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Grave Jokes

When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.

He was decomposing.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

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My donkey died the other day, so I dug it a grave.

It was an asshole.

A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the funeral

A man walks up and asks the woman “may I say a word” the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says “you may” the man looks down at the grave and says “abundant” the woman smiles at him and says “thanks, that means a lot”

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

Putin asks Zelenskyi: 'When I'm dead, I bet you will come to urinate on my grave?"

Zelenskyi: "Nah. Never been fond of waiting in line."

Most people call it grave robbing...

I prefer to call it crypto-currency

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.

The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.

Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”<...

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There's some beautiful flowers growing on my mother-in-law's grave.

Hardly surprising though, I've been going up twice a week to shit on it.

I wonder who's buried in the grave

of the guy who invented the ol' switcheroo

Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning.

Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

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A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. "Morning!" he calls out.

"No, just having a shit!"

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The zoo’s female gorilla was going crazy, and the vet on staff had a grave prognosis. “She’s in her mating season, and after a lifetime of captivity, if she doesn’t mate, she’ll die.”

The zoo administrator was in a bind. There was just no money to transport in a male gorilla for mating to take place. So he decided humans where close enough to gorillas. Someone would have to fuck the gorilla.

After going through all options, offering as much money as the zoo could afford, ...

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"

"I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

What does Beethoven do in his grave?

He decomposes

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A rich man died and left $2 million each to a rabbi, a priest, and an imam

He stipulated in his will that half the money must be buried with him in the grave.

At his funeral, the priest gets up, gives a short speech, and tosses $1 million into the grave.

The imam gets up, says a few words, and drops $1 million into the open grave.

Finally, the rabbi ge...

Gravely funny

Why do they have fences around cemeteries?

Because everyone is dying to get in.

A guy visiting a cemetery notices a woman hunched down behind a grave.

"Morning", he says respectfully.

"I'm not," she replies, "I'm just having a pee."

Beethoven’s grave

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to...

Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today

1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.





\[Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle\]

A classical music fan is visiting Germany and decides to visit Bach's grave in Leipzig

When he gets there, he hears some faint music. He listens closely and he soon realizes that its coming from Bach's grave! He is spooked, but bewildered and keeps listening as it sounds familiar but unrecognizable. After a couple minutes, he realizes it is Bach's Sonata in G minor playing backward...

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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

Two grave robbers walk into a bar

They go to a corner and start playing poker together.

An hour later the first grave robber goes up to the bartender. The bartender asks, “what happened? You look upset.”
The grave robber replies, “i just lost an arm and a leg!”

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Keeping promises to the grave.

Husband and wife are talking.

H: "Tell me the truth, honey: did you ever cheat me?"

W: "Oh, sweetheart, don't say such things"

H: "I mean it, Jennifer. If you would ever cheat on me, I would turn in my grave"

W: "I swear I never did and never will, my love. I would never ...

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For ...

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I visited my dear granddad's grave over the weekend

As I was standing at his grave, I noticed a guy crouched behind a gravestone a few graves over, reading a newspaper.

"Morning" I said as I nodded to him respectfully.

He replied "Nah, I'm not mourning, I'm taking a shit, but thanks anyway"

Police were called to the scene of a suspected mass grave of snowmen

upon further investigation, it was determined to be a carrot patch

As we were leaving the cemetery we saw a man kneeling at a grave site.

He was crying and saying "Why did you have to die?" over and over. We decided to see if we could help out in some way, so I asked him if this was the grave of a close friend or of a family member?

He said "Neither, it's my wife's first husband."

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Putin: How much of the Russian population want to kill me?

His advisor: About half.

Putin: Only half? That's a relief. The other half support me, then?

His advisor: The other half want to live long enough to piss on your grave.

Have you heard of grave robbers?

Apparently the catholic Church didn't get that message

Whats the difference between an archeologist and a grave robber ?

Nationality

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

A man is standing in front of a grave

Clutching his hands together, he was crying "Oh why did you die? Oh why did you die?!"

A compassionate man passing by said
"Who was that, your wife?"

The man said "No, my wife's first husband."

When I die, I want my group project members to lower me into my grave.

That way they can let me down one last time.

Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave...

and not

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An elderly lady visits her late husband’s grave

An elderly lady visits her late husband’s grave. As she approaches the grave, she takes a cigarette out of her purse, and puts it on the gravestone. She says: “I’ve come to visit you, and brought a cigarette for you!” “I also have your favorite brand of tobacco with me.” She says, as she takes tobac...

What is a communist grave called?

A maosoleum

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..' Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.. To...

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Grave side discussion.

A man goes into his back yard to relax and enjoy some sun. As he is about to sit down he hears some crying coming from the other side of the fence. He goes and looks over, seeing the neighbors little girl crying as she finishes shoveling the last bit of dirt into a hole.

‘Sorry, but I heard ...

A tourist goes to see Beethoven's grave in Austria

And, to his shock, he sees the great musician seated next to his grave, erasing pieces of paper with his symphonies written on them.

The tour guide leans over to his visibly startled guest and says, "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He's decomposing."

An odd joke

Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never l...

What does Mozart do in his grave?

Decompose

I went to visit the wife's grave today...

She still thinks it's going to be a fishpond.

Beethoven was exhumed after strange sounds were heard coming from his grave.

They opened the coffin and saw him furiously erasing his works.

He was decomposing.

I saw a grave sweeper at the cemetery and asked him if the place was haunted.

He said no, he hadn't seen a ghost in over 200 years.

(Corny)-Why did the grave keeper build a fence around the grave yard?

Cuz everyone was dying to get in.

why Elon musk is A true Edison of our time ?

Because He found a way to milk Nicolai after he has been long in the grave, too

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

A surgeon told me I was in grave need of a brain transplant.

I refused, telling her she wouldn’t change my mind.

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

If Arnold Schwarzenegger's tombstone doesn't say "I'll be back..."

Someone has made a grave mistake.

Karl Marx's Grave

It's just a Communist plot

Two wives ho out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says

"No more girls' night out. My wife came back wit...

I was mowing my lawn and I found a shallow unmarked grave and I can’t stop laughing

I don’t know why I just found this humerus

A grave mistake....

I was walking home last night and decided to take a short cut through the local cemetery. 3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let then walk along with me. I told them "I understand - I used to get freaked out too when I was a...

What did Alan Rickman say when he stood over David Bowie's grave?

Do you mind if I Slytherin?

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no.

They're going to kill me anyway and I'd love to die the way I lived : avoiding manual labor.

It's not graverobbing! It's a system of mining grave yards to determine the validity of transactions.

It's a new way of thinking of money! I call it crypt-o-currency.

What do you call an Australian grave robber?

A down-under-taker

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What would you call a donkeys grave?

An asshole.

Dead people in graves are the most humble.

Because they're down to earth.

It's your grave. Have fun with it!

Before I die, I'll have 3 graves made for me.

Suppose you're walking in the graveyard, then this is what you'll see -

1st stone - Hey what's up?

You feel awkward and move to the next one that says -

2nd stone - Remember me? I'm the same guy from the last grave. The next...

I'm fully convinced that Stalin's grave...

...is just a Communist plot.

The Grave of the fireflies was such a good movie..

Can't wait more to watch the second part.

A grave encounter

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the r...

What's floating above a mass grave?

Team spirit

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

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Hitler’s Grave

An Muslim man was walking by a graveyard and saw a Jewish man spitting at a grave profusely. He couldn’t help but walk over and asked him why.

The Jewish man responded “This is Hitler’s grave. I’m spitting on it because he killed almost all of my people”. The Muslim man paused for a second, ...

What do you tell a grave robber when they're tired?

Dig deep.

My ex saw me yesterday and told me when I die she promises she'll dance on my grave

'Good' I said, 'I'm being buried at sea'

What's Better Than a Rose On a Grave?

Tulips On My Organ.

Grave robber

grave robber: oh no i dug up the wrong grave

me, rising from my coffin: you should have said you made a grave mistake

“Do you dig graves?”

“Yeah, they’re alright.”

I thought I found a mass grave of snowmen.

Until I realised it was a field of carrots.

What did the Velcro inventor’s grave say?

RIP

2 skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorcycle

Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone. The other asks: "What the hell do you need THAT for?"
And it answers: "Are you stupid? I can't just drive without my ID!"

[Long] Beethoven's Grave

When Beethoven died long ago, he was buried in a graveyard.

On a dark and cold night a few days after he died, the town drunk was walking through the yard. While walking, the drunk heard a strange noise coming from Beethoven's grave, and went to inspect. Upon arrival, the drunk heard music a...

While visiting Beethoven's grave, this Deaf person learned from the other Hearings that there is symphony playing backward from below the grave because Beethoven is..

De-composing.

My wife was angry with me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave!'

I had the car out in thirty seconds.

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How did Avicii complete an album from beyond the grave?

Ghost producing

Two Grave Robbers Found Where Beethoven Was Burried.

They dig for a while and finally get to his coffin.

They open it up, only to see him erasing all the music that was buried with him.

Terrified, one of the grave robbers screams!

The other one turns to him and says, "hey man, calm down! He's just decomposing."

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A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit

He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"
The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."
The instructor yelled back, "You're going to piss on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!...

Police baffed by grave robber

Local police were having a hard time catching a grave robber. He figured he would minimize his time in the graveyard by taking the whole corpse so he could take fillings out at his leisure. To hide the evidence he was adopting out the skeletons to worthy goths on Craig's List.

Turns out that ...

They dug up Mozart’s grave. When they opened the casket he was madly erasing his music...

Of course, he was de-composing.

The person who invented the USB drive is going to be lowered into his grave,

Then lifted back up, flipped over, and layed in again.

I heard a backwards symphony coming from Beethoven's grave

Turns out he's decomposing

I was lost walking through a cemetery when I came upon a grave that looked familiar. I put my flowers on it and went to walk away.

A nearby man called out “Hey! That’s my grandmothers grave! Your Grandma’s is a few over!”
Startled and embarrassed I answered back “Sorry! I’ve made a grave mistake!”

I visited the wife's grave early today...

A man walked by and said "Morning!"

I replied, "No, just walking the dog."

I found a mass grave today, full of dead snowmen...

"Dave!" shouted my wife. "Come away from the pond!"

I don't like Fornite and would love to dance on their grave

But I'm afraid they might steal it.

Two corpses are lying in a grave and one turns to the other and says,”Dude, why are you rotting?”

The other turns to him and says, “I decay.”

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