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Show Me Jokes

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If you show me your boobs, I'll show you my tattoos.

Tit for tat.

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

The next person to show me that dress...

...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

I asked a ninja “Can you show me one of those throwing stars?”

The ninja replied “Shuriken.”

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

Can anyone show me how to use WD-40?

I'm a bit rusty.

SHOW ME YOUR CARD

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an
old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your
water allocation.' The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field
over there.

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the auth...

On my first day as the new Hangman at the prison I ask them to “show me the ropes.”

No one at the prison thought it was funny either.

My wife really knows how to show me a good time.

She often points at people and says, "Look, they're having a good time."

Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars?

“Shuriken.”

(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like)

Show me a man who is anti circumcision

And I'll show you a complete prick.

Can you show me a book on how to commit Suicide?

"No" - Librarian "Why?" - Man "You won't bring it back" - Librarian

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.”
Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.”
He ...

A guy goes into a library abd asks the person at the desk, "can you show me where the self-help books are?"

The librarian says, "no."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl: Show Me Your tattoss

Girl: Show me your tattoos

Guy: First, show me your tits

Girl: Why?

Guy: Tit for tatt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always make women show me their boobs before I show them my body ink

You know the old tit for tat

Show me Santa's helpers...

And I'll show you subordinate clauses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer gets pulled over

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete s...

This girl wanted to show me her sans clothing...

I mean, I appreciate a good Undertale cosplay but I feel misled.

Show me a fella with poor hand washing technique

and I’ll show you a man who finishes in under 20 seconds

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

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My science teacher said he was going to show me his transistor.

Imagine my surprise when a girl with a penis appeared.

When I was a kid, my dad used to show me all kinds of pain

He was a French baker.

A guy wanted to show me his Bird imitation skills but I refused

So he flew away

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
...

"Show me your's and I'll show you mine"... She proceed's to take off her clothes...

...I proceed to show her my WW2 cr38 anti-personnel mine.

I asked a cheesemaker to show me his secret ingredient

He said," No Whey!"

A black guy and a white girl are at a party

A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs

Show me a me a piano falling down a mineshaft..

And I'll show you a flat minor.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

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An anti-Establishment joke from India

A vagrant, finding no place on the pavement, parked himself at the feet of a statue of Mahatma Gandhi. At midnight he was woken up by someone gently tapping him with his stick. It was the Mahatma himself. ‘You Indians have been unfair to me,’ complained the benign spirit. "You put my statues everywh...

I'm opening a tattoo shop where I give free tattoos to girls who show me their breast

I'll call it "Tit for tat"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

Ran into a Mexican woman on the bus today.

After talking for a bit she told me that she had twin sons, Juan and Emal, and she was so proud of them! Juan was the CEO of a big law firm down town, and his brother Emal owned a restaurant where she was heading for lunch.

She happily reached into her purse to show me a picture and said, “T...

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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