Puss Jokes - 43 Hilarious Puss Jokes

Whomever called them Kegels….

And not puss-ups really missed out

What does 90 year old puss taste like?

Depends

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

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What does a horny girl in a puss in boots cosplay say?

Finger me if you dare!

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I love this joke but it's in Venetian dialect so I'll try to translate it see if you like it

A man goes in this new place that matches you up with the prostitutes that fits you perfectly.

So he goes in, he pays the 100€ and gets in front of 2 doors.

One says "blonde" the other "brunette".

"Oh fam I'm all for that brunette puss ayy".

And he goes into the "brunett...

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A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

Watching Puss n Boots: You know if I were a criminal i dont think i could trust and egg for a partner...

They would crack to easy if the got caught!

Who named them Kegel exercises….

and not “puss-ups”?

My cat is constantly being mistaken for a dolphin.

Poor puss.

What do you call a cat who likes to pass gas?

Puss and toots

What do you call an ocean of Cats.

A Puss-Sea.

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

What do you get when you have a cat that eats a lemon?

A sour puss

What kind of flour should you use to make a cake for a cat?

All purr-puss flour.

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God woke up with a hangover.

He held His temples as one of His angels knocked gently on the door. He grumbled them inward.

"Sorry to disturb You, Sir," the angel said hesitantly. "But I wanted to congratulate you on yesterday's creations. For the most part, they were spectacular!"

"Wha...?" God mumbled blearily....

My Girlfriend decided to braid here pubes...

It was a plait-a-puss.

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Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

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Some of my favourite cat jokes

What's a cats favourite colour? **Purr-ple!**

What do you call a cat who drinks lemonade? **A Sour-Puss!**

What is a cats favourite car? **A Cat-illac!**

What is a cat's favourite day of the week? **Caturday!**

I put a flannel on my cat

Now it’s a Plaid-a-puss

What do you call a cat with 8 legs?

An octo-puss

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A man enters a public toilet and walks to a urinal.

At the adjacent urinal to him is a man with no hands, who is really having trouble trying to take a piss.
After a while of noticing the man's struggle, the guy offers some assistance.
The man with no hands thanks him and accepts the help. He asks if he can take out his penis and aim it at the...

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

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My wife arranged some hors d'oeuvres on her vagina

She was trying to make it look like a duck, but I thought it looked more like a platter puss.

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What does a priest get when he wants pussy?

Nun

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Trump's Halloween costume

Donald and his Melania are getting ready to go to a Halloween party. He says to her:" why dont you go upstairs and change into your costume." She goes upstairs and he hears some rustling around. 5 minutes later she appears and walks down the stairs. She is completely naked except for a a pair of th...

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A couple hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time, so they decided to dress up and go out.

The woman stripped naked, and tied a string between her legs with a lemon at the end of the string.

Her husband yelled, "You can't go out like that!"

She replied, "I can go out as whatever I want."

So the husband also took off all his clothes and tied a string to his penis with ...

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The Saloon NSFW

After a long night on the ranch this Ranch Hand decides to go to the saloon. When he gets there he realizes all his favorites are taking for the night so he ask the barkeep

"hey is there anyone free at the moment".

the barkeep replies

"all I got right now son is old granny". <...

Woman and her Cat

What did the woman do when a lemon tree fell her cat?

Nothing, she just stood there with a sour puss

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A couple was going to a costume party

The wife goes and gets changed and comes out with nothing but a lemon hanging around her waist. The husband says "what are you supposed to be?" The wife says "I'm going as a sour-puss." The husband says "alrighty then" and goes to get changed. He comes out with nothing but a potato hanging around hi...

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One of the first "dirty" jokes I heard when I was 10

So Jane sees Tarzan sneaking off one night and goes investigating. She follows his trail and finds him furiously humping a tree-trunk that has a curiously well-used looking hole in it. Initially disgusted, she's mollified thinking, "At least he wasn't doing it with other animals like everybody else ...

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Night to remember

A man is super horny and goes to a brothel but it's new years eve and everyone is booked out. He eventually finds the manager and begs.The manager is firm it's new years there no one free desperate the man says he'll pay double. The manager thinks for a moment and says well there is someone but i wo...

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[NSFW] A homeless man walked into a piano bar

No one was playing the piano so he asked the manager if he could play.
The manager, seeing the ragged dirty old man refused, but he was persistent and begged
“Oh please just one song, I’m REALLY good I promise”
So he allowed him, “Okay one song, but then you must leave”
The homeless ma...

Cat jokes

#10

Why does a tiger tell the truth?

Because he isn't a lion.

#9

If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat?

None! They were copy cats!

#8

Why did the cat run from the tree?

Because it was...

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Joke about infected penis

A man who appear to have no arms stands outside a public toilet for a long time.

A man uses the toilet notices him, and asks why is he standing there. He says he wants to pee, but the lack of hands is preventing him.

He decides to relieve the armless dudes plight, and helps him. He unz...

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So a guy walks into a bathroom and sees another guy with no arms staring sadly at the urinal.

He feels bad for the guy, but doesn't want to get involved, so he just does his business and tries to get outta there as fast as possible. As he's washing his hands he sees the other guy walk up behind him in the mirror. 'Fuck,' the guy thinks, 'where is this going?' "Excuse me," the amputee says, "...

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Tasty food....

Two homeless guys are walking down the street in the new town they hitchhiked to going door to door begging for food. They come to the last house on the last street in a little neighborhood. A beautiful blonde woman answers the door wearing nothing but a towel. The first man pleas with the woman for...

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Costume Party

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is y...

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Dying of dehydration

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can ...

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Walk into the men's room and...

A husband is walking through the mall with his wife when he suddenly realizes that he really has to pee. The couple walk down to the other end of the mall to the restrooms and the husband enters. When he walks in he notices only 2 urinals, and standing in front of one is a man with no arms. He appro...

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Parrot Perch

A man suspected that his wife was cheating on him, but he could not find time to prove it since they worked opposite shifts. He soon came up with the idea to get a talking Parrot and hide it in the closet of the bedroom while he was gone.

He went to the local pet store and the clerk said we o...

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Sand paper sally

So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a br...

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3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

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A father and his really ugly daughter

A really nice father who happens to be a widower and who lives alone with his only child desires to get closer to his twenty-something-daughter. Lately, however, he's been having trouble talking to her, due to her terribly depressive state; basically, his girl wants to meet a man and start a family...

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