What's one thing a sniper cannot say to their significant other?

"I missed you this morning!"

The speed of light is significantly faster than the speed of sound..

..which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

What does a felon falling from an airplane and a significant other talking down to you have in common?

Condescending

A building inspector for an old European town found that all buildings built between 1584 and 1750 had significant structural flaws.

Otherwise, if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

My significant other purchased a map and handed me a dart and said “Throw this, and wherever it lands we’re taking a trip there after the pandemic ends.”

Turns out we’re spending 2 weeks behind the fridge.

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event.

Well, 97.8% of us are.

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

40% of Police are reported to have beaten their significant other...

The other 60% are single.

What's it called when you set your significant other on fire?

Flambae

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.

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Snoring significant other

You know the great thing about someone snoring like a chainsaw?

Chainsaws have a choke button

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What would your thoughts be if your significant other wanted to work in the adult industry?

I would like to see her try to make a living out of having sex two times a year.

Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga.

I like to stay on top of current affairs.

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates.

For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

What do ghosts call their significant others?

Their boo

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

There's nothing like cuddling up to your significant other.

Until they ruin it by saying stuff like, "Who are you? How did you get into my house? Get out before I call the cops!"

Two farmers <a geek joke>

Two farmers were chatting,

One says, “You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?”

“All depends,” said the other.

“On what”

“My pea value”

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

Remember to let your significant other drink lots of tea today!

It’s patriotic to put tea in the bae.

My friends always ask me what I got my significant other for Valentine's Day...

Each year I tell them I got myself a nice new pair of gloves.

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

I wasn't afraid of heights until my significant other told me about her bungee jumping accident

I got the fright of my wife.

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Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps your memory significantly.

I wish you all a Happy 2015.

What does a girl with a fruit and daddy kink call her significant other?

Papaya

Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others

that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm....

To become a MI6 agent, three candidates must face one final test...

The candidates, two men and a woman, are given a gun and told that their significant others are tied to a chair and that, one by one, they must enter and shoot them to pass the test.

The first man enters and after a few minutes, comes back out, tears streaming down his face, sobbing that he ...

What is another name for a significant other you meet online?

e-Bae

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This food has been proven to drastically reduce or even eliminate sex drive in a significant percentage of women.

It's wedding cake.

Once a mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, sealed a few screws and everything worked perfectly.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is a third of my monthly salary!", he yelled.

Well, all the sam...

Whats a great way to get closer with your significant other?

Mix epoxy resin with them. It’ll be a bonding experience.

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A man was released from prison after a 40-year sentence.

After he checked into his economy hotel, he called an escort service and told them he wanted 2 of their best girls. He immediately went down to the pharmacy and asked for a bottle of Viagra and the pharmacist told him to only take one pill. To the pharmacist's dismay, he immediately opened the bottl...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confu...

I performed a scientific study the other day...

I was surprised by the results. With an alpha value less than .05, it was the first time anything I've done is significant!

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

I assured to my significant other that size doesn't matter...

when she asked "does this dress make me look fat?" and now she's furious, help--

Every time my significant other asks me why people act weird when they hear we are high school sweethearts...

I tell her I have no idea. What... just because I'm her AP Bio teacher I'm supposed to know everything?

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

If you make fun of your significant other's love of Hunger Games are you....

Mockin'Bae

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What's the difference between a complimentary cocktail and a significant brain surgery?

One is a free bottle in front of me, and the other is a pre-frontal lobotomy

The smartest man in Belgium moves to the Netherlands

Both countries had a significant drop in their average IQs

New study shows that overweight women...

...live significantly longer than men who mention it.

I just removed a Wig, some Lipstick and two Chicken Fillets off my racecar...

You could say I significantly reduced the drag.

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A farmer had a donkey that will only eat part of its food.

It was very strong and fit, but whenever they were given food, they left a significant portion.

At one point, another farmer comes by and, seeing as how the donkey is big and strong, wants to buy it.

So the first farmer parts with his donkey.

The next day, the second farmer come...

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

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Never will you meet a man like Jeff.

Diana told Jeff she hated to be embarrassed. She broke up with every man she embarrassed herself in front of.

After eating at a resturaunt, Diana unexpectedly burped loudly. Before she could even turn red, Jeff burped so loud the dishes rattled.

While sitting in church, Diana farted. B...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

A Native American boy is talking to his father...

And he says “Father, the other children at school are teasing me about my name!”

Father: “Son, your name is very special. In our tribe we name our children after a significant event that occurred during conception.

For example, when your sister Falling Water was conceived a torrential ...

Lawyer’s

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “...

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

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Evolution of bowel issues

The evolution of communication about stomach issues with your significant other:

Dating: Sorry, I can’t go out. I don’t feel so well tonight.

Engaged: I need to stay home honey. My tummy hurts.

Newlyweds: Ohhh. I don’t think that food agreed with me. I’m not feeling so well. Ta...

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A Frenchman and an American are drinking on vacation and get into an argument over who is a better lover...

...so they agree to settle the debate with a contest: who can make love more times that night with their significant other.

The American and his girlfriend make their way back to their hotel room, he immediately proceeds to rip off his gf's clothes and have sex with her - and tallies a mark ...

This man is a genius

There’s a man on a search for a A very specific magic lamp this particular magic lamp grants the person who finds it three wishes like all other magic lamps but it will also grant the persons significant other the same wish times two. After years of searching he finally finds it. Genie appears and t...

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home tow...

Cheap pastor

A cheap pastor had a church with significant need of a paint job. The estimate calls for 100 gallons of white latex paint but he decided to buy only one 20 gallon can he knows latex paint can be thinned with water. So he diluted 1:1 and it still coats and looks white. So he dilutes again to stret...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

Why did the physics teacher only allow 3 VIPs to his party?

Because he only wanted 3 significant figures.

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A CEO gathers his staff..

10 Male employees are present in the convention room. The CEO clears his throat and starts the meeting: *"Good afternoon gentlemen. As you know, I am leaving for my business meeting tomorrow and will be absent for 10 days."*

The employees are all nodding in agreement.

The CEO pauses ...

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A penis enlargement drug made of duck beaks.

About half a year ago, Elon Musk and Bill Gates were taking a holiday together at an undisclosed location somewhere deep in the tropical rainforest. During their stay they encountered several tribes of natives. The members of those tribes all looked similar to each other, with one very noticeable ex...

Oedipus at social engagements:

Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Oedipus, this is my significant mother...

Three men die one day, and are admitted into heaven.

God approaches them and says, “this is the road to heaven. The class of the vehicle you drive to heaven is determined by how faithful you were to your significant other.” The first man says, “I was very faithful to my wife, I didn’t cheat on her once.” God said, “very good, take that Lamborghini int...

The county's road maintenance staff got a new trainee.

The trainee is tasked to paint the lines of a reconstructed highway before it is to be re-opened for public traffic.

- On Day 1 the trainee painted 5 miles.
- On Day 2 the trainee painted 2.6 miles.
- On Day 3 the trainee painted 0.9 miles.
- On Day 4 the trainee gets then question...

If the human population held hands around the equator...

A significant portion of them would drown

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Hard decisions

A small shop owner who has a store on the beach needs to hire some help.

The jobs will be seasonal because he closes in the winter months, so he decides to hire a couple of students. They'll need to go back to school anyhow.

After interviews he chooses a young man named Jack who will ...

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Penis study

For whatever reason, Saudi Arabia decided to fund a study to find out why the penis had the shape it does. Specifically the larger head at the end. After a significant investment and several months, Saudi Arabia conclude that it was to enhance the mans pleasure.

Due to ongoing tensions, Canad...

A woman died and got to heaven...

She suddenly appears in a big room full where the walls were covered in clocks, each one with a name on it.

She sees God and asks him "What are all of these clocks for?"

He answers "Each clock represents a member of your family. Every time he/she cheats on their significant other the h...

A man is concerned about his weight

He goes to the doctor and expresses his concern but after she has him step on the scales the doctor advises him that he is a healthy weight.
The man still appears troubled and asks her if there is a significant weight difference between men and women. The doctor replies that there is but for a...

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

If you fail once, don’t give up...

Try two more times so that you failure is statistically significant.

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So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an air...

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

Embrace you mistakes

My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship.


I suggested she should embrace her mistakes.


She then hugged me.

Non-random

Q: What do statistical analysts search for on their ski vacation?

A: Significant slopes!!

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There once was a man who’s lucky number was 5.

John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. He lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school.

As he grew up, the number five cropped up in his life in weird and wonderful ways. He was five minutes late to eve...

What do you call a bulls wife?

His significant udder.

I asked a Flat Earther to tell me what the volume of the Earth was but he couldn't give me a good answer.

There was a significant rounding error.

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A woman is at a job interview

Interviewer: What do you consider your most significant fault?
Woman: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a fault.
Woman: I don’t give a fuck what you think.

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How you treat the wait staff on a first date

Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.

So now when I'm on a first date, I have sex with the waitress.

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

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A man went to see a doctor about his stutter...

"Y-you gotta he-help me doc, I c-c-can't live li-like this an-any more!"

The doctor says, "not to worry, we'll do a full body examination and get to the bottom of this."

After the examination, he tells the man, "I've found the cause of the problem. You see, your penis is so large that ...

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A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane's about to crash.

The pilot says over the intercom "The plane is about to crash, but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up."

The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect.

The pilot then says "The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three ...

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Three young men were caught doing drugs and taken to court

The judge said to them "I should have you all punished severely, but I'd like to give you a chance. I'd like you to go out and convince other young people not to take drugs, but I'd like you to do it using this piece of paper."

He gave them each a small piece of paper with two circles on them...

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Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

I am not fat...

I am just horizontally challenged ... or gravitationally significant.

After summer vacation classic

All the children inn school were asked to write on the chalkboard something significant that happened over the summer.
Anne gets up and writes the word puppies on the board, and says our dog had puppies this summer. Very nice says the teacher. George gets up and writes promotion on the board, ac...

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