Graze Jokes - 45 Hilarious Graze Jokes

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

Three cows graze in a field

The first cow, Rose, says, “I was named Rose because the first thing my head touched was a beautiful, red rose.”

The second cow, Daisy, says, “My mother named me Daisy because when I was born, I fell out headfirst onto a beautiful field of daisies.”.

The third cow, Brick, says, “Guuuh”

Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants?

He liked high steaks.

I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.

The steaks have never been higher.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

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Why do the Scottish graze their sheep at the edges of a cliff?

They push back harder when you're shagging them.

A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze...

When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

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The animals in the zoo were talking amongst themselves about the recent drought...

The cows said they hoped it would rain soon as the fields they grazed in were dry and turning brown.

The giraffes said they hoped it rained soon as the leaves on the tops of the trees were sparse.

The monkeys hoped it would rain because the branches of the trees were dry and snappin...

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

An old buck rabbit and his son go hopping down to the field to graze, and the father notices the does are ready for mating.

So he says to his son, "Son, it's time you learned how this is done," and he hops onto the nearest doe and gets on with business, and when he's done he hops off again and says "*Merci, madame*!" and says to his son, "And you always say 'thank you' like a gentleman. Now I'll start this end of the lin...

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

A farmer was letting his 26 cows graze on a field near his farm with his dog

when suddenly he sees a rain cloud approach. He doesn't want his animals getting soaked or they might end up cold.

He quickly scavenges for a bunch of branches and combines it with a tarp that he brought just for this occasion to build a make shift shelter. He whistles for his dog to herd th...

What grazes in the Higgs Field?

The Higgs Bison!

OC - What's the binge show of choice for chubby pre-med cows

Graze Anatomy

I've just been on Trip Advisor

Absolutely no help about a twisted ankle and a grazed knee

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A little know tale of the Legendary duo of King Akbar and his witty Minister Birbal.

So, King Akbar's daughter had reached the marriageable age. As was the custom at the time a competition was held to choose the right groom for her. The task was to pole vault over a 10 feet wall topped with barbed wire.

All eligible princes' were invited to the event, but no one was successfu...

What is a New Zealander’s favorite book?

50 Shades of Graze

Legal ramifications of roaming livestock

An issue/nuisance some farmers encounter is roaming livestock. For example, a farmer could lose some money if his neighbor’s livestock graze on his land and eat or trample on his crops. In the US, many states have enacted laws to address this issue, deferring the scheme to individual counties.
...

I was attacked by a flock of sheep earlier...

Fortunately, I was only grazed.

I watched a documentary on the feeding behaviors and biology of cattle...

"Graze Anatomy"

A group of bulls is standing on a hillock

They graze and observe cows on the field below. The 2 year old one says "Come on guys, let's go down there and hump all of them." The 5 y/o one says "Easy there buddy. Let's go down there and hump the good looking ones." 7 y/o snorts "Look guys, if cows want it they'll come to us." Then the 10 y/o ...

My wife would be upset - (Long)

I was going on my motorbike when I saw a car coming the wrong way on a oneway road. An extremely beautiful woman was at the driving seat. I was so distracted that I had to swerve last minute to avoid the car which led to me losing control and ending up in a ditch next to the road. After a minute or...

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A bull and his son look out from on top of a hill

Below them a herd of cows graze on an open pasture as the sun begins to set for the night The young bull turns to his father and says "Hey dad let's go down and fuck one." The father bull turns from the sunset and replies, "Son, we're gonna fuck em all."

A man decides he's going to travel the world and preach the word of God...

In his travels he comes across a tribe. The chief can speak English and so they take him in, give him food, water and shelter and in the morning he asks that they gather to hear what he has to say.

"So", says the man "let me tell you the story of Jesus Christ." And he tells the story of Jesus...

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Free food isn't always the best

Tiffany and her coworkers are all servers and busboys at a busy seafood restaurant. Most of the food is higher end, and the plates can be pricey. The staff sees no problem with cleaning up the patrons' scraps, because they graze the leftovers at the same time.

A regular, Charlie, a man in h...

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A hunter goes to a forest, owned by a friendly old man, to try and hunt a bear

The old man warns him: - If you don't succeed on your task, the bear will fuck you in the ass.- He ignores him, goes up to the bear's cave, holds his breath, aims and shoots the bear, missing. The bear goes behind the terrified hunter and fucks him in the ass. The hunter runs away, humiliated, and h...

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It was the first session of a packed literary festival.

As was his wont, one particular writer hogged the mic and was refusing to let go.

A seasoned festival-attendee, who had borne the torture of said writer nobly over several festivals, had come prepared this time: with a dozen rotten eggs.

When the writer took a deep breath to launch int...

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Two old friends meet at the supermarket and one says

"Hey, man! How have you been?"

"Oh, great," says the other. "I have recently bought an elephant."

"An elephant? Are you serious?" asks his friend.

"Yeah, man. The kids love him, he's their best friend. They call him Mr Trunks. He washes my car with his trunk. I don't need to cut...

A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland.

On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.

The young farmer's wife gave them a tour, a cheese making a demonstration, and finally some samples.

As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.

She said, "T...

A farmer, an engineer, and a mathematician are building a fence...

The farmer, drawing from his years of farming experience, tells the others about how much wood and materials they’ll need to build the pin for his sheep to graze.

The engineer, determined to find the exact amount of materials to build the fence, draws up a series of complex equations and calc...

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Three Professors travel in a train in Switzerland...

A professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into Switzerland.

Looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology sees a black sheep.

"How interesting" he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in Switzerland"...

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Purty goat

A young man got his first real job with a mining company. The mining camp was way out in the hinterlands- there wasn't even a town within a two hour drive. A couple of days in he realizes the men have taken to satisfying their manly urges with goats who were grazed nearby. He expressed his disgust, ...

(NSFW) So me and my native american guide were out buffalo hunting

I figured I would take him since his people are rather well known for living off the buffalo before they went relativly extinct. So while we were out in the field I just followed him and let him lead the way. Eventually he said he thought he had begun to find a trail but we later lost it.

So...

Cow jokes that had to be shared

-Why is there a high gang rate amongst cows? They've all got beef.
-Why was the cow a terrible sharpshooter? All he did was graze.
-How can you tell if there are cows hiding near by? You can hear them uttering to each other.
.....thank you

A submarine is following its course, when the alarm goes off...

Everyone starts panicking, except for James. He is known for being the funniest among the recruits and he always lights up the mood, even in critical situations.

"What is going on?" he asks.

"We are about to crash, you imbecile! Go help Smith, quick!"

"Wanna hear a funny j...

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"I just bought an elephant and it was the best purchase ever"

While walking down the street, a man meets a friend he hasn't met for a while. They stop and chat, talking about what's new in their lives. The friend mentions having bought an elephant pretty recently.

"It was the best purchase ever! It grazes on my lawn, keeping it perfectly trimmed. I ...

What is reincarnation? A cowboy asks his friend.

It starts, his old pal told him, when your life comes to an end.

They wash your neck and comb your hair and clean your fingernails,

And put you in a padded box away from life's travails.

The box and you goes in a hole that's been dug in the ground.

Reincarnation starts in...

A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

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Hygiene was an issue at the farm

John, the farmer was an old man who couldn't tend to his farm any more. His children had left for the city for greener pastures.
Few years back his wife passed away of old age.

Seeing the farm in neglect, all the domesticed animals on the farm called for an urgent meeting.

The cow, ...

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

The King asked one of his advisors to find the biggest five idiots in the kingdom and bring them to him within a month.

King Bob asked his advisor Simon to look for five biggest idiots in his state and produce them in his court within a month.
After a month's extensive search operations, Simon brought to the court only two people!

"But I asked for five," King Bob shouted angrily.

"Give me a chance to...

Stable bulls

One for the old folks...

Along the coast in California, there is a large dairy herds that graze the hillsides. The sun and the rain produce wonderful pastureland. The best eating was at the tops of the hills, but when the ocean breezes turn to gales, the cows are often blown right off their f...

In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small fron...

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A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam go golfing...

The imam tees off first. He completely shanks the drive. "Fuck!" he screams, "I missed!" The priest turns to the imam and says "My friend, you must watch you language. If you continue to swear God will rain his wrath upon you". The others tee off without further incident.

On the fairway, the ...

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Two Amish men want to sell part of their brood of chickens

So, they decide to make their way to the market in the center of a large town nearby.

The younger of the two men has never been outside their small community, and is subsequently very excited and also quite nervous.

Rather than taking a full horse and buggy, they decide to ride a don...

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