my ears.

“What are the symptoms?” asked the doctor.

“They’re a funny yellow family on TV”

A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:

Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”

Doc: “What’s the problem?”

Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower ri...

A plaintiff with feverish symptoms asks the judge for medication

Motrin denied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone likes to make fun of people who take Ivermectin

But I looked up some of the symptoms of Covid and apparently it can make you a little hoarse.


Sorry.

A woman goes to the doctor due to some distressing symptoms.

She tells him she can’t stop dancing and crooning ballads.

“Ma’am, you have Tom Jones syndrome” he says.

“Oh no! Is it rare?” She asks.

“Well, it’s not unusual....”

I have a cold and the symptoms keep changing.

It’s a very fluid situation.

I took a video of my symptoms that suggested a bacterial infection

it turned out to be viral.

A lemon gets sick

A lemon is walking home late one night and gets caught in a thunderstorm. With no raincoat or umbrella around, he toughs it out and paces home as quickly as possible.

Unfortunately, the lemon ends up catching a cold with some light fever and coughs from prolonged exposure in the rain and cold...

An ear doctor gets a phone call from a patient and asks him to describe the symptoms.

He says, "they're yellow, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair".

[Source](http://m.imgur.com/gallery/3axkvOQ)

How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

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A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her.

The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the s...

I read the symptoms for being a hypochondriac...

AND I HAVE ALMOST ALL OF THEM!!!!!

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

Pretty sure my girlfriend has covid

A symptom is a lack of taste

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop a...

John went to the doctors for a stomach pain that had been bothering him for months.

The doctor quickly identified the problem and prescribed some painkillers to alleviate the symptoms. But he explained:
"They're suppositories, so need to be taken rectally. I'll do the first one for you, so you know how."
So John bends forward and the doctor inserts the first suppository. It's...

A moth flies into a doctor's office.

The doctor asks "do you have any symptoms?"

The moth responds "no symptoms, although I am feeling a little sad."

The doctor says "maybe you should go to the circus, the great Pagliachi is in town."

The moth responds "but doctor! I am Pagliachi!"

"Then why are you here," s...

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor started asking her all the usual questions about her symptoms when she interrupted him, “Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking at them.”

She smugly added "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, s...

COVID-19 home test:

Open a beer and smell it. If you can smell the beer, this is good, as one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is a loss of smell.

Now drink the beer. If you can taste it, this is good, as another symptom of COVID-19 is loss of taste.

I was tested 11 times yesterday, and all tests turned out ne...

Doctor, I've got mustard in my eyes and I can't see a thing.

Doctor: any other symptoms?

Me: no, but I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before

Doctor: French mustard?

Me: yes, why?

Doctor: It's dijon view

A woman goes to the doctor because she suspects she might have covid

She enters the office and while she was in the middle of explaining her symptoms the doctor with a blushed face calls his assistant and asks for a room to admit the woman into the hospital.

The woman surprised says "Are you sure I have covid? It's just a mild cough and I haven't been even tes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

Fpfizer is Pfantastic!

I got the Phfzer vaccine and so pfar I've had no pflu symptoms. I pfeel just pfine which is pfantastic.



Thanks Rick Arron whoever you are. Pfunny guy.

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was vomit on his sweater already.

Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

Bob and Rose are getting on in years, and their memories aren't what they used to be.

They make a visit to the doctor, who does a thorough check-up, before telling them that there's nothing to worry about, and that this is just a symptom of getting older.

"One thing you could try", the doc says, "is to write down the things you need to remember. Many of my patients say that he...

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

New Covid Test

A new and easy self test for the horror of Covid 19 is doing the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it; then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there.
Then dri...

A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona

They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.

Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.

Man: the 3P diet? What's that?

Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini

Man: but doctor, why?

Doctor: because they fit under the door

Two elderly men sitting in park

Two elderly men sitting in park. Both are starting to have Alzheimer symptoms. They discuss as they usually do on Monday PMs.



One of them sees a food truck across the park and tells the other one: "I'd like an ice cream, chocolate almonds ice cream. Do you want me to get you one ?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the spread of Coronavirus, many around the world appear to be developing Constipation:

Doctors say it is not a symptom of the disease, but rather an effect of the panic being incited by the disease. One doctor even proclaimed, "People seem to be Scared Shitless!"

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