UPJOKE
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Shaved for the first time in a while.

Feels like I'm jacking off a new man.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

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What to you call a police officer with a shaved vagina?

Cuntstubble

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
...

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

A bearded man walks into a bar

"Everybody's drinks are on me tonight"

He then drank his beer, went to the restroom and shaved his beard

later he went to the bartender and asked : "how much should I pay ?"

"no sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight"

...

I'm an ex-neckbeard and I just shaved for the very first time!

I guess you could say I lost my fur-chin-ity..

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A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

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The bloody dog ran off last night...

I walked round the park calling his name for 30 mins & still couldn't find him, my wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the fucking dog.

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.


That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay y...

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

An older man sees a sign saying "Free Shaves! Closest you'll ever get!"

The old man walks into the barber shop and goes to the counter.

"Free shaves eh? And you claim that they are close? All these wrinkles make it impossible for me to get a close one."

The barber smiles and hands him a wooden ball, and guides him over to the barber chair.

"Put ...

My pandemic no-shaving challenge is going great! I haven't shaved before work in months!

I also haven't worked in months.

Shaving

I finally shaved my legs and donated the hair to locks of love.....

This woman, who has never shaved her armpits, is sitting in a bar...

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so, as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every twenty minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink.

This goes on all night. The ot...

I haven't shaved my mustache since the lockdown begun...

And it's kind of growing on me.

Last night I shaved my head, and my wife has been rubbing my scalp all morning.

Tonight I'm shaving my crotch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my mate rubs his hands over my freshly shaved head and laughs "Feels just like my wife's arse!"

I rubbed my hands over my head and blinked in surprise. "You're right, it absolutely does."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between shaved and unshaved oral sex?

One is private and the other is pubelick.

I shaved the top half of my cat this morning.

He's been furloughed too.

I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day

He was a Barber.

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A man is out of town on a business trip, and he decides to go looking for some action.

He finds and enters a bar, and is pleased to find that there are several good-looking women inside. Not just good-looking, actually, but beautiful, and all dressed to the nines in sexy outfits, made up to look their prettiest. It's what the Army calls a "target-rich environment". The only problem is...

My friend shaved her eyebrows and has been drawing them on. Lately, she's been drawing them too high.

When I told her, she looked surprised.

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.

One sign read "The End is Near!"

The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"

He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.

He sped off round the co...

I’ve been going out with this girl for a while. She’s been getting really into makeup. She even shaved off her eyebrows to draw them on. This morning I told her she drew them too high...

...at first I thought she would be mad at me, but she actually seemed surprised!

What’s the difference between a French university student and a Russian one?

The French student is well shaved and slightly drunk; the Russian one is vice versa

-Dad! You shaved my eyebrows while I was sleeping?

-Yes, and you don't seem surprised

My boss noticed I shaved before coming in to the office today

then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on

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