Scissor Jokes

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

Rock has begun to roll, but paper and scissors remain stationery.

All three of them were very interested in politics. In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States.

Ralph Rock worked very hard to build relationships with the community and gain the trust of the people. Pete Paper used the press to attack his ... read more

And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

They only gave hand jobs

They are always cutting corners.

It's said to be cutting edge technology

The last 2 words in that sentence were unnecessary.

Mine just aren’t cutting it

But it was pointless.

Well, when two ladies love each other very much .....

\- "Hey, where are you running with those scissors?" asks policeman.

\- "To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread"

He didn't make the cut.

Turns out rock just couldn't cut it

Now that I’m older, I realize there’s one worse thing: scissoring with the runs

Their invention was nothing but shear genius.

Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

“Because budget cuts, paper”

Not me, I can't apply to either of those anymore.

Rock. He was Boulder.

It was a rip-off.

Mixed nuts.

The old ones just weren’t cutting it.

Because they don’t have papers.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

Absolutely cutting-edge technology.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around... read more

I was playing it with my deaf cousin, but then he started showing some new signs and I didn't know how to counter them.

I'd be making money hand over fist.

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor... read more

You could literally cut ties whit all your coworkers.

But they need to cut it out.

But I bet you it sounds like an arm pit farting contest

Because they hate Clippers.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro... read more

"What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock.

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.

Scissors asks, "What happened?".

Rocks replies, "I think he folded".

Gun beats everything.

Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."

What’s the point.

I’m Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Sorry.

I just didn't make the cut.

It was shear barberism.

The knife just wasn't cutting it.

He chose the ladder.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

Put her in front of a mirror and tell her to play rock, paper, scissors until she wins.

I already said you can't convince me by beating me at rock paper scissors!

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

Desperate to get back out and perhaps lead semi-regular lives, the two cellmates try to brainstorm for an escape plan. A mere hour and a half later, one of the men comes up with a plan: steal some children's craft scissors, smuggle them back to the cell, cut through the floor, and cut out a tunnel b... read more

Scissors..... Because you can't run away!

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her poi... read more

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Scene: I’m making coffee and using scissors to open a new bag of coffee:

Me: These scissors are blunt, we need new ones.

Her: Well they work fine on paper.

Me: *facepalm*



The student surpasses the master. I’m not even mad.

Nail scissors.