UPJOKE
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Seriously Jokes

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

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My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating

But I managed to pull it off.

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OPEN LETTER TO QATAR: you’re seriously banning homosexuality at your World Cup?

Come on guys…

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A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff.

Trying to get up the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to  kill yourself  anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"  
The woman said  "Hell no! Get  away from me  you sicko!"  
The bum turned to leave  and muttered,  "Fine,  I'll just go  wait at the botto...

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

I should really take the Violin more seriously.

Right now it's just something I fiddle with.

If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Seriously

The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is fish and chips, and even that I take with a pinch of salt

To everybody that takes black jokes so seriously...

Maybe you should lighten up a little.

I really wish people would start taking Covid more seriously...

I don't wanna have to learn the entire Greek alphabet.

People are taking "Stay at home" quite seriously

My dad who went out to buy cigarettes 20 years ago, just came back home.

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Seriously though, why can't you put the punchline in the title?

What do you say to piss off a redditor?

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

No one used to take bitcoin seriously

It was a laughing stock

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I'm glad everyone is taking Covi-19 seriously.

Just saw a bum vaccinating himself under a bridge.

Doctors seriously need to stop telling me I have Dementia

Dude I don’t remember asking

This sub is seriously falling apart

I knew I should’ve gone to Subway

I take my puns VERY seriously

(no fun intended)

I'm appalled and really can't believe all the tasteless jokes about the Titanic submarine.

Seriously, how can people sink so low?

It's nice to see the homeless take covid seriously.

I saw one getting vaxed under the overpass three times this week.

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

Never take a person from Iran seriously!

You never know when they're being Iranic.

Ladies. Seriously.

When a man is with you in the shower and soaping your back sensually, you say "Thanks".

Not "who are you and what are you doing in my shower?"

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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

Hi all, we're looking for somebody seriously interested in a threesome

We are a man looking for two women.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

Oh no! Someone got seriously injured at the Nintendo headquarters! Call an ambulance!

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the pro...

Some people don't take spelling seriously...

... but a 'd' is the only difference between being a lady and a laddy.

I took my first attempt at stand up very seriously.

It was no laughing matter.

Job taken seriously

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the ...

I'm sick and tired of this "everybody wins" mentality kids have these days.

Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.

My wife said I should stop making stupid puns and take her abortion more seriously.



I won't let this d-fetus.

When I introduce myself, no one takes me seriously.

I don't understand why. The only thing I say is, "Hi, I'm Joe King."

Nothing says, "I don't take you seriously"...

...like your dog wagging it's tail while you scold it.

What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.

Seriously, she has Multiple Personality Disorder?

Yeah, crazy right. Sharon is Karen.

My friend didn't take one of his power tools seriously.

Luckily it was just a drill.

A friend of a new father asks him "Seriously, you named your son Bugatti? Are you stupid?"

The father responds "I may be stupid, but at least I have a Bugatti!"

I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous

For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?

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I seriously hate cat calling

The fucking cat never comes home when I call.

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

My roofer friend takes his job very seriously

He always goes over the top to get the job done

Why does John Cena take COVID19 seriously?

Because he doesn't want to go to the ICU.

How to take a hurricane seriously

If the US wants to take hurricanes seriously they need to give them Muslim names. We got Irma and people don't care. But when the weatherman starts saying Abdullah is coming at Florida as a category 5, the whole country would evacuate.

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Last night I seriously felt shit.

My toilet paper ripped mid wipe.

India is taking social distancing seriously

Citizens without masks were seen getting hard whacks on the behind by policeman with batons as punishment.

When asked if the punishment was too severe, one constable responded, "Not at all. I'm just flattening the curve".

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I walked in on my sister last night masturbating with a carrot.

I shouted, "Fuck, seriously?! I was going to eat that later, but now it will just taste like carrots!"

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

I'm seriously considering asking my ex-wife to remarry me...

But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has taken mask wearing very seriously

She even makes me wear it during sex

Seriously, I think the only difference between us is that you're an adult.

I kid you not.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

I am seriously considering reversing my circumcision.

Anybody have any tips?

Don't take life so seriously,

You won't make it out alive.

I seriously hate Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves.

When my Grandad fell seriously ill we covered his back in lard.

He went downhill rapidly after that.

I got seriously rear-ended in traffic yesterday

Thank god i wasnt in my car

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A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

Don't take children seriously

They are always kidding

Its really hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously.

It's like watching 2 tarantulas scream for attention.

My wife is mad at me because I lost £6,570 gambling. Seriously, honey! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year

Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me

Why did Charlie Brown take his pole dancing routine so seriously?

He was tired of doing comic strips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, "I've outgrown this bullshit." He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police...

I got seriously drunk tonight and took a taxi home.

Who knows where I got it or how I'm going to return it.

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

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Guys.. Seriously Jew jokes aren't funny.

Anne Frankly They're childish and offensive

Directors are seriously the worst

....they always have to make a scene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't die a virgin.

Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you.

Comedians have decided to take covid 19 more seriously

From now on they’ll only be telling inside jokes

The UK is really taking the Paris Climate Agreement seriously.

Yesterday they voted to become Corbyn-neutral by 2020.

Seriously guys, every 'yo momma' joke has already been done thousands of times by thousands of people..

just like yo momma!

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*
<...

Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...

I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"What's that constellation right there?" "Wait, you seriously don't know?"

Bitch, Pleiades.

WIFE: if you quote Ace Ventura one more time, I'm seriously going to leave you

ME: alllllllllrighty then

Hollywood is really taking climate change seriously

Vin Diesel even changed his name to Vin Solar

Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.

I knew a guy with a lisp I didn’t take seriously. But when he said binith

I knew he meant business

I can't take taekwondo seriously..

I just do it for kicks.

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