Why did the fish swim across the Atlantic?

To get to the other tide.

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Halfway

Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?

Not enough people really talk about England very much

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

An Airbus A380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 907 km/h in 35,000 feet, when suddenly a Euro-fighter with Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”



He rol...

A joke that works on both sides of the Atlantic.....

A young man is on his first date with his girl, they park up near a wood and start making out. He nibbles her neck.... gently bites her nipples.... licks erotically down her stomach to the top line of her panties..... “Oh yes”, she screams....”kiss me where it smells!”

So he drives her to Bir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three supermodels are on a plane that’s going down over the Atlantic Ocean

While they’re putting on their life preservers, they start talking about what they’re going to wear.

The white woman says “I’m going to wear my hot pink bikini, because when they rescue us they’ll easily be able to see it and hot pink really accentuates my features.”

The Hispanic woman...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane are scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

A man attempts to swim across the Atlantic Ocean

A man tried to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. He left New York and headed for England. He battled rough seas, strong currents, and freezing cold water. After 6 months, he was within one mile of England when realized he was just too exhausted to make it to shore. So he swam back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Submarines in the Atlantic

One day in the Atlantic, two subs surface next to each other. Out of one, an ancient Soviet rustbucket, emerges a rowdy crew that is clearly drunk. On the other, a sleek American sub, cleancut American crewmen stand at attention.

The heavily-bearded Soviet captain begins screaming at his men:...

A UN delegation was flying across the Atlantic...

A Brit, a Frenchman, an American, and a Mexican are told by the pilot that they are too heavy and may crash.

They pop the hatch and toss out all the luggage, but they’re still too heavy.

They rip out the seats and toss them, but they’re still too heavy.

The Brit stands up and...

So hurricane Jose is growing in the Atlantic..

It's going to set records as the first hurricane to put a new roof on your house...

How many South Americans does it take to cross the Atlantic

A Brazilian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy man was on an expensive yacht which was approaching the middle of the Atlantic.

The man approached the captain of the ship.

'I used to have one of these ships, you know,' he began.

'Really, son? Where is it now?' the captain replied.

'Pretty much right underneath us, at the bottom of the sea rusting.'

'What, did it sink, son?'

'Yes. But that d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and son whale are watching the sun set in the Atlantic Ocean

A father and son whale are watching the sun set in the Atlantic Ocean. The son whale then asks his father "Where did I come from?" The father whale replies "From my penis, son." The son sighs and says "Thanks dad." The father whale smiles and says "You're whale cum son."

What did the Pacific ocean say to the Atlantic ocean??

Nothing.. they simply waved!

A woman in Atlantic city was losing at the roulette wheel...

When she was down to her last ten dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. "Why don't you play your age?" he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table. The next thing the fellow with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane passes through a severe storm...

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die, I want my last ...

These 3 Newfies are out fishing in the Atlantic....

...singing *row row row your boat* when a flying saucer appears and the aliens decide to try an experiment. They fire a beam into the boat that instantly removes a quarter of the Newfie's brains. The Newfies continue fishing and singing *row row row your boat.*

The aliens decide to intensify ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American pilot lands his first cross-Atlantic flight in Berlin...

An American pilot lands his first cross-Atlantic flight in Berlin, Germany. After accidentally taking a wrong turn when exiting runway, an angry air traffic controller yells, "Nincompoop! Have you never been here before?" To which the pilot calmly replies, "I've was here twice in 1942 ...but it was ...

An airplane is flying over the Atlantic when suddenly...

One out of four engines explodes. The pilot says over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we lost one out of four engines. This is no cause for panic, as we still have three engines that work fine. However, instead of the two hour flight we planned, it will take us three hours. Thank you for yo...

A Plane is Crashing over the Atlantic

A plane is halfway between New York and London when the pilot announces to the passengers that two engines have failed, and that they will be making an emergency landing in about 30 minutes. Most of the passengers are relatively calm, except for a woman in the back of the plane, who is in absolute ...

A boat in the Atlantic ocean was starting to sink...

... The captain gathered everyone and said "OK everyone, it looks like we are going down, does anyone know how to pray?" One of the ships crew members sitting in the back raises his hand and Hays "yes captain I know how to pray." The captain responds "OK well you start praying and everyone else put ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian metal worker named Yetzel lives in the countryside.

Every day he does back-breaking work at a factory, pounding metal slabs and preparing them to be sold. He make 2 rubles a month, and goes through many hardships daily, what with barely having enough money to feed his 29 children and provide clothes for them all.

One day, Yetzel goes to the re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

So this plane is flying over the atlantic.

So this plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean. The captain comes over the loudspeaker and says, "One of our engines is malfunctioning but we should still make it to our destination just a little late.".

30 minutes and everyone hears a loud BOOM. The passengers get nervous and start looking ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rich is drinking at a casino in Atlantic City

When a hot prostitute walks up and asks if he wants to have a good time?

Rich asks "how much?" and she responds "$500"

He tells her "okay, but for that kind of money, I want to do it with the room pitch black dark". She agrees so Rich tells her to meet him up in his room in fifteen min...

The $50 Cruise

A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise on Craigslist. Despite his better judgement, he grabs some cash and makes his way to the address given in the ad. He opens the door to a small office and is knocked unconscious from behind.



He wakes up tied to a barrel floating in the Atlantic Ocean....

A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...

A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.

The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:

-- Rabbi, what can be do...

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A day at the races

Two female teachers took a group of pupils from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was wa...

A British ship is on a collision course and this is the following transcription with an Irish:

Irish: We need you to divert your course 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision.

British: No, you need to move your ship 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision. We’re not moving.

Irish: Negative. We’re gonna need you to divert your course to avoid a collision. Now!

British...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny overheard a couple of girls in school

The kids were whispering "Purple flowers, purple flowers," and giggling. Curious what this meant, Johnny asked his friend.

"Jimmy, what does purple flowers mean?" Johnny asked.

Little Jimmy looked at Johnny in horror and said "I'm not gonna be friends with someone who says stuff like t...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

Irish Lobsters

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find a grim-faced Constable & one waiting in the front yard.

"We're sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.” ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew walk into a bar...

After a few drinks, they start talking about how they came to their respective faiths. The Christian tells his story first: "One day I was traveling across the Atlantic Ocean when we got caught in a terrible rainstorm. I had lost complete control of the ship, so I got down on my knees and prayed to ...

A wealthy man met a beggar on the street.

The beggar pleaded to the wealthy man to give him a dollar to buy something to eat.

"You poor fellow," said the wealthy man. "Come with me and I'll buy you a drink."

"Actually, I don't drink. But I would like something to eat."

"Here, my friend. Take one of my Cuban cigars," the...

The Titanic: the unsinkable ship

Many said it would go down in history but I say it went down in the Atlantic

Radio conversation in between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.

BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Cod Captain and His Seamen's Semen

Several centuries ago, Irish fishermen sought fortune fishing cod off the coast of Newfoundland. During the long cross-Atlantic journey, many captains worried about their men after so much time away from their wives.

One devoutly Catholic captain was especially concerned that his men might re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Death is inevitable

The Pacific and Atlantic Oceans start a conversation.

Atlantic: What's up Pacific?

Pacific: I'm not doing too well.

Atlantic: What's the problem.

Pacific: What's the problem? Well I'll tell you what the problem is. Everything is more complicated than you think. You only s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mellinials today definitely have it easier than previous generations...

My grandfather had to cross the Atlantic to punch a Nazi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two priests are on a plane

So two priests are flying with a planeload of Sunday school kids to the Vatican to meet the Pope. Halfway across the Atlantic the pilot tells them that the plane is going to crash and that there are only two parachutes.

One priest turns to the other and says, “grab the chutes and we’ll jump!...

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kaine, Mike Pence and an elderly lady were on a plane

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Tim Kaine, Mike Pence and an elderly lady were on a plane that was halfway across the Atlantic Ocean on their way to America. Suddenly, the plane began to start shaking violently.

A voice on the intercom said, "We lost an engine! Going Down! Passengers take a pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This [long] joke always cracked me up..

My grandpa was stationed in Germany after the war. And when I was very small he told me about this little restaurant that served THE best Bavarian cream pie. Apparently he went there every opportunity he had. He couldn't get enough of that Bavarian cream pie - it was absolutely unreal.

Well, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Joke I Remember from Grade 5

There are four men flying in a small plane above the Atlantic ocean; the pilot, the smartest man in the world, and a father and son. Suddenly the plane starts to go down and the pilot emerges from the cockpit and tells everybody that there are only 3 parachutes.

The smartest man in the world...

My mother is Polish and my father was not, so growing up we heard a lot of Polish jokes from my father. All in good fun of course. Here is my favorite.

Yosh and Stosh decided they were going to take a vacation back to their native land Poland. So they’re on the plane halfway across the Atlantic and everything is going great when the captain makes an announcement over the intercom.

“Folks, were having a little trouble with on of the engines ...

Linkin Park fought among themselves in choosing which ocean to take a cruise on.

The Pacific ocean was favored by Chester. The Atlantic was desired by Mike. The Arctic was appealing to Rob and Brad because it is an ocean they've never been to before. The Antarctic was chosen by Dave and Joe because they've heard tales of great sea creatures to see in that area. With great argume...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Long & Dirty) A pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess survive a plane crash

So there is this plane crash above the Atlantic ocean and only the pilot, co-pilot and a stewardess survive. They manage to make it to an island and set up some little camp. After the first week, they realize that surviving is not enough. The pilot asks the stewardess: " Listen, I really need some s...

So these two pieces of Interstate highway are drinking at the bar...

So these two pieces of Interstate highway are drinking at the bar. The first says "I'm I-10, baby! Atlantic to Pacific! Long and Strong. All day, traffic, truckers and they're flying along at ninty miles per hour. Cuz I'm the Best!" The other piece of highway snorts. "You got nothin! I'm I-95. Alway...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a ship

A captain and a rich man were talking in a cabin of a very large yacht.

'I had one of these yachts once,' the rich man told the captain.

'Sold it?' the captain asked.

'No. I wanted to show my parents that I appreciated how they brought me up in life and how they helped me become...

Wee Joe fae Glasgow...

After a disasterous earthquake in New York, a wee man from Glasgow headed off across the Atlantic to aid his American friends in the clean up operation.

After many days of making little progress, Joe heard that President Obama had arrived to thank everyone who was digging in.

That af...

The Irish Spy

A Russian agent is told he is to be sent on a Top Secret mission, where he will rendezvous with Murphy, the Irish spy on the shore of County Donegal. He is told that when he meets Murphy the code phrase is 'The Sun rises
slowly over Moscow'.

The next morning the agent is delivered, at 5 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Officers from USA, Russian and Finland

Officers from Russia, The US and Finland where having a beer at a bar. They were of course bragging about how great their armies are.

The American said that "We have so many airplanes that if them all would fly at the same time the sun would be covered and the day would turn dark for a momen...

If the rumors about Apple manufacturing a driverless car...

Then I can't wait to drive into the middle of the Atlantic ocean!

One day, on an Irish farm....

One day, on an Irish farm, a horse was watching MTV through the farmer's window. He watched a music video made by "The Beatles" and was amazed. "I could play guitar like that" said the Horse to himself and spent a year learning how to play guitar. Satisfied by what he achieved, he showed his work to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God Bless America

Last weekend, I go down to Atlantic City for my friend's bachelor party and inevitably they invite strippers. The strippers stay and party with us after they put on a show for us, and I start to get to know one pretty well- her name's Jane, she likes cats, she goes on fishing trips and shit.

...

The twenty and the one . . .

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they strike up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar...

Hook hand, peg-leg, eye-patch, the whole nine yards. He's decked out in his best pirate garb and just strolls into this pub.

The modern folks in the bar are stunned and amused, but only one brave patron approaches,

"Are you really a pirate?" he asks

"Aye, lad, that I am. Captai...

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep.

The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

100 sailors are on a naval vessel, with 1 nun...

They are in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The captain gets on the PA and announces "We've been hit, abandon ship...I repeat abandon ship!" They all get off boat and and take the emergency boats to the closest land. They go back and forth to the boat for survival items, as quickly as the could...

Portuguese man finds magic lamp

A Portuguese man walking down the beach stumbles upon a rusty and dirty old lamp. Intrigued, he picks it up and rubs it trying to read the old etchings on the side, and out comes a genie!

The genie says: “You have released me, and for that I will grant you one wish!” (hey, it’s a Portuguese g...

Madonna is flying from New York to London . . .

. . . and happens to be seated next to Oprah on the plane. They exchange pleasantries and settle in. Half way over the Atlantic ocean, the pilot comes on the PA and says, "We just lost 3 engines. Prepare to go down in the ocean.

Madonna grabs her carry-on and begins putting on diamond earring...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.