Secret Police Jokes

The RGB

“My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Is only joke. Is actually secret police.

An Ex-Stasi

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, secret police officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".
... read more

“Help! Help! The Secret Police are after me. Can you cache a small Czech?”

Gazpacho

He says "I am under a lot of stress. I feel like I am being watched. I feel like there are cameras everywhere, my phone is bugged, someone is opening my mail, and I think I am even being followed by secret police"

The psychiatrist says ". . . . And?"

Where's Vladimir Putin it?

He holds up a sign that says "The President is an idiot".

Within 10 minutes the secret police comes to arrest him.

"But I'm not talking about President Putin!" he protests. "I'm talking about the American President."

"Nice try," says the secret police, "we know who the idiot is.... read more

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes

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Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"

A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."

Q: "What about the third?"

A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangero... read more

One day, while inspecting an army base, Stalin realises his pipe is missing. He calls his secret police to help him find it. When he goes home, he finds his pipe on his couch. He notifies the secret police.

"Comrade Nikolai, I have found my pipe already, stop all search operations for it."... read more

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness


The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"

The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make lov... read more

During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.

They were just beating, and beating and beating.

Confused, he asks the man what he's doing.

The man says "I'm protesting"

"How is anyone supposed to know what you're protesting with that blank sign?" Asks the tourist.

The man scoffs "Ignorant tourists! Why would I need to put that? Everyone already knows what's wrong!"
... read more

A guy walks into a hotel in soviet Russia and asks for a room. The receptionist tells him that they only place left is in a shared room with four beds, the bathroom is on corridor and the other 3 beds are already occupied. He accepts it, goes to his room and tries to fall asleep but the other 3 gues... read more

A man yelled in Red Square. He was arrested by the secret police and sentenced to 25 years. He was given five years for insulting the head of state, and 20 years for revealing classified information.

A banker went to Moscow, and he stayed in a hostel on Moscow's outskirts. Only available room has three other people in it - a group of friends. He had a very important meeting the next day, but his roommates were loud; drinking, playing cards and telling jokes about communism, Lenin, Stalin and USS... read more

One day, hear knock on door.

Man ask "Who is?"

"Is potato man. I come around to give free potato."

Man is very excite and opens door.

Is not potato man,

is secret police.

The incy wincy conrade
Was tugging at his chain
About rights of workers
He complain

The secret police
Am get order to restrain
And the incy wincy comrade was never seen again

4 Americans spys find themselves in a sleeper cabin on a train to Moscow. One of the men thought it would be funny to play a trick on the other three. He goes out to the tea cart and asks for 4 cups of tea to be delivered to his cabin in 10 minutes.

Returning to his cabin, he spoke to his bun... read more