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Chasing Jokes

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused"...

Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

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An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

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My life is like a penis with legs chasing a vagina with legs.

It’s just one fucking thing after another

What did the nut say to the other nut when he was chasing him?

Imma cashew

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

A serial killer is chasing 3 young women through a farm

The three young women are a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The three women run into a barn and find three barrels to hide in. The brunette jumps into a barrel labeled "chicks". The redhead into a barrel labeled "kittens", and the blonde into one labeled "potatoes".

The serial killer foll...

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You're riding a horse full speed. There's a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

German soldiers are chasing two partisans

And the two partisans hide in the water well.

The German soldiers approach the well and one soldier looks down in the well and says "I can't see anything"...the echo comes back "I can't see anything".

Then the second German soldier looks down in the well and says "Maybe they hide in th...

A group of kids are chasing Quasimodo down the street...

...Quasimodo turns and shouts at them

"F**K OFF I HAVEN'T GOT YOUR BALL"

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A Lion is chasing a Monkey in the Jungle

The lion was chasing the monkey then suddenly a fairy appeared and stopped both of them.
The fairy said that she’ll give both the lion and the monkey 3 wishes each if the lion stops chasing the monkey.
The lion agrees and states his first wish “ I wish all the lions in this jungle become lione...

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits. Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the ...

My dog is obsessed with chasing people on bikes.

I’m honestly just impressed he can ride a bike.

The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes

My dogs don't even have bikes

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods

This is going on for weeks. Every day they run through the same clearing until one day they kick over a mound of dirt and uncover a genie’s lamp.

The genie pops out of his lamp and says “I’ve been listening to you two running through this forest for weeks now! I will grant both of you 3 wishe...

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An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, "I've outgrown this bullshit." He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police...

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The rabbit and the bear

One day a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods, when suddenly a magic stork flys down from the sky and calls the two of them over.

The stork says he's seen them be aggressive to eachother for weeks now and he'll offer them both 3 wishes each if they stop. The bear being greedy says "I'm...

Some soldiers were chasing some terrorists!

Some soldiers were chasing some terrorists,

The terrorists run away and come across a large meadow with a well in the middle and, a forest at the end. They decided to hide in the well.

When the soldiers came by, they started discussing where the terrorists could have escaped, one thoug...

i have been chasing a criminal who murders at railway stations

i think i am on the right track

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The police knocked on my door and told me my dog was chasing some fella on a bike.

I said fuck off my dog ain't even got a bike.

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia.

When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him.

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A redhead a, a brunette and a blonde are trying to hide from a farmer who's chasing them

They run into his barn and look for places to hide. The redhead hides behind the farmer's cow, the brunette hides behind the farmer's horse and the blonde hides behind a sack of potatoes.

The farmer manages to track them down to the barn, runs in and cocks his shotgun.

"Is there anyon...

The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?”

I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.

Sometimes I wish storm troopers were chasing me.

Then someone would miss me

When a murderer is chasing you...

... you're both running for your life.

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A bear is chasing a rabbit around a dead hollow tree.

They are causing lots of commotion. Eventually a forest spirit rises from the tree.

“You two have woken me from my slumber. If you promise to go away I will grant you both three wishes”

The bear and rabbit instantly agree.

The spirit asks the bear for his first wish.

“I w...

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*Police chasing after a thief*

Police officer: STOP!

Thief: Shit! I can't run any further.

Police officer: Sounds like you need... arrest!

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

What do you do when there's a deer next to you, a lion is chasing you, and a pony flees from you?

Exit the carousel and avoid further alcohol.

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

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A bear is chasing a rabbit

Through the woods and stumble upon a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says "thank you for freeing me, I have granted you two the ability to communicate with. I will give both of you 2 wishes.". The bear speaks up first "I wish to have the biggest bear penis in the world." The genie looks to the rabb...

Ukrainian soldier is chasing a platoon of Russian troops through some woods

After a while one Russians says: "Hang on! There's 20 of us and only one of him. Why are we running from him?" And platoon leader silences him "Keep quiet! We don't know which one of us he's chasing."

dog keeps chasing people...

“I’ve really had it with my dog,” says a guy to his neighbour. “He’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.”

“Hmmm, that is a problem,” says the neighbour. “What are you going to do about it?”

“Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!”

I keep chasing my dreams

Then I realise I'm on a treadmill

I got tired of chasing my dreams

I told them go where ever and I would meet up with them later.


\-Mitch Hedberg

My dog keeps chasing the delivery driver in his truck

He really should know not to leave his keys in the ignition by now.

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A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

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What do you call it when a fowl chasing Boris Johnson bites him in the butt?

Chicken cacciatore.

(I'm so sorry.)

Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again...

Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to rep...

A police officer is chasing a hacker

He loses track of him in the streets and asks a passerby:

-Where is he,where is the hacker!?

-I don't know,he ransomware.

A cop was chasing 3 girls

A brunette, a red head, and a blonde.
They run to a nearby barn to hide.
The brunette hides in the dog sack.
The red head hides in the cat sack.
And the blonde hides in the potato sack.

Cop catches up and looks in the barn, kicks the dog sack and the brunette says “ruff”

K...

If twenty dogs are chasing one dog, what time is it?

20 after 1

I got fired from my job for chasing away a stray cat.

Whatever, I never really liked working at the animal shelter anyway.

When I was young, women were chasing me all around the block

But I got too old for stealing handbags.

The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg

I told him to use both he would get him faster

An old man: "Doctor, I am 80 years old and still chasing women".

Doctor: "That's wonderful!"

Old man: "But I can't remember why?"

Wayne Gretzky, Wayne Newton, and Wayne Brady are all chasing after you. Which one is going to catch you first?

I don't know, but they are gonna get ya, one Wayne or another.

Police were chasing two robbers

...who ran into a pharmacy jumped on to a scale and got a weigh.

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

What do you call a chicken in a dinghy full of tomato sauce, using carrots for oars, chasing a British Conservative fleeing Brexit?

Chicken Cacciatore

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.

The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”

The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet...

Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70

When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."

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A grizzly bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest, when both come across a magic lamp and rub it at the same time

A genie pops out and says: “I’ll grant you both three wishes. Let’s start with you, bear. What do you want?”

The bear says: “I wished all the grizzly bears, other than me, in this forest, were female”, and the genie grants it.

The rabbit says: “I wish for a Harley Davidson”, and the g...

My Dog is always chasing people in cars

I'm not gonna stop him, but I'm just confused about how he learned to drive

Pretend you're in a jungle, what do you do if a tiger is chasing you and catching up to you?

Stop pretending.

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Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

What happened to the guy who kept chasing cars?

He got exhausted



Part 2: What happened when cars started chasing him?

He got Tired

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A cop has been chasing me for hours now.

He keeps shouting, "pullover, pullover!"

I'm starting to think cops are a bit stupid, it's a cardigan for fucks sake.

What do you call a bunch of blondes chasing each other down the street?

The Aryan race.

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A man walks into a pet store

He tells the attendant that he is chasing something a little different, “everyone has dogs and cats and birds and fish, I want something different”

The attendant says “I’ve got just the thing, here, we have a talking centipede”

“Perfect says the man, that sounds great ill take one of...

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What is it called when an officer poops his pants while chasing a perp?

Active doody.

Why was the fetishist chasing the shoe model?

Because he was hot on her heels.

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest...

...and is nearly on top of him. Just before the bear can pounce, time stops, freezing the animals in place. Jesus steps out from behind a tree and tells the bear that if he spares the rabbit, he will grant each creature two wishes. The bear agrees, and time resumes. The bear says, "I wish I had ...

Chasing your dreams is a terrible idea...

At least that's what my restraining order says.

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forrest The bear is chasing the rabbit trying to kill it. Until they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each

Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

Mr. Bear's second wish is that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were female as well. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a motorcycle.

Mr. Bear's final wish is that all the other bears ...

My buddy has stopped trying to date cougars and is chasing something older!

Are those called sabre-toothed tigers?

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A man is chased by a wolf

Billy comes running towards his father with sweat dripping down from his face. He tells them that he was lucky to outrun the wolf chasing him because the wolf tripped 3 times. His father tells Billy: "You are very brave Billy, if it was me, I would have shit myself. To which Billy responds: How do y...

My neighbors complained that my dog was chasing their kid on his bicycle...

But that’s impossible...
...My dog does not even have a bicycle.

Here, in Hungary, we have a lot of scottish jokes. These show the scottish as a greedy, money-chasing men.

So a Hungarian heard enough Scottish jokes, and decides to go to Scotland. He arrives, goes to the countryside, and knocks on a random door in a village.
-Hello?
-Yes, who's there?- A young woman opens the door.
-So I was hiking through this little village, and my throat is very dry. I was ...

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American tourists visit Russia

... and decide they want to take a hike in a genuine Russian forest. While hiking, they suddenly encounter a huge bear. The bear starts chasing the tourists, who are running for their lives.

Not far from there, there is a campsite where a group of Russian campers is chilling out and drinking...

My mate and I robbed a bank. The cops chasing us were under the illusion that we were dressed as animals.

Every few seconds they kept shouting "Furries!"

My dog loves chasing cars

He was ecstatic when I told him I was taking him to see Snow Patrol in concert

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A man is chasing a leprechaun through a field when finally he catches him

The leprechaun makes a deal with the man. If the man let's him go he'll grant him 3 wishes. The man agrees and states "for my first wish I'll have a pint of Guinness that never runs out". The leprechaun wiggles his fingers and... Bam! A glass of Guinness appears. The man drinks it down, and it refil...

Yeah I've had it with my dog chasing everyone on his bike...

"Seriously? What are you gonna do about it"?

"Confiscate his bike".

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I'm done chasing people who aren't willing to do the same for me...

.. After today, the ice cream man can go fuck himself.

Two kittens were chasing each other in the jungle

Suddenly one slipped and fell, it's mom saw and told it: tiger shoelaces together or you'll fall again

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