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Mustache Jokes

I just complimented someone’s mustache

and suddenly I’m not friends with her anymore. :(

I never liked the idea of having a mustache..

But then it grew on me.

I spent years searching for the perfect mustache

It was right under my nose the whole time.

What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

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Back in the early 1900s Japanese cops always had a mustache

One day a Japanese man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter for a free bowl of ramen because he is a cop. The waiter replied " you dont have a mustache so how do i know id you are a real cop...". The man quickly pulls down his pants and undys, points to his bush and says "im undercover"

While living alone and always wearing a mask in public, I grew a mustache without anyone knowing.

It’s my secret ‘stache.

Mustaches are taking over

And it's happening right under our noses

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A woman gets off a roller coaster at an amusement park. Feeling dizzy from the ride, she immediately falls to the ground, unconscious.

She wakes up to find a man rubbing her breasts. "What are you doing?" she asks.

"I was just reviving you," replies the man. "When I saw you unconscious on the ground, I lightly slapped you, but nothing happened. I rubbed your wrists, but nothing happened. I even gave you mouth to mouth, but s...

I like the way my friend Sam's mustache looks, so I figured I'd say something nice.

I don't understand why she's mad at me over a compliment.

My buddy had a threesome with his GF and her twin….

I asked him how he could tell them apart? He told me her brother had a mustache…

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The guy with a silly mustache

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells : “I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and stupid rules being a leader!”

A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin.

Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : “Who wer...

Complementing a mustache should be a good thing

I don't know why she took it as an insult.

Why do Italian men grow a mustache ?

So they can look like their mother.

Someone glued a mustache to my face.

I can't pull it off...

My daughter just said," I hope you're going to shave off that mustache before the holiday, it's embarrassing."

I was shocked, as that's the bravest thing anyone has ever said........ TO MY WIFE!!!!.

Trim that mustache, sir?



Not everyone gets a hand-job from their barber ...







But then again, not everyone cuts their *own* hair!

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A louse enters the employment bureau and says, "I'm unemployed, what to do?"

The clerk looks at the computer and says, "I can offer you a job in Danny's mustache."

"Great", says the louse, and the next day she goes to work.

Two days later she comes back, "I can not work in Danny's mustache - He smokes a lot, and I have asthma."

"Well", says the clerk, ...

You compliment someone's mustache...

...and the next thing you know, out of the blue, she stops talking to you.

You compliment someone for their mustache and suddenly

She's not your friend anymore.

I haven't shaved my mustache since the lockdown begun...

And it's kind of growing on me.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

How does a mustache support his family in the event of his untimely death?

By investing in a shavings account.

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Stranded

So a plane crashes near a deserted island, and the only survivors are Megan Fox and a guy named Bill. So for months, Bill builds her a shelter, catches fish, cooks, and takes care of Megan, while being a perfect gentleman.

So then Megan approaches Bill one night, and they make passionate lov...

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Fucking asshole with a mustache

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking assh...

My wife: “There’s a man at the door with a mustache”

Me: “Tell him I’ve already got one!”

A man goes to the doctor, he's visibly losing hair.

He says to the doctor, "I've spent months trying to grow my hair back, trying so many different treatments, but nothing has worked." The doctor says, "Well, it sounds a bit weird but, I suggest you rub the top of your head against your wife's private area once a night." The man does so, and a month ...

A man found a mustache hidden underneath a water valve in his house...

He messaged his old room mate who had moved out 5 months earlier to see if he knew anything about the mustache as the compartment to reach the valve was in his old room.

The ex room mate replied "You found it!, My secret stache!"

I was told that if I fapped too often, that I’d grow hair on the palms of my hands.

That theory also explains why a lot of women get mustaches when they grow up.

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My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

At first I didn’t like my mustache, because it made me look like a total dad.

But it’s growing on me.

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My buddy was dating twins...

I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."

How come people with mustaches lose them so often?

They're hiding right under their noses.

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Stalin sits inside of his office in the Kremlin.

He is attending a meeting of extreme importance with Marshall Zhukov. Outside of the office, sits Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev.

Soon enough, Marshall Zhukov walks out of Stalin's office, mumbling "Murderous mustache...". Poskrebyshev's face bleaches, as he storms inside of the office scre...

My wife said she found my first gray hair, but I didn't believe her for the longest time. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I saw it in the mirror, on the left side of my mustache.

It was right under my nose this whole time.

What did the customer say to the barber?

“I mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later!”

I made a genuine compliment about a co-workers mustache

I don't know why she made such a big deal about it to HR.

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A russian went out of Stalin's office and says to himself

This stupid mustached man.
A KGB officer hears him and grabs him to stalin and tells him what he heard.
Stalin to the man: who did you mean when you said "mustached man".
The man: Hitler of course.
stalin to the KGB officer: And who YOU thought he was referring to?

Stopped shaving for November, at first I hated the mustache, but what can I say?

It's grown on me.

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A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.

Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. 

After several months, the guy approac...

What's the difference between Putin and Stalin?

A mustache.

My wife told me she feels like she is losing her hair

I told her I had noticed but hadn’t wanted to say anything..

She asked me where had I noticed it?

I told her that her mustache seemed thinner…

My neighbor always tells me he was the coolest kid in grade 6

Today I found out he was the only kid in his class with a driver's license and a mustache

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My best mate is shagging twins

I asked how do you tell them apart? he said "Vicky's blonde with a massive set of tits & steves got a mustache"

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A flea is getting some sun on Miami beach...

...when another flea comes along. The second flea is freezing cold, shivering. He explains, "I'm from Vermont. I caught a ride in the mustache of a guy, who came down by motorcycle. I froze my tiny flea balls off the whole way. Even in this sun I am chilled to the bone."

The first flea replie...

NSFW - a friend of mine told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked how he can tell them apart... it’s easy he said

Her brother has a mustache.

I didn't like my mustache so I decided to shave it

Changed my mind last minute though because it had really grown on me

I told my SO that now Movember is over they should shave their mustache.

She didn't take it very well.

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A Russian joke (sorry if a repost)

One day a Soviet Party member is walking through red square when he hears a man shout “down with the tyrant with the mustache.” Immediately the party member drags the man to Stalin and explains what he said. Stalin, furious asks: why did you say that? The man replies he was talking about Hitler. Sta...

What’s the difference between your mother and a walrus?

One has a mustache and smells like fish, the other is a walrus!

-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?

\-Have you tried shaving your mustache?

\-No

\-Well you should, Karen.

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2 fleas meet in the city...

One of them is coughing hard and seems to be really sick.
The other one asks: "what the F happened to you?"
The other replies: "I did something stupid. I crawled into the mustache of a biker. Shit got cold quickly and now I'm stuck with the flu."

"Man that sucks, but I know something...

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Stalin and his general

Stalin's most trusted general has just finished giving Stalin his latest report on the Soviet defenses against the invading German troops. As the general exits Stalin's quarters, he mutters, "Hideous mustache! It reflects the iniquity within!!"

Unfortunately for him, he is overheard by Stalin...

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WW2 Joke

Here's a joke I just learned (paraphrasing)

A Soviet General is walking out of the staff office after meeting Stalin to discuss plans for fighting the Germans

as he leaves the guard at the door hears him mutter under his breathe "murderous mustache" he enters the room and tells Stalin<...

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A man is walking in Russia

when he shouts "I hate that stupid leader with his stupid mustache!"

A soldier, on hearing that, arrests the man and takes him straight to Stalin.

The soldier told Stalin what he heard and so Stalin asks the man what he meant when he said that.

The man replies "I was talking ab...

A man walks into a t-shirt store...

There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."

The third tee shirt has a picture of M...

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he is shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, “Why are shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea says, “That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where ...

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Little Timothy was a bright young boy,

And he was even fairly handsome. The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed ...

Beards at work

Just a word of advice, if a woman at work asks you "When are you going to shave off that ridiculous mustache?!" Do not reply "When you shave yours!". It could land you in HR....

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Zhokov's Response

-- Zhukov angrily exits Stalin's office. In the corridor, he swears:

Z: What a fucking cunt with a mustache!

-- NKVD's officer guarding the door noticed that and said:

NKVD: What did you say, comrade?

-- Zhukov said he had said nothing.

NKVD: Well, let's go back to...

Accidentally told a joke at work today

Lost a bet and had to grow a mustache.

Co-worker: "Hey booskadoo247, how do you like your mustache?"

booskado247: "It's growing on me."

Accidental Comedian strikes again!

Women are like the police

Once they've settled on a partner they eat a lot of donuts and then grow a mustache

A duck walks into a store

“Got any duct tape?”

The owner answers, “no, and get out of here, you dumb duck!”

The duck comes back in a little while later, wearing a fake mustache. “Got any duct tape?”

“NO! And get out, I won’t tell you again,” the owner shouts.

A while later, the duck comes back wit...

Crab and flea

A crab and a flea are talking one day, when the flea has a brilliant idea.

“Let’s split for one week, catch a ride on whatever we please, then we’ll meet back up and share experiences.”

Thinking it sounds like a great plan, the crab agrees, and they set about their ways.

One w...

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Two friends are sitting in a coffee shop.

One glances up and sees an Asian man sitting at a table nearby and says to his buddy, "I reckon that's a Japanese man over there. With his business suit and laptop."

"Hmmm, I think they're Chinese. His ponytail and long mustache gives it away." Replied his friend.

Luckily a third frien...

Two Fleas meet on a beach in florida

Two fleas are laying on a beach in florida

The first flea who is sunning himself looks to the 2nd and asks

Flea 1- "why are you shivering so bad ?"

Flea 2- "I hitched a ride down here on the mustache of a man who rode a motorcycle and it almost froze me to death"

Flea...

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Would you like to dance? This is one of my favorite jokes. Hope y'all like it.

200 years ago, a boy's eye got poked out by a thorny branch. His father was a famous wood worker and decided to make the best thing he'd ever made! A wooden eye for his son.

The wooden eye looked pretty good-- most people couldn't tell it wasn't real. But still, the boy had low confidence bec...

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

Two lice meet after many years and discuss about their lives.

The first one looks very healthy, while the other one is very sick.

"You look terrible", says the first one. "Why is that?".

"Well, I live in the mustache of a Harley Davidson motorcyclist, who rides all the time and the cold wind makes me get sick. How about you? You look so healthy"....

Came to work today with

drawn mustache...women with drawn brows called me an idiot.

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Becoming a Nazi

A 5 year old Jewish boy wanted to see what it was like to be a Nazi soldier so he dyed his hair blonde, put on a toothbrush mustache, and wore a red armband with a hand-drawn black swastika. He goes to his mother, “Look mama, I’m a Nazi!” and she punches him in the face. Then he goes to his father a...

An Eskimo goes to the mechanic

the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." and the Eskimo says "No, that's just frost on my mustache."

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Old World War II political joke my granddad told me when I was a kid.

I'll try to retell it exactly as he told it to me when I was about seven or so.

>There's this intersection with a four way stop. Four cars displaying reichstag flags approach the intersection. You know, like those official flags the president's got, except they got the kraut eagle and car...

I don't understand why I don't get a date!

-I don't understand why I don't get a date!

-Did you try without your mustache?

-No.

-Maybe you should Jennifer... maybe you should.

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Desert Island

A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island. After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford. They build a le...

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Harry the horse

Once upon a time, in a quaint little village nestled between rolling green hills, there lived a horse named Harry. Now, Harry was no ordinary horse; he possessed an uncanny ability to make the most mundane situations utterly hilarious. His knack for comedy made him the talk of the town, and villager...

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Freddy the Flea

Freddy The Flea

Freddy the Flea is laying out in the sun in Miami Beach, putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms, and on his little flea legs, when he notices his buddy Oscar stumbling down the beach.

Oscar is a mess, he’s shivering, disheveled, and looks like 9 miles of bad ro...

Pithy saying from my Dad....

When asked about growing a beard or mustache, his comment was...

"Why cultivate around your mouth what grows wild around your ass"

A true story.

Two little fleas... They meet at a bar in Florida. They vacation together all the time. One year, the second little flea arrives, and he's freezing, freezing cold. And he says, "Ooh, ooh, I was just zooming down from Jersey in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle, and I am frozen!" And the first...

The tale of two gnats

So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does.

"Well," says the beat up gnat, "My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker's mustache, and if holding on while he's r...

Beware the viper

A man arrives home and checks his messages. He got one by someone with a creepy sounding voice, saying, “This is the viper. Tomorrow I am coming to your house!” The man is pretty frightened by this. Who is this Viper; a serial killer? A prank caller?

The man hopes it’s a prank call and...

People need to learn how to take a compliment...

Just today I complimented the most epic mustache I've ever seen and the lady didn't even say thanks.

Today I found Jesus in my life. Let me tell you about him.

He is tan with a thick black mustache, and eyes so brown they make your soul melt. He is my gardner, the best I have ever employed.

A high school girl decides she wants extra cash to buy clothes

She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men.

The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.

The second man has a purple jumpsui...

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A woman traveling in the bus needs to pee badly

She asks the driver to stop the bus. He says that they are running late and he can not stop the bus and that she will have to do it some other way.

Keeping everyone's comfort in mind, she decides that she will simply pee out of the window. So she goes to the end of the bus and relieves hersel...

I applied for a job but my resume stinks...

...so I asked a friend to help me out by pretending to be extremely unqualified so that I would seem like the better candidate. Everyday he walked into the office and applied for the same job under a different name and in a different costume each time. On the first day he went as himself, on the sec...

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