A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you ...

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When I was young, I was courageous enough to shave my privates with a straight razor.

I don’t have the balls to do that anymore.

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

I wonder why Occam’s Razor is called Occam’s Razor

There’s probably a very simple explanation for it.

I keep hearing about Occam's razor, but i don't know what it is.

Most likely, it's a razor owned by someone named Occam.

I very nearly cut myself with a razor this morning...

It was a close shave

You know the razor blade works...

when there are no reviews for it on Amazon.

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"A razor up the queen's vagina"

In a kingdom far far away, there lived a king and a queen. The king was always under the suspicion that the queen might be cheating on him with some of the knights of his court.

One day, he needed to go to the neighbouring kingdom to meet with the king who ruled over there. Before setting of...

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A rich guy suspects that his wife is cheating on him. So he hid a razor in her vagina when she was drunk

He told his 3 bodyguards that he was going to travel for a few days. When he came back he assembled them in a room and asked the first one to take off his pants, his dick was fine so he dismissed so he said ''YES SIR'' and left the room, the second one was asked the same thing and his dick was fine ...

What does your mom and a Razor Scooter have in common?

Everybody rode her, but won't admit it.

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Has anyone tried burning their Gillette razors yet?

I’m having trouble getting mine to catch on fire. Total bullshit. Razor burn must be a myth.

I was looking for some razor blades on amazon today

I assume the ones with no reviews are the best.

Occam's Disposable Razor

When given multiple equally valid choices, choose the one that costs the least money.

Why does Bob Ross hide his wife's razor?

So she always has a happy little bush!

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The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

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Did you hear about the bloke who poisoned his wife with a razor blade?

He gave her arse a nick.

Probably doesn't translate well into American English but there you go.

My dad told me this joke over twenty years ago. He said he'd heard Peter Sellers tell it on a street corner.

Don't ask me why Peter Sellers was telling jokes on a street corner. Must...

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed razor blade?

She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

A man named Tucker, dies and goes to hell

There, a demon takes Tucker to a hallway with three doors. The demon says (in a deep demonic voice) “You must choose one room, where you will spend the next thousand years!”

The demon opens the first door. Inside there is a man in a pit of fire, screaming in agony. Tucker says “Nooo no no! De...

There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics.

It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

How to master Australian accent in seconds

Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud. *You just said razor blades in Australian accent.*

Don't stop there.

Say "Beer Can" with an English accent. *You just said Bacon in Jamaican accent.*

Mastered.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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A man is shaving

A man is shaving with a straight-edged razor when the razor drops out of his hands and lops off his penis. He gathers it up, stuffs it in his pocket, rushes outside and hails a cab, telling the driver to get him to the emergency room fast.

There he tells the surgeon what happened and the s...

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Happy Thanksgiving kiddo

So two days before Thanksgiving little Jimmy is out playing in the yard. He hears his parents arguing and they call each other “bitch” and bastard”. Little Jimmy, ever the curious little bugger goes inside to ask his parents what those words mean. His parents tell him they mean “lady” and “gentleman...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

So Gillette just came out with a new Ad campaign calling out men for toxic masculinity.

I can honestly say this is the first time Ive ever seen a razor blade company cut their own wrists.

An old man was shaving at his house

An 90 year old man was attempting to shave his beard at his house with a razor. His hands weren’t quite as steady as they used to be and his skin had gotten a bit wrinkly in his old age. Consequently, the old man was constantly cutting himself while shaving. One day he decided to go to the barbersh...

Police Officer: Ma'am, can you describe the person who assaulted you?

Woman: Oh yes, officer. I'm certain it was that man on the TV who hijacked that truck full of electric razors.

Police Officer: Ma'am, I'm afraid you been hit by, you've been struck by, a smooth criminal.

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

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Three mice are at a bar arguing about who's the coolest.

The first one says, "When I see a mouse trap I grab the cheese with one hand and do a little workout with the other."

The second one scoffs and says, "Whenever I come across rat poison I chop it up with a razor and fucking snort it."

Suddenly the third one gets up from the table. The o...

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A general and his slutty wife...

The general was going in a trip and he had to leave his wife ... he knew that she bangs the other soldiers so he put a razor inside her vagina

After he came back he said

" alright maggots drop your pants "

So one of the soldiers starts stuttering and asking him why sir ...
...

I’m impressed with the conjuring series.

They’ve managed to create a horrifying nun demon with razor sharp shark teeth, a lust for blood, that jumpscares, nearly kills a man, and has to be banished to hell.

The impressive part is that they’ve perfectly managed to create the 7th scariest thing in the Catholic Church.

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Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

What's silver and tastes like blood?

Razor Blades!

A man walks into a barbershop

He tells the barber, "Could you give me a haircut, where you cut one sideburn is longer than the other, you use the razor to make several baldspots on the front of my head, and you make clear zigzags down the back of my head?"

The barber responds, "That's terrible! I can't do that."

Th...

Benny and the Magic Urn

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple talents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as...

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Kid learns "fancy" words. #1

young Tommy had gotten in trouble at school one day and after a series of events was on the verge of being expelled from his elementary school. To save face the boy's parents invited the superintendent and a few select teacher's over for dinner to discuss Tommy's future at the school. The young boy ...

A Man With One Wish

There was once a man named Benny. Benny was old, tired, and most of all sad. He had no friends, no family, and worked the worst job. The only thing he ever looked forward to was seeing his beautiful neighbor on his way home from work, Jenny.

One day after coming home from work he say a stran...

A girl climbed a tree at the back of the church

A girl climed a tree behind the church to pick fruits. While picking her fruits high above the tree a priest happens to walk by and sees the girl up above him and realized that the girl was not wearing any underwear. .
He calls the girl down and tells her that it's dangerous to climb tress and gi...

Sean Bean is walking down the street

Heard you guys like long OC.

 

Sean Bean is walking down the street, enjoying his Sunday night. Suddenly, a black paneled van pulls up next to him. Four massive dudes in ski masks wearing all black leap out and try to grab him. Sean remembers his GoT training and manages to ta...

Why is success in the shaving industry so difficult?

Razor thin margins.

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The farmers daughter

Three guys were hiking the Appalachian trail, when a severe thunderstorm drove them to a nearby farm to seek shelter.

The farmer welcomed them in, saying: "This is my farm, and my rules. You will all three stay in the guest room, but don't you last a hand on my daughters."

Before goin...

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Where’s The Cheese

Paddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mouse trap. It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at right angles. Below the drop is a piece of cheese.

Patent officer: “How does it work then?”

Paddy: “Quite straightforward. The mouse walks up the ramp. When he...

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A head of state is suspicious about his wife

A head of state is suspicious about his wife cheating with a member of his cabinet.

So one night he inserts a razor blade inside her and after a week has passed ordered all the members to remove their pants. To his surprise everyone had his dick cut except the Minister of Defense. He then tha...

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A little boy and his parents were getting ready for Thanks giving dinner.

He heard his parents arguing.
"You bitch!" his dad yelled.
"You bastard!" his mom yelled.
"What do bitch and bastard mean?" the little boy asked.
"Oh . . . a bitch is a woman, and a bastard is a man," his mom replied.
Later, the little boy walked in on his mom and dad messin...

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A little rabbit is running happily through the forest

... when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with ...

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Two hunters are sitting in a deer stand.

The first one excitedly tells his buddy about the new binoculars he just bought "The image on these is razor-sharp. You can even see my house from here. Take a look!"

The second one takes a look and casually asks "What would you do if your wife cheated on you with your best friend?"

...

Why are there so many furry flat earthers?

Because they don't have Occam's Razor.

[RIDICULOUSLY LONG] So a Buddhist monk goes to a barber to get his head shaved...

A Buddhist monk walks into a barber shop to get his head shaved, and the barber greets him. Taking the implication, the barber prepares the lather and does a fine job shaving the monk's head down to the last hair.

When the monk offers him some cash for the deed, the barber refuses, saying, "F...

Driving along the freeway I overtook a female driver doing her make up in the mirror..

I was so shocked I dropped my razor in my coffee.

Christan Bear

A man who was atheist was walking in the woods when he heard a growl and the loud sound of branches snapping behind him. He turned around to see what was making the noise and he saw a large grizzly bear standing on his rear paws poised to attack. The man imediately turned around and started running ...

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DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

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A captain brought his daughter on board of his ship...

and forbid every sailor to have sex with her. He didn't tell any of his crew, but he put razor blades in his daughter vagina for safety measures because he didn't trust anyone of them. Each week, the captain will check the dick of his sailor and kill everybody who's dick missing.

So the first...

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A young boy walks in on his parents arguing...

It's the evening of Thanksgiving and a young boy happens upon his parents who are arguing loudly in the kitchen. "You're a bitch!" Yells the father. "You're a bastard!" Yells the mother. "Well you've got floppy tits!" Says the father. "Yeah? Well you've got a crooked dick" Cries the mother. The fath...

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Cow

Small poor family of four lived on the edge of forest.
Samll house, small garden, no work and only a cow that really supported the family.
One day father walks out the house and sees yard full of blood, intestines and a head on the porch.
- Oh my god, I can't support my family any more, ...

Working Redditors: What is your favorite joke about your own profession?

Retired U.S. Air Force here and this is my favorite military joke:

The biggest difference between the branches of the U.S. Armed Forces is that if you give the order to **"Secure that building!"**

* The Army will kick the doors down, enter with weapons drawn, eliminate all hostiles...

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A child walks in on his parents having an argument

A child walks in on his parents having an argument and he hears "You bitch!" and "You bastard!" He asks, "What does that mean?". His parents, not expecting the question, answer "They're other words for 'Ladies and Gentlemen'."

The child later walks in on his parents having make-up sex and he...

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How do you piss off an emo?

Give them a dull razor.

One time Lenin's widow, Nadezhda Krupskaya, visits an elementary school.

The schoolchildren asked her to tell them a story Vladimir Lenin.

"Children, you should know about Lenin's great kindness." she says with eyes misty.
"I remember once he was shaving his beard outside of home, and a little child was passing by & asked him (What are you doing, Mr Lenin...

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Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee.

He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door.
In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to ...

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Once upon a time, in an Eastern Land

There were two men, one of British and the other of Asian descent, whom would frequently quarrel over a breath-taking Japanese lady; she was a perfect specimen of a woman, with a slender frame and deep, blue eyes. An exquisitely sweet aroma would follow her in the summer, and she was widely known to...

What do logicians use to shave?

Occam's razor

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An Irishman, Scotsman and a Englishman all book into a hotel

The Irishmen books into Room 18 Floor 3, Scotsman in Room 18 Floor 2 and the englishman in Room 18 Ground Floor. Once getting their keys the irishman begans to shave out of his window, Just as the scotsman takes a piss out the window because his Toilets broke and the Englishman starts cooking his di...

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A family is having a party...

And the youngest boy is ready before everyone else. His mother is preparing food in the kitchen and asks "can you tell your brother, sister, and father to be ready? The guests are almost here!" With a nod of his head, the young boy scurries off to grab the rest of his family.

He runs upstairs...

Priest, daughter and mother.

One day a priest was walking by and saw a young girl climb a tree. He went over to her, looked up and saw that she had no underwear on. He called to her to come down and gave her $15 dollars for some undies.

The young girl told her mother that the priest gave her money to buy some underwear...

Shopping back then

My pop was telling me about how back in the fifties you could get so much more from the shops.

Het tells me "we used to be able to go into grace brothers with ten dollars and come out with two pairs of socks, some new undies, a razor or two and a small bottle of aftershave."

Bu...

How contagious?

A middle aged father was in the bathroom one morning shaving before work, when his teenage daughter passed by the doorway, she came back a moment later and asked her father " dad I've got a very serious question for you" "ok" he replies go ahead, she then sheepishly asks, " um how contagious is herp...

Topical Jokes for 6/13

A woman at an Arizona Burger King found a razor blade in her salad. Even more amazing, she found a salad inside a Burger King.

A new study has discovered that dinosaurs were neither warm-blooded, nor cold-blooded. Which is the perfect dinosaur trivia, if you desperately need to end a conversa...

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The Lonely Rig Worker

An oil rig mechanic returns to his cabin after his shift and discovers his cabinmate sitting on the edge of his bunk, his feet in a basin, hastily scraping a razor over his soaped-up legs.

"Um, hey, what are you up to?" asks the mechanic.

"I was talking to old Joe in the canteen today,...