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Critical Jokes

99 critical bugs in the code... 99 critical bugs. Track one down, patch it when found...

100 critical bugs in the code.

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

Sometimes parents are too critical.

Like this morning, when I woke up and walked into the kitchen. My dad took one look at me and said, "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"But dad, you've been dead for over a year. Yet here you are in the flesh."

"Then try looking like you've seen a zombie."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked


"Very critical," replied the officer


"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

Doctor: “Your wife’s in hospital.” Me: “How is she?” Doctor: “I’m afraid she’s critical.”

Me: “You’ll get used to that.”

What do you call a critical horse?

A nay-sayer.

Thought of this while delivering mail in the countryside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

"This is Mission Control speaking, it appears the center of ISS has been critically damaged, is that true?"

"Core wrecked".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.

The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.

How would you describe a ninja who is always critical about their own abilities?

Stealth-deprecating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

She tells me I'm unbelievably self-critical.

I really hate that part of myself.

My phone keeps changing critical words in important texts.

Autocorrect, you've made a powerful enema today.

My best friend just ate $10,000 worth of large bills and is in critical condition.

No change is expected

In a doctors office

Woman: “Doctor, how is he? Any news?”


Doctor: “Well the important thing is, he’s going to be fine.”


Woman: “Oh thank God!”


Doctor: “But, you must prepare yourself, the head trauma he sustained has had certain effects on his personality.


Woman: “Oh no!”
...

Chuck Norris was shot today

The bullet is in critical condition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend left me because I'm hyper critical about my penis...

I guess she can't take a joke

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

So apparently an Olympic downhill skier was injured so many times she donated a huge sum to the local hospital's critical care unit.

Of course they called it the Picabu ICU.

A child who is critically ill is taken under the Make-A-Wish foundation

Her first wish is to meet Captain America and Thor so Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth arrive at the hospital.

After a long meeting session, the two of them ask her what her next wish is.

"I want to meet Iron Man now"

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