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Shots Jokes

You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.

-Alec Baldwin.

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A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.

The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

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A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.

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A guy walks into a bar, and orders six shots of Jack...

The bartender sets up six shots of Jack, and the guy quaffs them down one after another.

"Are you celebrating something?" asks the bartender

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am" the guy smiles "My first blowjob!"

"Hey! That's great! Congratulations. Have another shot on the house!"...

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila

"You're coming home now!" she screamed.

"No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

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"Long Shots" (long)

A bartender was tending his bar, as one does, when a drunk patron approaches him and orders a pint of beer, plus a couple shots for himself and the bartender... The bar was relatively unpopulated, save for a few sitting along the bar and a booth of 5 gentlemen in the far corner, loudly joking and la...

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A man goes into a bar and orders three shots of tequila...

"What's the special occasion?" the bartender asks him.

"I'm celebrating my first blowjob,"he replies.

"Well congratulations,"the bartender says."The next ones on the house."

"Nahh thanks anyway but if three shots won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”

The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

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My cake day joke - A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

10 shots of whiskey please!

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender pours them and the guy starts downing them. By the 5th one the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You'd drink this fast if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"
<...

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What do you call a cow after a couple shots of espresso?

Beef jerky.

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

Guy races into a bar looking very flustered and says to the bartender "Quick, give me a shot of your finest Scotch before the trouble starts"

The guy downs the scotch in a single gulp and glancing nervously towards the doors says **"Quick, give me another shot of you finest Scotch before the trouble starts"**

The guy downs that Scotch too and says, ***"Quick, another shot before the trouble starts".*** The barman pauses and says **...

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What did Netflix do when they found uncensored shots of Sandra Bullock's vagina in Bird Box?

Bandersnatch.

I'm sorry.

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Names for different types of Golf shots.

There have been a number of humorous names for different types of golf shots, and I was wondering if anyone had heard of any more. Some examples:

Rock Hudson - A putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

Princess Grace - Should have used a driver, but didn't.

Princess Diana - Use...

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A guy goes to the bar and orders 5 shots of Whiskey....

....the bartender asks, “Is the rest of the party parking, or...?”

Guy replies, “No, actually, they’re all for me. Had my first blow job today.”

Bartender says, “No shit! Lemme line up a sixth, on the house!”

Guy says, “Don’t bother, if five don’t kill the taste, nothing will.”

A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots.

He goes home sober.

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6 shots of whiskey

A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey
Bartender say " whoa 6 shots? What's the problem" man says " I just found out my older brother is gay"

Next night the Same man walks into the bar again , and orders six shots of whiskey. Bartnender say " what's the matter now". Man says...

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

Man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once.

"Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how...

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hea...

Did you hear Novac Djokovik whiffed on two shots?

Three if you count the booster!!

what's it called when a Archer can never hit his shots

Projectile dysfunction

A Man Bursts into a Bar....

A man bursts into a bar and says "Bartender, quick! I need 12 shots of your finest single malt scotch whiskey!!". The bartender immediately springs into action, pouring out shots. The man takes them each as quickly as the bartender can pour, one after the other. The bartender exclaims "I've never se...

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three shots...

Seamus walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of Bushmills and three pints of Guinness.

"Rough day, friend?" the bartender asks as he pours the drinks.

"Nah - it's for me brothers. The three of us used to drink together back home in Dublin when we were younger. Now Mi...

A Man Asks for Three Shots At Once

One day a man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “I’m gonna be having three shots, please. But, rather than one shot at a time, I’d like all three at once”

The bartender is confused by this request and asks, “why?”

The man replies, “Well, you see, I’m very close to my two brothe...

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A man walks into a bar... (NSFW)

He orders nine shots.

The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"

The man mumbles, "first blowjob."

The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.

The man downs all nine in a row.

The bartender still smiling says,

"hey, make i...

A man walks into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila

The bartender lines up the shots, and the man starts taking them one after another.

The bartender says "wow you're drinking those pretty fast"

The guy says "you would too if you had what I have"

The bartender steps back cautiously "what do you have?"

The guy says "fifty c...

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

24 Shots

A bar holds a drinking contest to see who can drink 24 shots of Scotch in an hour? A man walks in, is invited to join in, and promptly leaves. He comes back an hour later, joins the contest and wins.

When asked where he went, he replies, "I had to go across the street to another bar to see i...

What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

The Ukranian Soldier

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g...

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The secon...

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7 shots later

A man enters a bar in the middle of the afternoon and asks the barman for 7 shots of tequila. The barman lines them up and the man downs them all one after the other. The bemused barman asks "what's the celebration"
The man replies " I've just had my first blowjob"
" Well that's great" says th...

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for three shots

He does this every time he goes to the bar which was often. The bartender then asks him:

“I’m sorry sir, if you don’t mind me asking why do you always ask for three shots at the same time?”

The customer goes on to say: “well here is the thing, I’m one of three brothers, one lives in At...

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

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A dozen Nazis walked into a bar, demanding shots

Luckily the bartender had an AK-47.

Two blondes are sitting at a bar...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c...

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A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me six double vodkas.” Pouring the shots, the bartender comments, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.

When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the ba...

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Shots

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

“What can I get you?” the bartender inquires.

“I want six shots of tequila,” responded the young man.

“Six shots? Are you celebrating something?”

“Yeah, my first blowjob.”

“Well, in that case, let me give you a seve...

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Dude storms into bar with a pistol firing shots

"Im looking for the man whos been fuckin my wife!!" Says the dude.

Of all the perturbed patrons, only the old drunk in the corner replied with, "you aint got enough bullets!"

What do aerial shots and Palestinian children have in common

They're both shot by drone

How does an American cop like their coffee

Black with a couple of shots in it

A guy walks into a bar and says “Give me a shot of your finest Whiskey, and pour one for yourself on me!”

The bartender is surprised but pleased, so he pours two shots of the most expensive Scotch in the house.

They toast and drink up. After a few moments the man gets up and walks towards the door without paying. The bartender chases after him and says “hey what’s the big idea?! You haven’t paid...

Condoms are better then flu shots

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prep...

How many shots do you need to get the covid vaccine?

Dose!

A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.

The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"

The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"


The Bishop nods his head yes.


The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots ...

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Why did the Capitol Police not fire any shots?

They didn't know where to aim because there were no black people.

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A bloke walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila.

He downs them one after the other, slamming the glasses on the bar.

"Never seen anyone do that before, is it a special occasion?" asked the barman.

"Yeah" answered the bloke. "First blowjob today."

"Congrats" said the barman. "Have another one on the house."

"No thanks" r...

I’m getting one of the first covid shots

I got choosen to receive one of the first covid vaccines shots. Since I’m 78yo old Vietnam veteran. I said, "Can I get it in my left arm". They said sure. I said “Well good, it got blown off in Vietnam in 68, can you bring me back my West Point ring while your over there.”




Edit f...

12 Shots

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up twelve shots of whiskey. The bartender places twelve shot glasses on the table and begins to fill them.
Halfway through, the man starts grabbing the shots and slamming them back in rapid succession, finishing the last one just after the ...

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."

The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.

"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.

"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"

The man replies...

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A young man walks into a bar, asks the barman to pour him three shots of whisky.

The barman pours them, the youth drinks all three straight down.

“Whoa” says the barman, “are you celebrating something?”

The guy smiles at the barman, “Yeah, my first blowjob”.

“Well”, the barman says, “in that case, have another one on me”.

“Thanks”, replies the youth,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

A man walks into a bar and orders 20 shots of tequila...

... The bartender looks toward the door, expecting to see 19 more folks walk through the door. That doesn't happen.

"C'mon, man! I don't have all day!' exclaims the customer.

The bartender dutifully pours out 20 shots of tequila. Just as he's pouring the last one, the customer begins s...

An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.

Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, “Goddammit, I missed!” At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, “Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord’s name, so help me, may He strike yo...

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Guy orders 11 shots at a bar

Bartender says "What are you celebrating?"
Guys says "My first blowjob"
Bartenders says "Congrats, but why 11 shots?"
Guys says "I figured by the 11th the taste would be out of my mouth. "

First dirty joke I told my parents when I was 8. The punishment was worth it.

A guy sits down at a bar & orders 9 shots of bourbon...

The bartender says “whoa...are you sure you don’t want to take those one at a time?”

“Nope” he says quickly. So the bartender goes ahead and brings him 9 shots, which he throws down the second they hit the table.

“Good lord,” says the bartender. “I’ve never seen anyone down drinks lik...

I hate getting shots.

They get under my skin.

My parents refuse to let my younger siblings to get shots

What's so wrong with underage drinking anyways

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A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the...

I should open a bar that serves only shots and sipping whiskies, and is called...

Drinking, Fast and Slow

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A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of vodka

After the shots are lined in front of him, he asks the bartender to remove the first and the last one

“Why order ten shots and then remove two?” — asks the bartender — “Why not just order eight?”

-That’s how it is with shots! The first one always tastes bad and the last one always gets...

A man walks into a bar and orders 7 shots at once

The bartender brings out the shots and the man downs each one quickly.

The bartender is a little concerned by this and decides to say something

Bartender: "Hey Buddy, why don't you pace yourself a little? That can't be healthy."

Man: "You would be drinking like this to if you ha...

If you’re going to make fun of Crytpo Bros today make sure to use cheap shots.

That’s all they can afford.

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A final CIA test for three men

An American, a Russian and a Bosnian man get to the final test to be admitted to the CIA. An American enters a room where he sees his wife Jennifer. A voice says: " There is a gun on the table, your last test is to kill your wife, no questions asked." American points the gun, but after a while gives...

A man walks into a bar and orders 8 shots of vodka

The bartender lines up the shot glasses and starts pouring them out, and as soon as one's filled the man slams it down.

"Woah take it easy there buddy, we're open all night", says the bartender

"You'd be drinking like this too if you had what I've got"

"Ah I'm sorry to hear that...

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