I wasn't sure about my mustache at first

But it's grown on me

You compliment someone for their mustache and suddenly

She's not your friend anymore.

Decided to start rocking a mustache during quarantine...

Wasn’t a fan of it at first but it has started to grow on me

A man found a mustache hidden underneath a water valve in his house...

He messaged his old room mate who had moved out 5 months earlier to see if he knew anything about the mustache as the compartment to reach the valve was in his old room.

The ex room mate replied "You found it!, My secret stache!"

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

I didn't like my mustache so I decided to shave it

Changed my mind last minute though because it had really grown on me

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Back in the early 1900s Japanese cops always had a mustache

One day a Japanese man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter for a free bowl of ramen because he is a cop. The waiter replied " you dont have a mustache so how do i know id you are a real cop...". The man quickly pulls down his pants and undys, points to his bush and says "im undercover"

Why do Italian men grow mustaches?

So they can look like their mothers.

I just complimented someone’s mustache

and suddenly I’m not friends with her anymore. :(

Deadpool interviewing superman after that mustache cover up in Justice League

"Hey, blue spandex, excuse me but I moustache ask you a question or should I shave it for later?"

Credit : YouTube comment by Zyle Williams.

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A hungry drifter walks down a country road, and spots a small farmhouse. Looking for a bite, he knocks on the door, and a cheap, stingy farmer answers...

The drifter says, “Well hello, sir! Say, I’m mighty hungry, might you have something I could eat?”
The farmer replies, “No sir, I have nothing to spare.”
The drifter says, “Well then, I noticed you have some Honeysuckle growing out in your fields....mind if I go get myself some honey?”
The...

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A woman traveling in the bus needs to pee badly

She asks the driver to stop the bus. He says that they are running late and he can not stop the bus and that she will have to do it some other way.

Keeping everyone's comfort in mind, she decides that she will simply pee out of the window. So she goes to the end of the bus and relieves hersel...

Beards at work

Just a word of advice, if a woman at work asks you "When are you going to shave off that ridiculous mustache?!" Do not reply "When you shave yours!". It could land you in HR....

I told my SO that now Movember is over they should shave their mustache.

She didn't take it very well.

A high school girl decides she wants extra cash to buy clothes

She walks all over town trying to find a job for someone her age. She meets three men.

The first man is short, stocky, and has a red beard. He offers her a job gutting fish. She wrinkles her pretty nose and says no thank you, I don’t like the smell.

The second man has a purple jumpsui...

What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

I made a genuine compliment about a co-workers mustache

I don't know why she made such a big deal about it to HR.

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Becoming a Nazi

A 5 year old Jewish boy wanted to see what it was like to be a Nazi soldier so he dyed his hair blonde, put on a toothbrush mustache, and wore a red armband with a hand-drawn black swastika. He goes to his mother, “Look mama, I’m a Nazi!” and she punches him in the face. Then he goes to his father a...

-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?

\-Have you tried shaving your mustache?

\-No

\-Well you should, Karen.

How come people with mustaches lose them so often?

They're hiding right under their noses.

How does a mustache support his family in the event of his untimely death?

By investing in a shavings account.

What's the difference between your mom & a Walrus?

One has a mustache, and smells like fish.

The other one is a Walrus.

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Fucking asshole with a mustache

At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts. When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking assh...

I don't really like my mustache

But it's growing on me

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Little Timothy was a bright young boy, and he was even fairly handsome.

The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self esteem.

But he wa...

Complementing a mustache should be a good thing

I don't know why she took it as an insult.

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NSFW. LONG. A couple of fleas were hanging out at a bar..

A couple of fleas, Frank and Pete, were hanging out at a bar by the beach. Frank asks Pete how are things going, to which Pete says

“Not great man. I found this dog in the street a few days ago and things were great...for a while. Plenty to eat, nice and warm, but I feel asleep and got woken...

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What do you like?

Old man tony goes to his neighbor and asks,
“Hey Gambini, do you like a woman who got a small mustache that always smell like garlic?”
Gambini says “no”

“Then do you like a woman so big she have to step sideways through a door way?”

“Oh no”

“You like a woman so loud she m...

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is th...

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Lenin in Poland

The communist party of Poland decided to celebrate the anniversary of Lenin’s birth. They approached a famous painter and asked him for a painting titled “Lenin in Poland”. The painter hated communism, but he agreed to do it on the condition that he will have total artistic freedom and everyone will...

Stopped shaving for November, at first I hated the mustache, but what can I say?

It's grown on me.

Two Fleas meet on a beach in florida

Two fleas are laying on a beach in florida

The first flea who is sunning himself looks to the 2nd and asks

Flea 1- "why are you shivering so bad ?"

Flea 2- "I hitched a ride down here on the mustache of a man who rode a motorcycle and it almost froze me to death"

Flea...

I shaved my mustache after having kept it for a few years

I hated the way I looked at first, but it's growing on me.

I spent 20 years traversing across the globe searching for the best mustache...

... Until I realized the best mustache was right under my nose the whole time

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A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks. Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said,...

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Stranded

So a plane crashes near a deserted island, and the only survivors are Megan Fox and a guy named Bill. So for months, Bill builds her a shelter, catches fish, cooks, and takes care of Megan, while being a perfect gentleman.

So then Megan approaches Bill one night, and they make passionate lov...

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What’s the difference between a feminazi and Hitler?

Hitler only had half a mustache

I complimented someone for their amazing mustache.

I don't understand why she threw a fit though.

There’s a knock at the door

The butler goes and answers the door.

“Sir, there’s a man at the door with a mustache.”

“I’m not interested, tell him I’ve already got one!”

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2 fleas meet in the city...

One of them is coughing hard and seems to be really sick.
The other one asks: "what the F happened to you?"
The other replies: "I did something stupid. I crawled into the mustache of a biker. Shit got cold quickly and now I'm stuck with the flu."

"Man that sucks, but I know something...

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Zhokov's Response

-- Zhukov angrily exits Stalin's office. In the corridor, he swears:

Z: What a fucking cunt with a mustache!

-- NKVD's officer guarding the door noticed that and said:

NKVD: What did you say, comrade?

-- Zhukov said he had said nothing.

NKVD: Well, let's go back to...

If you have a beard and wear robes, you're a Wizard. If you have a goatee and wear robes, you're a Sorcerer...

...and if you have a mustache and wear robes, you're not allowed near public schools.

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My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

Came to work today with

drawn mustache...women with drawn brows called me an idiot.

Women are like the police

Once they've settled on a partner they eat a lot of donuts and then grow a mustache

Pithy saying from my Dad....

When asked about growing a beard or mustache, his comment was...

"Why cultivate around your mouth what grows wild around your ass"

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My buddy was dating twins...

I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."

I applied for a job but my resume stinks...

...so I asked a friend to help me out by pretending to be extremely unqualified so that I would seem like the better candidate. Everyday he walked into the office and applied for the same job under a different name and in a different costume each time. On the first day he went as himself, on the sec...

A true story.

Two little fleas... They meet at a bar in Florida. They vacation together all the time. One year, the second little flea arrives, and he's freezing, freezing cold. And he says, "Ooh, ooh, I was just zooming down from Jersey in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle, and I am frozen!" And the first...

An Eskimo goes to the mechanic

the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." and the Eskimo says "No, that's just frost on my mustache."

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In Soviet Russia...

A man is arrested by the political police and brought before Josef Stalin.

Stalin: Why was this man arrested?

Officer: He was shouting "Death to that mustache-wearing bastard!" in the street, Comrade Premier!

Stalin (to prisoner): And who were you referring to?

Prisoner: ...

Why gypsies boys let their mustache to grow?

To look more like their mom.

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A cowboy walks into a saloon

Its empty but for the barkeep.

"Where is everyone?" cowboy asked

"They ran. Hiding. The black rider is coming" said the old man

"Why are they afraid of the black rider, whos he" puzzled cowboy asked

"He will kill any men, women and some say even children that he sees on...

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Desert Island

A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island. After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford. They build a le...

A communist walks into a bar

He orders nothing, and instead just sits down at the bar and begins reading a newspaper.

“What’ll it be?” Asked the bartender.

“Nothing.” Replied the communist, his face concealed behind the newspaper.

“You don’t want anything?” Said the bartender.

“No!” Replied the com...

Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas. Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache,...

I don't understand why I don't get a date!

-I don't understand why I don't get a date!

-Did you try without your mustache?

-No.

-Maybe you should Jennifer... maybe you should.

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he is shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, “Why are shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea says, “That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where ...

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A blonde shows up to a bar where two of her lovers are drinking together and telling sex stories.

The guys think they're dating different chicks and don't see her come in. She sneaks over to a table by the jukebox and listens in.

"It was straight up the most enthusiastic BJ ever," the first guy says. "It was like she was trying to break the bob a knob speed record. And she literally had n...

Two lice meet after many years and discuss about their lives.

The first one looks very healthy, while the other one is very sick.

"You look terrible", says the first one. "Why is that?".

"Well, I live in the mustache of a Harley Davidson motorcyclist, who rides all the time and the cold wind makes me get sick. How about you? You look so healthy"....

Two fleas meet in a bar

-"Hi, how it's going!"

-"Not so good. I'm living in a biker's mustache and it's so windy and cold, I hate that place!"

-"Oh, that's bad. Here's what you do. Bikers always have girlfriends. Whenever a girl gets close, you jump into her cleavage and go south. Down there you'll find a ni...

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Steve and Natalia

Steve and world famous super model Natalia are stranded on an uninhabited island after the sinking of their cruise ship. After securing their survival they eventually start having sex and Steve is ecstatic. After about three weeks he gets antsy and asks Natalia, if she could put on one of his shirts...

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Stalin and his general

Stalin's most trusted general has just finished giving Stalin his latest report on the Soviet defenses against the invading German troops. As the general exits Stalin's quarters, he mutters, "Hideous mustache! It reflects the iniquity within!!"

Unfortunately for him, he is overheard by Stalin...

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Tom Hanks walks into WB studios

Tom Hanks walks into the WB studios and enters one of the many conference rooms.
As he sits down for the read -through, he notices his fellow peers sitting at the table Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill's mustache, Gal Gadot and a couple of other people he was he was only vaguely familiar with. He picks...

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A flea is sitting on a bench in Florida...

and he looks miserable. He has the sniffles, he's sneezing and has the chills. He has a blanket wrapped around him for warmth.
Just then a friend of his walks by and notices him sitting there all sick and dejected. The friend sits next to him.
"Liam! What's wrong? You look absolutely awful."<...

A courteous pick-up line

Guy's in a bar waiting to pick-up an evening's entertainment when this reasonably hot lady sits on the stool next to him.

He doesn't say anything to her, and after about 20 minutes, she says to him ... "OK - I've got to ask you a question".

He says, "Sure - what?"

She says: "Dur...

A true story about the time I got caught speeding

This is the story of the time I was pulled over for doing almost 70 in a construction area, where the speed limit had been reduced to 55.

So I pulled over right away because I'm white and a man with a mustache that only a cop would grow, swung a leg dramatically over his motorcycle and walke...

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The Immortal Bard

*This is not my joke, it is actually a short story written by Isaac Asimov, but it is written like a joke. One that I found quite humorous. Hope it belongs here.*

"Oh, yes," said Dr. Phineas Welch, "I can bring back the spirits of the illustrious dead."

He was a little drunk, or maybe ...

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Freddy the Flea

Freddy The Flea

Freddy the Flea is laying out in the sun in Miami Beach, putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms, and on his little flea legs, when he notices his buddy Oscar stumbling down the beach.

Oscar is a mess, he’s shivering, disheveled, and looks like 9 miles of bad ro...

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Two fleas in a bar

So, there's a flea bar in Florida, and every year there's two fleas that meet there to enjoy the summer together. Flea A is sitting in the bar, enjoying his drink, when Flea B walks through the door. And Flea B is fucking frozen. Iced up, shivering, shaking, and not looking so good.

Flea A...

The tale of two gnats

So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does.

"Well," says the beat up gnat, "My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker's mustache, and if holding on while he's r...

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Twins

One day a man named Joe gets a phone call from his pal Rick.

As soon as Joe answers the phone, Rick says,

"Hey man! I just had a threesome with two twins!"

Joe responds,

"Well no shit, how was it!"

"Well she was great, but the brothers mustache kinda tickled."

Two fleas go to California for vacation

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea a...

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Would you like to dance? This is one of my favorite jokes. Hope y'all like it.

200 years ago, a boy's eye got poked out by a thorny branch. His father was a famous wood worker and decided to make the best thing he'd ever made! A wooden eye for his son.

The wooden eye looked pretty good-- most people couldn't tell it wasn't real. But still, the boy had low confidence bec...

Accidentally told a joke at work today

Lost a bet and had to grow a mustache.

Co-worker: "Hey booskadoo247, how do you like your mustache?"

booskado247: "It's growing on me."

Accidental Comedian strikes again!

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Luig' and the hairy woman NSFW

(Told to me in a very poor Italian accent.)

An Italian man is talking to his friend Luig'.

Italian man: "Luig', you like'a the women with the hairy arms?"

Luig': "No."

Italian man: "Luig', you like'a the women with the mustache?"

Luig': "No."

Italian man: "...

An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...

and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.


"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"

The archaeologis...

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An old mechanic friend helps a drunk. (Kinda long, sorry.)

I was talking to this grizzled old mechanic friend one time, he looked like an old version of Yosemite Sam. Had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sounded like an old cowboy, his big ol' handlebar mustache wiggling and twitching with every word. Suddenly he starts telling this story about how he ...

My friend has been hiding something.

I was cleaning my friend's room for him the other day and moved a pile of clothes off of the floor and into the hamper. To my surprise, when I lifted them, I found a perfectly gelled, expertly trimmed mustache on the ground, I saw him the next day and confronted him about my discovery. ''You got me....

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A guy gets stranded on a deserted island with a supermodel...

After about two weeks, they give in to their desires and start having sex. After about three weeks of this, the guy says to the model, "Would you do me a favor?" "Sure she says." "First, put my clothes on," he says. "Next, would you draw a beard and mustache on your face with this piece of coal I fo...

Stranded on an Island

There once was a young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every las...

Saint Peter isn't feeling too hot.

He's been sick for ages, and the line at the Pearly Gates stretches out as far as the eye can see. One day, Jesus comes by and asks him how he's doing. "Oh Jesus, I can't take it anymore, I mean, people die like every second, and I'm working by myself and doing all the paperwork, and I haven't had ...

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Little Johnny is playing ball

the balls gets stuck in the tree, Johnny seeks the help of his pregnant neighbor. while the neighbor is climbing up the ladder to fetch the ball, Johnny says Miss Susan, I know you are carrying a boy. "How do you know ?" asks miss Susan. I can see his mustache, says Little Johnny

A Tale of Two Fleas

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wra...

A flea walks down the beach...

..he see's another flea laying in the sand; frozen and shivering.
"Oh buddy," he said. "What happened?"

"Ww-wWell I wW-Wwas riding in somMMe guy's mustache, and he r-r-rode a moMotorcycle all the way to the beach. I'm frFReezing!."

The other flea took pity on him and gave him some ...

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