UPJOKE
seizegrabcatchabductsnapkidnapnobblekidnappingswoopcaptureknockchasingclinchwinbit

Snatched Jokes

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

A french canadian owned a primate as pet. While walking his pet in a mixed neighbourhood, the primate snatched his car key and ran off. The guy shouted for help.

Mon Key!!!!

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

Just bought Drakes new single, but I couldn't listen to it because a damn fish jumped and snatched the cd out of my hand

I guess it was cod's plan.

A man went to a strip club

When he got inside he noticed an empty seat in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, ‘Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!’ The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
...

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have fo...

I went down to the deli the other day.

I went down to the deli the other day and got myself a sub sandwich. I walked out of the store and towards the park, and I was just about to take my first bite, when out of nowhere, Dave Grohl ran up behind me and snatched it from my grasp. I knew I couldn't outrun him, so I just shook my fist and t...

Do not drink and drive.

So I was taking a sip of my whiskey, someone straight up snatched my bottle at a red light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God was hungover…

(long)

God woke up with an unholy hangover.

He was rubbing His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door.

“Enter if you must!” God shouted.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. F...

Guy meets a Pirate in a bar.

He is missing an arm, a leg, and an eye. I mean stereotypical pirate.

Guy asks, "I got to know, how did you lose the leg?"

Pirate says, "arg, I was hunting a big-ol whale and a rope snatched 'round me leg and tore it clean off."

Guy says, "Wow, so- so how did you lose the arm."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.

Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green.

Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping ...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer was having an issue with his parrot

His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having sex with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot "if you have sex with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!"

The next day the fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two months ago, while I was leaving Wal-Mart, I got totally scammed.

These two gorgeous college girls, wearing nothing but bikini tops and mini-shorts, started washing my car just as I was about to leave the parking lot. When they were finished, I asked them, "How much should I pay you?" One of the two girls said, "We don't accept payment in money. We accept payment ...

The traveling salesman's toast

To all the kisses I've snatched ...


and vice versa.

At the San Diego zoo the other day…

And looking in on the chimpanzees section and a big male comes up to the glass Right in front of where I’m standing. The chimp points at my shirt pocket and holds his fingers up like he wants to smoke. I pull the pack of cigarettes out of by breast pocket and he starts nodding his head profusely. I...

Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you.”

Paul, her husband, replied “Priscilla?"

“I’m kidding. I was just making sure that you read my message.”

Paul took a moment, then repl...

Three Paddy's stranded in the desert

Three men; Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman, were stranded in the desert where they found a magic lamp.

Paddy Irishman picked it up, gave it a rub and a genie popped out and exclaimed "You have set me free! I'll grant you all one wish each!"

Paddy Scotsman went first...

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed..

... in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible.

Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.
As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his...

My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel

I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young brothers are having a conversation one morning.

The 6 year old says to the four year old, "When we go down to breakfast, I'll say a sentence with the word 'hell' and you say a sentence with the word 'ass'". The four year old nods his head in agreement and they excitedly go downstairs and sit at the kitchen table.
Mom kisses each boy on the for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese guy showed up in my favorite bar last night

He took a sip of beer. I asked him, "Do you know Kung Fu or any other martial arts?"

He became offended and said, "Are you asking because I'm asian? I don't, in fact!"

I snatched my beer back from him and said, "Good. Then buy your own fucking drink."

Second chances.

A priest whos sin is lust, A thief whos sin is greed, and a fat kid whos sin is gluttony, are all standing at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells them that there has been a mix up in schedules and only 2 of them should have died. Because of their sins they are all bound for hell. but St peter offers ...

A man is speaking with Saint Peter at the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.

Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and starte...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.