Significant Jokes - 105 Hilarious Significant Jokes

My Friend Told Me Twelve is a Significant Number.

I disagreed. I said it dozen't matter.

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PETA claims that their ads have significantly reduced animal abuse...

But seeing those nude models in billboards and magazines spread have only made me beat my monkey harder

If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time..

... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.

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Per a study, men’s average penis length has grown significantly over the past 50 years.

Yet another form of proof I don’t fit in with my generation.

Ever notice how Washington D.C. rarely has a significant snowfall compared to the surrounding areas?

It must have to do with all the hot air coming from the Capitol/Capital.

What's one thing a sniper cannot say to their significant other?

"I missed you this morning!"

I'm starting a service helping people break up with their significant others over dinner

I'm calling it FedEx

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

40% of Police are reported to have beaten their significant other...

The other 60% are single.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

What’s the one gift zoophiles can’t give their significant other of Valentines Day?

Chocolate

It's amazing to think that we're living through a significant historic event.

Well, 97.8% of us are.

I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others

that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Hmm....

Man approaches significant other and asks, "Hey babe, what are we mad about today?"

Significant other replies, "Can you not call me babe please?" Man asks, "What should I call you?" Significant other replies, "I don't know, my name?" Man asks, "Why don't you know your name?"

What do ghosts call their significant others?

Their boo

What's it called when you set your significant other on fire?

Flambae

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

The speed of light is significantly faster than the speed of sound..

..which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

There's nothing like cuddling up to your significant other.

Until they ruin it by saying stuff like, "Who are you? How did you get into my house? Get out before I call the cops!"

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The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

Remember to let your significant other drink lots of tea today!

It’s patriotic to put tea in the bae.

Recent studies have shown that first names have a significant impact on pregnancy rates.

For example someone called Mary is much more likely to get pregnant than someone called Tom.

Studies have found that if women sleep for 8 to 10 hours daily, there is a significant decrease in hypertension and diabetes…

In their husbands!

What does a felon falling from an airplane and a significant other talking down to you have in common?

Condescending

A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

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Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps your memory significantly.

I wish you all a Happy 2015.

What do you call a Significant Other that lives in San Francisco?

A Bay-Bae

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What would your thoughts be if your significant other wanted to work in the adult industry?

I would like to see her try to make a living out of having sex two times a year.

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

What does a girl with a fruit and daddy kink call her significant other?

Papaya

I assured to my significant other that size doesn't matter...

when she asked "does this dress make me look fat?" and now she's furious, help--

Whats a great way to get closer with your significant other?

Mix epoxy resin with them. It’ll be a bonding experience.

I wasn't afraid of heights until my significant other told me about her bungee jumping accident

I got the fright of my wife.

Sources report that after holding office for just two years, President Trump has already developed significant forehead wrinkles.

Talk about making national headlines!

My significant other purchased a map and handed me a dart and said “Throw this, and wherever it lands we’re taking a trip there after the pandemic ends.”

Turns out we’re spending 2 weeks behind the fridge.

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This food has been proven to drastically reduce or even eliminate sex drive in a significant percentage of women.

It's wedding cake.

My band and I had our first significant gig tonight, but afterwards I realized that it would have been way cooler with a fog machine...

It was a huge mist opportunity.

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What's the difference between a complimentary cocktail and a significant brain surgery?

One is a free bottle in front of me, and the other is a pre-frontal lobotomy

If you make fun of your significant other's love of Hunger Games are you....

Mockin'Bae

A fish, who recently broke up with his significant other, was lamenting to his friend about being single...

...The fish says, "Ugh, I thought she was the one. What am I going to do now?"

The other fish says, "Don't worry, as the old saying goes...There are plenty of people on land."

Every time my significant other asks me why people act weird when they hear we are high school sweethearts...

I tell her I have no idea. What... just because I'm her AP Bio teacher I'm supposed to know everything?

Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga.

I like to stay on top of current affairs.

My maths teacher is also a successful model...

That's what I call a significant figure.

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

Read This One In Playboy Decades Ago

You older pervs will have heard this one.

So a young couple were out driving late, and got caught in a snowstorm. Wouldn't you know it? The car stalls while they're out in the middle of nowhere, and has to pull over to the side of the road.

The man pops the hood, exits the car & pr...

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...

That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

What does a male otter call his wife?

My significant otter

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Rodeo fuck

Ever had a rodeo fuck? Get your significant other on her knees and enter her. Whisper in her ear, "You're not as tight as your sister." Now try and hang on for 8 seconds.

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

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NSFW - Sad and lonely fruit

What is the feeling people get when they are missing their significant other's boobs?

Melon-choly.

Rob Thomas

Rob Thomas's significant other complains about needing to do something new with their kitchen counters. He responds with "Let's go to Lowe's. I wanna take you for granite."

Ayy girl, are you a gas station?

Because your prices went up significantly within the last few months

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

New study shows that overweight women...

...live significantly longer than men who mention it.

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home tow...

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

Legal ramifications of roaming livestock

An issue/nuisance some farmers encounter is roaming livestock. For example, a farmer could lose some money if his neighbor’s livestock graze on his land and eat or trample on his crops. In the US, many states have enacted laws to address this issue, deferring the scheme to individual counties.
...

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Bicycles are bad for national economy

Oh Yes Mr. Reader, Bicycles are bad for national economy, even if its sounds ridiculous but it is always true that: -

Cycling is a danger to the country

Now reasons:

• He doesn't buy cars

• He doesn't take loans

• He does not insure the car

• He doesn't b...

The smartest man in Belgium moves to the Netherlands

Both countries had a significant drop in their average IQs

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

After summer vacation classic

All the children inn school were asked to write on the chalkboard something significant that happened over the summer.
Anne gets up and writes the word puppies on the board, and says our dog had puppies this summer. Very nice says the teacher. George gets up and writes promotion on the board, ac...

There was once a doctor renowned for her temper

She was becoming so angry at work that she decided to retrain as a lawyer, to be able to release some of her stress by shouting in a courtroom. Out of a sense of loyalty she would regularly represent some of the people she used to treat when they had cases brought against them. Word got out about he...

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

Two farmers <a geek joke>

Two farmers were chatting,

One says, “You reckon the profit on your crops this year will be significant?”

“All depends,” said the other.

“On what”

“My pea value”

I performed a scientific study the other day...

I was surprised by the results. With an alpha value less than .05, it was the first time anything I've done is significant!

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A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane's about to crash.

The pilot says over the intercom "The plane is about to crash, but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up."

The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect.

The pilot then says "The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three ...

Why did the physics teacher only allow 3 VIPs to his party?

Because he only wanted 3 significant figures.

If the human population held hands around the equator...

A significant portion of them would drown

3 guys camping in the woods

There were 3 guys camping in the woods.

They were talking, andeventually they end up talking about their significant others back home.

The first guy said his girlfriend is happy with him because she always tells him he's hung like a bull.

The second guy laughed and said that's n...

Oedipus at social engagements:

Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Oedipus, this is my significant mother...

A minister is giving a sermon on marital relations and happiness in marriage.

He states that those who have the happiest marriages have very regular conjugal relations. To prove his point he asks those who have such relations several times a week to stand. As they do he sees a smiling group of people. Then he asks who have conjugal relations several times a month and those...

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How you treat the wait staff on a first date

Someone once told me that the way someone treats the wait staff on a first date is how they'll treat their significant other in six months.

So now when I'm on a first date, I have sex with the waitress.

I asked a Flat Earther to tell me what the volume of the Earth was but he couldn't give me a good answer.

There was a significant rounding error.

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A woman is at a job interview

Interviewer: What do you consider your most significant fault?
Woman: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a fault.
Woman: I don’t give a fuck what you think.

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A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
Sex@COVID online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

What does a cow call his life partner?

Their Significant Udder

If you fail once, don’t give up...

Try two more times so that you failure is statistically significant.

I just removed a Wig, some Lipstick and two Chicken Fillets off my racecar...

You could say I significantly reduced the drag.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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A man goes duck hunting at a local pond, he feels the need to relieve himself...

so he leans his shotgun up against a tree and starts to take a whiz, when suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along, and knocks the gun over. The weapon goes off and shoots birdshot into the man's penis.

Later, at the hospital, the doctor gives him the news: "I'm afraid your penis sustained...

Embrace you mistakes

My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship.

I suggested she should embrace her mistakes.

She then hugged me.

I am not fat...

I am just horizontally challenged ... or gravitationally significant.

Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...

This man is a genius

There’s a man on a search for a A very specific magic lamp this particular magic lamp grants the person who finds it three wishes like all other magic lamps but it will also grant the persons significant other the same wish times two. After years of searching he finally finds it. Genie appears and t...

One professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one third of my monthly salary !" he yelled.

Well, a...

A Native American boy is talking to his father...

And he says “Father, the other children at school are teasing me about my name!”

Father: “Son, your name is very special. In our tribe we name our children after a significant event that occurred during conception.

For example, when your sister Falling Water was conceived a torrential ...

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Evolution of bowel issues

The evolution of communication about stomach issues with your significant other:

Dating: Sorry, I can’t go out. I don’t feel so well tonight.

Engaged: I need to stay home honey. My tummy hurts.

Newlyweds: Ohhh. I don’t think that food agreed with me. I’m not feeling so well. Ta...

Did you hear about the farmer who fell in love with his cows milk?

It was his significant udder

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

Why do cows huddle together when it rains?

To keep each udder dry

Courtesy of my significant other

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A man was released from prison after a 40-year sentence.

After he checked into his economy hotel, he called an escort service and told them he wanted 2 of their best girls. He immediately went down to the pharmacy and asked for a bottle of Viagra and the pharmacist told him to only take one pill. To the pharmacist's dismay, he immediately opened the bottl...

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A CEO gathers his staff..

10 Male employees are present in the convention room. The CEO clears his throat and starts the meeting: *"Good afternoon gentlemen. As you know, I am leaving for my business meeting tomorrow and will be absent for 10 days."*

The employees are all nodding in agreement.

The CEO pauses ...

Did you hear about the trio who invented rounding?

Three significant figures

Three men die one day, and are admitted into heaven.

God approaches them and says, “this is the road to heaven. The class of the vehicle you drive to heaven is determined by how faithful you were to your significant other.” The first man says, “I was very faithful to my wife, I didn’t cheat on her once.” God said, “very good, take that Lamborghini int...

Cheap pastor

A cheap pastor had a church with significant need of a paint job. The estimate calls for 100 gallons of white latex paint but he decided to buy only one 20 gallon can he knows latex paint can be thinned with water. So he diluted 1:1 and it still coats and looks white. So he dilutes again to stret...

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

A woman died and got to heaven...

She suddenly appears in a big room full where the walls were covered in clocks, each one with a name on it.

She sees God and asks him "What are all of these clocks for?"

He answers "Each clock represents a member of your family. Every time he/she cheats on their significant other the h...

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3 friends on a cruise

*I didn't come up with this joke, I just think it's funny*

John, George, and Jimmy are three old friends from college. They decide to enjoy a cruise because they haven't seen each other in a long time.

Each friend and their significant other board the cruise liner bound for th...

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Three guys are at the airport...

Three guys are at the airport, Bill, Peter, and Jack. Each one of them is there to send his boyfriend off on a flight to the neighbouring state. All three significant others board the flight, but as it is taking off it catches fire and smashes into the ground killing everybody on it. So after the fl...

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