Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

Why did the riot police show up to the protest so early?

To beat the crowd

Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.

The phone is answered by a giggling child.

"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.

"Yes."

"May I speak to him?"

"No."

"Well can I speak to your mom?"

"No, she's with the policeman."

Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"...

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

**That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

B5, B12, C, And E show up at your door... Whattya do?

In-Vitamin

I miss the days when 2 Nintendo employees would show up at your house to play Wii

Now they just show up with a lawsuit and a court order.

My daughter hates when I show up at her workplace..

But in my defense,it's the strip club in our town.

Why did the Bernie supporter show up to the polling station at 8:30 when the polls had already closed at 8:00?

He didn't know he had to vote bi den.

Guy took an airline to court after his luggage did not show up

He lost his case

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Aggies show up at a biblical costume party dressed as firemen.

"This is a biblical costume party!" says the host. "What are you supposed to be?"

"Well," says one of them, "it says right here in the Bible that three wisemen came from afar!"

Why does American army show up in the American cities?

Did they find oil in them?

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez,"...

I was digging in the front garden when my neighbor saw me struggling with the shovel and came over to help with a rotortiller. A couple minutes later the other neighbor brought his garden tractor, and the guy down the street show up with a backhoe...

Well that excavated quickly.

Two guys show up late to a cannibal breakfast

All they get is the cold shoulder.

Now is the best time ever to order delivery pizza and to use that movie from Home Alone when they show up...

Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell outta here you filthy animal!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a bunch of Viagra, but then my date didn't show up.

I had a massive stroke after, and again an hour later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men show up at the Pearly Gates...

Right before closing one day three men show up to the Pearly Gates for judgement. The case manager angel on duty was quite put out with the prospect of staying late so rather than looking through the life history of each of the men he decided to admit them based on how cool their death story was. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't you just hate those guys who show up at your door and tell you that you need to be saved or you'll burn?

Fucking firemen.

If the Doctor doesn’t show up to your surgery

You’re legally allowed to die in 15 minutes.

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn’t show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

I just don’t understand why these 16 year old guys can’t show up for work on time...

Based on my other experiences with them I assumed they’d always come early.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My professor has this weird habit of reading the news to us in class. Today he didn’t show up.

So a subreddit.

A employee didn't show up for work

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialled the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whisper...

Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration?

To beat the crowds.

My comedian friend arranged a date with a girl and didn't show up. She wasn't pleased.

Some people just don't appreciate stand-up comedy these days.

A couple roommates squabble over the only phone charger in the house. One punches the other square in the face. The cops show up.

He is charged with battery.

Nobody would show up to a "White Lives Matter" demonstration.

They all have to work.

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up

One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Wh...

Why didn't the camgirl show up for work?

She wasn't feeling herself that day.

Who is always the first person to show up?

Earl Lee

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