Agents Jokes - 41 Hilarious Agents Jokes

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer.

"Inside this room you will find your wife sit...

How are bats like real-estate agents?

It’s all echo-location location location

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...

One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

What do you call agents who thwart money laundering schemes?

Detergents

The CIA is recruiting new agents.

Out of many who applied only three agents made it to the last test, where they have to show their loyalty and dedication to the CIA by killing their wife.

The first agent steps up to the room where his wife is, grabs the door handle, but he can’t make himself do it. He drops out of the test.<...

A CIA Agent, KGB spy and AISE operative were sent to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

The terrorists figured out the three were infiltrators and thus captured them.

The terrorists decided to torture the three infiltrators. They started with the CIA agent.

“Do not worry, for I have been trained in the United State’s most insidious enhanced interrogation techniques and h...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

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An American, Englishman and a Russian applied to be CIA agents.

They go through every single test and pass with flying colors. For their final test they are given a pistol and led inside a room with their wife tied to a chair and they have to kill her. The american goes into the room and comes out 5 minutes later.

-"I couldn't do it, I'm sorry." He says a...

The best KGB agents have tried to seduce me and failed

Should I shower?

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

An armed robber rushes into an estate agents and yelled....

"NOBODY MOVE"

how do you call undercover fashion agents who defected to another fashion magazine?

Vogue agents

Girlfriends are a lot like FBI agents

They won’t ask you a question that they already don’t know the answer to.

The world’s greatest supervillain has captured the three best spies, Secret Agents Alpha, Bravo, and Charlie.

As a form of evil execution she releases them into an arena with a pack of vicious wolves.

First, they chase after Secret Agent Alpha, and although he tries to run from them, he is caught and torn apart.

Then the wolves turn to Secret Agent Bravo, and she stands her ground to fight the...

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.

Love Dad.
\~\~\...

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

why do kgb agents work in groups of three?

one reads, another writes and the third keeps an eye on these 2 intellectuals

Why do KGB agents travel in groups of 3?

Because they need one to write, one to read and one to keep an eye on those two dangerous intelectuals.

What's an estate agents favourite hot beverage?

Proper tea

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Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

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One snowy day in Washington, Trump screams for the Secret Service agents on duty.

The agents rush in.

Trump says, "I looked out the window and saw that someone wrote 'Fuck Trump' with their piss in the snow. Get the crime lab down here immediately and test the urine. I want to know who did it!"

Next day, the lab report comes in" "Urine is Mitch McConnell's. Handwrit...

How many agents do you need to kill someone

Why are former Stasi agents the best taxi drivers in Berlin?

All you have to do is tell them your name. They already know where you live.

How do KGB agents commit suicide?

Two bullets to the back of the head.

What is it called when secret agents try BDSM?

James Bondage

What's a real estate agents favorite song?

For lease navidad

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A man bursts into a talent agents office and says

I have a great act for you, ‘I can sing out of my arse’
‘You can sing out if your arse’ exclaims the talent agent. ‘I have to see this!’
So the man climbs up on the agents desk, drops his pants and proceeds to drop a big turd, in the middle of the desk.
The talent agent is furious, ‘I thou...

Why are NSA agents great cab drivers?

Cause when you get in, they already know your name and address.

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.

The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I...

There was a group of US Border patrol agents...

There was a group of US Border patrol agents manning the border. After a couple months of catching people trying to enter the country, they started to notice something.

The Mexicans would always come in groups. Often it was four or five people, sometimes it would be just two. However, there...

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

when two German agents walk into the pub in London during WW2

, and one of them said to the waiter:

\- Two martini please.

The waiter:

\- Dry?

\- Nein! Zwei!

How many CIA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

They're not telling. They would prefer to keep you in the dark.

Just kidding. It's actually [█████████████████&#9...

How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

How can you tell which Russian olympic spectators are actually KGB agents?

The ones with food.

One of the Secret Service agents was tempted by the delicious muffin on the president's office desk, as he slowly reached out to take a bite, the other agent stopped him and said:

"Its FOR-BIDEN!"

Sarah, John and Dan are training to be FBI agents.

They eventually reach the final test in the FBI's training program.

The test was this: One person was given a gun and sent inside a room; the door shut behind them and that person's spouse would be tied to a chair inside the room. The person was then told to kill their spouse.

John goe...

What do baseball pitchers and TSA agents have in common?

Fireworks go off in the sky if they do their job incorrectly.

At the border controls between the US and Mexico two U.S. border agents discover a hanged suicide on a tree just before closing time.

"If we report this, we won't be home in four hours," says one.

"You know what?" says the other, "we'll just hang him over to the Mexicans and call it a day!" No sooner said than done.

A short time later, two Mexican border guards come by. One of them says in amazement, "Now he's hang...

Why do dentists make the worst TSA agents?

They're always trying to do a cavity search

A Mexican man applies for a job at the pentagon

A Mexican man, let's call him Carlos, applies for a job at the Pentagon. As part of the hiring process they send a couple of agents to talk to the man's friends, family and any associated to see if they can find anything that would show that he's not suitable for the job. When the agents go to talk ...

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