Show Up Jokes - 38 Hilarious Show Up Jokes

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?

Because they had to go home and change first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show up..

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

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two guys go fishing every weekend. one weekend one of them doesn't show up.

The next weekend when he shows up they load up the boat go out in the middle of lake and start fishing. One fisherman turns the other one and says "hey buddy what happened to you last week?"

The fisherman shrugs and says "I got married and went on my honeymoon"

The first fisherman look...

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over to the Russian, and al...

Why is it better to show up overdressed than underdressed?

It's not ideal to become a formality, but much worse to become a casualty.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

**That’s when I knew we weren’t gonna work out.**

A employee didn't show up for work

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialled the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whisper...

What kind of doctor has to show up whenever they're needed, day or night?

An on-callogist

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez,"...

“Boss, I’m sorry I didn’t show up until noon today, but…

…this morning I unexpectedly became a father”.
“Well then congratulations, is it a boy or a girl”?
“I won’t know that for nine months”.

My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up

It was a diss appointment

Why did the riot police show up early to the protest?

They wanted to beat the crowd.

Why didn't the camgirl show up for work?

She wasn't feeling herself that day.

Why did the cops show up at the baseball game?

They heard someone was stealing bases.

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Three dudes show up at the Pearly Gates to get into heaven. St. Peter asks them how they died...

The first guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, and a fuckin' storage trunk fell out of the sky and crushed me to death!"

The second guy says, "I came home early from work, and my wife was in bed all sweaty and breathless. I'd been suspecting she was cheatin...

Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.

The phone is answered by a giggling child.

"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.

"Yes."

"May I speak to him?"

"No."

"Well can I speak to your mom?"

"No, she's with the policeman."

Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"...

Why did the wizards show up to battle empty handed?

Their weapons were at a staff meeting.

Yes, yes. Groan, downvote, and move on. It popped into my head and I shouldn't have to suffer alone.

Don't show up late for a cannibal's dinner party...

You'll get the cold shoulder

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Three men show up at the Pearly Gates...

Right before closing one day three men show up to the Pearly Gates for judgement. The case manager angel on duty was quite put out with the prospect of staying late so rather than looking through the life history of each of the men he decided to admit them based on how cool their death story was. <...

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Don't you just hate those guys who show up at your door and tell you that you need to be saved or you'll burn?

Fucking firemen.

A farmer was declared missing when he didn't show up to an award ceremony in his honor...

They found him out standing in his field.

Nobody would show up to a "White Lives Matter" demonstration.

They all have to work.

Guy took an airline to court after his luggage did not show up

He lost his case

B5, B12, C, And E show up at your door... Whattya do?

In-Vitamin

My daughter hates when I show up at her workplace..

But in my defense,it's the strip club in our town.

A friend of mine invited me over for a threesome with a girl.

I was hesitant at first but eventually agreed. So I went over to his place and we got started. I just couldn't get into it. A half hour in, I started wondering when the girl is going to show up.

Why does American army show up in the American cities?

Did they find oil in them?

Why did the police show up at a party in Chicago?

They received an Illinoise complaint.

Why did the clown not show up to work?

He was feeling a little bit funny.

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Three Aggies show up at a biblical costume party dressed as firemen.

"This is a biblical costume party!" says the host. "What are you supposed to be?"

"Well," says one of them, "it says right here in the Bible that three wisemen came from afar!"

I miss the days when 2 Nintendo employees would show up at your house to play Wii

Now they just show up with a lawsuit and a court order.

If the Doctor doesn’t show up to your surgery

You’re legally allowed to die in 15 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a bunch of Viagra, but then my date didn't show up.

I had a massive stroke after, and again an hour later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are getting ready for a costume party...

But there's a catch: The host said they have to get dressed up as 'emotions.'

So the first guy goes home and sticks his dick in a pear.

The second guy goes home and sticks his dick in a big bowl of custard.

They show up at the party together and knock on the door. The host opens...

Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration?

To beat the crowds.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

A genetic botanist doesn't show up to the church picnic.

Her concerned husband finds her in her lab working feverishly on a new pesticide resistant strain of maize.

"Aren't you coming to the congregation picnic?". He asks.

"Screw them and their impossible deadlines! They told me I have until today to get the corn bred!"

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