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Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forrest The bear is chasing the rabbit trying to kill it. Until they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each

Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.

Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears ...

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

My dog is obsessed with chasing people on bikes.

I’m honestly just impressed he can ride a bike.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike...

It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.

What did the nut say to the other nut when he was chasing him?

Imma cashew

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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A grizzly bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest, when both come across a magic lamp and rub it at the same time

A genie pops out and says: “I’ll grant you both three wishes. Let’s start with you, bear. What do you want?”

The bear says: “I wished all the grizzly bears, other than me, in this forest, were female”, and the genie grants it.

The rabbit says: “I wish for a Harley Davidson”, and the g...

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*Police chasing after a thief*

Police officer: STOP!

Thief: Shit! I can't run any further.

Police officer: Sounds like you need... arrest!

Pretend you're in a jungle, what do you do if a tiger is chasing you and catching up to you?

Stop pretending.

Chasing My Tail

I watched my dog chase his tail for 30 minutes.

And I thought “wow, dogs are easy to entertain!“.

Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase his tail for 30 minutes.

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A hungry bear was chasing a rabbit through a forrest...

... when they stumbled across a magical frog. For finding him, he awarded the bear and the rabbit 3 wishes each. The bear asserted dominance and demanded the first wish, the rabbit abliged. The bear proudly wished that every other bear in the forrest were female. The rabbit wished for a helmet. For...

The police just stopped by and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

I didn’t even know my dogs had bikes.

An old man: "Doctor, I am 80 years old and still chasing women".

Doctor: "That's wonderful!"

Old man: "But I can't remember why?"

The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg

I told him to use both he would get him faster

My mate and I robbed a bank. The cops chasing us were under the illusion that we were dressed as animals.

Every few seconds they kept shouting "Furries!"

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A man is overweight

A man is overweight, so he looks on the internet for weight loss programs. He is scrolling through the internet, when he finds an ad: “We guarantee you will lose weight or your money back” It said. He clicks on it, and it purchases a 5-pound weight loss program. Two hours later, a beautiful woman sh...

Here, in Hungary, we have a lot of scottish jokes. These show the scottish as a greedy, money-chasing men.

So a Hungarian heard enough Scottish jokes, and decides to go to Scotland. He arrives, goes to the countryside, and knocks on a random door in a village.
-Hello?
-Yes, who's there?- A young woman opens the door.
-So I was hiking through this little village, and my throat is very dry. I was ...

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.



Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

My uncle told me a story about how he survived a chase from lion for about 10 kms.

He said once he saw a lion, he started running toward the village at full speed. After around a kilometre, he looked back and lion, who was just a feet away from him, slipped all of sudden. This allowed him to gain some distance from lion. After around another kilometre, he looked back and lion, wh...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

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During the Vietnam war many men were being drafted

One man was young and in good shape but he didn’t want to fight in the war. He hid in his house for a long time. One day he decided he had to go out side. He was sick of being stuck in that house. He walks outside down the block and all of the sudden a military vehicle turns around the corner. It s...

A group of kids are chasing Quasimodo down the street...

...Quasimodo turns and shouts at them

"F**K OFF I HAVEN'T GOT YOUR BALL"

I got fired from my job for chasing away a stray cat.

Whatever, I never really liked working at the animal shelter anyway.

When I was young, women were chasing me all around the block

But I got too old for stealing handbags.

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He than looks to see...

if the lion is still chasing them and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

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A dog is on safari in the jungle with his master...

And he gets separated while chasing butterflies. Pretty soon the dog looks around and realizes he's lost. He wanders into a clearing and on the other side he sees a jaguar.

The jaguar has never seen a dog before and hesitates, wondering "what kind of animal is that?" but the dog thinks "O...

What do you call a bunch of blondes chasing each other down the street?

The Aryan race.

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

My dog keeps chasing the delivery driver in his truck

He really should know not to leave his keys in the ignition by now.

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

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NSFW. During a recent run of bad luck, I saw a penis with legs chasing a vagina with legs, and thought..

it’s just one fucking thing after another.

'Can't stop husband's habitual skirt chasing. What should i do?'

'Send him to Scotland'

Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70

When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."

What's the difference between chasing a car on foot or being chased by a car on foot?

If you're chasing a car you eventually get exhausted

If you're getting chased by a car eventually you get tired

Cop said papers

I said scissors and won so I sped off

guess he wants a rematch cause he's been chasing me for 20 minutes

Few policemen were chasing a thief on the run. Thief ran into a deserted warehouse and police followed him there.

After searching the entire warehouse police could not find the thief and there were no other exits. In frustration, police officer kicked one of the boxes and cat started to meow from inside. Officer kicked another box and dog started to bark from inside. Officer kicked one more box but no sound cam...

German soldiers are chasing two partisans

And the two partisans hide in the water well.

The German soldiers approach the well and one soldier looks down in the well and says "I can't see anything"...the echo comes back "I can't see anything".

Then the second German soldier looks down in the well and says "Maybe they hide in th...

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What is it called when an officer poops his pants while chasing a perp?

Active doody.

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A bear is chasing a rabbit around a dead hollow tree.

They are causing lots of commotion. Eventually a forest spirit rises from the tree.

“You two have woken me from my slumber. If you promise to go away I will grant you both three wishes”

The bear and rabbit instantly agree.

The spirit asks the bear for his first wish.

“I w...

I keep chasing my dreams

Then I realise I'm on a treadmill

Wayne Gretzky, Wayne Newton, and Wayne Brady are all chasing after you. Which one is going to catch you first?

I don't know, but they are gonna get ya, one Wayne or another.

Back in the day 20 white men chasing a black guy was considered racist.

Now its called Formula 1.

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A bear is chasing a rabbit

Through the woods and stumble upon a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says "thank you for freeing me, I have granted you two the ability to communicate with. I will give both of you 2 wishes.". The bear speaks up first "I wish to have the biggest bear penis in the world." The genie looks to the rabb...

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.

The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”

The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet...

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A man is chased by a wolf

Billy comes running towards his father with sweat dripping down from his face. He tells them that he was lucky to outrun the wolf chasing him because the wolf tripped 3 times. His father tells Billy: "You are very brave Billy, if it was me, I would have shit myself. To which Billy responds: How do y...

A cop was chasing 3 girls

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde.
They run to a nearby barn to hide.
The brunette hides in the dog sack.
The red head hides in the cat sack.
And the blonde hides in the potato sack.

Cop catches up and looks in the barn, kicks the dog sack and the brunette says “ruff”

K...

A serial killer is chasing 3 young women through a farm

The three young women are a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The three women run into a barn and find three barrels to hide in. The brunette jumps into a barrel labeled "chicks". The redhead into a barrel labeled "kittens", and the blonde into one labeled "potatoes".

The serial killer foll...

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A man is chasing a leprechaun through a field when finally he catches him

The leprechaun makes a deal with the man. If the man let's him go he'll grant him 3 wishes. The man agrees and states "for my first wish I'll have a pint of Guinness that never runs out". The leprechaun wiggles his fingers and... Bam! A glass of Guinness appears. The man drinks it down, and it refil...

If Spidey is out chasing bad guys and he runs out of webbing but is still jumping over cars and climbing buildings, what name does he go by?

Peter Parkour

(Apologies if this is a re-post, but I did come up by myself. My kids hated it too.)

A police officer is chasing a hacker

He loses track of him in the streets and asks a passerby:

-Where is he,where is the hacker!?

-I don't know,he ransomware.

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Be cautious of what you wish for and be kind

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he woul...

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The police knocked on my door and told me my dog was chasing some fella on a bike.

I said fuck off my dog ain't even got a bike.

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits. Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the ...

My buddy has stopped trying to date cougars and is chasing something older!

Are those called sabre-toothed tigers?

What happened to the guy who kept chasing cars?

He got exhausted



Part 2: What happened when cars started chasing him?

He got Tired

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

My neighbors complained that my dog was chasing their kid on his bicycle...

But that’s impossible...
...My dog does not even have a bicycle.

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I'm done chasing people who aren't willing to do the same for me...

.. After today, the ice cream man can go fuck himself.

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

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Three dogs are chasing after a sexy poodle.

^^inb4 ^^flurries

Three dogs are chasing after a poodle because they desire her. They chase her down a few back alleys, and upon cornering her in a dead end, the poodle proposes something to the three.

"The one who can make me laugh with a joke shall be my lover."

Easy enough, r...

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How to be American

An Indian migrated to America , and moved into an American neighbourhood; His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome.He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself.

Deciding h...

dog keeps chasing people...

“I’ve really had it with my dog,” says a guy to his neighbour. “He’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.”

“Hmmm, that is a problem,” says the neighbour. “What are you going to do about it?”

“Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!”

My Dog is always chasing people in cars

I'm not gonna stop him, but I'm just confused about how he learned to drive

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