After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

What did the sliced loaf say to the uncliced loaf?

OK bloomer.

Have you heard of murphey's law?

It's "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong".

Have you heard of Cole's law?It's thinly sliced cabbage

New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

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Playing golf and sliced into a field of buttercups.

As I was ready to hit I heard a voice that said “don’t hurt any buttercups”

I asked “who are you?”

“I’m Mother Nature, if you can chip out of this field of buttercups without harming a single one, I will guarantee you have butter everyday for the rest of your life”

I responded “...

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A Golf Story

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, w...

What do you call a hypothetically sliced apple?

A core concept.

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine.

He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!


Joe immediate...

My physics professor took an entire class to lecture us about Cole’s law

Turns out, it’s just thinly sliced cabbage

Career Choices

As a child, I thought about being a musician, but all my efforts fell flat.

In High School, my teachers seemed to be pushing a career as an astronaut, but then I realized they had something else in mind when they said I was “a real space cadet.”


My first job was working in an ora...

"Mr. Cheese, it's time for you to be sliced up into little pieces."

"Oh grate!"

My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread.

Now she’s toast.

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

I drool as I watch the gyro meat getting sliced off the stick for my wrap...

... then I wonder - is that how vegans feel when they watch someone mowing the lawn?

This is a tense election for the sliced cheese industry.

Trump wants to make America Grate again

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Massive sandwiches

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

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A pirate walks into a bar

He hobbles up to the bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender looks him over and can't help but wonder if this man is really a full blown pirate. So, the bartender asks him, "Where did you get that peg leg"

The pirate replies," Argggg, I fell off me ship, and a crocodile bit me leg o...

Murphy vs Cole

You all have heard of Murphy’s Law, I assume. It’s the idea that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

However, have you ever heard of Cole’s Law? It’s a disgusting mash up of sliced cabbage and watery mayonnaise.

Why didn't the cheese get sliced?

It was destined for grater.

Do you think the Tauntaun from The Empire Strikes Back got cold after Han sliced it open?

Or do you think it kept lukewarm?

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A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!...

King Arthur returns home after a long battle and begins to suspect Gwendolyn has been unfaithful.

He orders his most trusted advisor, The Count, to see him.
King: Count, I want you to tell me if my wife has been faithful.
Count: I'm sorry your majesty, I'm sworn to secrecy.
King: What?! You swore an oath to me! Now tell me what has my wife been up to?
Count: I'm sorry your ...

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My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

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