Remember to let your significant other drink lots of tea today!

It’s patriotic to put tea in the bae.

I hate it when people call their significant others their “Partner in Crime”

We get it she’s your sister

My friends always ask me what I got my significant other for Valentine's Day...

Each year I tell them I got myself a nice new pair of gloves.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

I wasn't afraid of heights until my significant other told me about her bungee jumping accident

I got the fright of my wife.

Why do tics from Italy make the best significant others?

They’re Romantics.

What does a seagull call their significant other?

Bagel

What does a girl with a fruit and daddy kink call her significant other?

Papaya

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

What is another name for a significant other you meet online?

e-Bae

Whats a great way to get closer with your significant other?

Mix epoxy resin with them. It’ll be a bonding experience.

What did the colour-changing lizard say to his significant other?

You're one in chameleon

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This food has been proven to drastically reduce or even eliminate sex drive in a significant percentage of women.

It's wedding cake.

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others

that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm....

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

Breaking up with your significant other is like bowling

You carry something heavy going into it, and if it goes as planned, you walk away with an X.

I assured to my significant other that size doesn't matter...

when she asked "does this dress make me look fat?" and now she's furious, help--

How do spiders find significant others?

They use a web-based dating service.

If you make fun of your significant other's love of Hunger Games are you....

Mockin'Bae

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What's the difference between a complimentary cocktail and a significant brain surgery?

One is a free bottle in front of me, and the other is a pre-frontal lobotomy

Every time my significant other asks me why people act weird when they hear we are high school sweethearts...

I tell her I have no idea. What... just because I'm her AP Bio teacher I'm supposed to know everything?

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

A woman died and got to heaven...

She suddenly appears in a big room full where the walls were covered in clocks, each one with a name on it.

She sees God and asks him "What are all of these clocks for?"

He answers "Each clock represents a member of your family. Every time he/she cheats on their significant other the h...

Three men die one day, and are admitted into heaven.

God approaches them and says, “this is the road to heaven. The class of the vehicle you drive to heaven is determined by how faithful you were to your significant other.” The first man says, “I was very faithful to my wife, I didn’t cheat on her once.” God said, “very good, take that Lamborghini int...

If you fail once, don’t give up...

Try two more times so that you failure is statistically significant.

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

If the human population held hands around the equator...

A significant portion of them would drown

Non-random

Q: What do statistical analysts search for on their ski vacation?

A: Significant slopes!!

Embrace you mistakes

My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship.


I suggested she should embrace her mistakes.


She then hugged me.

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Penis study

For whatever reason, Saudi Arabia decided to fund a study to find out why the penis had the shape it does. Specifically the larger head at the end. After a significant investment and several months, Saudi Arabia conclude that it was to enhance the mans pleasure.

Due to ongoing tensions, Canad...

What do you call a bulls wife?

His significant udder.

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A Redditor became a chemist

And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.




He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.




He followed up with a heavily alcoholic var...

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home tow...

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There once was a man who’s lucky number was 5.

John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. He lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school.

As he grew up, the number five cropped up in his life in weird and wonderful ways. He was five minutes late to eve...

I asked a Flat Earther to tell me what the volume of the Earth was but he couldn't give me a good answer.

There was a significant rounding error.

I am not fat...

I am just horizontally challenged ... or gravitationally significant.

After summer vacation classic

All the children inn school were asked to write on the chalkboard something significant that happened over the summer.
Anne gets up and writes the word puppies on the board, and says our dog had puppies this summer. Very nice says the teacher. George gets up and writes promotion on the board, ac...

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A woman is at a job interview

Interviewer: What do you consider your most significant fault?
Woman: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a fault.
Woman: I don’t give a fuck what you think.

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A CEO gathers his staff..

10 Male employees are present in the convention room. The CEO clears his throat and starts the meeting: *"Good afternoon gentlemen. As you know, I am leaving for my business meeting tomorrow and will be absent for 10 days."*

The employees are all nodding in agreement.

The CEO pauses ...

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How you treat the wait staff on a first date

Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.

So now when I'm on a first date, I have sex with the waitress.

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa

They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We ...

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A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane's about to crash.

The pilot says over the intercom "The plane is about to crash, but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up."

The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect.

The pilot then says "The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three ...

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A man with a very large penis goes to see a doctor.

"DOCTOR, MY PENIS IS TUGGING ON MY VOCAL CORDS WHICH IS MAKING MY VOICE SO DEEP AND LOUD. CAN YOU DO ANYTHING? PLEASE, I JUST WANT A NORMAL VOICE!"

The doctor quickly agrees that he will do something for the poor, unfortunate man with a enormous penis.

The man goes into surgery and the...

Why do cows huddle together when it rains?

To keep each udder dry


Courtesy of my significant other

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So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an air...

Did you hear about the trio who invented rounding?

Three significant figures

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A dictator takes over a village...

He says, "Everyone who is not in a relationship, you are free to go. As for everyone else, stay here." The people do what he says.

The dictator continues, "All the men, get in a line and get naked, all of the women, get a blindfold." The townspeople follow procedure.

The dictator then...

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A family is having dinner

"A family is at supper. The child asks the father, "Father, what number of sorts of boobs are there?" The father, astonished, answers, "Well, child, a lady experiences three stages. In her 20s, her bosoms resemble melons, round and firm. In her 40s, they resemble pears, still pleasant, hanging a bit...

3 CIA Agents are Asked to Take on an Important Mission

Three CIA agents are asked to take on an important mission. They need to know that these spies will do whatever they say. So they capture each spies significant other, tie them up and prepare three guns, loaded with blanks.

They bring the first spy in, give him a gun a tell him his wife is in...

TIL of an odd political problem in Colorado.

Cattle has long been the number one agricultural product of Colorado, but the recent legalization of marijuana is causing significant and unforeseen problems.

Apparently, cows love marijuana as much as people, and cattle ranches and nearby marijuana farms are on the brink of open warfare. Co...

My most established grimy joke, From my granddad around the pit fire

An old couple gets pulled over and...
Woman cop - "May I see you permit and enlistment sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old spouse - "She needs to see you permit and enlistment dear."
The old man hands it to the woman cop and...
Woman cop - "Gracious, I see you are from N...

My grandpa Lloyd was 5'5", and his brother Chris was 6'3". When they were growing up...

...and it became clear that they were going to have a significant difference in their heights, Lloyd asked Chris if he was doing anything special to become so tall.

Chris leaned in close and quietly said, "It sounds silly, but every night before I go to bed, I sneak into the pantry, take a ha...

I experimented with drugs...

...and I had a statistically significantly significant number of trials when I did.

Did you hear about the farmer who fell in love with his cows milk?

It was his significant udder

I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II

...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.

The strange man counting on the bridge

A man was walking on a bridge over the water, when he came across a strange man that was counting out loud, however he kept repeating the same number over and over again. "21, 21, 21, 21" he would say constantly and in the same monotone voice.

Interested The man walked up to the one counting...

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3 friends on a cruise

*I didn't come up with this joke, I just think it's funny*



John, George, and Jimmy are three old friends from college. They decide to enjoy a cruise because they haven't seen each other in a long time.

Each friend and their significant other board the cruise liner bound for th...

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A man, we'll call him Bob, walked into his doctor's office...

...and nervously approached the check-in desk.
"What brings you in today?" asked the receptionist.
Hesitantly, the man responded, "I have a green ring on my penis, and I don't know what it is."
"No problem," the woman replied. "Please have a seat, and we'll be with you shortly.
As B...

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The Talking Dog

One day, a man was going through personal ads and came across an ad for a supposed talking dog. When he sees this, he's immediately interested and decides he would check it out for fun. He contacts the person who posted the ad and is on his way in no time.

So he arrives to the owners house, ...

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