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Gunshot Jokes

A police officer responding to a gunshot call called his police chief.

"We got an old lady who shot her husband for walking on the floor after she just mopped it," he reported.

"Have you arrested her?" the chief asked.

"Nope. The floor's still wet," he replied.

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

In the city, you ignore sirens and listen for gunshots. In the country, you ignore gunshots and listen for sirens.

In Detroit, you ignore both.

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

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Two men and a woman are going to hitman school…

… and their teacher takes one of the men out into the hallway, points at a door and says, “In this room we have your wife. Here’s a loaded pistol, go in and kill her.”

The guy says “OK.” He goes into the room and comes out a few minutes later. He says, “I love her, I can’t do it.”

The ...

"There are three crows sitting on a branch,

you shoot one, how many are left?" The teacher asks little Jack.
"None Mrs. Parker, because the others would've flown away after hearing the gunshot."
"The correct answer is two little Jack, but I like the way you think."
"Well Mrs. parker, I have a question for you too. There are thr...

A man walks into a grocery store with a gunshot wound.

The grocer asks him if he needs a doctor.

The man says he just wants to know where the spice isle is.

Confused the grocer asks why and the man replies “Because thyme heals all wounds.”

A teacher asks in class:

"If three pigeons are sitting on a tree, and i shoot down one, how many pigeons will be left?"
A student raises their hand and says: "None."
Confused, the teacher asks why, to which the student responds: "Well, if you shoot down one, the others will get scared by the gunshot and fly away."...

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

A police officer was dispatched to the house of an elderly couple when the neighbors heard gunshots

Shortly after arriving the officer called into the station to update the sergeant
Officer: "well sergeant, the old woman shot her husband because he walked through the kitchen while she was mopping the floor."
Sergeant: "did you arrest her?"
Officer: "no sir"
Sergeant: "why not?"
Offi...

the new maid

A man hires a new maid and calls home to speak to his wife. The maid picks up.

"Is this the maid"

"Yes"

"Well may I speak to my wife?"

"Well....she's in bed with a man"

The husband is furious and tells the maid "I want you to go into my desk, get my gun, and shoot ...

Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?

It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from

What did the two-year old say when he saw the author of the leading commentary on the English law of contracts and his brother gunned down in succession by two gunshots?

Chitty! Chitty! Bang! Bang!

Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.

Now it's considered kid stuff.

An 89 year old man goes to the urologist

"Doc," he says, "I need a vasectomy."

"A vasectomy? Why in the world would you need a vasectomy at your age?"

"Well doc, I just married a beautiful 22-year-old woman, and last night she told me she was pregnant! I can't have more kids at my age!"

The doc thought for a second an...

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound

My friend looked up and said "holy cow"

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Two hunters are out deep in the woods...

All of a sudden, one of the men grabs his chest, lets out a groan, and collapses motionless to the ground.

The other hunter pulls out his mobile phone in a panic, and dials the emergency line. "We are out hunting, and I think my friend just died!"

"Calm, down," says the operator. "Firs...

What does a school and a Running track have Alike?

If you hear a gunshot, it's time to run.

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The body of an homosexual, existentialist fugitive was found in a motel 2 years after the case went cold.

Across an entire wall the words "How do they know" were scrawled, surrounded by places and names connected by bits of string.
The police investigated this, but they couldn't decipher it beyond the ravings of a madman.

The body was found in front of a computer after people at the motel repo...

It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning.

You could hear the gunshots.

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a burden to some...

FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....

In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper...

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

In WWII, a soviet army marches through Finland...

Suddenly, from over the hill, they hear a voice shout, "One Finnish soldier is worth 10 Soviets!"

The Soviet commander is annoyed. He sends 10 troops over the hill to investigate. After a few minutes, he hears gunshots, screams, and then silence. Then the voice shouts again, "One Finnish sol...

Two soldiers in a forest

Two soldiers are patrolling a forest, suddenly one of them collapses to the ground and the other begins to panic.

He picks up his walkie talkie and contacts his captain, he says "I need help! my partner collapsed to the ground and isn't moving, I think he's dead!"

The Captain responds:...

The winter war between Finland and the USSR

The Soviet general was moving with his army when he hears a whisper

"A Finnish soldier is better than 10 Russian soldiers"

Furious he sends out his best 10 men. Gunshots are heard but they do not return and he hears another whisper:

" A Finnish soldier is better than 100 Russia...

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Little Johnny's first day in kindergarten

Little Johnny is sitting in his kindergarten class when the teacher asks the following question: "There are three birds sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one of the birds. How many are left?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "There are zero birds left. One was shot, and the othe...

I asked my researcher friend, what would happen if I try to swim in containment pool of a nuclear reactor. He said, "Um, you would die pretty quickly..."

"...from gunshot wounds."

A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: “Can I talk to my wife, please?”

The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. “What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I’ll stay on the line”

“Very well, sir”, the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a...

Where do horses go when they get shot?

To the horse-pita- \*gunshot\*

Two hunters are in the woods when one is killed by a bear...

The second hunter scared off the bear, and immediately rang 911. 'I'm in the woods with my friend' he said. 'He was mauled by a bear, I think he might be dead! What should I do?'

The operator at the other end replied 'Well the first thing you must do is make sure he is definitely dead'. The ...

A man was walking with his friends in the woods...

A man and his friend are walking in the woods, when suddenly, the friend drops on to the floor. There doesn't seem to be any pulse, or signs of movement. In a state of panic, the man calls the police. He cries, "Help! I think my friends dead." Calmly, the policeman replies,"Firstly we need to make s...

A Russian woman is standing in line for the supermarket

Behind her, another woman is sobbing loudly.

The first woman turns around and asks her ‘My dear, what is wrong? Why do you cry so much?’

The second woman, in between sobs, answers ‘It is my husband. He died last week.’

The first woman places a friendly arm around the crying woma...

Hunter

2 men are hunting and one of them trips and accidentally shoots his friend in the back.
He immediately called 911 and says
“YES? Hello!? I’m out hunting and I accidentally shot my pal and he doesn’t look too good! I think he may be dead!?”
The operator says
“Sir! Calm down. First thi...

Stalin is giving a speech.

And someone sneezes.

Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: First row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
No answer.
Stalin: Second row outside.
*Gunshots*
Stalin: Who sneezed?
Attendee, crying: "I SNEEZED!"
Stalin: Bless you!

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech...

Inspired by the recent post by /u/JTRuno:

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech to a packed house when someone in the crowd - a factory worker named Boris - sneezes.

Stalin stops. He sets down his notes and asks "who sneezed?".

Silence. You could hear a pin drop.

"I ask again...

A russian officer during the winter war hears someone shouting from behind a hill

"one Finnish soldier is worth 10 Russian soldiers!"
Wanting to prove a point the officer sends ten Russians over the hill. After some gunshots and screams the same voice shouts "one Finnish soldier is worth 100 Russian soldiers!" Enraged the officer sends 100 Russian soldiers over the hill. After...

Florida Man calls 911

Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Florida Man: "Hello ma'am, me and my buddy Jackson were out duck hunting, when a big gator came out of the water and attacked us. It bit up my leg real good, then it dragged Jackson under the water, but I scared it off with my shotgun."

O: "Okay,...

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands

The soldier guards a military hangar with rifle in hands when a man walks up to him and says:


-Hey pal, can I buy your rifle?


-Of course not! There are fighter jets stored in here, what am I gonna if something happens and I dont have a gun?


-Dont worry, you could jus...

Mother Walks In On Her Daughter-In-Law. Then Responds With This.

A woman stops by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocks on the door then immediately walks in.

She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the aroma of perfume fills the room.

"What are you doing?!" sh...

Watching the olympic 100m is like witnessing a crime

You hear a gunshot and a second after you see 8 black guys running away.

Smart kid

A young, attractive first-year teacher was standing at the front of her class presenting a lesson to her fifth graders when she noticed Mikey wasn't paying attention. In an effort to engage him, she called on him and asked him a simple math question, "If there are three rabbits in the yard and you s...

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Three guys apply for CIA

Jon, Sergei and Steve apply for CIA.
They pass all qualifications and come to the last one.
They have to kill their wives.
So they put their wives in three diffident rooms and give them guns.
Jon goes in first. He breaks the door, points the gun, but he cant kill his own wife.
Steve ...

An oldie but a goldie

Two blondes decide to go on a jungle treck. However, soon, one of them gets bit by a venomous snake and falls to the ground unconscious. Seeing this, the other one calls an emergency number.

"Hello. How may I help you?" A man on the other end says


"Well, my friend just got bit by ...

What's the hardest part of playing track in an American high school?

Telling which gunshot is the starter.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. Suddenly, one of them is knocked out.

The other hunter panics and calls 911. The emergency responder says “911, whats your emergency?” The hunter replies “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he could be dead!” The emergency responder replies “OK, first, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent and the resp...

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A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

Guns aren’t lethal!!!

I did a survey of people who got shot and the result was that gunshots have a 100% survival rate

Two soldiers were at their post

When their commanding officer came over and said
" Alright boys there is a curfew tonight, anyone seen out past 10pm must be shot on site." The soldiers shook their head and obliged.
It hit 9:45pm and the commanding officer heard gunshot fire and came running to the soldiers to discover a man...

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I'm a hunter, and I shot a deer that was on my neighbor's property.

My neighbor came out at the sound of the gunshot and saw the deer. It was clean kill, and the animal was perfect for venison. As I ran up to retrieve it, my neighbor met me there.

"Hey, this deer is mine" he shouted as I approached him.

"No, it's mine. I killed it!" I responded back.<...

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CIA Assassin Job Interview

I don't remember where I found this joke so you might've heard it before.

The CIA was looking for a new assassin and they had it narrowed down to 3 applicants. To decide who to choose they had all 3 do a test of their abilities. The first guy went to the test and they took him to a door and h...

Six Assassins Walk into a Bar

The first assassin is killed with a gunshot to the head by the second, who is in turn shot in the neck from the third assassin, who succumbs to a hole in the chest from the fourth, who bleeds out from a gun to the temple from the fifth, who gets executed by the sixth.

"W-what can I do for you...

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The Helpful Friends

Back in their playing days, Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin were good friends and would do things together on off days. One thing they enjoyed doing together was going hunting. However on a day they were to go hunting, one of Mickey's friends, a local farmer, asked if Mick could do him a favor. The f...

A man phones the house and the maid picks up the phone.

A man phones the house and the maid picks up the phone. He asks the maid where the wife is. She says the wife is in the bed with a man. After a long pause, the man gathers himself together asks the maid to do a favor for him and promises her $50,000. He asks her to go to his study room and to ge...

A gorilla walks into a bar.

It gets 2 shots. One is vodka and the other one is a gunshot. Rip Harambe.

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A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene...

Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."

Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"

Nine married Ten and Ten got pregnant...

Six and Eight congratuled the couple for the great news and they all celebrated the happy occasion.



Seven however was not happy about this, it wanted Nine for itself and decided to kill Ten.




Weeks later, as Ten and Nine were discussing a name for the baby, Seven see...

The Law of The Forest

A hunter goes into the woods to go hunting. Suddenly, he hears a bear growling. He then spots it not too far away. He aims his gun at it, shoots, and misses. The bear turns toward the sound of the gunshot, annoyed.

"Mister," said the bear. "Why are you trying to shoot me when I'm out here min...

A man calls his home and a boy answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"Hey dad it's me," answers the boy

"Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks

"Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers

"Where is your mother?" asks the man.

The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman."
...

[Long] Three men are interviewing for a FBI job...

The instructor sits them in a room togeather and starts out by saying, "men you three are the finest america has to offer. Gun skills, hand to hand combat, not to mention youre IQs are near genius levels. There is only one test left." The instructor walks over to a small hallway with three doors. "W...

A French General sees a German and sends a scout over a hill.

After a little bit, the general hears gunshots, and the scout does not return.
Angry, the general sends a squad over the hill. Once again, there are gunshots, and the squad doesn't return.
The general cursed and stomped the ground and sent a whole platoon over the hill. Yet again, a fire...

What's your favorite game as a resident of Chicago?

Mine is "Gunshots Or Fireworks?"

2 men go hunting in the bush

As they were stalking an elk, a snake bit the first man. The second man freaked out and shot the snake. He then proceeded to call 000.

"000, what's your emergency?"

"Help! A snake bit my friend and I think he's dead!"

"Ok, we need to be sure if he's dead. Can you do that for me?...

A man's waiting in a bread line in the Soviet Union

He's been waiting for hours, but just as he reaches the front of the line, the woman inside says, "sorry, out for today," and slams the door shut.

Naturally, he's apoplectic. He starts shouting- "So this is communism, eh?! I fought in the war against fascism, I've worked for the state my wh...

Two hunters are in a forest

When suddenly a bear charged right at one of them, biting him and severely wounding him.

The other hunter shoots at the bear, scaring it away and immediately calls the emergency services.

Hunter “yes hello I need an ambulance at the woods right now, I think my friend might be dead”
...

Two hunters are on a trip...

...when suddenly, one of them clutches his chest. He coughs, he wheezes, then he falls over. Panicked, the other hunter takes out his cellphone and calls 911. He explains the situation:
"I'm hunting with a friend of mine and I'm afraid he's just had a heart attack. I think he's dead. What can ...

Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses

Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses. The other one calls '911' and the operator answers.

"This is 911, what is your emergency?" she says.

"Uh... My friend is dead I don't know what to do!" the man replies.

"Ok, calm down. Firstly, you gotta make sure he ...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in tho...

A depressed old woman decides it's time to end it all..

so she purchases a pistol and decides she is going to shoot herself in the heart. However, wanting to make sure that death is quick, she visits her doctor to inquire the exact location of the heart. Her doctor informs her that the heart is located just under the left breast, after which she thanks h...

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

A guy goes to heaven ...

and he meets God. God says "You were a good person, come with me" God takes him to what looks like a festival. As they get closer, he hears gunshots. He turns and aske God what this is. He replies "Well, since you were a good person, and did not sin once in your life, you get to commit one sin, f...

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The CIA test

(My uncle told me this joke a long time ago so forgive me for messing it up if I do)

There were 3 men who were in training for the CIA, he was at the final stage of his training to become an agent.

They give the first man a gun and send him into a room. In the room he sees his wife tie...

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Three cowboys are out on the range (long).

It's been a long day and all are hungry. The first cowboy rummages in his saddlebags and pulls out a strip of meat to munch on.

"Got any more of that?" asks the second

"Nope. But I can show you where to get some: the bacon-tree."

"The whut?"

"The bacon-tree. It's two hour...

Make sure that she is really dead

A doctor gets a phone call from his best friend, and the frantic voice at the other end says "God, oh God, my wife's dead! I shot her! What do I do!?" The doc tells his friend to calm down. "OK, now the first thing is, you have to be sure that she's really dead." He hears silence at the other end, t...

Two mexicans are walking in a desert....

and are extremely thirsty and hungry, and are out of food and water. As they continue on their journey to reach their homeland, Carlos says to Juan in broken english, "I don't think we es going to make it, Juan." Juan replies, "We must keep trying Carlos, we es got no choice."

As Carlos and J...

An elderly woman wants to join her husband of 60 years after he died two weeks ago.

She finds his old revolver, and calls the doctor. The doctor, having been the family practitioner for nearly their whole marriage, knows the woman is ready to go. So when she asks him how to end it all quickly with as little pain as possible, he tells her “one bullet, straight to the heart, directly...

The teacher presents a math problem to the class:

- There are 3 birds on a tree branch. A hunter shoots one of the birds with his gun. How many birds are left on the tree?

After many children raise their hand, the teacher chooses one of them to give the answer. The child replies:

- None. No birds remain on the tree, because the other ...

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

Two hunters in the forest

Our story is set out in a wooded hunting reserve. Two men, carrying a backpack and gun each, trekked out into the forest in search of game.
After an hour or two in the forest, one of the hunters keels over and collapses on the ground. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed over. The other h...

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A guy at work calls his wife at home

and an unfamiliar female voice answers the phone. The man asks,

"Who is this?"

"I am the maid."

"Since when have we had a maid?"

"I was hired by the woman of the house this morning."

The man is surprised that his wife would hire a maid without consulting him first ...

The CIA is recruiting three people for a top secret mission. (Long)

Their selection comes down to one final test.

The candidates are brought to a remote, undisclosed location and given a loaded firearm. They receive instructions to walk into an adjacent room and kill the person they see sitting there.

Candidate 1, a highly decorated veteran agent wit...

So, two guys went hunting

During the hunt, one of them holds his chest, lets out a scream and faints. The other man hurried over, checks his breathing and frantically takes out his cellphone to call 911.


Operator: 911. What's your emergency?

Man: Help! I think my friend is dead! He is not breathing!

...

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Out of a 100 CIA initiates, a woman and 2 men are the only ones still remaining after a tough initiation program.

The 3 still have to perform one ultimate test to be fully initiated into the CIA.

The first man is being called by the CIA chief.
"Sir" the chief says "It is time for your final test, a test to prove you will follow orders under any circumstances"
"Right here I have a loaded gun" he con...

Two men are hiking...

Two men are hiking in a forest when suddenly, the other man falls down. "Oh my God!", his friend exclaims. He quickly dials 911. He gets connected to an operater. "This is 911, what is your emergency?" "Me and my buddy were hiking and he suddenly fell down! His eyes are glazed and he isn't moving!" ...

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An old farmer and his neighbor butt heads

An old farmer lives in a world that is always a few generations behind the modern era. As the city grows, the suburbs encroach upon the rural countryside inhabitants that have stewarded these hills for the last 3 centuries. The farmer has a city-folk neighbor that moved in last year who often visits...

A man took his son on a hunting trip.

One day, a man took his son on a hunting trip to Silver Mountain for his sixteenth birthday like his father took him and like his grandfather took his father. As they arrived though, they saw signs everywhere that said "Private property. No hunting."

The dad was upset since it was the end of ...

A wise old pirate captain has captured a group of merchant sailors, but he tells them that he will spare their lives if they can answer a question: What is a pirate's favorite letter?

The first sailor, with a smug look on his face, haughtily walks up to the captain and says "Obviously it's RRRRRRR!". The captain slowly shakes his head and says "RRRRRR you kidding me?" before throwing the sailor overboard to the sharks. The second sailor, a little wary now but still feeling confid...

"911, what is your emergency?"

The voice coming through the dispatcher's headset was that of a young man, clearly in a state of panic. "Ma'am, you gotta help me! I was hunting in the woods with my buddy, and all of a sudden he just turned blue and fell over! I think he's dead! What am I gonna do? You gotta help me!"

"All r...

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