What do you call a Significant Other that lives in San Francisco?

A Bay-Bae

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

I wasn't afraid of heights until my significant other told me about her bungee jumping accident

I got the fright of my wife.

My friends always ask me what I got my significant other for Valentine's Day...

Each year I tell them I got myself a nice new pair of gloves.

Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

What does a girl with a fruit and daddy kink call her significant other?

Papaya

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

What is another name for a significant other you meet online?

e-Bae

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

Why do tics from Italy make the best significant others?

They’re Romantics.

Whats a great way to get closer with your significant other?

Mix epoxy resin with them. It’ll be a bonding experience.

What did the colour-changing lizard say to his significant other?

You're one in chameleon

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This food has been proven to drastically reduce or even eliminate sex drive in a significant percentage of women.

It's wedding cake.

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others

that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm....

Breaking up with your significant other is like bowling

You carry something heavy going into it, and if it goes as planned, you walk away with an X.

I assured to my significant other that size doesn't matter...

when she asked "does this dress make me look fat?" and now she's furious, help--

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What is the one food to never feed your significant other if you want more blowjobs?

Wedding cake

How do spiders find significant others?

They use a web-based dating service.

Every time my significant other asks me why people act weird when they hear we are high school sweethearts...

I tell her I have no idea. What... just because I'm her AP Bio teacher I'm supposed to know everything?

Three men die one day, and are admitted into heaven.

God approaches them and says, “this is the road to heaven. The class of the vehicle you drive to heaven is determined by how faithful you were to your significant other.” The first man says, “I was very faithful to my wife, I didn’t cheat on her once.” God said, “very good, take that Lamborghini int...

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What's the difference between a complimentary cocktail and a significant brain surgery?

One is a free bottle in front of me, and the other is a pre-frontal lobotomy

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

If you make fun of your significant other's love of Hunger Games are you....

Mockin'Bae

Non-random

Q: What do statistical analysts search for on their ski vacation?

A: Significant slopes!!

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Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

What do you call a bulls wife?

His significant udder.

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Penis study

For whatever reason, Saudi Arabia decided to fund a study to find out why the penis had the shape it does. Specifically the larger head at the end. After a significant investment and several months, Saudi Arabia conclude that it was to enhance the mans pleasure.

Due to ongoing tensions, Canad...

Ever heard of the Freeman effect?

The Freeman effect is evidence that a person may have experienced events from a different reality, wherein they recall memories of things or events that didn't exist or didn't happen. The name comes from the fact that when a significant percentage of people hear "Nelson Mandela", they actually think...

Embrace you mistakes

My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship.


I suggested she should embrace her mistakes.


She then hugged me.

A redditor became a chemist

And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well...

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home tow...

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There once was a man who’s lucky number was 5.

John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. He lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school.

As he grew up, the number five cropped up in his life in weird and wonderful ways. He was five minutes late to eve...

I asked a Flat Earther to tell me what the volume of the Earth was but he couldn't give me a good answer.

There was a significant rounding error.

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Friends

So I recently finished watching the show Friends. And I was at a party and was talking about it, when this woman came up to me and said "You know, it sounds like you watch a lot of Friends. But you really shouldn't."

So I asked her, "Why not?"

She said, "Well, because they constantly b...

I am not fat...

I am just horizontally challenged ... or gravitationally significant.

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A CEO gathers his staff..

10 Male employees are present in the convention room. The CEO clears his throat and starts the meeting: *"Good afternoon gentlemen. As you know, I am leaving for my business meeting tomorrow and will be absent for 10 days."*

The employees are all nodding in agreement.

The CEO pauses ...

After summer vacation classic

All the children inn school were asked to write on the chalkboard something significant that happened over the summer.
Anne gets up and writes the word puppies on the board, and says our dog had puppies this summer. Very nice says the teacher. George gets up and writes promotion on the board, ac...

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What a great gift - a Tazer

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary

submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for

a little something extra ...

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So a guy and his new girlfriend are messing around...

when she stops him in his tracks and says, "I don't think I'm ready for sex with you yet. We've only been going out for a couple of weeks."

Disappointed, the guy asks, "well, is there anything I can do to show you that I'm serious and want to take our relationship to the next level?"

S...

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How you treat the wait staff on a first date

Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.

So now when I'm on a first date, I have sex with the waitress.

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So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an air...

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A woman is at a job interview

Interviewer: What do you consider your most significant fault?
Woman: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a fault.
Woman: I don’t give a fuck what you think.

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa

They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist says, "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!"

The statistician explains, "It's not significant. We ...

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A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane's about to crash.

The pilot says over the intercom "The plane is about to crash, but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up."

The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect.

The pilot then says "The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three ...

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A man with a very large penis goes to see a doctor.

"DOCTOR, MY PENIS IS TUGGING ON MY VOCAL CORDS WHICH IS MAKING MY VOICE SO DEEP AND LOUD. CAN YOU DO ANYTHING? PLEASE, I JUST WANT A NORMAL VOICE!"

The doctor quickly agrees that he will do something for the poor, unfortunate man with a enormous penis.

The man goes into surgery and the...

Why do cows huddle together when it rains?

To keep each udder dry


Courtesy of my significant other

Did you hear about the trio who invented rounding?

Three significant figures

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A family is having dinner

"A family is at supper. The child asks the father, "Father, what number of sorts of boobs are there?" The father, astonished, answers, "Well, child, a lady experiences three stages. In her 20s, her bosoms resemble melons, round and firm. In her 40s, they resemble pears, still pleasant, hanging a bit...

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When Women Complain About Sex

**How To Please A Woman**

* Warm her up first. She's not a lawn mower that you can just turn on and off with the push of a lever.

* Touch her gently - she's a delicate flower.

* But not too gently - she wants a confident man, not a timid boy.

* Give her a masculine squeez...

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A dictator takes over a village...

He says, "Everyone who is not in a relationship, you are free to go. As for everyone else, stay here." The people do what he says.

The dictator continues, "All the men, get in a line and get naked, all of the women, get a blindfold." The townspeople follow procedure.

The dictator then...

3 CIA Agents are Asked to Take on an Important Mission

Three CIA agents are asked to take on an important mission. They need to know that these spies will do whatever they say. So they capture each spies significant other, tie them up and prepare three guns, loaded with blanks.

They bring the first spy in, give him a gun a tell him his wife is in...

TIL of an odd political problem in Colorado.

Cattle has long been the number one agricultural product of Colorado, but the recent legalization of marijuana is causing significant and unforeseen problems.

Apparently, cows love marijuana as much as people, and cattle ranches and nearby marijuana farms are on the brink of open warfare. Co...

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At the Pearly gates...

Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly....

If all humans held hands around the equator of Earth

A significant amount of then would probably drown.

I experimented with drugs...

...and I had a statistically significantly significant number of trials when I did.

My grandpa Lloyd was 5'5", and his brother Chris was 6'3". When they were growing up...

...and it became clear that they were going to have a significant difference in their heights, Lloyd asked Chris if he was doing anything special to become so tall.

Chris leaned in close and quietly said, "It sounds silly, but every night before I go to bed, I sneak into the pantry, take a ha...

Did you hear about the farmer who fell in love with his cows milk?

It was his significant udder

I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II

...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.

The strange man counting on the bridge

A man was walking on a bridge over the water, when he came across a strange man that was counting out loud, however he kept repeating the same number over and over again. "21, 21, 21, 21" he would say constantly and in the same monotone voice.

Interested The man walked up to the one counting...

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3 friends on a cruise

*I didn't come up with this joke, I just think it's funny*



John, George, and Jimmy are three old friends from college. They decide to enjoy a cruise because they haven't seen each other in a long time.

Each friend and their significant other board the cruise liner bound for th...

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From the Professor of my Human Sexuality Course

The scene opens in the common area of a retirement home. Two figures sit in the corner, with their backs to the main space.

An elderly man and women had been friendly for sometime towards one another, and had developed an open relationship. Both were long time widowers, who had struggled wit...

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A man, we'll call him Bob, walked into his doctor's office...

...and nervously approached the check-in desk.
"What brings you in today?" asked the receptionist.
Hesitantly, the man responded, "I have a green ring on my penis, and I don't know what it is."
"No problem," the woman replied. "Please have a seat, and we'll be with you shortly.
As B...

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The Talking Dog

One day, a man was going through personal ads and came across an ad for a supposed talking dog. When he sees this, he's immediately interested and decides he would check it out for fun. He contacts the person who posted the ad and is on his way in no time.

So he arrives to the owners house, ...

Pronounced 'Dead' on arrival ... oops!

The soon to be new parents known as Mr. & Mrs. D. were so excited, as they were just about to give birth to their brand new daughter, whom they'd already decided to name Dea D..

Just a few minutes later, a healthy baby girl popped out but was unfortunately pronounced 'Dead' on arrival by...