UPJOKE
tyrantdictatorshipauthoritarianautocratduvalierrulerpotentatedespotstrongmanregimemussolinimonarchreignautocraticlaw

Dictator Jokes

Overhead in a country ruled by a dictator

Citizen: What happened to freedom of speech in this country?

Dictator: Freedom of speech has always been guaranteed in this country. It is freedom after speech which we can’t guarantee

Two dictators are arguing about whose army is more obedient.

They walk to the edge of the cliff and call a soldier over. Putin commands his soldier to jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children."

Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier is about to jump when Putin grabs his ar...

Why is the North Korean dictator so evil?

Because he has no Seoul.

My wife is like a communist dictator...

She makes me pay for everything and do everything for her.

But I'm too scared to leave and I daren't say no to her, so I just keep my head down and politely respond to her demands with 'yes Stalin.'

Who was the strongest dictator?

Muscle-ini

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a German dictator with a really bad case of diarrhea?

Shitler.

The country of Ohms is run by a brutal dictator.

Due to the suppression of their rights, the citizens of Ohms frequently rise up and attempt to storm the gates of the capital city. However, the dictator always has just the right number of mercenaries to repel the rebels and cause the survivors to disperse for a few months or so.

The dictat...

Why did the dictator ban carousel rides in his country?

He deemed them revolutionary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

What do you call a funny dictator?

Lmao Zedong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are authoritarian rulers called dictators?

Because they are always men. Nobody has ever heard of a vagtator…

A funny insight by my wife yesterday.

What do you call Russia's dictator when he's mad?

Put-out.

There's a rumour that North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un is dead.

But personally, I think he's just Kim Jong Un-well

What do you call a military dictator killed by a stick of dynamite?

Napoleon Blown-aparte.

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

A group of dictators walk into a bar

and order everyone around.

What do you call a dictator who can't drive a manual transmission?

Stalin

Did you guys hear about the Soviet dictator who kept postponing events?

Yea, he was stalin' !

What's a dictator's favorite kind of tea?

Cruel tea.



Ba dum tiss.

A joke I rewrote to make it timely... What do you get if you cross a Russian dictator and a Russian oligarch?

Killed. You get killed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

What do we want? A Chinese dictator!

When do we want it? Mao!

What’s a russian dictators favorite dessert?

Bread Putin

A dictator walks into a bar...

He orders everybody shots.

What's the fastest way to become the greatest Dictator in the world?

Fail art school.

when a dictator's son visit the ZOO

when the manager of a Zoo heard that the president (Dictator) and his son are coming for a visit

he went and called one of his worker and asked him to wear a Deer costume and sit in their place because all of them died and the dictator president's son love Deers.

when the president cam...

What did the citizen say to the dictator?

Please stop "stalin" and feed us.





seriously

The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin...

appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, “Why blue?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"What do cows like to do in their spare time?"

Go to the moovies.

So, what is their favourite genre?

Moosicals.

Also, who is their favourite Italian dictator?

Moosolini.

And what's their favourite food?

(After they inevitably say some "moo" pun, reply in your dryest, most serious voice)

... No, co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler was a dictator

But what they didn’t tell you was he had a potato penis

Why is it bad for your car’s health to let a communist dictator inside?

Because it will start Stalin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians...

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest piec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dictator takes over a village...

He says, "Everyone who is not in a relationship, you are free to go. As for everyone else, stay here." The people do what he says.

The dictator continues, "All the men, get in a line and get naked, all of the women, get a blindfold." The townspeople follow procedure.

The dictator then...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a dictator chose a musician to compose a piece of music.

The musician not wanting to displease the dictator accepted the offer.

One month after the day came. The orchestra shited in the name of music. The dictator got furious and gave him a death sentence. They gave him a spicy curry as his last wish. He sat on the electric chair. They electrocuted...

Did you hear about the chicken who became dictator.

It started with a coo.

What is every cats favourite Dictator?

Mao.

What is a dictators best magic trick?

They make people disappear.

What Italian dictator is either the strongest, or the fishiest?

Benito Muscle-ini or Benito Mussel-ini

How do dictators travel on the sea?

In dictatorships.

Do you know what a dictator is?

An evil tater tot.

Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?

He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.

What did the Italian Dictator say to those dang Allies?

Get off Mi-Lan!

Why are there no baby dictators?

They can't control their armies!

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator...

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator. It's oppressive, you can't get away from it, and I'm pretty sure we can blame the U.S. for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was a nazi dictator ship other than 1940s Germany?

The Bismarck

What's a cat's favorite dictator?

Mao

What Is a Dictator Dinosaur Called

Tyrant-O-Saurus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dictate...

A teacher asks the class, "Can anyone use the word 'dictate' in a sentence?" One kid responds, "Hitler was a mean dictator." The teacher says, "Very good, but we're not learning the word 'dictator,' just 'dictate'." Another student pipes up, "The secretary typed while the boss dictated!" The tea...

What Roman dictator suffered from Epilepsy?

Julius Seizure.

Can he tame the crazy dictator from the North?

The whole world is hoping for Kim Jong-Un.

Why does the dictator like to go shopping in the early morning?

Because he loves to beat the crowds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the afterlife, Dictators are lining up in heavens gate to be judged

St. Peter: Ok Stalin, you're next!

Stalin: It's ok Hitler, you can go first!

(After Hitler)

St. Peter: ok,next!

Stalin: Go ahead Saddam!

( after Saddam )

St. Peter: ok,next!

Stalin: Go ahead Marcos!

St. Peter: what's wrong with him?

Mar...

2 presidents and 1 dictator are in a helicopter flying over a poor village.

President 1- Look! I would drop this 100$ bill and make a family happy.

Dictator- What if you throw 2 50$ bills, and make 2 families happy?

President 2- What if you throw yourself and make your country happy?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a homeless Hitler?

A roofless dictator.

Which African Dictator extorts flying insects

Robert Mug-a-bee

What's a dictator's least favourite band?

The Guerillaz

A Russian dictator is stuck for an excuse as to why he shouldn't resign...

"Hey! Quit Stalin!"

What do you call a dictator running a bookshop?

The Supreme Reader.

(90's Dictator Joke) So Clinton, Blair and Mubarak are playing ball in Egypt

They kick the ball and it falls into the crocodile-infested Nile. Clinton says, "Not to worry, one of our marines will get it back", and he asks a marine to go get it. The Marine sees the crocodiles fighting each other and says, "Sorry, I have a family and kids I want to raise". So Tony Blair goes, ...

What do you call it when a Cambodian dictator opens up a restaurant in his Cannabis plantation?

Pol Pot's Pot Plot Hot Pot.

What did the Russian dictator say to his guards when spies came to assassinate him

Stalem

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

News: Trump would be “honoured” to meet North Korean dictator.

“He’s my kind of guy — crazy, overweight and has a ridiculous haircut.” Said North Korea’s dictator.

I don't see how someone could mourn the loss of a Chinese dictator.

It just seems unbereaveable to me.

What did the Middle Eastern dictator say after he had lunch?

I ate too many chickpeas, now I falafel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"

Why doesn’t Putin use his own hands when he sends a text?

‘Cause he’s more of a dictator.

A lot of people say that Kim Jong Un is a terrible dictator....

but I worked as a secretary in his administration for several years, and found his speech to be clear, concise and well paced

Do you know about that fascist dictator who decided to hit the gym and got some awesome gains?

Benito Muscle-ini

Hey, dictators! Moving the Earth further from the sun will keep you in power. Why?

Because it will take longer to make one full revolution.

What do you call toddlers who are dictators?

Dictator Tots

A Frenchman and his two sons become the dictators of North Korea.

Their names? Kim-Jong Un, Kim-Jong Deux and Kim-Jong Trois.

(I'm sorry if not original it just came to me)

Why did the dictator's plane crash?

It was stallin'

Help, I'm a Democrat who has a very specific fetish of looking at foreign dictators resting on top of crackers and I'm looking for people into the same as me...

So if you're Blue and you don't know what to search for why don't you look were Fascists sits... Putin on the Ritz

Why do Communist Dictators have trouble getting their work done on time?

They're way too into Stalin

Guy goes to a costume party dressed in a Speedo with a potato in the front. He knocks on the door of the party and the host says what are you suppose to be?

He says, “I’m a dictator”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another Nazi joke. . .

Why did Hitler become a racist genocidal dictator after failing art school?

Because he never learned to mix colors.

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.