I went to the doctor and said "Doctor, I'm having trouble hearing." The doctor said "What are the symptoms?"

I said "A yellow cartoon family"

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

I started a summer camp for kids with add/adhd to teach them to manage their symptoms.

It didn’t do so well, people kept telling me “Concentration Camp” was a bad name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What symptom exists in all the politicians?

Constipation. Because they are so full of shit all the time.

Heard one of the symptoms of COVID-19 was liking Nickleback...

... sorry looks like I misread the loss of taste.

I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms ?", he asked.

I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in?

Right off the bat

Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.

Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."

A symptom of covid is loss of taste

My friend should get tested, he dresses terribly

I was coughing and started to feel like I had a fever. I typed in my symptoms into the computer.

It said I have “Network Connectivity Problems”

They found a new symptom that can identify Coronavirus.

The sudden urge to travel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus..

They’re calling it The Manhattan.

A symptom of Covid-19 is losing your sense of taste

According to my wardrobe I've had it for years!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since getting Coronavirus symptoms, the doctor advised my wife to avoid sexual contact with me.

As if she needed the reminder.

LPT: Sweet tasting urine is often the first symptom for those with undiagnosed diabetes. In related news..

.. my hamster has diabetes.

'You have a fear of marriage, do you know the symptoms?' ...

'I can't say I do'..

You order one pizza and you love it. Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread. Before you know it, you're eating pizzas for every meal and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one...

That's the domino effect...

Strange symptoms

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: It seems like you have acute marriage phobia. Do you know the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say that I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a concussion. What other symptoms should I look out for?

Ah shit. I forgot.

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems The Doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" The biker replies..

...Yes Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming,...

I am slowly losing the fight against my crippling depression symptoms.

I couldn’t be happier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A: A steady pounding sensation in your ass.

A plaintiff with feverish symptoms asks the judge for medication

Motrin denied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into his doctor's office...

...complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.

"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring an apple, and an orange and a Mars Bar" said the doctor.

D...

A woman visits the doctor as she has some strange symptoms and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope your husband likes changing diapers".

She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"

To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

Doctors discovered that during the coronavirus quarantine your food tastes different.

It’s either a symptom or it’s because everybody started washing their hands.

A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona

They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.

Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.

Man: the 3P diet? What's that?

Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini

Man: but doctor, why?

Doctor: because they fit under the door

Anyone who subscribes to r/Jokes should be tested for Coronavirus

One of the symptoms of the disease is having no taste.

A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:

Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”

Doc: “What’s the problem?”

Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower ri...

Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

^(Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section)

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.

After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was l...

A cat goes to the doctor to get diagnosed

He goes to his office and says:

Cat:"Doc, the last few weeks have been really rough, My head is starting to hurt a lot and my tummy hurts"

Doctor:"Well, those are common symptoms for...Damn it I forgot what's its called!"

Cat:"C'mon doc, I'm dying from curiosity"

Doctor:"...

My young child is feeling sick

Fortunately he's only showing minor symptoms

When bread gets depressed what is the most common symptom?

Self-loafing.

Did you know people that wear Crocs are more likely to have COVID-19?

One of the first symptoms is lack of taste.

What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.

Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Please don't go waltzing COVID-19

Once a jolly swagman traveled to the China land,

And he came back symptom free,

And he sang as he shopped and he huddled til' his virus roiled,

"I'll go a'waltzing COVID-19"

Waltzing COVID, waltzing COVID

He went a'waltzing COVID-19

And he sang as he shopped...

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

**I've worked out this Corona Virus!!!**

**IT'S BEEN CREATED BY WOMEN!!!**

***Think about it.....***

01, No Sports.

02, All Pubs to shut.

03, 14 Days Quarantine *(so you can finally get those odd jobs done)*

04, Symptoms of Corona are flu like ......  THEY K...

A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms.

\* Slow clap *

I caught the flu in Madrid

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick?" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the spread of Coronavirus, many around the world appear to be developing Constipation:

Doctors say it is not a symptom of the disease, but rather an effect of the panic being incited by the disease. One doctor even proclaimed, "People seem to be Scared Shitless!"

A mechanic and a Doctor are talking

The mechanic and doctor are good friends hanging out when the mechanic says

"You know our jobs are similar. We both have to study symptoms, run diagnostics, and repair/replace faulty parts." The doctor nods in agreement. "So why do you make so much more than us?"

The doctor smiles and ...

Man 1: Have you gotten coronavirus yet?

Man 2: That depends, do the symptoms include oozing sores on your genitalia?

Man 1: No!

Man 2: What a relief!

Doctor, I touched my face and now I keep saying “my my my my woo!”

What do I have?

Sharonavirus

Note: the young do not show symptoms when exposed to the above...

Since yesterday I've been feeling a strong urge to take a world tour.

The symptoms of Coronavirus are probably kicking in.

I have a cold and the symptoms keep changing.

It’s a very fluid situation.

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

A woman comes home from work.

Her husband says: honey the doctor called with your test results. He said all of your symptoms are psychosomatic.

She asks: what does that mean?

He replies: it means that just like you, all of your problems are mental.

A woman goes to the doctor due to some distressing symptoms.

She tells him she can’t stop dancing and crooning ballads.

“Ma’am, you have Tom Jones syndrome” he says.

“Oh no! Is it rare?” She asks.

“Well, it’s not unusual....”

I took a video of my symptoms that suggested a bacterial infection

it turned out to be viral.

A mother and her daughter went to the doctor's office...

The mother asked her doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her" the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped,"That's nonse...

A man went to the doctor

"Doc, I don't know why but this is killing me. Recently my throat always feel so tight, like a invisible force clutching my neck. And my nape is cold all the time. Please don't tell me these are the symptoms of a cancer..."

After a day's check, the man got his diagnosis, which reads:

"...

How is looking up your symptoms on WebMD like your July Horoscope?

It's probably cancer.

A man feels ill but isn't sure why.

A man and his wife go to the doctor to try and find out why he has been so ill and depressed for some time. When they arrive the doctor first examines the husband and runs some tests. They spend a few hours getting the relevant information then send them home to with wait for some of the results. ...

Quasimodo needed a sub bell ringer...

Put an ad in the paper. No one showed up for weeks.
Finally a knock on the door.
Guy standing there with no arms.
Quasi is incredulous, doesn’t think he can do it.
Guy begs..”c’mon Quasi, give me a chance...as a handicapped person yourself, you know how hard it is to find work”
Quasim...

An ear doctor gets a phone call from a patient and asks him to describe the symptoms.

He says, "they're yellow, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair".

[Source](http://m.imgur.com/gallery/3axkvOQ)

I read the symptoms for being a hypochondriac...

AND I HAVE ALMOST ALL OF THEM!!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A guy and a girl are fooling around...

A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her. The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wak...

Guy I think I'm a hypochondriac

I've done the research and I'm showing symptoms...

2019 has Mono

Its symptoms are likely caused by the Epstein-Barr virus

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have suffered from an annoying medical condition for a long time.

During sex, when I am just about to come, I suffer from shortness of breath, running nose and I burst into tears. The symptoms turned gradually so bad I had to consult a doctor. Today he called - the lab results were finally ready. It turns out that I am apparently terribly allergic to capsaisin spr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Timmy wakes up in the morning.....

And he feels great! He then gets ready for work and, on the way, he goes to a coffee shop.
The barista tells him: "are you ok? You look terrible".

He replies, "really? But I feel great!" He then continues to work.

He arrives, and his boss asks him, "Are you ok? You look terrible".<...

A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf

“What are the symptoms?” The doctor asks

“They’re that yellow family that live in Springfield”

Did you hear the local ATM was having issues?

It was having withdrawal symptoms.

I felt a bit sick yesterday, so I went to the doctor.

Doctor: Given your symptoms, you have Tom Jones disease.

Me: Is that rare?

Doctor: "It's not unusual".

God's Punishment

There lived a rabbi who was an avid golfer and played the game at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One day the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will...

Pol Pot was in his palace...

Pol Pot was in his palace in Phnom Penh one day when his lieutenant came in and told him that a plague had arrived in the west of Cambodia. The lieutenant told him that on the first day, the plague victims became covered in pustules and boils. On the second day, an incredible fever started which nev...

New marijuana research reveals that it cures...

Symptoms of motivation by up to 95%.

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town...

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cros...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A refugee visits a doctor

So after fleeing from his home country a young midlle eastern refugee ends up in a nice wealthy north european country. Everything seems to look good for him, till he starts to feel sick. He has no idea what could be the problem so he goes to visit a doctor.

After he told the doctor his symp...

I visited the doctors yesterday

Because I've had trouble with my hearing. I sat down in front of the doctor and he asked what the matter was. I explained I had trouble hearing the past few days, he asked if I could explain the symptoms. I said "Marge has blue hair and homers fat"

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water...

A man travels to Ireland for the first time.

His flight to Dublin arrives in the morning, and he travels into the countryside to stay for a few days. He goes to visit the Blarney Stone, feeds some animals at a ranch, and even gets to experience a rainstorm with a beautiful rainbow at the end. After his countryside excursion, he heads back to D...

Doctor- “I’ve got good news and bad news...

“Take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life and all your symptoms will disappear.”

Man- “That’s great! But I see there are only three pills in this bottle.”

Doctor- “Yeah, well... I was getting to the bad news.”

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

A man walks into his doctors

The man says "doctor help me I think I might be turning into a horse"
The doctor says "well have you had any symptoms"
The man says "neigh"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor's waiting room.



They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring. The fellow with the red ring was examined first. In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, "Don't worry, man, it's nothing."

Vastly relived, the...

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

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